(no subject)
I don't know.
A lot has changed, a lot is changing, and even more needs to be changed. I keep saying it but insist on sticking to what I'm familiar with, knowing it's not going to get me anywhere.
After work today, I decided I wanted to (finally) get on a bike. The story behind all this is that... I never really got to learn how to ride one as a child. Gasp, gasp--blah, blah. I'm so used to the reactions by now. My father always tried to teach me but I never wanted to get rid of my training wheels. Again, change. My whole obsessive compulsive-ness started very young as a child. I refused to have those wheels removed, until I got too old to be seen riding around the block on my four-wheeler. Instead of realizing it was time to just get rid of the training wheels and actually learn how to ride a "real" bike, I decided it was time to give it away to my younger cousin and give up for the rest of my life, because why would I dare try something new and different. It only took my younger cousin a couple weeks to get rid of the training wheels. I was about 9 (or maybe 10?) by this point, I think. I was incredibly jealous. I was angry with myself. My father would go out every morning to bike, and it drove me off the walls but I never said a word. Until this day, it makes me furious to see people on their bikes around the city because I get mad at myself for being the way that I am. How stupid of me! Right?
Anyway. Today. I made my mom park her car out on the driveway so I can attempt to ride my dad's bike around in circles in our garage. I was so excited. I had this planned out since the minute I fell asleep (I had a dream about it), and knew I had to do it first chance I got. I knew I could do it. It didn't seem impossible to me at all. So... I closed the garage door (it would be embarrassing for the neighbors to see a 20-some year old girl attempting to ride a bike around the block), got the bike out in the center of the garage...took a deeeeep breath, and said "Okay. No training wheels, Leda." And then I was face to face with the biggest disappointment I could ever encounter. My legs were too short to reach the pedals. The seat was at it's lowest. My feet just would not reach. It was impossible, and it was embarrassing. And...relating this to last nights entry, it made me feel completely VULNERABLE. Again, I'm reminded of my physical self and realize I'm not who I tell myself I am. It just keeps dragging me down.
Maybe I'm reading way too into the events that have been taking place lately, but it must mean something. It can't just be a coincidence. But pushing all that side--what am I ever going to do about my dream to finally ride a two wheeler, NORMAL bike? How will I ever accomplish this without having a bike available for my trials and errors? How am I ever going to get over this?!
I realize this completely. I'm overreacting, but this was huge for me. I really wanted this today, and I couldn't accomplish it. I can't just go out and get a new bike appropriate for my height because it's kind of dumb spending so much money on something you don't even know how to properly use. I know what you're probably thinking. Well, you'll get the hang out if. A couple falls and tumbles later, you'll be a pro. Practice makes perfect. I know, I know, I know. --but I also know I'll probably give up eventually. It's not the attitude I should have towards this, but I can't make such a commitment when I'm not even sure.
I sound like I"m talking about something life-altering here, I know. But to me, it kind of is. I don't know if anyone will really ever understand this. But I feel extremely discouraged. My dad's bike is too high for my feet to reach the pedals and now I have no bike to practice with in my garage.
WHAT DO I DO?
I can't sleep.
A lot has changed, a lot is changing, and even more needs to be changed. I keep saying it but insist on sticking to what I'm familiar with, knowing it's not going to get me anywhere.
After work today, I decided I wanted to (finally) get on a bike. The story behind all this is that... I never really got to learn how to ride one as a child. Gasp, gasp--blah, blah. I'm so used to the reactions by now. My father always tried to teach me but I never wanted to get rid of my training wheels. Again, change. My whole obsessive compulsive-ness started very young as a child. I refused to have those wheels removed, until I got too old to be seen riding around the block on my four-wheeler. Instead of realizing it was time to just get rid of the training wheels and actually learn how to ride a "real" bike, I decided it was time to give it away to my younger cousin and give up for the rest of my life, because why would I dare try something new and different. It only took my younger cousin a couple weeks to get rid of the training wheels. I was about 9 (or maybe 10?) by this point, I think. I was incredibly jealous. I was angry with myself. My father would go out every morning to bike, and it drove me off the walls but I never said a word. Until this day, it makes me furious to see people on their bikes around the city because I get mad at myself for being the way that I am. How stupid of me! Right?
Anyway. Today. I made my mom park her car out on the driveway so I can attempt to ride my dad's bike around in circles in our garage. I was so excited. I had this planned out since the minute I fell asleep (I had a dream about it), and knew I had to do it first chance I got. I knew I could do it. It didn't seem impossible to me at all. So... I closed the garage door (it would be embarrassing for the neighbors to see a 20-some year old girl attempting to ride a bike around the block), got the bike out in the center of the garage...took a deeeeep breath, and said "Okay. No training wheels, Leda." And then I was face to face with the biggest disappointment I could ever encounter. My legs were too short to reach the pedals. The seat was at it's lowest. My feet just would not reach. It was impossible, and it was embarrassing. And...relating this to last nights entry, it made me feel completely VULNERABLE. Again, I'm reminded of my physical self and realize I'm not who I tell myself I am. It just keeps dragging me down.
Maybe I'm reading way too into the events that have been taking place lately, but it must mean something. It can't just be a coincidence. But pushing all that side--what am I ever going to do about my dream to finally ride a two wheeler, NORMAL bike? How will I ever accomplish this without having a bike available for my trials and errors? How am I ever going to get over this?!
I realize this completely. I'm overreacting, but this was huge for me. I really wanted this today, and I couldn't accomplish it. I can't just go out and get a new bike appropriate for my height because it's kind of dumb spending so much money on something you don't even know how to properly use. I know what you're probably thinking. Well, you'll get the hang out if. A couple falls and tumbles later, you'll be a pro. Practice makes perfect. I know, I know, I know. --but I also know I'll probably give up eventually. It's not the attitude I should have towards this, but I can't make such a commitment when I'm not even sure.
I sound like I"m talking about something life-altering here, I know. But to me, it kind of is. I don't know if anyone will really ever understand this. But I feel extremely discouraged. My dad's bike is too high for my feet to reach the pedals and now I have no bike to practice with in my garage.
WHAT DO I DO?
I can't sleep.