George W. Bush - A Factionary
George W. Bush gets a lot of bad press, but how much do you really know about The President of the United States of America? These are facts taken from ‘the Bush who Could: A Fun Filofax on the Big G.W.!’, available in no good bookshops.
+ G.W. won the 1994 Glass-Eating Olympics after consuming 64 semi-precious vases and (in a sudden death scenario) a mirror. He won after his opponent’s mysterious, sudden death.
+ When G.W. found Saddam Hussein, he ordered that all the spare change in Hussein’s wallet be given to a charity that trains guide dogs for the blind. He used the notes to buy a slap-up meal for a homeless orphan.
+ In bed, he doesn’t like to be called ‘George’ or even ‘Mr. President’; G.W. likes Laura to refer to him as ‘The Liberty Pope’. Whew! That’s hot!
+ G. W. did not choke on a pretzel, as was reported in tabloids. Whilst eating a pretzel, he was watching that episode of Friends where Monica and Chandler argue, and he subsequently became choked with emotion.
+ As a child, G.W. was so taken with the story of Jesus’ death that he had it re-enacted at his 6th birthday party. The part of Jesus was played by convicted criminal José Sanguel. Whether he rose from the dead after three days or not is uncertain, as that was the day that G.W. had a second party at MacDonald’s, so they were unable to observe it.
+ G.W. has a watch given to him by Arnold Schwarzenegger, which bears the words ‘no time like the present.’ At Arnold’s request, the words are in a speech bubble coming from one of his Terminator-era publicity shots.
+ G.W. has a problem with going through socks - often getting through more than eighty-thousand pairs a month. When asked about it, he said, “they all seem to go at the heel. I guess it’s from pacing the halls of Freedom!”
+ When playing golf, G.W. does not call ‘fore!’ - he calls ‘heads up, America!’
+ In the popular children’s cartoon ‘Arthur’, the ‘W’ in the name of Arthur’s little sister ‘DW’ is actually a tribute to G.W., as he was originally slated to be the voice of Arthur. Unfortunately for the show, instead of becoming a voice actor, he became the President of the U.S.A., but they still remembered him with this tip-of-the-hat.
+ G.W. wears a medallion under his suit, upon which is engraved ‘who’s the daddy?’
+ G.W. is not double- but triple-jointed in his thumbs, meaning that he is able to bend them around so far that they appear to come out of his elbows. It is unknown whether this helps to break the ice at peace summits.
+ G.W. is allergic to Bonsai trees, a fact which almost killed him. On his 45th birthday his neighbour’s daughter gave him a Bonsai tree, causing his nose to swell to near-fatal proportions. Upon detention and questioning in Guanatamo Bay, the 7 year old admitted that she was the willing pawn in an Arab plot to kill G.W., and has since been deported.
+ G.W.’s favourite dance is the Funky Gibbon, closely followed by the Charleston.
+ G.W. was once accidentally booked for a stag party in Sheffield after confusion with the stripper ‘Georgie Bush’. Once he had put his clothes back on, G.W. bought everyone a drink and regaled the group with stories of his potholing holiday with Tony Blair. The groom-to-be said “he were a reet laugh, him.”
+ One of G.W.’s lesser-known talents is the ability to sneeze at a sound level of 90 decibels. That’s as loud as 48 fully-grown cats mewling simultaneously.
+ G.W. used to eat Lucky Charms for breakfast, but coincidentally broke with routine on the morning of the day that Saddam Hussein was discovered and had toast. He now eats it every morning for luck, and calls it ‘Victory Bread’.
+ G.W. has expressed a wish to be cremated rather than buried, but has also asked for his right hand to be preserved in formaldehyde so that he can ‘give America the thumbs-up from beyond.’
+ While his Texan upbringing is well-documented, lesser known is the relationship he had with his first bullock, Hamsy (short for ‘Hamburger’). Inspired by comic stories, G.W. and Hamsy often went on crime-solving adventures. The high point of this period of his life occurred when he solved ‘the Mystery of the Missing Waffle’. The culprit was discovered to be one of G.W.’s other childhood friends, Hot the dog.
+ In contrast to many of his countrymen, G.W. keeps a slim figure. He attributes this to having only 7’000 tastebuds remaining - as opposed to the usual 10’000 - after drinking some cocoa without allowing it time to cool.
+ G.W. used to play stand-up bass in a country music band called ‘The Glass Roots’. The group disbanded when members of the CIA shot eight members of an audience, who were applauding ‘in a suspicious manner’. He still occasionally contributes to studio albums under the moniker ‘Bushy G’.
