Sailing along
Things are going well.
I have had occasion to hang out with my MP and my... boyfriend at the same time.
(Ok, random side note; I have referred to him as "Him" and half of "My Lovelies" and the like, but not actually assigned a title. However, "Boyfriend" is the title he's embracing, so I'm going to use that going forward. Same fellow.)
I was always a little weird about titles. Huh. Ok, so that's not the post I intended but why not dig down on it?
It's really all about the expectations. I'm forging my existence, one piece at a time and I don't always (ok, I don't *usually) follow the scripts. Early on, I worked out that I wasn't like everyone else and that I could lean into it and decide for myself what I wanted and who I wanted to be. In retrospect, my kid therapist was probably doing the best he could with a super weird ADHD kid that they didn't know how to deal with in the early 80s. That rejection-sensitivity Disphoria is a big ol' bitch.
So here I am; and I find that "labels" bother me for a variety of reasons. I'm not living the big script. I'm often on the road less traveled (and sometimes forging my own road entirely) so I don't like to use labels that mean very specific things. Once I hit my 20s I didn't like "Girlfriend" or "Boyfriend" as a title and tended to shy away from it, unless it was a title my partner wanted. I've already ranted in this blog about the horrors associated with the title of "Wife" and I made a shitty Fiance during the period when I was one.
I also hate the expectations associated with Gender.
I'm gender-fluid and the reason I claim that title at all is that it comes closest to my attitude about my own expression of gender. Sometimes I like to be fancy. This ranges from a full drag-queen presentation with make-up, glitter, and very extreme Feminine presentation to a character from the Three Musketeers. (And I mean Porthos)
I like being a big fop, I like being a fairy princess, and I like being an evil queen.
But not every day.
Not even most days.
Most days my gender presentation is closer to "Racoon" or "Just woke up". Shower, tuck my hair away, wear the things that are legally required (or that fit within my dress code at work) that require the least amount of effort. During quarantine, I was most likely wearing loose, stretchy pants, a knit top of some kind, and crocs. I dress like a new parent.
And I like it that way.
When I need to be fancy at work, my boss always goes on and on about how great I look and it always feels weird to me. Like, "Yeah, I look good every day. Today I'm practicing "Fashion". My face is pretty every day, but today I'm practicing my make-up artistry. And she acts like my value as a person and as an employee is directly connected to practicing fashion and make-up artistry. I reject that value system.
Do I resist "being a girl" or "Being a woman" because I hate the expectations that come along with it? I don't hate my body. I don't hate my breasts, but I do hate bras sometimes.
I don't hate my genitals, but I have always viciously resented menstruation. (HATE IT SO MUCH THIS IS A DESIGN FLAW) And I've always kind of wanted to be able to have a penis when I felt like it. (both for sex-related and non-sex-related reasons.)
Read a thing on Tumblr (and I do not remember who wrote it! Augh! If you know who it is tell me so I can credit them!) that said something like:
When we are born, you get a choice: You can be loved, or respected.
Women are loved, men are respected.
So you make your choice, and it isn't until you're an adult that you discover that "Loved" means "Desired" and "Respected" means "Feared."
Women are valued according to their fuckability. Men are valued by the respect/fear they inspire.
Well fuck all of that.
I like to be feared sometimes. I like to be desired sometimes. (I actually really like sitting in the spot between those to reactions, but that's an entirely different post.) I like to be loved, and I like to be respected.
But you know what else I like?
I like to challenge people's expectations. My favorite gender presentations are usually some variation of a magic trick: Ha ha! Made you look! Surprise! NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
Which may be why I can be hot with my hair all tucked away, wearing my glasses, in sweatpants and a t-shirt and an unsupportive but comfortable bra, and a pair of crocs. I can. I have. If I'm feeling sexy, I just channel that inner Mae West/Divine.
So perhaps its the same thing with the titles. I would really rather just say "Lover" or "partner" than a gendered term like Boyfriend or Girlfriend or Husband or Wife.
That doesn't mean I can't respect what my lover or partner wants to be called, though.
