For Serious...
So, 2014 is off to kind of a rocky start already. I am happy to say everything with my little chunk is good, so no worries there. He is growing like a weed! However, since Christmas, my Nana seems to have had a weird chest cold. Well in the past week, it had gotten increasingly bad, to the point where she couldn't walk and she was way worse. My mom took her to the hospital after a log argument and she was admitted. They X-rays they took showed a mass and fluid in her lung. After further prodding, they discovered she has cancer. In the past couple years, she had broken her back a couple times lifting my Papa, the one who passed away in October. As it turns out, the cancer is deemed terminal and her bones are brittle because the cancer had settled in her bones. Suckiest news ever.
I feel awful because I was reassuring her the cold would subside, especially since she saw her doctor. Then when they found the mass in her lung, I reassured her and my mom to think positive and it was probably just a fatty mass. Then it turned out that the mass was actually wrapped around her lung making almost impossible to for the lung to expand. Then of course, in trying to be positive I was like, "everything is fine, the cancer is only in one spot on her lung. That's a good thing!" When in actuality it had moved into her bones rather than tumor up and spread in other ways... I know it's ridiculous, I didn't do anything wrong and was just trying to be optimistic, but it sucks to be wrong that times in a row. Especially about things that are dire and crappy.
It's times like these I can't understand why people could put blind faith in God. I've never been one of those people able to do that completely. My grandmother deserves time to be happy and now she can't even have that. Just as she is trying to rebound and pick herself from the loss of my grandfather she is knocked so far down I doubt she'll be able to get back up. She was looking forward to going to Florida and finding some peace there, now I highly doubt that will happen. On top of that, she was just beginning to find her happy. She had just told me a week ago that she was so happy to be able to see my baby and she would be hanging around at least until he was walking. It would seem by the way she has declined recently and by what the doctors are saying, she doesn't have more than a few months. There really isn't any treatment and even if there was, she would decline it.
I just don't understand how any of that is even remotely fair. Nana has dedicated the past 3 years to being sole care taker to my Papa. When he died, she lost everything. She loved him so much, but the way he was slowly ripped apart by strokes and declining health, I saw it as a blessing. It took nearly 3 months for her to start coming around to herself again and then everything she worked for is taken away and she loses all the freedom she had again. I just hope that my shit-touch goes away... Hopefully I don't curse my first-born as well. I can't really wrap my head around this all yet... I was okay with it and doing well until yesterday in the car as I was driving home from seeing with Elliott. Time alone can really mess with you.
Simply beautiful.
Hanging out with my chunk on Christmas 2013.
Ho-Ho-Ho.
I am just sad. It's going to be so hard on her and I am not ready to say goodbye... On top of that, I just had to say to goodbye to my Papa.
Edit: So my mom called me later to tell me that Nana had made her a bawling mess because that night I originally wrote this. Nana was upset because she would not see my brothers get married or Elliott grow up... The proceeded to "ask something she never thought she would need to...", she needed my mom to check her pants because she was pretty sure she pooped herself. That's what I will miss most. Her weird, non-filtered thoughts. She has always been that way and I love that about her. On another side note, I visited her yesterday, (1/30/14), at the Rehab facility she is staying at, (hoping that she will be able to sit up again), and I decided that all I need is one more visit, a good one, and she needs to visit Elliott again. I need her to hold him and cuddle him and I am good. I know she is miserble and she even says every night she prays she will die... It breaks my heart and I realized how selfish it is to want her to stay with us for way longer when she is unhappy and uncomfortable. I just need at least one more time where I can have her all to myself and enjoy our time. I love her. That is all.