Going, Going...........
I am set on going now despite that part of me that wants to stay. I have been pretty down and had to tell G that I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. I have had no luck on the job front yet but am refusing to get disheartened about that as I have planned for some cash from elsewhere which will help me for the time being. G gave me a book last night. When we were first together and for the first year or so that I lived over here G would give me books with lovely inscriptions. He hasn't done it for a long time so just the act of giving it was rather thoughtful of him. The first sentence was in French and when I asked him what it mean he said "In remembrance of things past". The rest of the note was about the book and wished me "good luck". This was his way of saying goodbye and I knew its significance but held back the tears.
I am trying not to be angry with him about the whole situation. Surely he can't be blamed for falling out of love with me and surely I can't be too hard on myself for not being able to maintain the love (though I continuously get angry with myself anyway). I just keep wondering how this happened and thinking back I realised it happened really slowly over a period of years. He says he still loves me and I still love him and reminds me that we can still have good times together as friends and I am certain we will, but still, all of the memories of the better times we had come flooding back like a bittersweet phantom and sweep me along in waves of emotion that I can't control. The last few days have been ok but I feel very alone.
J is walking for some distance today in India and from the initial pictures and words seems to be really happy and really enjoying himself. In some of the photos he's got that boyish grin he wears only when he is truly happy or talking about his grandmother (the formidable woman who raised him). Sometimes I get bitter about him being gone as well with the weather the way it is here - rain, cold, grey everyday, but I know that's just selfish and that this is doing him a world of good. The whole neighbourhood just feels empty without him around - the pubs I've been to, the high street - it just seems deserted. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me there but probably is more likely thinking of his ex. I realise more and more that my wanting to have a relationship with this man is an impossibility so long as he refuses to allow himself to be in love with anyone. He's terrified of it because he's afraid of himself and what he's capable of. Until he addresses that he will always have an incredibly rocky relationship with those who love him. I am hoping India will change him for the better but I am not sure he will ever be able to let anyone love him again or let himself be in love with anyone who loves him.
I am going to see J's brother tonight to play some Playstation and have a chat. J asked me to look after him and I am trying to do so but of course will be gone from this place on the 9th of December. Somewhere in my mind I know things will be ok because 1. They always are and 2. They have to be because failure is not an option.
Ok, back to dissertation reading.....
I am trying not to be angry with him about the whole situation. Surely he can't be blamed for falling out of love with me and surely I can't be too hard on myself for not being able to maintain the love (though I continuously get angry with myself anyway). I just keep wondering how this happened and thinking back I realised it happened really slowly over a period of years. He says he still loves me and I still love him and reminds me that we can still have good times together as friends and I am certain we will, but still, all of the memories of the better times we had come flooding back like a bittersweet phantom and sweep me along in waves of emotion that I can't control. The last few days have been ok but I feel very alone.
J is walking for some distance today in India and from the initial pictures and words seems to be really happy and really enjoying himself. In some of the photos he's got that boyish grin he wears only when he is truly happy or talking about his grandmother (the formidable woman who raised him). Sometimes I get bitter about him being gone as well with the weather the way it is here - rain, cold, grey everyday, but I know that's just selfish and that this is doing him a world of good. The whole neighbourhood just feels empty without him around - the pubs I've been to, the high street - it just seems deserted. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me there but probably is more likely thinking of his ex. I realise more and more that my wanting to have a relationship with this man is an impossibility so long as he refuses to allow himself to be in love with anyone. He's terrified of it because he's afraid of himself and what he's capable of. Until he addresses that he will always have an incredibly rocky relationship with those who love him. I am hoping India will change him for the better but I am not sure he will ever be able to let anyone love him again or let himself be in love with anyone who loves him.
I am going to see J's brother tonight to play some Playstation and have a chat. J asked me to look after him and I am trying to do so but of course will be gone from this place on the 9th of December. Somewhere in my mind I know things will be ok because 1. They always are and 2. They have to be because failure is not an option.
Ok, back to dissertation reading.....