House Cleaning, Overlord Wretch style
BWAHAHAHA!
So, having siezed power I've decided to leave most of the former US government intact. They already do such a good job off keeping you all subjugated, it seems a shame to ruin it all now. There will, however, be a few changes at the top. First things first: as Dictator for life of the New American Demopublic, I need to get me a cabinet I can trust, or at least control. Here's my list of replacements, plus some new offices in the New Demopublican Junta:
Secretary of Agriculture (USDA) - Not really sure what to do about this, I mean its one of those vital but completly boring jobs. I tried to do some reserach on farmers using google, but the first thing that turned up was the "Farmer Sutra." Never again. Soooo... How about Ann M. Veneman? She did it for Bush, then resigned a couple months ago. She has a funny name. Works for me.
Secretary of Commerce (DoC) - This is probably important, but who cares. I think the National Weather Service is in this department, so I'll ask dad about someone to run it.
Secretary of Defense WAR dammit (DoW) - I'm thinking Davy Shea. Heck yes.
Secretary of Education (ED) - Oh this one is easy. Give it to a sizer. If they decide it's too much work I'll give it to some random Parker teacher. if nobody will take it I'll threaten to give it to Lee.
Secretary of Energythe damnpowercompany (DoDPC) - Thought about killing this one, but they run Argonne National Lab and my dad worked there. Plus there's these white deer... anyway, I think I'll let Dr. Vu run this one. Never heard of the frighteningly sane Dr. Vu? Well this'll be fun.
Secretary of Health and Human Services (DHS) - Human services. These guys run the slave labor camps for me. This is a tough job, because the slaves will be people like Rush Limbaugh and they'll have to whip em into shape without killing them. I think I'll appoint Mr. T.
Secretary of Homeland Security - Utter Crap. Not even a crappy government acronym. I'm getting rid of this department entirly, and handing its duties over to the Department of War. For intelligence I'm bringing in a bunch of ex-KGB men who know how to actually do it right. Not their fault Russia had terrible leadership.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) - Who cares. This is a stupid department. If the poor people want homes give them the ones that used to belong to the Congressfolk
Secretary of the Interior (DoI) - Smokey the Bear is taking over here, you sorry bastards. Yeah, you know who can prevent forest fires? Trick question! The New Demopublic LOVES forest fires. Burn baby. I like having vast tracts of wilderness to hide my death troopers in though, so protecting the environment is a priority.
Secretary of Justice (DoJ) - I'm appointing Judge Mathis to this one. Props to Maddox for the suggestion.
Secretary of Labor (DoL) - Again, nobody cares. Hell, Garfield is my Sec Labor.
Secretary of State - New Sec State is Ambassador Penguin. Don't question the penguin.
Secretary of TransportationCommuter Hell (DoCH) - I'm putting whoever planned the Big Dig in charge of this, for maximum pain and suffering.
Secretary of Treasury - I'm taking personal control of all national treasure, including the gold / dead space aliens stored in Fort Knox. No need for this redundant department. For money, see my accountant. His name is Tiny. He's 8 feet tall.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs (VA) Eliminating this wasteful mess. Veterans get whatever land they conquer for me, how's that sound?
Other Cabinet offices:
Vice President gone. Instead, Garth will be my second in command, as President and First Tiger
Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Administrator Everyone hates the EPA, both sides. Killing it is a favor. Besides, I have death squds hiding in them thar woods. Anybody who messes with my environment gets shot. End of problem.
Office of Management and Budget (OMB) Director - Gone. Tiny will handle this stuff
United States Trade Representative (formally titled "Ambassador") - Robin Williams. He'll make em laugh, and if that doesn't work he'll be distracting enough that we can do whatever the hell we want.
Chief of Staff - Leo McGarry (played by John Spencer) and not the loser Leo either. I'm talking the ass kicking Leo from seasons 1-4
Office of National Drug Control Policy DirectorDrug Tzar - Hunter S. Thompson
Also, I'll be creating a few new positions:
Special Secretary of Nocturnal Liquidation - Tai, nuff said
Secretary of Stupid People - This innocuous sounding title disguises the true nature of this job: finding stupid people and ending their stupidity, one way or another. Comes with free Cat o Nine Tails
Minister of Silly Walks - John Cleese
Department of people who hate you. Yes, YOU personally. Hate Hate Hate (DoH) - Maddox will run this one, I think.
Well that's all for now. If you have any questions, see Press Secretary Jon Stewart.
