I'm really just waiting for my letter so I can go to Hogwarts
Who: Alfred and Arthur
When: September 4th (lol it happened back in the day)
Where: Arthur's house
What: In which plot is finally resolved and the idea of using shrimp forks for crayfish is debated to no end!
Alfred F. Jones: I'm tempted to do an action post were Alfred kicks open Arthur's office door and says he can't leave because he's madly in love with Dewi and nothing the damn limey says will tear them apart
Arthur Kirkland: That's just asking for Dewi to be kicked out with you.
Alfred F. Jones: orz
Alfred F. Jones: I HAVE NOWHERE TO STAY
Alfred F. Jones: D:
Alfred F. Jones: actually.
Alfred F. Jones: I need to not get kicked out.
Arthur Kirkland: I'm not so cold that I won't offer you a cardboard box.
Alfred F. Jones: ;A;
Alfred F. Jones: You are such a tool Mr. Kirkland. AND FOR NO REASON! I'VE DONE NOTHING TO YOU
Arthur Kirkland: I'll even give you a stack of newspapers.
Arthur Kirkland: You existed. That's enough.
Alfred F. Jones: D: you've never even met me!
Arthur Kirkland: Ha! You honestly think that will change my mind?
Alfred F. Jones: ...I'll pay double the usual rent?
Arthur Kirkland: ........says the one who can't afford a motel?
Alfred F. Jones: Well, Dewi's rates were kinda low;;
Arthur Kirkland: ....................................
Arthur Kirkland: How. Low.
Alfred F. Jones: Hostel low... I was going to most clean up around the house, fix it up, y'know...
Arthur Kirkland: I like the way my house is!
Alfred F. Jones: The stairs creak! I could fix that!
Arthur Kirkland: That's the charm of it!
Alfred F. Jones: Mr. Kirkland, I am absolutely ready to get on my knees and beg you to let me stay. Surely there must be something I can do!
Arthur Kirkland: ....you're honestly that desperate?
Alfred F. Jones: I'm not exactly a subtle kinda guy. I need this place!
Arthur Kirkland: Why.
Arthur Kirkland: The truth, please.
Alfred F. Jones: Because- well my first apartment is out because my stupid brother let monkeys inside, I can't stay with Ivan because his sister would murder me, I can't bunk with John because he's god knows wear, meimei's mom wants me to marry her, Luci hates me, Lucy's out of town, Jared's not gonna let me stay, Kimmy wouldn't let me near her house AND I can't stay at Emi's because, well, she just wouldn't!
Arthur Kirkland: And exactly how long were you planning for this arrangement to last?
Alfred F. Jones: J-Just until I can get an apartment with Mattie! I've got a steady job and everything, I just need somewhere to sleep at night
Alfred F. Jones: CAN I STAYPLEAST
Alfred F. Jones: PLEASE
Alfred F. Jones: DESPERATION MAKES ME A TERRIBLE SPELLER.
Alfred F. Jones: J-Just until I can get an apartment with Mattie! I've got a steady job and everything, I just need somewhere to sleep at n
Arthur Kirkland: Soooo.
Arthur Kirkland: Anything eh?
Alfred F. Jones: YES
Alfred F. Jones: ANYTHING.
Arthur Kirkland: You must sign a contract agreeing to my terms and conditions.
Alfred F. Jones: fine!
Alfred F. Jones: I'll do anything just let me stay
Arthur Kirkland: Break even one condition and you are out.
Alfred F. Jones: Okay!
Alfred F. Jones: what do I have to do?
Arthur Kirkland: I will detail it in a document for you to go over soon.
Arthur Kirkland: If you do not sign, you will not stay.
Alfred F. Jones: Fine. Send it over whenever
Arthur Kirkland: You're better off swanning off now, you do realise?
Arthur Kirkland: My conditions are anything but lax.
Alfred F. Jones: Mr. Kirkland, I could live wherever and not give a shit, but this isn't about me.
Arthur Kirkland: Then live somewhere less trying and do us both a favour.
Alfred F. Jones: I'm signing these, I'll do the conditions, Mattie's not gonna do anything except use the kitchen to make pancakes
Arthur Kirkland: And why should your brother be exempt?
Alfred F. Jones: I'm serious, you won't even notice him here.
Arthur Kirkland: What makes you so sure?
Alfred F. Jones: He's invisible
Arthur Kirkland: ........what.
Alfred F. Jones: Long story, just trust me
Arthur Kirkland: Invisible. Really.
Alfred F. Jones: really really
Arthur Kirkland: ...do you have any history of mental illness, Mr. Jones?
Alfred F. Jones: No.
Arthur Kirkland: ...do you believe in the occult?
Alfred F. Jones: K-Kinda
Arthur Kirkland: 'Kinda'?
Arthur Kirkland: Yes or no.
Alfred F. Jones: fine, yes.
Arthur Kirkland: Including fairies, unicorns, ghosts, brownies, and all sorts?
Alfred F. Jones: Sure, yeah, ghosts definitely
Arthur Kirkland: And the others?
Alfred F. Jones: well I don't really have a reason not to believe in them
Arthur Kirkland: ...good enough answer I suppose.
Arthur Kirkland: But...I shall accept this invisibility story for now.
Arthur Kirkland: ...not like I haven't had an unseen presence around before anyway...
Alfred F. Jones: ...
Alfred F. Jones: D-Don't think your ghost stories will chase me away!
Arthur Kirkland: Oh. It's been exorcised.
Arthur Kirkland: Fairly sure, anyway.
Alfred F. Jones: Go-Good.
Arthur Kirkland: But you will adhere to all the rules set down.
Arthur Kirkland: One foot out of line and I will not hesitate to toss you out on your arse.
Alfred F. Jones: Deal!
Arthur Kirkland: Ha, you say that now.
Alfred F. Jones: J-Just send the document, I'l sign
Arthur Kirkland: Fine, it'll be through electronic mail as I haven't the time to meet up with you.
Arthur Kirkland: No matter if you are hiding under my stairs.
Arthur Kirkland: AND DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
Alfred F. Jones: Yes sir!
Arthur Kirkland: ...and don't be so bloody eager.