I hope this excerpt helps you to understand the ‘Leader of the Free World’ a little better.
+ G.W. won the 1994 Glass-Eating Olympics after consuming 64 semi-precious vases and (in a sudden death scenario) a mirror. He won after his opponent’s mysterious, sudden death.
+ When G.W. found Saddam Hussein, he ordered that all the spare change in Hussein’s wallet be given to a charity that trains guide dogs for the blind. He used the notes to buy a slap-up meal for a homeless orphan.
+ In bed, he doesn’t like to be called ‘George’ or even ‘Mr. President’; G.W. likes Laura to refer to him as ‘The Liberty Pope’. Whew! That’s hot!
+ G. W. did not choke on a pretzel, as was reported in tabloids. Whilst eating a pretzel, he was watching that episode of Friends where Monica and Chandler argue, and he subsequently became choked with emotion.
+ As a child, G.W. was so taken with the story of Jesus’ death that he had it re-enacted at his 6th birthday party. The part of Jesus was played by convicted criminal José Sanguel. Whether he rose from the dead after three days or not is uncertain, as that was the day that G.W. had a second party at MacDonald’s, so they were unable to observe it.
+ G.W. has a watch given to him by Arnold Schwarzenegger, which bears the words ‘no time like the present.’ At Arnold’s request, the words are in a speech bubble coming from one of his Terminator-era publicity shots.
+ G.W. has a problem with going through socks - often getting through more than eighty-thousand pairs a month. When asked about it, he said, “they all seem to go at the heel. I guess it’s from pacing the halls of Freedom!”
+ When playing golf, G.W. does not call ‘fore!’ - he calls ‘heads up, America!’
+ In the popular children’s cartoon ‘Arthur’, the ‘W’ in the name of Arthur’s little sister ‘DW’ is actually a tribute to G.W., as he was originally slated to be the voice of Arthur. Unfortunately for the show, instead of becoming a voice actor, he became the President of the U.S.A., but they still remembered him with this tip-of-the-hat.
+ G.W. wears a medallion under his suit, upon which is engraved ‘who’s the daddy?’
+ G.W. is not double- but triple-jointed in his thumbs, meaning that he is able to bend them around so far that they appear to come out of his elbows. It is unknown whether this helps to break the ice at peace summits.
+ G.W. is allergic to Bonsai trees, a fact which almost killed him. On his 45th birthday his neighbour’s daughter gave him a Bonsai tree, causing his nose to swell to near-fatal proportions. Upon detention and questioning in Guanatamo Bay, the 7 year old admitted that she was the willing pawn in an Arab plot to kill G.W., and has since been deported.
+ G.W.’s favourite dance is the Funky Gibbon, closely followed by the Charleston.
+ G.W. was once accidentally booked for a stag party in Sheffield after confusion with the stripper ‘Georgie Bush’. Once he had put his clothes back on, G.W. bought everyone a drink and regaled the group with stories of his potholing holiday with Tony Blair. The groom-to-be said “he were a reet laugh, him.”
+ One of G.W.’s lesser-known talents is the ability to sneeze at a sound level of 90 decibels. That’s as loud as 48 fully-grown cats mewling simultaneously.
+ G.W. used to eat Lucky Charms for breakfast, but coincidentally broke with routine on the morning of the day that Saddam Hussein was discovered and had toast. He now eats it every morning for luck, and calls it ‘Victory Bread’.
+ G.W. has expressed a wish to be cremated rather than buried, but has also asked for his right hand to be preserved in formaldehyde so that he can ‘give America the thumbs-up from beyond.’
+ While his Texan upbringing is well-documented, lesser known is the relationship he had with his first bullock, Hamsy (short for ‘Hamburger’). Inspired by comic stories, G.W. and Hamsy often went on crime-solving adventures. The high point of this period of his life occurred when he solved ‘the Mystery of the Missing Waffle’. The culprit was discovered to be one of G.W.’s other childhood friends, Hot the dog.
+ In contrast to many of his countrymen, G.W. keeps a slim figure. He attributes this to having only 7’000 tastebuds remaining - as opposed to the usual 10’000 - after drinking some cocoa without allowing it time to cool.
+ G.W. used to play stand-up bass in a country music band called ‘The Glass Roots’. The group disbanded when members of the CIA shot eight members of an audience, who were applauding ‘in a suspicious manner’. He still occasionally contributes to studio albums under the moniker ‘Bushy G’.
I hope this excerpt helps you to understand the ‘Leader of the Free World’ a little better.