So, having siezed power I've decided to leave most of the former US government intact. They already do such a good job off keeping you all subjugated, it seems a shame to ruin it all now. There will, however, be a few changes at the top. First things first: as Dictator for life of the New American Demopublic, I need to get me a cabinet I can trust, or at least control. Here's my list of replacements, plus some new offices in the New Demopublican Junta:
Secretary of Agriculture (USDA) - Not really sure what to do about this, I mean its one of those vital but completly boring jobs. I tried to do some reserach on farmers using google, but the first thing that turned up was the "Farmer Sutra." Never again. Soooo... How about Ann M. Veneman? She did it for Bush, then resigned a couple months ago. She has a funny name. Works for me.
Secretary of Commerce (DoC) - This is probably important, but who cares. I think the National Weather Service is in this department, so I'll ask dad about someone to run it.
Secretary of Defense WAR dammit (DoW) - I'm thinking Davy Shea. Heck yes.
Secretary of Education (ED) - Oh this one is easy. Give it to a sizer. If they decide it's too much work I'll give it to some random Parker teacher. if nobody will take it I'll threaten to give it to Lee.
Secretary of Energythe damnpowercompany (DoDPC) - Thought about killing this one, but they run Argonne National Lab and my dad worked there. Plus there's these white deer... anyway, I think I'll let Dr. Vu run this one. Never heard of the frighteningly sane Dr. Vu? Well this'll be fun.
Secretary of Health and Human Services (DHS) - Human services. These guys run the slave labor camps for me. This is a tough job, because the slaves will be people like Rush Limbaugh and they'll have to whip em into shape without killing them. I think I'll appoint Mr. T.
Secretary of Homeland Security - Utter Crap. Not even a crappy government acronym. I'm getting rid of this department entirly, and handing its duties over to the Department of War. For intelligence I'm bringing in a bunch of ex-KGB men who know how to actually do it right. Not their fault Russia had terrible leadership.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) - Who cares. This is a stupid department. If the poor people want homes give them the ones that used to belong to the Congressfolk
Secretary of the Interior (DoI) - Smokey the Bear is taking over here, you sorry bastards. Yeah, you know who can prevent forest fires? Trick question! The New Demopublic LOVES forest fires. Burn baby. I like having vast tracts of wilderness to hide my death troopers in though, so protecting the environment is a priority.
Secretary of Justice (DoJ) - I'm appointing Judge Mathis to this one. Props to Maddox for the suggestion.
Secretary of Labor (DoL) - Again, nobody cares. Hell, Garfield is my Sec Labor.
Secretary of State - New Sec State is Ambassador Penguin. Don't question the penguin.
Secretary of TransportationCommuter Hell (DoCH) - I'm putting whoever planned the Big Dig in charge of this, for maximum pain and suffering.
Secretary of Treasury - I'm taking personal control of all national treasure, including the gold / dead space aliens stored in Fort Knox. No need for this redundant department. For money, see my accountant. His name is Tiny. He's 8 feet tall.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs (VA) Eliminating this wasteful mess. Veterans get whatever land they conquer for me, how's that sound?
Other Cabinet offices:
Vice President gone. Instead, Garth will be my second in command, as President and First Tiger
Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Administrator Everyone hates the EPA, both sides. Killing it is a favor. Besides, I have death squds hiding in them thar woods. Anybody who messes with my environment gets shot. End of problem.
Office of Management and Budget (OMB) Director - Gone. Tiny will handle this stuff
United States Trade Representative (formally titled "Ambassador") - Robin Williams. He'll make em laugh, and if that doesn't work he'll be distracting enough that we can do whatever the hell we want.
Chief of Staff - Leo McGarry (played by John Spencer) and not the loser Leo either. I'm talking the ass kicking Leo from seasons 1-4
Office of National Drug Control Policy DirectorDrug Tzar - Hunter S. Thompson
Also, I'll be creating a few new positions:
Special Secretary of Nocturnal Liquidation - Tai, nuff said
Secretary of Stupid People - This innocuous sounding title disguises the true nature of this job: finding stupid people and ending their stupidity, one way or another. Comes with free Cat o Nine Tails
Minister of Silly Walks - John Cleese
Department of people who hate you. Yes, YOU personally. Hate Hate Hate (DoH) - Maddox will run this one, I think.
Well that's all for now. If you have any questions, see Press Secretary Jon Stewart.