Arthur Kirkland: It's grating.
Alfred F. Jones: yes sir.
Arthur Kirkland: Good.
Arthur Kirkland: I'll send it sometime soon.
Arthur Kirkland: ...until then...
Arthur Kirkland: You are restricted to the cupboard under the stairs.
Arthur Kirkland: Move anywhere else in the house and the deal is off.
Alfred F. Jones: can I at least use the bathroom
Arthur Kirkland: ...ha, you must be escorted by my dearest brother.
Arthur Kirkland: He brought this upon himself so this is the least he can do.
Alfred F. Jones: K
Arthur Kirkland:Got all that?
Alfred F. Jones: Yesyes, just send the email, I'll sign whatever you want
Arthur Kirkland: Alright then, our business is settled for a while.
Arthur Kirkland: I'll send it in a week. :D
Arthur Kirkland: Do have fun with the cobwebs.
Alfred F. Jones: I'm blogging about the sextoys just fyi,
Arthur Kirkland: ....................
Arthur Kirkland: Do it and I'll scoop your eyeballs out with a rusty shrimp fork.
Alfred F. Jones: You have shrimp forks?
Alfred F. Jones: what do they look like?
Alfred F. Jones: Can you eat escargo with them?
Arthur Kirkland: ...they're small.
Arthur Kirkland: And typically only used for shrimp.
Alfred F. Jones: what about crayfish?
Alfred F. Jones: they are shrimp like
Arthur Kirkland: They would probably qualify.
Alfred F. Jones: So you could potentially eat gumbo with a shrimp fork?
Arthur Kirkland: ...I have never seen gumbo at a dinner party, so your guess is as good as mine.
Alfred F. Jones: If I stay long-term can we have gumbo?
Arthur Kirkland: .....
Arthur Kirkland: Long-term...for gumbo.
Alfred F. Jones: I've heard it's good, I can cook it
Arthur Kirkland: Can you actually cook?
Alfred F. Jones: I make a fucking fantastic apple pie thank you very much
Arthur Kirkland: Only apple pie does not count.
Alfred F. Jones: I... can make grilled cheese too
Arthur Kirkland: Anyone with a brain can.
Alfred F. Jones: Fine, I can make shepherd's pie.
Arthur Kirkland: ....you can?
Arthur Kirkland: I don't believe you.
Alfred F. Jones: I'll prove it
Arthur Kirkland: You just want out of the cupboard.
Alfred F. Jones: Well, it's either that or I wait for my letter so I can go to Hogwarts
Arthur Kirkland: ..................
Alfred F. Jones: |D
Arthur Kirkland: Don't get smart with me...!
Alfred F. Jones: I wasn't being smart, it was a joke
Arthur Kirkland: Same difference.
Alfred F. Jones: You are...lame.
Arthur Kirkland: You are obnoxious.
Alfred F. Jones: at least I'm funny
Arthur Kirkland: Only to yourself.
Alfred F. Jones: False, others find me funny.
Arthur Kirkland: Blood relatives and people trying to get into your trousers do not count.
Arthur Kirkland: The first set is obligated and the second set...
Arthur Kirkland: Well, all very much self-explanatory.
Alfred F. Jones: Are you saying you don't into my pants Mr. Kirkland?
Arthur Kirkland: For one, I have not seen you.
Arthur Kirkland: For two, no matter how gorgeous you may or may not be, with your personality, I wouldn't want anywhere near your trousers for all the tea in India.
Arthur Kirkland: And they have some brilliant tea.
Alfred F. Jones: Are you sure? Hold on, let me send you a picture
Arthur Kirkland: I don't want your picture.
Arthur Kirkland: In fact, if I never see your face, that would be just lovely.
Arthur Kirkland: ...I should add that to the contract.
Alfred F. Jones: well too late, I sent them
Alfred F. Jones: they're there.
Arthur Kirkland: And deleting them.
Alfred F. Jones: orz
Alfred F. Jones: but I sent pictures!
Arthur Kirkland: And?
Arthur Kirkland: That doesn't obligate me to look at them.
Alfred F. Jones: AND WORDS, THERE'S WORDS IN THE EMAIL
Arthur Kirkland: Then send me an email with simply words.
Alfred F. Jones: But you need the words and the picture to get the full story
Arthur Kirkland: ...fine.
Alfred F. Jones: yay
Arthur Kirkland: I'll look.
Alfred F. Jones: /it's basically the best email ever
Arthur Kirkland:Right right, I'll be sure to--
Arthur Kirkland: ....................................................
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Alfred F. Jones: I swear if you fap to those I will kill you
Arthur Kirkland: YOU
Arthur Kirkland: YOU
Alfred F. Jones: Me?
Arthur Kirkland: I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU.
Alfred F. Jones: D:
Alfred F. Jones: Why!?
Arthur Kirkland: Let me jog that empty, cavernous thing you call a head.
Arthur Kirkland: End of July.
Arthur Kirkland: Last year.
Arthur Kirkland: Tell me, does anything ring a bell?
Alfred F. Jones: Um... I was in Liberty... Ivan was angry... I ran away, I crashed into some guy-
Alfred F. Jones: ohshit
Arthur Kirkland: Hello again!
Alfred F. Jones: NO WAY
Alfred F. Jones: YOU'RE SHITTING ME
Arthur Kirkland: You won't be shitting for quite some time when I'm through with you.
Arthur Kirkland: Do you have ANY idea what you and your fucking clumsiness put me through?!
Alfred F. Jones: N-No!
Arthur Kirkland: It's a shame you'll never know, because I'm going to beat you within an inch of your life.
Alfred F. Jones: M-Mr. Kirkland, let's be reasonable here... B-Bumping into someone doesn't warrant this!
Arthur Kirkland: You destroyed my manuscript!
Arthur Kirkland: Then skipped off like it was nothing!
Alfred F. Jones: W-What- I didn't- Don't you have a copy of it?
Arthur Kirkland: ....I didn't have a computer back then.
Arthur Kirkland: So, no. My ONLY copy!