I have had occasion to hang out with my MP and my... boyfriend at the same time.
(Ok, random side note; I have referred to him as "Him" and half of "My Lovelies" and the like, but not actually assigned a title. However, "Boyfriend" is the title he's embracing, so I'm going to use that going forward. Same fellow.)
I was always a little weird about titles. Huh. Ok, so that's not the post I intended but why not dig down on it?
It's really all about the expectations. I'm forging my existence, one piece at a time and I don't always (ok, I don't *usually) follow the scripts. Early on, I worked out that I wasn't like everyone else and that I could lean into it and decide for myself what I wanted and who I wanted to be. In retrospect, my kid therapist was probably doing the best he could with a super weird ADHD kid that they didn't know how to deal with in the early 80s. That rejection-sensitivity Disphoria is a big ol' bitch.
So here I am; and I find that "labels" bother me for a variety of reasons. I'm not living the big script. I'm often on the road less traveled (and sometimes forging my own road entirely) so I don't like to use labels that mean very specific things. Once I hit my 20s I didn't like "Girlfriend" or "Boyfriend" as a title and tended to shy away from it, unless it was a title my partner wanted. I've already ranted in this blog about the horrors associated with the title of "Wife" and I made a shitty Fiance during the period when I was one.
I also hate the expectations associated with Gender.
I'm gender-fluid and the reason I claim that title at all is that it comes closest to my attitude about my own expression of gender. Sometimes I like to be fancy. This ranges from a full drag-queen presentation with make-up, glitter, and very extreme Feminine presentation to a character from the Three Musketeers. (And I mean Porthos)
I like being a big fop, I like being a fairy princess, and I like being an evil queen.
But not every day.
Not even most days.
Most days my gender presentation is closer to "Racoon" or "Just woke up". Shower, tuck my hair away, wear the things that are legally required (or that fit within my dress code at work) that require the least amount of effort. During quarantine, I was most likely wearing loose, stretchy pants, a knit top of some kind, and crocs. I dress like a new parent.
And I like it that way.
When I need to be fancy at work, my boss always goes on and on about how great I look and it always feels weird to me. Like, "Yeah, I look good every day. Today I'm practicing "Fashion". My face is pretty every day, but today I'm practicing my make-up artistry. And she acts like my value as a person and as an employee is directly connected to practicing fashion and make-up artistry. I reject that value system.
Do I resist "being a girl" or "Being a woman" because I hate the expectations that come along with it? I don't hate my body. I don't hate my breasts, but I do hate bras sometimes.
I don't hate my genitals, but I have always viciously resented menstruation. (HATE IT SO MUCH THIS IS A DESIGN FLAW) And I've always kind of wanted to be able to have a penis when I felt like it. (both for sex-related and non-sex-related reasons.)
Read a thing on Tumblr (and I do not remember who wrote it! Augh! If you know who it is tell me so I can credit them!) that said something like:
When we are born, you get a choice: You can be loved, or respected.
Women are loved, men are respected.
So you make your choice, and it isn't until you're an adult that you discover that "Loved" means "Desired" and "Respected" means "Feared."
Women are valued according to their fuckability. Men are valued by the respect/fear they inspire.
Well fuck all of that.
I like to be feared sometimes. I like to be desired sometimes. (I actually really like sitting in the spot between those to reactions, but that's an entirely different post.) I like to be loved, and I like to be respected.
But you know what else I like?
I like to challenge people's expectations. My favorite gender presentations are usually some variation of a magic trick: Ha ha! Made you look! Surprise! NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
Which may be why I can be hot with my hair all tucked away, wearing my glasses, in sweatpants and a t-shirt and an unsupportive but comfortable bra, and a pair of crocs. I can. I have. If I'm feeling sexy, I just channel that inner Mae West/Divine.
So perhaps its the same thing with the titles. I would really rather just say "Lover" or "partner" than a gendered term like Boyfriend or Girlfriend or Husband or Wife.
That doesn't mean I can't respect what my lover or partner wants to be called, though.