counting down the weeks
i cannot cannot cannot wait to go back to school. okay, yes i can. but i wish i was just living there instead of here. i don't miss the work (oh it's soooo tough) or the food. i don't miss the showers and i don't miss the...coldness and loneliness of school. but i do miss the people. and i do miss the atmosphere for the most part. i do miss seeing phil way more. and this year will only get better now that i will be able to have my car on campus.
lately i have been pouring over the linens and things and bed bath and beyond and target magazines, excited by all the back to school stuff. i can't wait to pack up all my stuff and leave here for a while. it's desperately needed.
but...wait. before that happens, i have to get my wisdom teeth out :( that's why i can wait. i don't want to. i don't like needles. i don't like the thought of someone cutting off gums and then smashing my teeth into pieces so they can be easier to yank out. i don't like the thought of being completely unconscious and dead to everything. i don't like the idea of other people having to take care of me, and i especially don't like throwing up. if i throw up...ugh. it's just going to be a rough week. don't try and reassure me and say i'll be fine. i know i will. i am just worried, that's all. nothing new there.
a little over a week and it's phillip's birthday :) i want to plan something amazingly special for him. after all, look at all the things he has done for me. just even in the past 5 or 6 months. not to mention the past two years. i love him so much. i want us to be together though right now. i hate that we aren't. i don't want him to think i am doing okay without him, because i am not. if you have seen me before (cough cough, caitlin) you know that i am a mess without him. and i don't want to hear any of the "you'll be fine alone" crap because i'm not. no one can see into my brain, but if they could, they would see just such a completely different person on the inside. on the outside, i am happy and i am nice and i am all of that. i cry, a lot, but for the most part i am optimistic and happy. maybe a little too happy; my boss told me a few weeks ago in a sort of nice way that she hates how perky i can be and that my voice drives her crazy sometimes. awesome.
i don't know. i just want phil to work on himself. i don't mind waiting, because when i wait, i just pretend like it's working out for us. i make myself believe that we are fine and that's how i get through the day.
anyways...didn't mean to start writing something depressing. that's why i have been so excited about school. i get to see phil, i get my car and i get away from my mom. what could be better than that?
lately i have been pouring over the linens and things and bed bath and beyond and target magazines, excited by all the back to school stuff. i can't wait to pack up all my stuff and leave here for a while. it's desperately needed.
but...wait. before that happens, i have to get my wisdom teeth out :( that's why i can wait. i don't want to. i don't like needles. i don't like the thought of someone cutting off gums and then smashing my teeth into pieces so they can be easier to yank out. i don't like the thought of being completely unconscious and dead to everything. i don't like the idea of other people having to take care of me, and i especially don't like throwing up. if i throw up...ugh. it's just going to be a rough week. don't try and reassure me and say i'll be fine. i know i will. i am just worried, that's all. nothing new there.
a little over a week and it's phillip's birthday :) i want to plan something amazingly special for him. after all, look at all the things he has done for me. just even in the past 5 or 6 months. not to mention the past two years. i love him so much. i want us to be together though right now. i hate that we aren't. i don't want him to think i am doing okay without him, because i am not. if you have seen me before (cough cough, caitlin) you know that i am a mess without him. and i don't want to hear any of the "you'll be fine alone" crap because i'm not. no one can see into my brain, but if they could, they would see just such a completely different person on the inside. on the outside, i am happy and i am nice and i am all of that. i cry, a lot, but for the most part i am optimistic and happy. maybe a little too happy; my boss told me a few weeks ago in a sort of nice way that she hates how perky i can be and that my voice drives her crazy sometimes. awesome.
i don't know. i just want phil to work on himself. i don't mind waiting, because when i wait, i just pretend like it's working out for us. i make myself believe that we are fine and that's how i get through the day.
anyways...didn't mean to start writing something depressing. that's why i have been so excited about school. i get to see phil, i get my car and i get away from my mom. what could be better than that?