a ner...a nerrr a nernernernernernernernernerrrrrrrrrr
Wow....so who's a giant loser...I AM...
I'm actually cryinggggg XD
Over me writing...Who does that...crazy people...crazy people cry because they wrote something...
a fnerrrrrrrr.....like I I know I'm a frequent crier but this is just dumb...
I mean it's not even so much that I wrote as it is that I wrote and it's reminding me of when I wasn't all fucked up...I mean I'm not as fucked up as I was but I'm still pretty fucked up...but like...when I used to be able to listen to Coldplay without bursting into tears and I didn't have panic attacks when people talk about random shit...
Like I mean...it's funny to think that the last time I wrote and posted something the most upsetting thing that would happen is a detention or something.
Things I want back...the ability to be in a crowded room without not being able to breathe, to sleep all night without having nightmares constantly, to be able to hear the word r*pe or ab*se and not get triggered and have a flashback, to be able to walk places by myself without needing Joel with me or to drive me, to be able to say I'm okay, to be able to say I'm not afraid of him anymore, to be able to look in the mirror and see something good...
Things I could never give up...My daughter, my fiance, Danny, Luke, waking up in my own bed in my own house and not being worried I won't have it tomorrow, my Dean doggy, going to bed with Joel at night and waking up with him in the morning, having things that are mine that people can't just take, being sober no more drugs, love...
Either way it's hard...because it will be a while before I can write without thinking about everything...but I know I have to start again some time...and I think it should be now...I miss it so much it hurts...and I know I need to get it out...so I'll keep going...even if I do kinda suck a little bit right now -_-
I'm actually cryinggggg XD
Over me writing...Who does that...crazy people...crazy people cry because they wrote something...
a fnerrrrrrrr.....like I I know I'm a frequent crier but this is just dumb...
I mean it's not even so much that I wrote as it is that I wrote and it's reminding me of when I wasn't all fucked up...I mean I'm not as fucked up as I was but I'm still pretty fucked up...but like...when I used to be able to listen to Coldplay without bursting into tears and I didn't have panic attacks when people talk about random shit...
Like I mean...it's funny to think that the last time I wrote and posted something the most upsetting thing that would happen is a detention or something.
Things I want back...the ability to be in a crowded room without not being able to breathe, to sleep all night without having nightmares constantly, to be able to hear the word r*pe or ab*se and not get triggered and have a flashback, to be able to walk places by myself without needing Joel with me or to drive me, to be able to say I'm okay, to be able to say I'm not afraid of him anymore, to be able to look in the mirror and see something good...
Things I could never give up...My daughter, my fiance, Danny, Luke, waking up in my own bed in my own house and not being worried I won't have it tomorrow, my Dean doggy, going to bed with Joel at night and waking up with him in the morning, having things that are mine that people can't just take, being sober no more drugs, love...
Either way it's hard...because it will be a while before I can write without thinking about everything...but I know I have to start again some time...and I think it should be now...I miss it so much it hurts...and I know I need to get it out...so I'll keep going...even if I do kinda suck a little bit right now -_-