(no subject)
Home for spring break. Feeling down. I'm relaxed to be home, but I'm being largely idle which allows for a lot of time to think and brood. The constant detraction of college courses is gone for the week and all I can do is try to find things to do, and it's not working. I feel fidgety and irritated and really, really depressed. I should work on homework, but I can't bring myself to care at the moment. I want to play my piano but I had to leave it on campus and sadly, I can't play my clarinet right now because of the time (Mom says it's too late). It's unfortunate that I don't have more experience with my violin because I'd love to wail on that right now but I don't know how to play it. Maybe this summer I can get some lessons for it.
S and I are supposed to work out tonight, but I have to wait until 9, after she's gotten out of work and had some dinner. I can't run because of my ankle injury, but she has a stationary bike in her basement, so I'm going to use that while she runs on the treadmill.
Went to J's today to hang out and I realized I really don't care too much for him. He's a nice guy, but completely self-absorbed and literally talks/care about nothing other than video games. So I got to hear all about Skyrim for two hours before he finally let me play a little Halo with him (about 20 minutes worth). Then he proceeded to show me some videos on youtube which were completely insulting to women but "so funny!"
Right.
Tomorrow I go to the potentially new college for a tour and some transfer info. I really, really hope this new college works out. I'm supposed to meet up with F as well, who I haven't seen since Katsucon. I met him at a holiday party this past Christmas and saw him again at the con and we seemed to get along. I like him and hope that we can be friends. It'd be nice to know someone in the city (if I transfer, which is really, really likely) and he's a pretty cool guy.
I wish I didn't feel like this so often though. All I want to do right now is lay down and cry, or get drunk and jump into traffic. I hate this so much. I don't think I'll ever understand how people just...live. How do people not feel crushed by a perpetual sense of purposelessness? That everything you do is a waste of time? I wish like I felt useful or worth while.
Who am I kidding with this? Studying music and theatre? Am I an idiot? I've been playing the clarinet for 16 years and I barely pass as an intermediate. I can't maintain a decent sounding intonation and my brain glitches when things get too fast. And then theatre. I've barely done ANY theatre and even if I enjoy it and feel a sense of purpose when I'm doing it doesn't mean I can make a living off of it. It doesn't mean that I won't completely be wasting my time. I'm 25 years old now, and just starting. I'm overweight, covered in scars from being an obese teen, and getting fine lines and grey hair. Even when I loose the weight, I can't fathom that it'll be enough to fix how messed up my body is. I love acting, but I even love being in the crew and even then I can't even imagine being creative enough to be anything other than a helping hand in a black outfit.
Forget it. I'm just whining.