Notes to Self
Midnight musings, cut so as not to spam....whosoever is on my friend-list:
1. Update LiveJournal more often. Using and enjoying the comms is one thing, but there's little point in having the public version of a diary without making some use of it. At the very least it would be one way of getting my thoughts out on paper without the necessity of worrying what people in real life would think. And by 'real life' I mean specifically the reactions of family members (mother and sister, primarily), and acquaintances and friends whose opinions I care about. That is not to say that I'm insensitive to the fact that the publicity of this journal goes out to real people, just that I am infinitely better at expressing myself, my personality when I am away from the strongest of the perceived influences in my life.
2. Go. Back. To . Counselling. Why? Because if it's good for anything, it's that the counsellors put up a damn good show of not being judgemental (I merely add it in subconsciously, like the time I accidentally shouted at the first woman for simply *looking* like she thought I'd said something out of line) Also, my infrequent and half-arsed attempts at communicating with my mother are doing more harm than good, simply because right now I can't be bloody bothered. Which only continues the vicious circle that is the 'relationship' between myself and my mum.
3. Use counselling to be honest. Explain just what I think of myself and why I think that. Namely, that my sister has a point when she says I make "myself the victim", but that is more to do with the fact that I am immature, self-centred, and obstinately capable of blocking out anything and anyone I don't wish to confront. Saying so to either her or our mother would provoke cries of 'melodrama'. And maybe it is. But the most aggravating, mind-twisting thing is when it comes to whether I'm honest about myself, or merely glossing over the truth with a lot of words or theorising, I can no longer tell the difference. What kind of fucked-up existential angst am I stuck in that means I can't figure out whether or not what I think is a 'honest truth' about myself is that? How far am I really kidding myself? Am I making this all up to cover....said truth currently indistinguishable from lie.
4. Figure out what I can really do after university. Swallow my pride and get whatever job will employ a twenty-two year-old (supposedly) English BA with no significant previous work experience. Especially one who considers herself to be socially inept and incapable of dealing with people to the point of misanthropy. All right, so 'misanthropic' is a grossly inaccurate exaggeration. Let's just say I don't like people, or having to deal with a situation with other people. I've never pushed myself to get over this problem, and have sure as hell picked a bad age to try. As my mother says all-too often to me; "You have to deal with the world some day". Funnily, that's the only one of her attitudes on life that I actually agree with. Just because I admire her....persistence in other areas definitely doesn't mean I agree with her outlook.
5. For the love of all things vaguely considered sacred do not start off by working in an office. Remember what happened last time? The crushing pressure, the mind-numbing feeling of inadequacy and general incompetence? Yep. Don't go there.
6. Don't consign a desire to travel and get the hell away from country/family to complete fantasy. I have money to use if I need it. It....just won't be in the way my mother thinks I might use it (and no, I am not about to fly off some-place labouring under the delusion that I can 'escape'). Maybe forming a plan to complete one of my greatest dreams would actually do me some good. No, I know it would do me a lot of good. I just hope I haven't left it too late.
7. Find out some....method of not becoming so easily self-conscious. Esp. in relation to own age-group. Contrary to own depressive thinking, I am not 'behind' people my age. I just 'think' I am. Just because my impression of my peers involves them having experienced relationships/work/alcohol/sex/various 'young person' things when they were teenagers doesn't mean all of them have. I'll agree I'm not the norm in having little to no experience of the above, but.....I must get out of this subconscious supposition that I am that much of an anomaly.
That'll do before I go around in circles. Or start screaming. Whichever would come first.
1. Update LiveJournal more often. Using and enjoying the comms is one thing, but there's little point in having the public version of a diary without making some use of it. At the very least it would be one way of getting my thoughts out on paper without the necessity of worrying what people in real life would think. And by 'real life' I mean specifically the reactions of family members (mother and sister, primarily), and acquaintances and friends whose opinions I care about. That is not to say that I'm insensitive to the fact that the publicity of this journal goes out to real people, just that I am infinitely better at expressing myself, my personality when I am away from the strongest of the perceived influences in my life.
2. Go. Back. To . Counselling. Why? Because if it's good for anything, it's that the counsellors put up a damn good show of not being judgemental (I merely add it in subconsciously, like the time I accidentally shouted at the first woman for simply *looking* like she thought I'd said something out of line) Also, my infrequent and half-arsed attempts at communicating with my mother are doing more harm than good, simply because right now I can't be bloody bothered. Which only continues the vicious circle that is the 'relationship' between myself and my mum.
3. Use counselling to be honest. Explain just what I think of myself and why I think that. Namely, that my sister has a point when she says I make "myself the victim", but that is more to do with the fact that I am immature, self-centred, and obstinately capable of blocking out anything and anyone I don't wish to confront. Saying so to either her or our mother would provoke cries of 'melodrama'. And maybe it is. But the most aggravating, mind-twisting thing is when it comes to whether I'm honest about myself, or merely glossing over the truth with a lot of words or theorising, I can no longer tell the difference. What kind of fucked-up existential angst am I stuck in that means I can't figure out whether or not what I think is a 'honest truth' about myself is that? How far am I really kidding myself? Am I making this all up to cover....said truth currently indistinguishable from lie.
4. Figure out what I can really do after university. Swallow my pride and get whatever job will employ a twenty-two year-old (supposedly) English BA with no significant previous work experience. Especially one who considers herself to be socially inept and incapable of dealing with people to the point of misanthropy. All right, so 'misanthropic' is a grossly inaccurate exaggeration. Let's just say I don't like people, or having to deal with a situation with other people. I've never pushed myself to get over this problem, and have sure as hell picked a bad age to try. As my mother says all-too often to me; "You have to deal with the world some day". Funnily, that's the only one of her attitudes on life that I actually agree with. Just because I admire her....persistence in other areas definitely doesn't mean I agree with her outlook.
5. For the love of all things vaguely considered sacred do not start off by working in an office. Remember what happened last time? The crushing pressure, the mind-numbing feeling of inadequacy and general incompetence? Yep. Don't go there.
6. Don't consign a desire to travel and get the hell away from country/family to complete fantasy. I have money to use if I need it. It....just won't be in the way my mother thinks I might use it (and no, I am not about to fly off some-place labouring under the delusion that I can 'escape'). Maybe forming a plan to complete one of my greatest dreams would actually do me some good. No, I know it would do me a lot of good. I just hope I haven't left it too late.
7. Find out some....method of not becoming so easily self-conscious. Esp. in relation to own age-group. Contrary to own depressive thinking, I am not 'behind' people my age. I just 'think' I am. Just because my impression of my peers involves them having experienced relationships/work/alcohol/sex/various 'young person' things when they were teenagers doesn't mean all of them have. I'll agree I'm not the norm in having little to no experience of the above, but.....I must get out of this subconscious supposition that I am that much of an anomaly.
That'll do before I go around in circles. Or start screaming. Whichever would come first.