Moments you realise your middle sister is part of the problem
When, a few weeks ago, the alleged assault of that masseur by John Travolta, she says she doesn't believe it. (FYI: she knows almost nothing of the case, and neither do I. I'm not commenting on the case here, just her thoughts based on the small amount of info we have). I asked her, fairly light-heartedly, why not.
"Why wouldn't he have come forward before now? It's been ages."
"I can think of plenty of reasons."
"I just don't think it's - respectable."
Respectable. REALLY?
Okay, I am a fellow middle-class English rose, and I understand the impulse to reach for that kind of word - it's not right, it's not polite, it's vulgar, it's not proper - but I am so completely chilled by that kind of rape-culture bollocks coming from her mouth. It's one of those terms that, knowing her as I do, I just find... ick.
She means surely he wants money. She means why is he airing this dirty laundry in public. Why, if it did happen, why didn't he say something at the time? And this is when this man is going up against someone rich and famous and respected.
I just hate it. I had a guy grab me in the street in the middle of the night, with obvious intent, six months ago. I ran and I didn't call the police (I didn't think I'd recognise him, and God knows I don't trust the Met) and I was basically fine. I only told a couple of friends, and those only so I'd know I'd told someone instead of keeping it secret. But I am really not pleased to realise Middle Sister very likely wouldn't believe me if I told her.
And just... the other people I've known who've suffered this? Universally haven't told. My best friend was raped, and she stayed with him and kept talking about making him happy & better even when we were all begging her to dump him. She didn't tell me what he'd done for over a year, and then only in allusive comments. I made a gritted-teeth comment about it being 'his fault - I'd even say his crime' and went to wash dishes until I'd calmed down. She said 'oh' behind me, surprised, and I suspect that she hadn't realised until then it was rape. Even though she was an educated feminist, who'd called it what it was when a guy assaulted her the year before, kissing her against her will.
The guy who'd kissed her - let's call him Wanker - everyone on our campus knew about him. When I barely knew the lone Tory on our student union council, we got chatting about Wanker, a fellow Tory - and this boy spat that Wanker was a rapist. And lone-Tory was not the kind of bloke to say that jokingly or lightly. I fervently agreed. So did another boy sitting with us (I suspect he also knew what this Wanker had done to a mutual friend of ours). The lone Tory, on the other hand, he wasn't friends with any of the three women I knew Wanker had assaulted - but the way he said it, he knew for fucking sure.
No one reported this man to the police, to my knowledge. He's still free. Every single woman he assaulted, whether with a kiss when she was struggling or something more, had her own reasons not to tell the police. And Middle Sister - she's at uni now. It happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME at uni. Five women of my acquaintance - and another I heard about for very tragic reasons - were raped at university, two by two different men, and it's not like every single woman I know was close enough to confide that kind of thing to me.
It is terrifying to me, for Middle Sister and Youngest Sister and Middle Sister's friends, that she is so automatically disbelieving of someone coming forward after a few years against a powerful enemy. Thank God her boyfriend is a good person.
This was originally posted at http://www.dreamwidth.org/12345.html. Comment wherever you like :)
"Why wouldn't he have come forward before now? It's been ages."
"I can think of plenty of reasons."
"I just don't think it's - respectable."
Respectable. REALLY?
Okay, I am a fellow middle-class English rose, and I understand the impulse to reach for that kind of word - it's not right, it's not polite, it's vulgar, it's not proper - but I am so completely chilled by that kind of rape-culture bollocks coming from her mouth. It's one of those terms that, knowing her as I do, I just find... ick.
She means surely he wants money. She means why is he airing this dirty laundry in public. Why, if it did happen, why didn't he say something at the time? And this is when this man is going up against someone rich and famous and respected.
I just hate it. I had a guy grab me in the street in the middle of the night, with obvious intent, six months ago. I ran and I didn't call the police (I didn't think I'd recognise him, and God knows I don't trust the Met) and I was basically fine. I only told a couple of friends, and those only so I'd know I'd told someone instead of keeping it secret. But I am really not pleased to realise Middle Sister very likely wouldn't believe me if I told her.
And just... the other people I've known who've suffered this? Universally haven't told. My best friend was raped, and she stayed with him and kept talking about making him happy & better even when we were all begging her to dump him. She didn't tell me what he'd done for over a year, and then only in allusive comments. I made a gritted-teeth comment about it being 'his fault - I'd even say his crime' and went to wash dishes until I'd calmed down. She said 'oh' behind me, surprised, and I suspect that she hadn't realised until then it was rape. Even though she was an educated feminist, who'd called it what it was when a guy assaulted her the year before, kissing her against her will.
The guy who'd kissed her - let's call him Wanker - everyone on our campus knew about him. When I barely knew the lone Tory on our student union council, we got chatting about Wanker, a fellow Tory - and this boy spat that Wanker was a rapist. And lone-Tory was not the kind of bloke to say that jokingly or lightly. I fervently agreed. So did another boy sitting with us (I suspect he also knew what this Wanker had done to a mutual friend of ours). The lone Tory, on the other hand, he wasn't friends with any of the three women I knew Wanker had assaulted - but the way he said it, he knew for fucking sure.
No one reported this man to the police, to my knowledge. He's still free. Every single woman he assaulted, whether with a kiss when she was struggling or something more, had her own reasons not to tell the police. And Middle Sister - she's at uni now. It happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME at uni. Five women of my acquaintance - and another I heard about for very tragic reasons - were raped at university, two by two different men, and it's not like every single woman I know was close enough to confide that kind of thing to me.
It is terrifying to me, for Middle Sister and Youngest Sister and Middle Sister's friends, that she is so automatically disbelieving of someone coming forward after a few years against a powerful enemy. Thank God her boyfriend is a good person.
This was originally posted at http://www.dreamwidth.org/12345.html. Comment wherever you like :)