Which nobody else would touch with a ten-foot pole, because of all the bad karma involved.
I think this will be my last post here. I haven't written in a while, and that's a good thing. But I am very angry right now, and I don't really want to "talk" about it.
I'm angry because he was here for a whole 5 days with nothing to do, and yet we were never able to have a real conversation. Angry because I had to sit and listen to him say "I'm sorry I hurt you" when I don't believe it's true. I'm angry at him for what happened after that, and at myself. I'm angry that it's only within this past year, once I was out of his life, that he tried to get help and get better and smile (I won't delude myself into being flattered about that).
He said that he missed me, and I believe it, but I don't think he will miss me any longer because of this hostility I presented. I'm angry at his self-pity. "There are reasons for my bad attitude." And that's fine; no one will deny the shitty things that happened in your life, but don't fucking use that to justify a sense of entitlement. You have so much more than so many people, in all regards. (back from 2nd person again) Furthermore, it just tempts me to say, Yeah, well there's a reason for my bad attitude also. It's you. I'm angry because I remember how long I favored him over emotional health and functional relationships. And because I worry that I may have regressed slightly from all the progress I've made over the past year.
So goddamn preachy and condescending. Self-involved. Selfish. And I don't need him in my life. Can't have him. Can't be infected by that negativity.
Which is why it seemed fitting to part by saying "..because I don't forgive you."
(I really wanted to conclude my last post in that punchy way, but I also want to note to myself that "Above the Waves" JUST came on in the random song selection as I was ending. The song that saved me as I sat alone at a harbor for 8 hours, watching pigeons, drinking by 10am, and thinking about death.)
dream of glass and windowsils
sea of alcohol and pills
and I wonder if you can save my life
Fin.
I'm angry because he was here for a whole 5 days with nothing to do, and yet we were never able to have a real conversation. Angry because I had to sit and listen to him say "I'm sorry I hurt you" when I don't believe it's true. I'm angry at him for what happened after that, and at myself. I'm angry that it's only within this past year, once I was out of his life, that he tried to get help and get better and smile (I won't delude myself into being flattered about that).
He said that he missed me, and I believe it, but I don't think he will miss me any longer because of this hostility I presented. I'm angry at his self-pity. "There are reasons for my bad attitude." And that's fine; no one will deny the shitty things that happened in your life, but don't fucking use that to justify a sense of entitlement. You have so much more than so many people, in all regards. (back from 2nd person again) Furthermore, it just tempts me to say, Yeah, well there's a reason for my bad attitude also. It's you. I'm angry because I remember how long I favored him over emotional health and functional relationships. And because I worry that I may have regressed slightly from all the progress I've made over the past year.
So goddamn preachy and condescending. Self-involved. Selfish. And I don't need him in my life. Can't have him. Can't be infected by that negativity.
Which is why it seemed fitting to part by saying "..because I don't forgive you."
(I really wanted to conclude my last post in that punchy way, but I also want to note to myself that "Above the Waves" JUST came on in the random song selection as I was ending. The song that saved me as I sat alone at a harbor for 8 hours, watching pigeons, drinking by 10am, and thinking about death.)
dream of glass and windowsils
sea of alcohol and pills
and I wonder if you can save my life
Fin.