The First Day of the Rest of My Life
TABBY: The entirety of this post is in a letter to you which I'm mailing this weekend. So, don't read this. Can I send it to the same address as before? I know you're moving soon. Let me know.
I have a job. It's at - wait for it, wait for it - Sbarro. I sell mall pizza. My job is to pick slices of pizza up on a spatula, put them in an oven, wait, take them out of the oven, and put them in a cardboard box. For this, I am getting paid more than I was at Border's to do, like, ten times more. Yes, this is mortifying. But I'm not too proud to take a shitty food service job, especially since I'm quitting in two months TO GO TO SPAIN. Ryden and I bought the tickets on Monday night. My parents will probably freak out at the possibility of me getting swine flu. Eh.
At least they won't freak out about me being unemployed. For some reason, I had to go in for two separate interviews to get this job, even though, as one of my bosses put it, "it's not rocket science." The first interview was decidedly the most ridiculous. Derek is fond of cute acronyms, like TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More. Also, this: One of the first questions he asked me during my interview was, "In the equation '2 + 2 = 4,' what element are you?" After thinking it over, I finally said I was the "=" sign, adding some bullshit about how I bring the team together because, like, I'm awesome. But wait. Derek said, "The answer I was really looking for was '4,' because the 4 is the team." The thing is, that I thought about saying I was the "4," but then I said to myself, self, that is a really conceited thing to say - hey boss, you can fire all these SUCKAS, I AM the team! - and also makes no sense. How can one person be, like, 12 people. BUT I DIGRESS.
Before I left, Derek told me that I should be less guarded in job interviews: "I don't run a rigid shop here. We're all family. Whatever you can do in front of your family, you can do in front of me."
I wanted to give that its own paragraph, because it might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It begs the question: So, I could just go up and grab some of this pizza, right? Because it's free? Because this is a family, right? And we share? So if I don't show up to work for a week, I still have a job? Is that cool? All right, sweet. And then I wanted to rip the world's hugest fart, just to see what he would do.
Anyway, I have a job. It will probably suck, but whatever. Tonight, Ryden and I are going back to the Deuce so he can meet my parents. This could also suck, but I hope it won't. Actually, I got a really shocking email from my mom last night, in which she asked, "I assume Ryden is staying with us Saturday night. What were you thinking as far as sleeping arrangements?" This is not a question I ever expected to hear.
I have a job. It's at - wait for it, wait for it - Sbarro. I sell mall pizza. My job is to pick slices of pizza up on a spatula, put them in an oven, wait, take them out of the oven, and put them in a cardboard box. For this, I am getting paid more than I was at Border's to do, like, ten times more. Yes, this is mortifying. But I'm not too proud to take a shitty food service job, especially since I'm quitting in two months TO GO TO SPAIN. Ryden and I bought the tickets on Monday night. My parents will probably freak out at the possibility of me getting swine flu. Eh.
At least they won't freak out about me being unemployed. For some reason, I had to go in for two separate interviews to get this job, even though, as one of my bosses put it, "it's not rocket science." The first interview was decidedly the most ridiculous. Derek is fond of cute acronyms, like TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More. Also, this: One of the first questions he asked me during my interview was, "In the equation '2 + 2 = 4,' what element are you?" After thinking it over, I finally said I was the "=" sign, adding some bullshit about how I bring the team together because, like, I'm awesome. But wait. Derek said, "The answer I was really looking for was '4,' because the 4 is the team." The thing is, that I thought about saying I was the "4," but then I said to myself, self, that is a really conceited thing to say - hey boss, you can fire all these SUCKAS, I AM the team! - and also makes no sense. How can one person be, like, 12 people. BUT I DIGRESS.
Before I left, Derek told me that I should be less guarded in job interviews: "I don't run a rigid shop here. We're all family. Whatever you can do in front of your family, you can do in front of me."
I wanted to give that its own paragraph, because it might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It begs the question: So, I could just go up and grab some of this pizza, right? Because it's free? Because this is a family, right? And we share? So if I don't show up to work for a week, I still have a job? Is that cool? All right, sweet. And then I wanted to rip the world's hugest fart, just to see what he would do.
Anyway, I have a job. It will probably suck, but whatever. Tonight, Ryden and I are going back to the Deuce so he can meet my parents. This could also suck, but I hope it won't. Actually, I got a really shocking email from my mom last night, in which she asked, "I assume Ryden is staying with us Saturday night. What were you thinking as far as sleeping arrangements?" This is not a question I ever expected to hear.