Alfred F. Jones: Mr. Kirkland- I-... I u-understand completely... I-I'll move out tomorrow
Arthur Kirkland: Oh no you're not!
Arthur Kirkland: From today on, I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Alfred F. Jones: A-Ah- But I haven't signed the contract!
Arthur Kirkland: I'll forge it if I have to.
Arthur Kirkland: And let me tell you Mister Alfred F. Jones, I am bloody brilliant at forgery.
Alfred F. Jones: Mr- Arthur- this- You can't do that! I-I'll call the cop-...
Arthur Kirkland: Oh? And guess where your new room will be?
Arthur Kirkland: You best be comfortable under the stairs.
Arthur Kirkland: Because that is where you will be staying for the remainder of your stay.
Alfred F. Jones: I-I...
Alfred F. Jones: This isn't fair!
Alfred F. Jones: I didn't mean to smash into you!
Alfred F. Jones: I-I can make it up!
Alfred F. Jones: I'll w-write you a new book!
Arthur Kirkland: ..........
Arthur Kirkland: If I could throttle you over the internet....
Alfred F. Jones: I'm in your house so if you really wanted to do this face-to-face...
Arthur Kirkland: Oh! Good idea!
Arthur Kirkland: I'll be down in just a tic, m'kay?
Alfred F. Jones: [pales and promptly shuts his laptop, hurrying to push boxes out of the way and open the door to the stairs] Shitshitshitshit
Arthur Kirkland: [a jaunty knock is heard through the thin door] Oh, Alfred! I do believe it's time to become reacquainted!
Alfred F. Jones: [whimpers, taking a deep breath and shoving the door open and stumbling into the hall, life flashing before his eyes] NothankyouMr.Kirklandnicemeetingyou
Arthur Kirkland: [catches the upstart by his collar] Ohnonono! I insist.
Alfred F. Jones: [flails] Lemmie go! I'm calling child services!
Arthur Kirkland: [gives a shark-like smile] Given the height difference, such a plea will fall on deaf ears.
Arthur Kirkland: How fortunate for me!
Alfred F. Jones: [pulls away violently, laptop skidding away] Shit- Mr. Kirkland, let's just talk about this first before we go throwing death threats around
Arthur Kirkland: I'm not throwing anything around, I mean every word I say. [serious as death]
Alfred F. Jones: You can't beat me up! You're small and I'm... not. I don't want to have to fight back!
Arthur Kirkland: Underestimating me, are you?
Arthur Kirkland: Funny how many people do that.
Arthur Kirkland: Would you like to know what happen to those people, Alfred?
Alfred F. Jones: A-Arthur- I swear, I'm going to kick your ass if push comes to shove.
Arthur Kirkland: Brute strength can only get someone so far.
Alfred F. Jones: I'm not an idiot.
Arthur Kirkland: Oh yes, because you have disproven that silly little notion quite thoroughly!
Alfred F. Jones: Don't you even dare try to call me an idiot! I'm just... brazen at times! Now I'm asking you to be civil which I thought was bred into you limeys back on the island.
Arthur Kirkland: [harshly grits his teeth from just barely holding himself back] Do you even hear yourself at times?!
Arthur Kirkland: Asking me to be civil right before that slur comes out of your mouth!
Alfred F. Jones: [smirks] Fine then. I thought civility was bred into you back-water, interbreeding, royal-worshipping, fish-smelling, tea-sucking Brits back on the island.
Arthur Kirkland: [hands trembling from effort] Oh, really now? And here I was under the impression that you didn't want to fight back? Tell me, does hypocrisy always come this easily for you?
Arthur Kirkland: Or is it just an American thing?
Alfred F. Jones: American? [growls, taking a step towards him] It's not hypocrisy. If I make a mistake I'm not afraid to damn well beg forgiveness about it. Unlike you assholes always sticking your nose up and acting like you're better than us! Oh look at me, I live in a big fancy fucking house with my family and I'm an author and oh-la-di-fucking-DA.
Arthur Kirkland: Oh yes, let's do look at you! You talk a lot about us, but no one can beat you at your holier-than-thou shite! Just like now! Pretending to take the higher road, not wanting to fight! Then suddenly turning your back on your own words and still acting as if your God's gift to the world! One whose morality is obviously superior to anyone who even attempts to raise an opposing opinion!
Alfred F. Jones: I never said I was morally superior! In fact, I am the worst example of a moral person on the face of the planet, I'm just tired of being treated like some idiot who doesn't get shit [stabs a finger against Arthur's chest, glowering down at him] I understand how stuff works. I'm not an idiot. I'm not underestimating you, I just don't want to hurt you, which will happen if we fight. There isn't a higher road, I'm not trying to get us both killed.
Arthur Kirkland: [quiet for a moment, digesting the words]
Arthur Kirkland: [then]
Arthur Kirkland: [as evenly as possible] ...you do realise that size doesn't always count?
Alfred F. Jones: Two weeks ago I got my ass kicked by a tiny Asian girl. Yes, I do realise that.
Arthur Kirkland: [snorts]
Alfred F. Jones: It's true! Right in front of the gym just -BAM- and she had me on the ground.
Arthur Kirkland: You probably deserved every moment of it.
Alfred F. Jones: Yes, yes I did. Painful humiliation... But... She forgave me.
Arthur Kirkland: Daft girl.
Alfred F. Jones: [smiles weakly] You don't even know what I did to her!
Arthur Kirkland: But you did something or else you would probably be swearing up and down that you're innocent.
Arthur Kirkland: I know your type.
Alfred F. Jones: I actually... didn't do anything that bad. I'm not really that innocent... I sleep around, I'm violent, arrogant- Hell, I even have smelly feet.
Arthur Kirkland: ...how does unwashed feet have to do with one's morality.
Alfred F. Jones: [shrugs] I dunno... Are you still raring to kick my ass? I have a feeling that this is all a trap.
Arthur Kirkland: I still feel like stabbing you with a pen, yes.
Arthur Kirkland: But I have enough self-control not to.
Arthur Kirkland: ...for now.
Arthur Kirkland: Admittedly.
Alfred F. Jones: Look, Mr Kirkland, I'm not the greatest of guys... But I'll pay the rent on time.
