hormone rushes
My emotions about everything and everyone have been so flexible lately, so fluid and tempermental-not neccessarily in a bad way....I've been having trouble articulating what I'm feeling I guess is what it might come down to. I feel huge changes coming, like there is a constant shining mass of white light looming towards the front of my mind. I fell asleep at & or so this morning, I was staying at Barry's, but it's so fucking difficult to fit two sprawling sleepers into a twin bed. Barry has become vegetarian, I'm kind of proud of him, a week ago he mentioned something to me about his interest in feminism being piqued, he's taking a women's studies class actually...and now I've got him reading cunt and we're going to the vagina monologues together. I told Barry that's it's been so amazing watching our relationship with one another grow, and seeing him constantly change, and we seem to always be on the same level, he's coming out to washington this summer to stay with me for a bit, we're gonna go to Vancouver and stuff, it'll be amazing, Barry is definately a person that I'm looking forward to exploring more of life with, I hope that B and I will always be this close, cause it's just a great friendship, the whole thing is strange though, cause I go through phases where I think that I might love him, but them I go through times where I'm just like, it's just Barry, and then I'm not even physically attracted to him...this is just one example of how confusing the concept of love is to me..the whole things seems so elusive sometimes, and I just think, "how do you know what love is?". And really, how do you? I guess though, that's it's something each of us are gonna find out for ourselves.
My dad and I had a long conversation about nothing and everything tonight, he told me a secret that he's only ever told to one other person, a really cool secret, he read me a story that he wrote recalling his relationship with his father when he was young, when they used to go fishing together and stuff, we talked about religion, and dying, and just everything, it was actually like this insane awakening, my dad really has strived to become less of an asshole, and gradually, I grow to further understand him...he's always been an enigma. I've never really known him, because I was too afraid of him.
Well, I'm in an honest mood, so I'm just going to lay everything out now.
The whole "thing" whatever the fuck it is, with Matt, is so confusing, because sometimes I feel like I could really give a fuck about him when he's being so nonchalant and pansy-assed about everything, and when I think that any feelings that I might have for him are completely based on need-my need to have someone around, physically, pseudo-emotionally, whatever, because I was feeling neglected and lonely...and sometimes I think it feels that way for matt too....but then there are those times when we lay in bed and hold each other and do nothing ...and then I told him that I loved him, and maybe it was a lie, at the time, it felt like the right thing to say, and half of me might agree with it, hell, I have no fucking clue. All of my relationships with boys are always so in the gray area, sometimes I love it, sometimes it gets old, maybe that's what it comes down to.
And here's the thing, and this is taking so much for me to do right now, and I'm, totally doubting myself, but who the fuck cares? Here's a thing that's unsettling, and involves more mixed emotions than anything else. Greg, you're the only person whom I've consistantly thought about every day since meeting. There's a part of me that's still in love with you, and you probably know that. Of course, the logical part of me says that that's really silly cause it's been like 5 years, and that's it probably just because, as "flawed" (for lack of a better word?) as it was in retrospect, it was the most real and the most pure, and you were the first and only boy to have treated me that well, and so, maybe that's what it is. There have definately been long periods of time when I didn't think about you in a romantic sense anymore, and then, one day, there it was again, out of nowhere you would start showing up in dreams and tarot readings, and it was completely a surprise to me to see you there, but, there you were, and now I have this strange quasi-insight into your life, as brief as it is, and so I can't forget about you. And so maybe what it comes down to is that I miss you because we were once close, and I hate it when those types of things comes to such screaching stop. Really, I'm just curious to know what type of person you've blossomed into, thought my heart tells me that now matter how either one of us may have changed, we'd still get along fabulously... So, I guess, in conclusion, you were the most amazing and beautiful person I'ver ever had the privilege of knowing, and probably the only person that I've ever actually loved in the truest sense and if you asked my why I felt the need to say all of this, I couldn't tell you, other than it lifts a great wieght off of my heart somehow...strangely, nothing has ever taken me this much courage to execute...be gentle...after all of this you might say I'm just confused, but really, every thing suddenly seems so clear.
My dad and I had a long conversation about nothing and everything tonight, he told me a secret that he's only ever told to one other person, a really cool secret, he read me a story that he wrote recalling his relationship with his father when he was young, when they used to go fishing together and stuff, we talked about religion, and dying, and just everything, it was actually like this insane awakening, my dad really has strived to become less of an asshole, and gradually, I grow to further understand him...he's always been an enigma. I've never really known him, because I was too afraid of him.
Well, I'm in an honest mood, so I'm just going to lay everything out now.
The whole "thing" whatever the fuck it is, with Matt, is so confusing, because sometimes I feel like I could really give a fuck about him when he's being so nonchalant and pansy-assed about everything, and when I think that any feelings that I might have for him are completely based on need-my need to have someone around, physically, pseudo-emotionally, whatever, because I was feeling neglected and lonely...and sometimes I think it feels that way for matt too....but then there are those times when we lay in bed and hold each other and do nothing ...and then I told him that I loved him, and maybe it was a lie, at the time, it felt like the right thing to say, and half of me might agree with it, hell, I have no fucking clue. All of my relationships with boys are always so in the gray area, sometimes I love it, sometimes it gets old, maybe that's what it comes down to.
And here's the thing, and this is taking so much for me to do right now, and I'm, totally doubting myself, but who the fuck cares? Here's a thing that's unsettling, and involves more mixed emotions than anything else. Greg, you're the only person whom I've consistantly thought about every day since meeting. There's a part of me that's still in love with you, and you probably know that. Of course, the logical part of me says that that's really silly cause it's been like 5 years, and that's it probably just because, as "flawed" (for lack of a better word?) as it was in retrospect, it was the most real and the most pure, and you were the first and only boy to have treated me that well, and so, maybe that's what it is. There have definately been long periods of time when I didn't think about you in a romantic sense anymore, and then, one day, there it was again, out of nowhere you would start showing up in dreams and tarot readings, and it was completely a surprise to me to see you there, but, there you were, and now I have this strange quasi-insight into your life, as brief as it is, and so I can't forget about you. And so maybe what it comes down to is that I miss you because we were once close, and I hate it when those types of things comes to such screaching stop. Really, I'm just curious to know what type of person you've blossomed into, thought my heart tells me that now matter how either one of us may have changed, we'd still get along fabulously... So, I guess, in conclusion, you were the most amazing and beautiful person I'ver ever had the privilege of knowing, and probably the only person that I've ever actually loved in the truest sense and if you asked my why I felt the need to say all of this, I couldn't tell you, other than it lifts a great wieght off of my heart somehow...strangely, nothing has ever taken me this much courage to execute...be gentle...after all of this you might say I'm just confused, but really, every thing suddenly seems so clear.