Less Drama, More Getting Things Done
I have been studying most of this morning and feel better for it after a few days of pain, drama and serious depression. Every night I have a conversation with G about our relationship. The plan is that I am now going to house sit for K while she is gone to America for Christmas. I am going to leave here on the 8th of December and stay there through early January.
I had a heartfelt talk with G last night saying that I would really love for the dream we had to work but don't really see that happening unless he fell in love with me again. I told him to take the time I was away to think and see if he could come up with a solution. Whatever that may or may not be, I told him I would do the same but that I am planning on getting a flat share in the new year in the neighbourhood where J and G live now. K says I can stay on at hers for 70 per week but it depends on how my job interviewing goes and what happens with all that. K's is a ways out from London but I think it will be good to have the time alone to do uni work - something which I am seriously behind on.
I met up with J's brother for tea a few nights ago (J asked me to look out for him while he was away - but he's also a lovely guy) and I guess I wasn't in the best way and told him probably more than I should've about the way I was feeling about J and G and everything else - but I was sort of at the point where I just didn't care anymore what anyone thought. I also think I am getting a better grip on what kind of person J is while he has been away and just how poorly he did treat me, particularly in October. I am hoping he will come back in a better way than he has been but I am going to be very guarded on his return about how much time I spend with him for my own sake. Additionally he is going to feel bad and guilty about me and G not being together and that will probably effect the way he relates to me. However, I cannot be concerned about that. I have to do what is right for me, not anyone else. He sent a text to a number of us to let us know he is beginning his walk tomorrow and will finish sometime in early January.
Anyway as I said I am just getting on with my dissertation work and trying not to get sad or melodramatic about G, J or anything else. I am becoming more and more convinced that whatever the final outcome, me moving out now and sorting things out in my own head is very important and necessary. If it's a mistake then so be it, but it's the only thing I can think of to try and ensure I am happy and healthy emotionally.
I had a heartfelt talk with G last night saying that I would really love for the dream we had to work but don't really see that happening unless he fell in love with me again. I told him to take the time I was away to think and see if he could come up with a solution. Whatever that may or may not be, I told him I would do the same but that I am planning on getting a flat share in the new year in the neighbourhood where J and G live now. K says I can stay on at hers for 70 per week but it depends on how my job interviewing goes and what happens with all that. K's is a ways out from London but I think it will be good to have the time alone to do uni work - something which I am seriously behind on.
I met up with J's brother for tea a few nights ago (J asked me to look out for him while he was away - but he's also a lovely guy) and I guess I wasn't in the best way and told him probably more than I should've about the way I was feeling about J and G and everything else - but I was sort of at the point where I just didn't care anymore what anyone thought. I also think I am getting a better grip on what kind of person J is while he has been away and just how poorly he did treat me, particularly in October. I am hoping he will come back in a better way than he has been but I am going to be very guarded on his return about how much time I spend with him for my own sake. Additionally he is going to feel bad and guilty about me and G not being together and that will probably effect the way he relates to me. However, I cannot be concerned about that. I have to do what is right for me, not anyone else. He sent a text to a number of us to let us know he is beginning his walk tomorrow and will finish sometime in early January.
Anyway as I said I am just getting on with my dissertation work and trying not to get sad or melodramatic about G, J or anything else. I am becoming more and more convinced that whatever the final outcome, me moving out now and sorting things out in my own head is very important and necessary. If it's a mistake then so be it, but it's the only thing I can think of to try and ensure I am happy and healthy emotionally.