Arthur Kirkland: ...This isn't about rent.
Arthur Kirkland: To be completely honest, my brother did all of this behind my back. I loathe being forced to share a space, my space, with veritable strangers and have to interact with them on what would perhaps be a daily basis.I treasure my privacy and you are trampling it.
Alfred F. Jones: [sighs] Listen... if it bothers you that much, I'll move out.
Arthur Kirkland: ......
Arthur Kirkland: ...I'll probably regret this, in fact I already am.
Arthur Kirkland: But stay out of my way and don't touch anything of mine and I will allow you to sleep here.
Alfred F. Jones: R-Really?
Arthur Kirkland: If I find you to be too much of an impediment or have discovered you willfully disobeying me, I will not hesitate to throw you out.
Arthur Kirkland: Do I make myself clear?
Alfred F. Jones: Y-Yeah! Of course! I can not touch your stuff no problem!
Arthur Kirkland: And no prancing about going into rooms because of curiosity.
Alfred F. Jones: [grins sheepishly] You know me Kirkland, I like staying out of people's things.
Arthur Kirkland: I don't know you that well.
Arthur Kirkland: Nor do I intend to, forgive me for saying.
Alfred F. Jones: Oh well, I guess you can't have everything... [glancing at him] Though... If I do make shepherd's pie, I want you to have some.
Arthur Kirkland: ...I suppose that wouldn't be too difficult to manage.
Arthur Kirkland: Given that you don't provide me with a reason to use my utensils to cut you a new one.
Alfred F. Jones: Deal. So... Can I move my stuff upstairs now?
Arthur Kirkland: [smiles ever so...well, triumphantly] Oh, but the bedrooms upstairs are absolutely filthy.
Arthur Kirkland: It'll take...oh, I don't know, a week? for them to be cleaned thoroughly.
Alfred F. Jones: I-I can help clean
Alfred F. Jones: Really, I just don't wanna be under those stairs!
Arthur Kirkland:Whats wrong with the stairs.
Alfred F. Jones: The sextoys
Arthur Kirkland: .............
Arthur Kirkland: Would you just--!
Arthur Kirkland: What are you?!
Arthur Kirkland: Twelve!?
Alfred F. Jones: Oh, you wanna sleep with a ballgag and whip staring at you?!
Arthur Kirkland: They can't stare at you if you don't stare at it and--...
Arthur Kirkland: ...wait a moment.
Arthur Kirkland: There's something missing.
Arthur Kirkland: ...you took something, didn't you?
Arthur Kirkland: [not angry, just highly, highly amused]
Alfred F. Jones: W-What!?
Arthur Kirkland: [and probably making this up, but oh, well, gotta get his kicks from somewhere]
Alfred F. Jones: No!
Alfred F. Jones: I may have jerked off in there
Alfred F. Jones: but that was unrelated!
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Alfred F. Jones: that was phone sex
Alfred F. Jones: totally different.
Arthur Kirkland: I really do not desire to know of such activities taking place in my house, thank you kindly.
Alfred F. Jones: ..Honestly, I didn't take any;;
Arthur Kirkland: [rolls eyes, the fun sucked out of the jest] Fine, fine.
Alfred F. Jones: So... can I move... upstairs?
Arthur Kirkland: ....
Arthur Kirkland: Tell anyone and you're back down here for a month.
Alfred F. Jones: Yes sir. [stares at for a moment before hugging him. Letting that lovely action sink in, pulls away and backs off, winking and picking up his laptop, hurrying up the stairs] Thaaaaaaanks Kirkland~
Arthur Kirkland: [yells after him] Do that again and I'll 'ave your bits and pieces!
Alfred F. Jones: /mad cackling.
Arthur Kirkland: Don't tempt me! My threats are anything but empty!
Alfred F. Jones: Hey! [pokes his head out of the room] These are clean!
Arthur Kirkland: ...your standards for cleanliness must be very low.
Arthur Kirkland: And yet why am I not surprised...
Alfred F. Jones:[from inside the room] I heard that! it just needs frebreeze and some elbow grease [touches curtains and is attacked by cloud of dust, sending him into a fit of coughs]
Arthur Kirkland: And I heard that.
Alfred F. Jones: [wheezes] Scratch that, a loooooot of TLC [sits down on the bed] Hey Kirkland, you were askin' me about that occult stuff... Do you believe in faeries and shit?
Arthur Kirkland: ...and if I do?
Alfred F. Jones: Why? I guess...
Arthur Kirkland: I saw, I believed.
Alfred F. Jones: [head peeks over the railing of the second floor, blue eyes wide] You... saw faeries!?
Arthur Kirkland: ...is there a problem with that? [cagey, just daring the other to say something wrong]
Alfred F. Jones: No! [totally engrossed, like a kid getting an N64 at Christmas and whispering] What did they look like?
Arthur Kirkland: ...like faeries.
Alfred F. Jones: [too excited to quip back] Were they flying? What about unicorns? And leprechauns? Have you seen them? and their pot of gold? Oh! What about ghosts, I bet there's loads of them here, a-and I bet some of them are poltergeists, yeah! But you said they were exorcised? Wowwwww-
Arthur Kirkland: [really not expecting such a reaction and taken off-guard with all the questions] A-ah yes, well. I've seen all sorts of creatures...those you just listed to name a few... [studiously keeping away from the past incident with ghosts]
Alfred F. Jones: A-And the ghost?! [hurries down stairs to stand near Arthur, lowering his voice conspiratorially] Can you see dead people?
Arthur Kirkland: Oh for Christ's sake-- Wipe those ideas that those third rate films have undoubtedly put into your head!
Alfred F. Jones: So you can't see them... [looks distinctly put-out] Lame.
tl;dr: Alfred is now out of the cupboard under the stairs (during his stay there he had phone sex with Ivan and discovered a sextoy collection) and living in a room upstairs, owes Arthur some gumbo and shepherd's pie, knows about Arthur's ability to see the occult while Arthur has decided to never tap that ass, has plans to make Alfred's life a living hell, has revealed that it was indeed Alfred who ruined the manuscript and is generally unappreciative of Alfred's Harry Potter jokes.
