NOTES TO SELF
Anatomy of a Co-Dependant Relationship Nicole Williams
A codependent relationship is one in which neither party feels that they can function without the other. There are several factors and signs of a codependent relationship.
- The Background:
The majority of the time, codependency has already laid its foundation in childhood. This can happen if a child had a parent with an addiction such as alcohol or drugs. Also, there are other addictions called "clean addictions" such as work, food, religion, or gambling. An addiction is anything that one does in excess that disables or hinders you from functioning normally.
A parent's addiction can make the child feel neglected. Depending on the addiction and the severity, the child may also play a role in helping the parent when the parent is unable to function. The child may sacrifice his or her needs and may make excuses for the parent.
Other triggers of codependence can be a chronic illness in the family. If the focus is on someone other than the child do to an illness, it can cause the child to feel insignificant. This may also cause the child to feel he or she has to help the ill family member.
Divorce, mental illness, or abuse can also be triggers of codependency. These events can cause a child to feel unwanted, insignificant, neglected, emotionally or physically abandoned.
- The Taker:
The "taker" is one that is narcissistic and extremely self-centered. This type of individual will attempt to control getting love, attention, approval or sex by using aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviors such as anger, blame, violence, criticism, expressing irritation, righteousness, neediness, or the creating of emotional or even physical drama. The taker also has a fear that they will be controlled. This individual feels that others are responsible for the taker's emotional state and that it's someone else's job to make the taker happy. The taker feels no responsibility toward his or ner own actions or emotions.
- The Caretaker:
The caretaker will sacrifice their own wants and needs to take care of the wants and needs of others. The caretaker has a "savior" or "hero" complex in which they feel the need to rescue others. The caretaker also tries to gain control over getting attention or approval by sacrificing themselves. At times, they may make themselves out to be a martyr for attention. This individual may also attempt to change another individual. This forma of control is often justified as "helping" them to become a better person or helping them to overcome some flaws. Most times this is unsolicited "help". The caretaker feels that if they do right for someone, then the person they are helping will give them the approval and attention they need.
-. Taker/ Caretaker:
A codependent relationship can be made up of two takers, two caretakers or one taker and one caretaker. The taker and the caretaker can switch roles in different relationships or even in the same relationship given the set of circumstances.
- Cause and Effect:
When there are two people in a codependent relationship, neither the taker nor the caretaker takes care of themselves. This causes each person to feel angry, resentful, unappreciated, insignificant, inadequate, uninvolved, and misunderstood.
These feelings can turn into a vicious cycle. The taker will attempt to control the feelings with more demands, either directly or indirectly so they can feel more appreciated and wanted. The caretaker will attempt to try harder to accomplish more for the other person; hence, trying to control their own feelings of inadequacy. The caretaker feels that if they do more, they will get more appreciation from the other person. The more the person tries to gain acceptance and appreciation, the more the feelings of inadequacy, anger, and resentment build.
- Desperation and Neediness:
When in a codependent relationship, neither party seeks to get out of the relationship, though they may want to be out of the relationship. Each party feels as if they need and can't function without the other person. The two parties continue for a long time feeding off of each other and trying to control one another in the attempt to have their own needs met.
A codependent relationship is one in which neither party feels that they can function without the other. There are several factors and signs of a codependent relationship.
- The Background:
The majority of the time, codependency has already laid its foundation in childhood. This can happen if a child had a parent with an addiction such as alcohol or drugs. Also, there are other addictions called "clean addictions" such as work, food, religion, or gambling. An addiction is anything that one does in excess that disables or hinders you from functioning normally.
A parent's addiction can make the child feel neglected. Depending on the addiction and the severity, the child may also play a role in helping the parent when the parent is unable to function. The child may sacrifice his or her needs and may make excuses for the parent.
Other triggers of codependence can be a chronic illness in the family. If the focus is on someone other than the child do to an illness, it can cause the child to feel insignificant. This may also cause the child to feel he or she has to help the ill family member.
Divorce, mental illness, or abuse can also be triggers of codependency. These events can cause a child to feel unwanted, insignificant, neglected, emotionally or physically abandoned.
- The Taker:
The "taker" is one that is narcissistic and extremely self-centered. This type of individual will attempt to control getting love, attention, approval or sex by using aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviors such as anger, blame, violence, criticism, expressing irritation, righteousness, neediness, or the creating of emotional or even physical drama. The taker also has a fear that they will be controlled. This individual feels that others are responsible for the taker's emotional state and that it's someone else's job to make the taker happy. The taker feels no responsibility toward his or ner own actions or emotions.
- The Caretaker:
The caretaker will sacrifice their own wants and needs to take care of the wants and needs of others. The caretaker has a "savior" or "hero" complex in which they feel the need to rescue others. The caretaker also tries to gain control over getting attention or approval by sacrificing themselves. At times, they may make themselves out to be a martyr for attention. This individual may also attempt to change another individual. This forma of control is often justified as "helping" them to become a better person or helping them to overcome some flaws. Most times this is unsolicited "help". The caretaker feels that if they do right for someone, then the person they are helping will give them the approval and attention they need.
-. Taker/ Caretaker:
A codependent relationship can be made up of two takers, two caretakers or one taker and one caretaker. The taker and the caretaker can switch roles in different relationships or even in the same relationship given the set of circumstances.
- Cause and Effect:
When there are two people in a codependent relationship, neither the taker nor the caretaker takes care of themselves. This causes each person to feel angry, resentful, unappreciated, insignificant, inadequate, uninvolved, and misunderstood.
These feelings can turn into a vicious cycle. The taker will attempt to control the feelings with more demands, either directly or indirectly so they can feel more appreciated and wanted. The caretaker will attempt to try harder to accomplish more for the other person; hence, trying to control their own feelings of inadequacy. The caretaker feels that if they do more, they will get more appreciation from the other person. The more the person tries to gain acceptance and appreciation, the more the feelings of inadequacy, anger, and resentment build.
- Desperation and Neediness:
When in a codependent relationship, neither party seeks to get out of the relationship, though they may want to be out of the relationship. Each party feels as if they need and can't function without the other person. The two parties continue for a long time feeding off of each other and trying to control one another in the attempt to have their own needs met.