I'd rather dance with you than talk with you
how do we give love a new name
how can we touch wonder after we've reasoned ourselves to death?
how can we give voice to our aches instead of choking them?
how can we allow our hearts to desire freely
without binding them to the limits of our previous experience?
I've been fighting a new fight lately.
There's been this strange season of yucky feelings, uninvited, ushered in by the post-holiday decline. Life just feels...frustrating. More treadmill and less adventure. More obligation and less satisfaction that it's all gonna mean something in the end. Somehow my insecurities keep popping back up and I can't seem to help questioning my relationship with Miguel; my needs, his abilities, our agreements and understandings. I'll feel fine and go about my business, but the depressive feelings come like a repeat attack. It's very strange.
So for the first time in my life I am finding myself in a very familiar place and deciding to react in a very unfamiliar way. I am facing the yuck. I am examining it. I am talking to God about it and exposing the lies that have been implanted in my heart. Whereas before I would have wriggled away from the pain, drank or smoked it away, done something reckless to my personal life to create distracting drama, or zoned out on the internet and worked on making myself feel more important - I'm trying this new thing where I believe the Bible's promises and work on being more obedient, receptive, faithful, and loving.
I realize how small my problems are and have been trying to open myself up to unselfishness as a life philosophy. I am taking a month off of alcohol. Not because it was controlling me, or creating problems, but just because it tends to make me selfish and I've never gone more than a week or two without something alcoholic since I turned 21. Being legal was being entitled in my mind. I've already felt disappointed about not being able to drink two or three days out of the five since I made the decision to take a break, so it's exposing more than I realized.
I keep reaching for things that will help my ability to brag about What I'm Doing With My Life, but so far I've been forced to settle with Supervisor at a Coffeeshop Who Dances on the Side and Has a Sweet Boyfriend.
Could be worse.
how can we touch wonder after we've reasoned ourselves to death?
how can we give voice to our aches instead of choking them?
how can we allow our hearts to desire freely
without binding them to the limits of our previous experience?
I've been fighting a new fight lately.
There's been this strange season of yucky feelings, uninvited, ushered in by the post-holiday decline. Life just feels...frustrating. More treadmill and less adventure. More obligation and less satisfaction that it's all gonna mean something in the end. Somehow my insecurities keep popping back up and I can't seem to help questioning my relationship with Miguel; my needs, his abilities, our agreements and understandings. I'll feel fine and go about my business, but the depressive feelings come like a repeat attack. It's very strange.
So for the first time in my life I am finding myself in a very familiar place and deciding to react in a very unfamiliar way. I am facing the yuck. I am examining it. I am talking to God about it and exposing the lies that have been implanted in my heart. Whereas before I would have wriggled away from the pain, drank or smoked it away, done something reckless to my personal life to create distracting drama, or zoned out on the internet and worked on making myself feel more important - I'm trying this new thing where I believe the Bible's promises and work on being more obedient, receptive, faithful, and loving.
I realize how small my problems are and have been trying to open myself up to unselfishness as a life philosophy. I am taking a month off of alcohol. Not because it was controlling me, or creating problems, but just because it tends to make me selfish and I've never gone more than a week or two without something alcoholic since I turned 21. Being legal was being entitled in my mind. I've already felt disappointed about not being able to drink two or three days out of the five since I made the decision to take a break, so it's exposing more than I realized.
I keep reaching for things that will help my ability to brag about What I'm Doing With My Life, but so far I've been forced to settle with Supervisor at a Coffeeshop Who Dances on the Side and Has a Sweet Boyfriend.
Could be worse.