When: September 4th (lol it happened back in the day)
Where: Arthur's house
What: In which plot is finally resolved and the idea of using shrimp forks for crayfish is debated to no end!
Alfred F. Jones: I'm tempted to do an action post were Alfred kicks open Arthur's office door and says he can't leave because he's madly in love with Dewi and nothing the damn limey says will tear them apart
Arthur Kirkland: That's just asking for Dewi to be kicked out with you.
Alfred F. Jones: orz
Alfred F. Jones: I HAVE NOWHERE TO STAY
Alfred F. Jones: D:
Alfred F. Jones: actually.
Alfred F. Jones: I need to not get kicked out.
Arthur Kirkland: I'm not so cold that I won't offer you a cardboard box.
Alfred F. Jones: ;A;
Alfred F. Jones: You are such a tool Mr. Kirkland. AND FOR NO REASON! I'VE DONE NOTHING TO YOU
Arthur Kirkland: I'll even give you a stack of newspapers.
Arthur Kirkland: You existed. That's enough.
Alfred F. Jones: D: you've never even met me!
Arthur Kirkland: Ha! You honestly think that will change my mind?
Alfred F. Jones: ...I'll pay double the usual rent?
Arthur Kirkland: ........says the one who can't afford a motel?
Alfred F. Jones: Well, Dewi's rates were kinda low;;
Arthur Kirkland: ....................................
Arthur Kirkland: How. Low.
Alfred F. Jones: Hostel low... I was going to most clean up around the house, fix it up, y'know...
Arthur Kirkland: I like the way my house is!
Alfred F. Jones: The stairs creak! I could fix that!
Arthur Kirkland: That's the charm of it!
Alfred F. Jones: Mr. Kirkland, I am absolutely ready to get on my knees and beg you to let me stay. Surely there must be something I can do!
Arthur Kirkland: ....you're honestly that desperate?
Alfred F. Jones: I'm not exactly a subtle kinda guy. I need this place!
Arthur Kirkland: Why.
Arthur Kirkland: The truth, please.
Alfred F. Jones: Because- well my first apartment is out because my stupid brother let monkeys inside, I can't stay with Ivan because his sister would murder me, I can't bunk with John because he's god knows wear, meimei's mom wants me to marry her, Luci hates me, Lucy's out of town, Jared's not gonna let me stay, Kimmy wouldn't let me near her house AND I can't stay at Emi's because, well, she just wouldn't!
Arthur Kirkland: And exactly how long were you planning for this arrangement to last?
Alfred F. Jones: J-Just until I can get an apartment with Mattie! I've got a steady job and everything, I just need somewhere to sleep at night
Alfred F. Jones: CAN I STAYPLEAST
Alfred F. Jones: PLEASE
Alfred F. Jones: DESPERATION MAKES ME A TERRIBLE SPELLER.
Alfred F. Jones: J-Just until I can get an apartment with Mattie! I've got a steady job and everything, I just need somewhere to sleep at n
Arthur Kirkland: Soooo.
Arthur Kirkland: Anything eh?
Alfred F. Jones: YES
Alfred F. Jones: ANYTHING.
Arthur Kirkland: You must sign a contract agreeing to my terms and conditions.
Alfred F. Jones: fine!
Alfred F. Jones: I'll do anything just let me stay
Arthur Kirkland: Break even one condition and you are out.
Alfred F. Jones: Okay!
Alfred F. Jones: what do I have to do?
Arthur Kirkland: I will detail it in a document for you to go over soon.
Arthur Kirkland: If you do not sign, you will not stay.
Alfred F. Jones: Fine. Send it over whenever
Arthur Kirkland: You're better off swanning off now, you do realise?
Arthur Kirkland: My conditions are anything but lax.
Alfred F. Jones: Mr. Kirkland, I could live wherever and not give a shit, but this isn't about me.
Arthur Kirkland: Then live somewhere less trying and do us both a favour.
Alfred F. Jones: I'm signing these, I'll do the conditions, Mattie's not gonna do anything except use the kitchen to make pancakes
Arthur Kirkland: And why should your brother be exempt?
Alfred F. Jones: I'm serious, you won't even notice him here.
Arthur Kirkland: What makes you so sure?
Alfred F. Jones: He's invisible
Arthur Kirkland: ........what.
Alfred F. Jones: Long story, just trust me
Arthur Kirkland: Invisible. Really.
Alfred F. Jones: really really
Arthur Kirkland: ...do you have any history of mental illness, Mr. Jones?
Alfred F. Jones: No.
Arthur Kirkland: ...do you believe in the occult?
Alfred F. Jones: K-Kinda
Arthur Kirkland: 'Kinda'?
Arthur Kirkland: Yes or no.
Alfred F. Jones: fine, yes.
Arthur Kirkland: Including fairies, unicorns, ghosts, brownies, and all sorts?
Alfred F. Jones: Sure, yeah, ghosts definitely
Arthur Kirkland: And the others?
Alfred F. Jones: well I don't really have a reason not to believe in them
Arthur Kirkland: ...good enough answer I suppose.
Arthur Kirkland: But...I shall accept this invisibility story for now.
Arthur Kirkland: ...not like I haven't had an unseen presence around before anyway...
Alfred F. Jones: ...
Alfred F. Jones: D-Don't think your ghost stories will chase me away!
Arthur Kirkland: Oh. It's been exorcised.
Arthur Kirkland: Fairly sure, anyway.
Alfred F. Jones: Go-Good.
Arthur Kirkland: But you will adhere to all the rules set down.
Arthur Kirkland: One foot out of line and I will not hesitate to toss you out on your arse.
Alfred F. Jones: Deal!
Arthur Kirkland: Ha, you say that now.
Alfred F. Jones: J-Just send the document, I'l sign
Arthur Kirkland: Fine, it'll be through electronic mail as I haven't the time to meet up with you.
Arthur Kirkland: No matter if you are hiding under my stairs.
Arthur Kirkland: AND DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
Alfred F. Jones: Yes sir!
Arthur Kirkland: ...and don't be so bloody eager.
Arthur Kirkland: It's grating.
