"Just get out of my life and get back to your world"
How do I keep getting myself stuck with bullshit and lies? I must be a masochist or something. I swear he could win an oscar. Everything seemed so real, or was I just that blind and stupid?
I wish I didn't help him out of the dirt and off the ground. I should have kept him lying there, maybe even kick more dirt in his face, but I couldn't...I still cared. And then I realized something...I kind of felt powerful. I mean everyone at the party came up to me and hugged me. I felt wanted and I totally shined and he was this drunken mess, falling down in the dirt and he needed my hand. At that moment, I just smiled and pulled out a cigarette.
As he went inside and upstairs to his room, I sat in the lounge chair by the pool. The cigarette I had lit tasted sweet and what felt even better was knowing I never wanted to try with him again...I was done. After the cigarette, after my beer, after the party...I knew I was never going to be back at that house again and for the first time, that felt OK to me. Of course though, just as I started to feel fine, he would try and rain on my sunshine...
I looked up when he stepped out on the balcony from his room. He motioned for me to come upstairs and I decided to, knowing that I was only going to say goodnight. It was only in a matter of minutes after I hugged him that he passed out. And as I turned to the door, I looked over at his computer. Right then I wanted to tell him I missed him. I wanted to tell him I was still hopeful. I wanted to tell him not to give up. I just wanted to tell him all the things I had wished to say to him earlier, but he was too drunk to even complete his sentences. So, I sat down and typed a letter telling him exactly what I wanted to say. It wasn't until I had already reached a paragraph that I stopped myself. What the fuck was I doing? What did I think my letter to him would change? I looked back at him, passed out, snoring loud, and I realized he didn't give two shits that I showed up to his party. He didn't care that I wiped that dirt off the side of his face. Good. Finally, reality sank in again and I hit "delete", got up and finally closed the door on him and us. Although, I shut the door, I was still holding onto the knob, as if I was still trying to make us work. A million thoughts circled my head....Was I going to be strong enough this time? Could I really just let it go? I was dying to stay, but I knew I couldn't do anymore. And once again, my heart just ached and I was alone...
Mentally feeling weak and exhausted, I headed for the stairs. I took the first step and I was OK. I took the second step and I felt even more OK. After that, each step was easier. It was almost like I was literally stepping down on him. Then suddenly I felt hope running through my veins. I finally realized maybe I wasn't alone. I had friends who loved me and I his friends downstairs who still accepted me and appreciated my company. This whole time the only thing that was holding me back was me. I now had a choice...be hopeful for something better someday and just enjoy myself now and the fabulous party, or let him bring me down once again? A second was all it took and I just grabbed another cold one...
I wish I didn't help him out of the dirt and off the ground. I should have kept him lying there, maybe even kick more dirt in his face, but I couldn't...I still cared. And then I realized something...I kind of felt powerful. I mean everyone at the party came up to me and hugged me. I felt wanted and I totally shined and he was this drunken mess, falling down in the dirt and he needed my hand. At that moment, I just smiled and pulled out a cigarette.
As he went inside and upstairs to his room, I sat in the lounge chair by the pool. The cigarette I had lit tasted sweet and what felt even better was knowing I never wanted to try with him again...I was done. After the cigarette, after my beer, after the party...I knew I was never going to be back at that house again and for the first time, that felt OK to me. Of course though, just as I started to feel fine, he would try and rain on my sunshine...
I looked up when he stepped out on the balcony from his room. He motioned for me to come upstairs and I decided to, knowing that I was only going to say goodnight. It was only in a matter of minutes after I hugged him that he passed out. And as I turned to the door, I looked over at his computer. Right then I wanted to tell him I missed him. I wanted to tell him I was still hopeful. I wanted to tell him not to give up. I just wanted to tell him all the things I had wished to say to him earlier, but he was too drunk to even complete his sentences. So, I sat down and typed a letter telling him exactly what I wanted to say. It wasn't until I had already reached a paragraph that I stopped myself. What the fuck was I doing? What did I think my letter to him would change? I looked back at him, passed out, snoring loud, and I realized he didn't give two shits that I showed up to his party. He didn't care that I wiped that dirt off the side of his face. Good. Finally, reality sank in again and I hit "delete", got up and finally closed the door on him and us. Although, I shut the door, I was still holding onto the knob, as if I was still trying to make us work. A million thoughts circled my head....Was I going to be strong enough this time? Could I really just let it go? I was dying to stay, but I knew I couldn't do anymore. And once again, my heart just ached and I was alone...
Mentally feeling weak and exhausted, I headed for the stairs. I took the first step and I was OK. I took the second step and I felt even more OK. After that, each step was easier. It was almost like I was literally stepping down on him. Then suddenly I felt hope running through my veins. I finally realized maybe I wasn't alone. I had friends who loved me and I his friends downstairs who still accepted me and appreciated my company. This whole time the only thing that was holding me back was me. I now had a choice...be hopeful for something better someday and just enjoy myself now and the fabulous party, or let him bring me down once again? A second was all it took and I just grabbed another cold one...