we need food not art food not art

[loadedword]

this afternoon reminded me why i am the way i am, why i hate everything about the lives of men and will continue to hate the life of man for the rest of mine and why i am going to leave it and do my best at leading a life of true fulfillment instead of grabbing some shit out of the toilet they've given me and calling it an honest existence. discussing planned obsolescence and also the "point" of man, and the appreciation of nature, it just doesn't matter. nature isn't there to be appreciated. it's just there and it is wonderful and should certainly be appreciated, but it is not seeking approval from us snotty humans. the sky will be breathtaking whether or not we choose to look at it and recognize its value. i said utopia means no place, and the idea of a perfect world where we could live coopertively and unselfishly will never exist. it can't. it would be ideal to have this social miracle take place, but everyone is too obsessed with material objects and monetary wealth instead of seeking a divine life in which each day is a fucking gift that you truly cherish. dave said "then nothing would get done" and i almost started to cry. nothing is supposed to GET DONE. its all just stuff we have created and tacked significance to. all the things that get done in cities are unimportant to the wilderness. the trees could care less about the condition of the highways and the air we breathe has nothing to do with the matters of politics, yet all of mans atrocities that are not in the least bit self suficient, that need constant repair otherwise they do not work, are respected like some kind of god. children of cities don't give a shit about playing in dirt and understanding that it is where their roots were formed. they see buildings and streets and garbage. how can we expect goodness to bloom from filth? we were walking in front of hackett middle school and a bunch of different groups were wandering near us. this one black boy looked at me and said that i looked like kelly osborne. fabulous. so i looked at him right in the eyes and said "that really sucks!" and then one of his friends told us to get the fuck out of there. awesome. i'm a white girl with short brown hair. my face is not as round or scary as kelly osbornes, but it just proved to me how little kids are taught to view the world. i could have looked at him and been like, ok, since you are a small black boy you look like lil bow wow, but he would have probably shot me or something. the next group walked by us and looked at chris and said "YO JAH" and the other ones all said hi in very obnoxious tones and so i looked at one and smiled and said HIIIII and then they all started swearing at us. i wanted to tell them to all be sure to live very content lives full of good things and happy moments. what the fuck. the next people on the street were two black adults. i thought it would be ok after we passed the school, but no. just as i walked by the man who was basically blocking the small bit of sidewalk without snow on it he burps right in our faces. i fucking smelled his burp. and the other man laughed. and then he said sorry and started laughing. i almost started to cry again and screamed I LOVE ALBANY and wanted to come home and lock myself in a box until hawaii. i just dont know anymore about anything. theres such little good in the world. all of the people i can talk to about this that understand what i mean are always far away from me. i have no friends that live here aside from chris, and even though he gets it, it just gets frustrating because we know what the deal is and theres no point in talking about it because we cant change anything but ourselves and we just have to wait for that to take place. but seriously i just want to live in the woods and i want everything else to explode and be able to start over. i want the trees to send their roots into subway tunnels and sewage lines growing stronger because of our stagnant waste and i want ivy to eat up every building and all the animals to take over the streets. i just want people to get it. not just get it, but act upon what they understand. do something about all of the bullshit instead of eating shit everyday and being ok with that. there is an important question we all answer everyday: should we kill ourselves or not? it doesn't matter though because we are all dying so we should try to live as best we can. dave said you can find soul anywhere. even in cities. i said we create soul where we choose to find it, and i think we are so painfully misinformed about the form of soul that we are sold too quickly on style. the appearance of good is deceiving. so you're vegan and you love animals and you take photos of nature, but what about the car you drive or the buses you take that poison rivers and kills animals? i'm not saying i'm not guilty. we all are. in this life you have to be guilty. what i'm saying is something should be done about it otherwise life is going to keep getting suckier and suckier until humans are extinct because we've modernized ourselves to death. this would be great, but it would be even greater to fix it all. to understand what needs to be done to make life better and to actually put a plan into action. not just keep busying ourselves with politics and wars and fashion and money and all the bullshit fame and fortune that really doesnt matter since you cant take it with you when you die and it doesnt really even bring fulfillment except for in a superficial way while you are alive. its all garbage to be placed in a dumpster and brought to some landfill mountain that is destroying the ecosystem of an area. its not funny. its so depressing and makes the answer to the question of whether one should kill themselves or not very simple. and that itself is sad. life shouldnt be a war against yourself. or anyone else. we cant do what we want anymore. i am disappointed by the convenience of men and how we are constantly trying to swindle ourselves. sell something. sell ourselves. whore ourselves out to corporations for nothing. what we get in exchange for our being does not provide just compensation. and we are miserable anyway. we hate that we are being taken advantage of but it's by our own kind. we do it to ourselves. i do too. i want to scream because of how much these words dont even matter. not to me. not to you or anyone else. its all a great waste of effort and lives. it's a dreary beginning middle and end. it wastes time. time is where we reside and thats not even good enough. it's the continuum that gets us. its the mystery of life that makes it good but we destroyed the mystery. we traded it for gold that outlasts us. i dont know when truth stopped, but it needs to reinvent itself very badly.

wheres your holiday spirit dude?
why dont you want to buy stuff?
i already see your gravestones in flowered pastures
and they are crumbling and nobody is weeping near them.
nobody except you.