Alfred F. Jones: yes sir.
Arthur Kirkland: Good.
Arthur Kirkland: I'll send it sometime soon.
Arthur Kirkland: ...until then...
Arthur Kirkland: You are restricted to the cupboard under the stairs.
Arthur Kirkland: Move anywhere else in the house and the deal is off.
Alfred F. Jones: can I at least use the bathroom
Arthur Kirkland: ...ha, you must be escorted by my dearest brother.
Arthur Kirkland: He brought this upon himself so this is the least he can do.
Alfred F. Jones: K
Arthur Kirkland:Got all that?
Alfred F. Jones: Yesyes, just send the email, I'll sign whatever you want
Arthur Kirkland: Alright then, our business is settled for a while.
Arthur Kirkland: I'll send it in a week. :D
Arthur Kirkland: Do have fun with the cobwebs.
Alfred F. Jones: I'm blogging about the sextoys just fyi,
Arthur Kirkland: ....................
Arthur Kirkland: Do it and I'll scoop your eyeballs out with a rusty shrimp fork.
Alfred F. Jones: You have shrimp forks?
Alfred F. Jones: what do they look like?
Alfred F. Jones: Can you eat escargo with them?
Arthur Kirkland: ...they're small.
Arthur Kirkland: And typically only used for shrimp.
Alfred F. Jones: what about crayfish?
Alfred F. Jones: they are shrimp like
Arthur Kirkland: They would probably qualify.
Alfred F. Jones: So you could potentially eat gumbo with a shrimp fork?
Arthur Kirkland: ...I have never seen gumbo at a dinner party, so your guess is as good as mine.
Alfred F. Jones: If I stay long-term can we have gumbo?
Arthur Kirkland: .....
Arthur Kirkland: Long-term...for gumbo.
Alfred F. Jones: I've heard it's good, I can cook it
Arthur Kirkland: Can you actually cook?
Alfred F. Jones: I make a fucking fantastic apple pie thank you very much
Arthur Kirkland: Only apple pie does not count.
Alfred F. Jones: I... can make grilled cheese too
Arthur Kirkland: Anyone with a brain can.
Alfred F. Jones: Fine, I can make shepherd's pie.
Arthur Kirkland: ....you can?
Arthur Kirkland: I don't believe you.
Alfred F. Jones: I'll prove it
Arthur Kirkland: You just want out of the cupboard.
Alfred F. Jones: Well, it's either that or I wait for my letter so I can go to Hogwarts
Arthur Kirkland: ..................
Alfred F. Jones: |D
Arthur Kirkland: Don't get smart with me...!
Alfred F. Jones: I wasn't being smart, it was a joke
Arthur Kirkland: Same difference.
Alfred F. Jones: You are...lame.
Arthur Kirkland: You are obnoxious.
Alfred F. Jones: at least I'm funny
Arthur Kirkland: Only to yourself.
Alfred F. Jones: False, others find me funny.
Arthur Kirkland: Blood relatives and people trying to get into your trousers do not count.
Arthur Kirkland: The first set is obligated and the second set...
Arthur Kirkland: Well, all very much self-explanatory.
Alfred F. Jones: Are you saying you don't into my pants Mr. Kirkland?
Arthur Kirkland: For one, I have not seen you.
Arthur Kirkland: For two, no matter how gorgeous you may or may not be, with your personality, I wouldn't want anywhere near your trousers for all the tea in India.
Arthur Kirkland: And they have some brilliant tea.
Alfred F. Jones: Are you sure? Hold on, let me send you a picture
Arthur Kirkland: I don't want your picture.
Arthur Kirkland: In fact, if I never see your face, that would be just lovely.
Arthur Kirkland: ...I should add that to the contract.
Alfred F. Jones: well too late, I sent them
Alfred F. Jones: they're there.
Arthur Kirkland: And deleting them.
Alfred F. Jones: orz
Alfred F. Jones: but I sent pictures!
Arthur Kirkland: And?
Arthur Kirkland: That doesn't obligate me to look at them.
Alfred F. Jones: AND WORDS, THERE'S WORDS IN THE EMAIL
Arthur Kirkland: Then send me an email with simply words.
Alfred F. Jones: But you need the words and the picture to get the full story
Arthur Kirkland: ...fine.
Alfred F. Jones: yay
Arthur Kirkland: I'll look.
Alfred F. Jones: /it's basically the best email ever
Arthur Kirkland:Right right, I'll be sure to--
Arthur Kirkland: ....................................................
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Alfred F. Jones: I swear if you fap to those I will kill you
Arthur Kirkland: YOU
Arthur Kirkland: YOU
Alfred F. Jones: Me?
Arthur Kirkland: I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU.
Alfred F. Jones: D:
Alfred F. Jones: Why!?
Arthur Kirkland: Let me jog that empty, cavernous thing you call a head.
Arthur Kirkland: End of July.
Arthur Kirkland: Last year.
Arthur Kirkland: Tell me, does anything ring a bell?
Alfred F. Jones: Um... I was in Liberty... Ivan was angry... I ran away, I crashed into some guy-
Alfred F. Jones: ohshit
Arthur Kirkland: Hello again!
Alfred F. Jones: NO WAY
Alfred F. Jones: YOU'RE SHITTING ME
Arthur Kirkland: You won't be shitting for quite some time when I'm through with you.
Arthur Kirkland: Do you have ANY idea what you and your fucking clumsiness put me through?!
Alfred F. Jones: N-No!
Arthur Kirkland: It's a shame you'll never know, because I'm going to beat you within an inch of your life.
Alfred F. Jones: M-Mr. Kirkland, let's be reasonable here... B-Bumping into someone doesn't warrant this!
Arthur Kirkland: You destroyed my manuscript!
Arthur Kirkland: Then skipped off like it was nothing!
Alfred F. Jones: W-What- I didn't- Don't you have a copy of it?
Arthur Kirkland: ....I didn't have a computer back then.
Arthur Kirkland: So, no. My ONLY copy!
Alfred F. Jones: Mr. Kirkland- I-... I u-understand completely... I-I'll move out tomorrow
Arthur Kirkland: Oh no you're not!
