of zoloft and stupidity

[loki_moe]

I started seeing a campus psychologist. She sent me to one of the campus psychiatrists to talk about anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication. I was put on zoloft, but there were some side effects that I can't accept. My sleeping increased to about 11-13 hours a night, I frequently got minor headaches, and I lost the ability to have an orgasm (though I still had a sex drive. Talk about frustrating). While in the middle of this shit-show, I drank (which you're not supposed to do while on zoloft as every drink is multiplied by 2) and had sex with a guy who's had a crush on me for about two years. I like him, but I'm not even remotely physically attracted to him. There are even moments where he grosses me out. Now he's texting me like we're in a relationship. I dated him for a week a little over a year ago, just to give it a shot, but I ended it as soon as I realized that I was "settling" just so I could experience a relationship. I don't know what to do now. No, I do know what to do, I just hate to do it to him again.

My depression has been through the roof today. I can't stop crying and I've had intense suicidal thoughts. To the extent that I even made a plan. I likely won't go through with said plan. This isn't the first time I've made one and I haven't gone through with one before. I also self-harmed today. It's none of that "so the inside matches the outside" crap. It hurts. It pulls my attention to that one thing and holds it intensely. If I do enough, I get that weird euphoria that comes from being exposed to enough pain. Like a tattoo. I don't even regret the self-harm. I like that it hurt. I like that I can feel my shirt rubbing and catching on the slices.

What a fucking pointless creature