(no subject)
Hibernating is a sin! Oh lord a sin against man kind.
She doesn't realize that these walls are paper thin. Frankly its a good thing. At least I know how she feels about me. How she speaks about me when she thinks I'm not listening. Not cool. Not cool, but good to know that I'm not halucinating.
"You realize shes been sitting all day on her fat ass on that computer." She told him.
His response: "She sleeps all day, she does nothing in this house. Why does she even live here?"
Moms answer: .... XXXXX
I have no idea what her answer was. Phone rang and cut her off.
I don't know what I did to them. Really I don't. I avoid them because I'm a burden. I stay in my room reading, typing, minding my business. I'm still a burden.
"She sleep all day." Yeah.. You get depressed, see how many hours you stay awake. I wish I wasn't a burden. I wish I wasn't this "fat slob" that they think I am. Or at least I wish I wasn't in their eyes.
I'm not very lazy. Who cares though really. If I am, I am. Right? No need defending myself when they weren't even talking to me.
I spent most of the day cleaning. Working on my room. Organizing paperwork. Medical Charts, and other things. (Which reminds me.. I need to bring my file cabinet down from the other house) Did some laundry. 4 loads or so.. I think I still have one in the dryer.
Yeah.. I've been sitting on my "fat ass" *rolls eyes*. Whatever.
My whole comment about readmitting myself wasn't me being funny, or sardonic. I was being truthful.
I seriously think I might need more medical attention.
I've not really lost the urges that put me there in the first place. Still an endangerment to myself I guess you'd say. I can't even deal with little things anymore. Things that I'd usually shrug off. Like the "fat ass" comment.
Or the medical bills grand total.
Or the fact that the cats were out of food, and I had to go and buy food. I couldn't even pick out a freaking brand of food. Thats how bad it was.
I don't know what to do anymore. Really. I have no clue.
Honestly.
I suppose I should have.. I should have found another doctor after the one said she couldn't accept my insurance. I should have called to make sure my appt was at the right time. I should have kept up on my studies. I should have told the doctors about the seizures a long time ago. I should have told them I was nuts, let them help me before I had to get help. I should have.. I should have. Fuck.. So many I should haves...
The fact is.. I didn't. None of those. I went to the doctor, told her everything. Really wanted to go back. It was so much more physically draining than you'd think. Then when she called after I'd already put in the effort, "We cant accept your insurance sorry. Please find another doctor." What am I supposed to do? Say yeah.. Um.. No.. I'll pay the $95 for each visit out of my own pocket. I'd go for two sessinos then I wouldn't be able to afford to go anymore.
Tried to refil my perscription. $80... I guess Insurance isn't covering much of anything anymore. I can only imagine if they put me on more meds.
JUST!!! Its so frustrating.
I was supposed to leave in three days for Illinois. My trip to Bradley. To the school I wanted to go to.
I'm just so disappointed in myself.
Disgusted more like. I wish I would have planned better.
Whatever.
I have to talk to my manager again tomorrow. See If I can be put back on the schedule. Hopefully. Of course I'll have to talk to her about medical stuff too. EIther lie to her and tell her I'm stable, and able to work. Or tell her the truth, and let her hire someone else. I need the work. I need the money. I don't think I'll tell the truth. No matter how sick I get. I need to be at work, or I'll never pay this shit off.
Got one bit of good news though. Chronicals of Narnia came today! I get to start my new series. Lion Witch and the Wardrobe! Oh My!
Bah!
She doesn't realize that these walls are paper thin. Frankly its a good thing. At least I know how she feels about me. How she speaks about me when she thinks I'm not listening. Not cool. Not cool, but good to know that I'm not halucinating.
"You realize shes been sitting all day on her fat ass on that computer." She told him.
His response: "She sleeps all day, she does nothing in this house. Why does she even live here?"
Moms answer: .... XXXXX
I have no idea what her answer was. Phone rang and cut her off.
I don't know what I did to them. Really I don't. I avoid them because I'm a burden. I stay in my room reading, typing, minding my business. I'm still a burden.
"She sleep all day." Yeah.. You get depressed, see how many hours you stay awake. I wish I wasn't a burden. I wish I wasn't this "fat slob" that they think I am. Or at least I wish I wasn't in their eyes.
I'm not very lazy. Who cares though really. If I am, I am. Right? No need defending myself when they weren't even talking to me.
I spent most of the day cleaning. Working on my room. Organizing paperwork. Medical Charts, and other things. (Which reminds me.. I need to bring my file cabinet down from the other house) Did some laundry. 4 loads or so.. I think I still have one in the dryer.
Yeah.. I've been sitting on my "fat ass" *rolls eyes*. Whatever.
My whole comment about readmitting myself wasn't me being funny, or sardonic. I was being truthful.
I seriously think I might need more medical attention.
I've not really lost the urges that put me there in the first place. Still an endangerment to myself I guess you'd say. I can't even deal with little things anymore. Things that I'd usually shrug off. Like the "fat ass" comment.
Or the medical bills grand total.
Or the fact that the cats were out of food, and I had to go and buy food. I couldn't even pick out a freaking brand of food. Thats how bad it was.
I don't know what to do anymore. Really. I have no clue.
Honestly.
I suppose I should have.. I should have found another doctor after the one said she couldn't accept my insurance. I should have called to make sure my appt was at the right time. I should have kept up on my studies. I should have told the doctors about the seizures a long time ago. I should have told them I was nuts, let them help me before I had to get help. I should have.. I should have. Fuck.. So many I should haves...
The fact is.. I didn't. None of those. I went to the doctor, told her everything. Really wanted to go back. It was so much more physically draining than you'd think. Then when she called after I'd already put in the effort, "We cant accept your insurance sorry. Please find another doctor." What am I supposed to do? Say yeah.. Um.. No.. I'll pay the $95 for each visit out of my own pocket. I'd go for two sessinos then I wouldn't be able to afford to go anymore.
Tried to refil my perscription. $80... I guess Insurance isn't covering much of anything anymore. I can only imagine if they put me on more meds.
JUST!!! Its so frustrating.
I was supposed to leave in three days for Illinois. My trip to Bradley. To the school I wanted to go to.
I'm just so disappointed in myself.
Disgusted more like. I wish I would have planned better.
Whatever.
I have to talk to my manager again tomorrow. See If I can be put back on the schedule. Hopefully. Of course I'll have to talk to her about medical stuff too. EIther lie to her and tell her I'm stable, and able to work. Or tell her the truth, and let her hire someone else. I need the work. I need the money. I don't think I'll tell the truth. No matter how sick I get. I need to be at work, or I'll never pay this shit off.
Got one bit of good news though. Chronicals of Narnia came today! I get to start my new series. Lion Witch and the Wardrobe! Oh My!
Bah!