Arthur Kirkland: From today on, I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Alfred F. Jones: A-Ah- But I haven't signed the contract!
Arthur Kirkland: I'll forge it if I have to.
Arthur Kirkland: And let me tell you Mister Alfred F. Jones, I am bloody brilliant at forgery.
Alfred F. Jones: Mr- Arthur- this- You can't do that! I-I'll call the cop-...
Arthur Kirkland: Oh? And guess where your new room will be?
Arthur Kirkland: You best be comfortable under the stairs.
Arthur Kirkland: Because that is where you will be staying for the remainder of your stay.
Alfred F. Jones: I-I...
Alfred F. Jones: This isn't fair!
Alfred F. Jones: I didn't mean to smash into you!
Alfred F. Jones: I-I can make it up!
Alfred F. Jones: I'll w-write you a new book!
Arthur Kirkland: ..........
Arthur Kirkland: If I could throttle you over the internet....
Alfred F. Jones: I'm in your house so if you really wanted to do this face-to-face...
Arthur Kirkland: Oh! Good idea!
Arthur Kirkland: I'll be down in just a tic, m'kay?
Alfred F. Jones: [pales and promptly shuts his laptop, hurrying to push boxes out of the way and open the door to the stairs] Shitshitshitshit
Arthur Kirkland: [a jaunty knock is heard through the thin door] Oh, Alfred! I do believe it's time to become reacquainted!
Alfred F. Jones: [whimpers, taking a deep breath and shoving the door open and stumbling into the hall, life flashing before his eyes] NothankyouMr.Kirklandnicemeetingyou
Arthur Kirkland: [catches the upstart by his collar] Ohnonono! I insist.
Alfred F. Jones: [flails] Lemmie go! I'm calling child services!
Arthur Kirkland: [gives a shark-like smile] Given the height difference, such a plea will fall on deaf ears.
Arthur Kirkland: How fortunate for me!
Alfred F. Jones: [pulls away violently, laptop skidding away] Shit- Mr. Kirkland, let's just talk about this first before we go throwing death threats around
Arthur Kirkland: I'm not throwing anything around, I mean every word I say. [serious as death]
Alfred F. Jones: You can't beat me up! You're small and I'm... not. I don't want to have to fight back!
Arthur Kirkland: Underestimating me, are you?
Arthur Kirkland: Funny how many people do that.
Arthur Kirkland: Would you like to know what happen to those people, Alfred?
Alfred F. Jones: A-Arthur- I swear, I'm going to kick your ass if push comes to shove.
Arthur Kirkland: Brute strength can only get someone so far.
Alfred F. Jones: I'm not an idiot.
Arthur Kirkland: Oh yes, because you have disproven that silly little notion quite thoroughly!
Alfred F. Jones: Don't you even dare try to call me an idiot! I'm just... brazen at times! Now I'm asking you to be civil which I thought was bred into you limeys back on the island.
Arthur Kirkland: [harshly grits his teeth from just barely holding himself back] Do you even hear yourself at times?!
Arthur Kirkland: Asking me to be civil right before that slur comes out of your mouth!
Alfred F. Jones: [smirks] Fine then. I thought civility was bred into you back-water, interbreeding, royal-worshipping, fish-smelling, tea-sucking Brits back on the island.
Arthur Kirkland: [hands trembling from effort] Oh, really now? And here I was under the impression that you didn't want to fight back? Tell me, does hypocrisy always come this easily for you?
Arthur Kirkland: Or is it just an American thing?
Alfred F. Jones: American? [growls, taking a step towards him] It's not hypocrisy. If I make a mistake I'm not afraid to damn well beg forgiveness about it. Unlike you assholes always sticking your nose up and acting like you're better than us! Oh look at me, I live in a big fancy fucking house with my family and I'm an author and oh-la-di-fucking-DA.
Arthur Kirkland: Oh yes, let's do look at you! You talk a lot about us, but no one can beat you at your holier-than-thou shite! Just like now! Pretending to take the higher road, not wanting to fight! Then suddenly turning your back on your own words and still acting as if your God's gift to the world! One whose morality is obviously superior to anyone who even attempts to raise an opposing opinion!
Alfred F. Jones: I never said I was morally superior! In fact, I am the worst example of a moral person on the face of the planet, I'm just tired of being treated like some idiot who doesn't get shit [stabs a finger against Arthur's chest, glowering down at him] I understand how stuff works. I'm not an idiot. I'm not underestimating you, I just don't want to hurt you, which will happen if we fight. There isn't a higher road, I'm not trying to get us both killed.
Arthur Kirkland: [quiet for a moment, digesting the words]
Arthur Kirkland: [then]
Arthur Kirkland: [as evenly as possible] ...you do realise that size doesn't always count?
Alfred F. Jones: Two weeks ago I got my ass kicked by a tiny Asian girl. Yes, I do realise that.
Arthur Kirkland: [snorts]
Alfred F. Jones: It's true! Right in front of the gym just -BAM- and she had me on the ground.
Arthur Kirkland: You probably deserved every moment of it.
Alfred F. Jones: Yes, yes I did. Painful humiliation... But... She forgave me.
Arthur Kirkland: Daft girl.
Alfred F. Jones: [smiles weakly] You don't even know what I did to her!
Arthur Kirkland: But you did something or else you would probably be swearing up and down that you're innocent.
Arthur Kirkland: I know your type.
Alfred F. Jones: I actually... didn't do anything that bad. I'm not really that innocent... I sleep around, I'm violent, arrogant- Hell, I even have smelly feet.
Arthur Kirkland: ...how does unwashed feet have to do with one's morality.
Alfred F. Jones: [shrugs] I dunno... Are you still raring to kick my ass? I have a feeling that this is all a trap.
Arthur Kirkland: I still feel like stabbing you with a pen, yes.
Arthur Kirkland: But I have enough self-control not to.
Arthur Kirkland: ...for now.
Arthur Kirkland: Admittedly.
Alfred F. Jones: Look, Mr Kirkland, I'm not the greatest of guys... But I'll pay the rent on time.
Arthur Kirkland: ...This isn't about rent.
