Writing: Dialogue (addendum)

[loaded_march]

In the last 48 hours, I have:

• Shaken off the remnants of a head cold that hit on the heels of an allergic reaction
• Had a meltdown and threatened to push the DELETE key over everything that I'd managed to write for the BB thus far (but one beta and a cheerleader who doesn't realize she's been co-opted as a cheerleader talked me off the ledge)
• Gotten

Comments

[bookscrazygirl]

Glad to hear you're feeling better. Lol, glad to see I'm not the only one who doesn't follow the rules. I admit, I don't have a good relationship with dialogue tags. We have agreed to ignore each other unless necessary. Here's an example:

"So, he's not going to try to kill me?"

Despite his calm question, the young trainer was almost bouncing across the room in his excitement, showing no indication of nerves at what he believes could be his impending death.

"No kid, he doesn't kill, and he wouldn't be aiming at you in any case."

Crystal allowed her bemusement to lace the words as she watched her guest vibrate as he prepared for the battle ahead, nevermind he was implying one of her best friends would enter a battle with malice aforethought!

Poke at it all you want ^_^ Like I said before, if you're going to allow people to pick your brain for impromptu edits, I'm going to take full advantage!

[loaded_march]

My brain is ripe for the picking, but I don't think your snippet needs much poking.

The only thing I would suggest is not breaking up the dialogue and the connecting description, but also tighten up the description a bit more. For example, if the trainer (do you mean trainee?) speaks calmly, but is still bouncing, that *IS* an indication of nerves. And if Crystal is amused by his question, wouldn't she also be somewhat annoyed that he's implying her best friend would be malicious?

Not knowing what's behind the story, those are just the things I'd consider for dialogue. If I am right about my interpretation, I'd tweak the descriptions ever so slightly, but I'd keep the dialogue the same.

"So, he's not going to try to kill me?" The young trainee's nerves had him bouncing across the room, though Crystal couldn't fathom why. Everyone knew that her best friend wouldn't harm a fly. Still, she couldn't help but be a little annoyed.

"No, kid, he doesn't kill, and he wouldn't be aiming at you in any case."OR, if I were to change

[bookscrazygirl]

Lol, yeah, thanks! This helps a lot (and yes, it is trainer) ^_^

I was trying to show that he was not nervous about the battle but excited, and that the question was just asked as a clarification, not because of any fear of death. I think I didn't get that point through tho... Well, back to the editing board.

[loaded_march]

Oh, in that case, yes, a trainer would be... well. Hm.

How about this:

"Just so we're clear here, he's not going to accidentally slip and kill me?"

Despite his calm question, the young trainer was almost bouncing across the room with excitement. Getting a chance to test his skills against Crystal's best friend was probably the highlight of his entire life, even if it came at the possibility that the match might also involve his untimely death.

Crystal smirked in amusement. As preposterous as the idea was that her friend would "slip" and kill someone, she couldn't help herself. She turned to the trainer with every intention of winding him up a bit more.

"Nah. If he kills you, it'll be totally on purpose."

[bookscrazygirl]

Yup ^_^, just need to tweak it a bit for the plot but this is why I wanted to pick your brain. Now I can polish up my dialogue writing for the rest of the story too ^_^

Thanks!