Jingle

[katje0711]

Here's a fun little Christmas fic I wrote tonight. Merry Christmas everyone!

Jingle

A Locke/Des fic
NC-17

Jingle! Jingle!

John shifted in his sleep. Opening his eyes, he furrowed his brow. Had he just heard bells? He strained to listen. Silence. Closing his eyes again, he drifted back to sleep.

Jingle! Jingle!

"Johnny! Wake up, Johnny! It's Christmas

Comments

[havenward]

This is adorable! I like how you tied in the flashback, it reminded me very much of the show. :)

On a more critique-y aspect, you've a very formal writing style. Which isn't bad, not at all, but for a story like this it almost feels like you're holding back and disconnects a little bit from the emotion of the moment.

Kudos :)

[katje0711]

Thanks! Glad you liked it. I have a longer fic with some FBs in it. I've been saying forever I'm going to edit and get it posted here. I really need to find the time and do that.

I don't mind critiques at all. Could you give me examples of how it's a formal style and what you suggest would make it less so?

[havenward]

It happens mostly in your narratives. Its subtle, and its not like there's anything wrong but let's see..

Reaching up, John caressed Desmond's cheek. He then leaned forward and kissed his lover, tasting the eggnog on his lips.First sentence is a-ok. In the second sentence, by saying "he then" instead of "then he" or just "he" (since the order of events flows pretty easily) it gives it a loftier, formal feeling. Also, by utilizing the word "lover" as often as you do (which isn't, I should say, enough to be repetative) it de-personalizes them from the reader a little bit. Using Desmond there instead isn't repetative (this is a lesson I had to learn myself - I'll never forgive whichever grammar teacher taught me that using anything twice in a row was bad...) in fact the reader is less likely to notice it and instead just absorb it. In fact, since its just the two of them, "he leaned forward and kissed him" is also perfectly fine

[katje0711]

I would have never thought to switch "he then" and "then he", but that does sound much better! I'm a bit of a stickler on not repeating stuff, but glad to know it's not such a big deal. It's really hard writing actions, especially when there are so many in a row. This is something I seem to struggle with a lot and make it flow well. So, any tips are more than welcome.

When you say the voice doesn't come out a lot, do you mean I need to put in more of Locke's thoughts and feelings?

Have you read any of the others, yet, or are you waiting to read them at home?

[havenward]

I haven't read the others yet, just juggling stuff at work :)

When I say voicing I mean making the narrative sound more like Locke saying it. I don't read enough Lost fanfiction to give you a good example in fandom. However, to give you some examples about differences in voicing, I've got a couple examples from kroki_refur's writing. Its in the Supernatural fandom, but the voicing is pretty clear.

Quia lux non est is pretty extreme in its voicing, but captures the main character's personality brilliantly and instantly. You don't need to know anything about the show or the character to feel him, if that makes any sense.

And for comparison, in how its different from another character, Cut My Thoughts For Coconuts is a good example. This one's also written in the first person, which means the voicing is vital because its actually the character speaking through the narrative. This story has a total outsider perspective, so you really don't need to know anything about the show at all to read the story.

Through the Eye of a Needle also

[katje0711]

Whoa, that's quite a few examples. LOL I'll have to look through those later. No need to apologize. I do appreciate it. The thing is, Locke isn't saying the narrative, because it's not in first person.

I thought maybe you were waiting on the other fics, because they are NC-17.

[havenward]

His voice being clear in the narrative doesn't require first person, its just that particular example happens to use it :)

[katje0711]

Oh, alright. Thanks for all the input!

[havenward]

Not a problem. I'll try to give you some critique-y feedback on the other stuff as well. NC17 stuff is harder, because tastes for that run sooo particulary...

[katje0711]

I look forward to hearing what you think, anyway.