Arthur Kirkland: To be completely honest, my brother did all of this behind my back. I loathe being forced to share a space, my space, with veritable strangers and have to interact with them on what would perhaps be a daily basis.I treasure my privacy and you are trampling it.
Alfred F. Jones: [sighs] Listen... if it bothers you that much, I'll move out.
Arthur Kirkland: ......
Arthur Kirkland: ...I'll probably regret this, in fact I already am.
Arthur Kirkland: But stay out of my way and don't touch anything of mine and I will allow you to sleep here.
Alfred F. Jones: R-Really?
Arthur Kirkland: If I find you to be too much of an impediment or have discovered you willfully disobeying me, I will not hesitate to throw you out.
Arthur Kirkland: Do I make myself clear?
Alfred F. Jones: Y-Yeah! Of course! I can not touch your stuff no problem!
Arthur Kirkland: And no prancing about going into rooms because of curiosity.
Alfred F. Jones: [grins sheepishly] You know me Kirkland, I like staying out of people's things.
Arthur Kirkland: I don't know you that well.
Arthur Kirkland: Nor do I intend to, forgive me for saying.
Alfred F. Jones: Oh well, I guess you can't have everything... [glancing at him] Though... If I do make shepherd's pie, I want you to have some.
Arthur Kirkland: ...I suppose that wouldn't be too difficult to manage.
Arthur Kirkland: Given that you don't provide me with a reason to use my utensils to cut you a new one.
Alfred F. Jones: Deal. So... Can I move my stuff upstairs now?
Arthur Kirkland: [smiles ever so...well, triumphantly] Oh, but the bedrooms upstairs are absolutely filthy.
Arthur Kirkland: It'll take...oh, I don't know, a week? for them to be cleaned thoroughly.
Alfred F. Jones: I-I can help clean
Alfred F. Jones: Really, I just don't wanna be under those stairs!
Arthur Kirkland:Whats wrong with the stairs.
Alfred F. Jones: The sextoys
Arthur Kirkland: .............
Arthur Kirkland: Would you just--!
Arthur Kirkland: What are you?!
Arthur Kirkland: Twelve!?
Alfred F. Jones: Oh, you wanna sleep with a ballgag and whip staring at you?!
Arthur Kirkland: They can't stare at you if you don't stare at it and--...
Arthur Kirkland: ...wait a moment.
Arthur Kirkland: There's something missing.
Arthur Kirkland: ...you took something, didn't you?
Arthur Kirkland: [not angry, just highly, highly amused]
Alfred F. Jones: W-What!?
Arthur Kirkland: [and probably making this up, but oh, well, gotta get his kicks from somewhere]
Alfred F. Jones: No!
Alfred F. Jones: I may have jerked off in there
Alfred F. Jones: but that was unrelated!
Arthur Kirkland: ...
Alfred F. Jones: that was phone sex
Alfred F. Jones: totally different.
Arthur Kirkland: I really do not desire to know of such activities taking place in my house, thank you kindly.
Alfred F. Jones: ..Honestly, I didn't take any;;
Arthur Kirkland: [rolls eyes, the fun sucked out of the jest] Fine, fine.
Alfred F. Jones: So... can I move... upstairs?
Arthur Kirkland: ....
Arthur Kirkland: Tell anyone and you're back down here for a month.
Alfred F. Jones: Yes sir. [stares at for a moment before hugging him. Letting that lovely action sink in, pulls away and backs off, winking and picking up his laptop, hurrying up the stairs] Thaaaaaaanks Kirkland~
Arthur Kirkland: [yells after him] Do that again and I'll 'ave your bits and pieces!
Alfred F. Jones: /mad cackling.
Arthur Kirkland: Don't tempt me! My threats are anything but empty!
Alfred F. Jones: Hey! [pokes his head out of the room] These are clean!
Arthur Kirkland: ...your standards for cleanliness must be very low.
Arthur Kirkland: And yet why am I not surprised...
Alfred F. Jones:[from inside the room] I heard that! it just needs frebreeze and some elbow grease [touches curtains and is attacked by cloud of dust, sending him into a fit of coughs]
Arthur Kirkland: And I heard that.
Alfred F. Jones: [wheezes] Scratch that, a loooooot of TLC [sits down on the bed] Hey Kirkland, you were askin' me about that occult stuff... Do you believe in faeries and shit?
Arthur Kirkland: ...and if I do?
Alfred F. Jones: Why? I guess...
Arthur Kirkland: I saw, I believed.
Alfred F. Jones: [head peeks over the railing of the second floor, blue eyes wide] You... saw faeries!?
Arthur Kirkland: ...is there a problem with that? [cagey, just daring the other to say something wrong]
Alfred F. Jones: No! [totally engrossed, like a kid getting an N64 at Christmas and whispering] What did they look like?
Arthur Kirkland: ...like faeries.
Alfred F. Jones: [too excited to quip back] Were they flying? What about unicorns? And leprechauns? Have you seen them? and their pot of gold? Oh! What about ghosts, I bet there's loads of them here, a-and I bet some of them are poltergeists, yeah! But you said they were exorcised? Wowwwww-
Arthur Kirkland: [really not expecting such a reaction and taken off-guard with all the questions] A-ah yes, well. I've seen all sorts of creatures...those you just listed to name a few... [studiously keeping away from the past incident with ghosts]
Alfred F. Jones: A-And the ghost?! [hurries down stairs to stand near Arthur, lowering his voice conspiratorially] Can you see dead people?
Arthur Kirkland: Oh for Christ's sake-- Wipe those ideas that those third rate films have undoubtedly put into your head!
Alfred F. Jones: So you can't see them... [looks distinctly put-out] Lame.
tl;dr: Alfred is now out of the cupboard under the stairs (during his stay there he had phone sex with Ivan and discovered a sextoy collection) and living in a room upstairs, owes Arthur some gumbo and shepherd's pie, knows about Arthur's ability to see the occult while Arthur has decided to never tap that ass, has plans to make Alfred's life a living hell, has revealed that it was indeed Alfred who ruined the manuscript and is generally unappreciative of Alfred's Harry Potter jokes.