Just a warning my response back is VERY long so you are going to be spammed.
Sam you are so much like me you would be amazed. I have been down this road and I am still struggling on it. Years ago in junior high I went through this massive depression and gained a lot of weight because of it, I had no friends. In high school I befriend this girl and was dragged into a group of other girls who I knew I shouldn't be involved with. Still I was so attention hungry I went for it, by the end of the year I had a group of girls that wanted to beat me up and no friends. I lost the few I had before joining this group and because I finally told them what bitches I thought they all were now had enemies. Only one girl stood by my side. Jessica, if you know my face book and twitter you probably realize I don't even talk to her. Because after we graduated I lost in touch with her too. This is an example of becoming desperate and something you are not can lead up too. I don't want to see you fall like I did out of desperation.
It damaged me and it took me a long time to open up again. It was like that with guys, before I hooked up with Ryan I hadn't dated anyone in 6-7 years! I settled with Ryan too he really wanted Whitney. Most guys do I learned that with Bob, I had a crush on him but I didn't say anything cause he immediately asked about Whitney. That isn't a bad thing though there are a lot of guys that I would be interested in that like Whitney but she won't date any of them because she knows what they are about. We will use that Kevin kid for example you know him and Whitney does too. She went to that concert with him and his friend degraded her in front of him about how he would 'hit that too'. Whitney hates getting picked up on cause they think she is an easy bang because she comes off as a flirt unintentionally, if his friends are like that what could she believe about Kevin himself. That was why we were so hard on you at ACEN if you couldn't hang out he would IMMEDIATELY try and hit Whitney up, he was playing some kind of game.
The point being if they aren't noticing you they aren't worth it, and if they are for reasons that aren't so pure you don't need them. There are guys out there. The best approach might not even be talking. I caught Dan's attention simply with a look I thought he was wearing a work shirt from my dads old job, he thought I was interested and approached. No words spoken. You just have to learn the way of unintentionally flirting. You are good with your humor I heard you make dirty jokes out of innocent things. People like that it shows them they can relax and not be so serious around you.
About being shy around people at cons too...aka jw I am just as bad. It took me an hour to actually talk to Lizzy when we went to visit here AN HOUR I just stood there awkwardly. In fact Whitney and I were so shy at our first ACEN that Desiree and Megan G first thought we were elitist because we wouldn't really talk. I don't talk to any of these people online mind you. Desiree only whenever Whitney does. Jw doesn't even know who I AM but I let Whitney open the door when I am around him and then force a few comments in so he knows my presence that's all you need to do. You have time to wait to be comfortable to go any further then that.
Don't let this depression get to you though I did last year and started cutting. You are the first person I actually admitted this too though others are aware I never say it out loud. At Olivet I was miserable, you had 2 school friends I had no one. No one to hang out with...Nicole was blowing us off for a guy she was keeping secret, Whitney was at school, and I was home every night alone listening to my 2 drunk parents argue non stop. I was really alone and while Whitney was gaining more people I felt I was losing some. Hell I could hardly IM you without feeling lame for forcing myself on my sisters friends. I felt I should be able to make my own but that's not who I am, I am very protective of myself I have to let other people let people in for me. Brittany even once told me she thought I hated her because I would never talk to her. This year I plan to start over and my goal 1 school friend just 1 because I know if I set it higher I will just scare myself and not do it. The best way to do this is when you enter a classroom don't sit every other seat sit right next to the person that looks just as afraid as you. You have the control and they are not as intimidating. I hope this cheers you up and if you ever need someone to talk to try me. I am not like Whitney and Brittany I am like you I really am. I mean I finally started wearing makeup last year because Whitney told me it would help me open up some.
Well first of all, I'd like to say thanks for taking your time to write out all this in response. I really appreciate it. It does make me feel better except for the fact that I kind of feel bad complaining about my situation after hearing yours.
I of course value my friendships that I have had and still do have, including you, but as you said I do need to take control over a relationship and go forward with it to make a friendship at school and then it will make it easier to do so anywhere else.I'm horrible at keeping up with friends sometimes as well. Like my one friend from work go t married this summer, but I couldnt make it to her wedding. I sent a message over fb about it, but after that I never talked to her again. We were supposed to hang out, but I kind of felt embarassed that I didn't have a license to drive anywhere myself until a month ago. While I probably won't see her again since she has graduated, I still have lost an opportunity to have a pretty good friend to talk to from time to time. It's just something like that where I question myself, since I want more friends, but mess it up when I do have the chance.
And yeah I know it is best not to go into anything desperate. I don't want anyone taking advantage of me and it really stinks that people have done that to you, especially since I know you are genuine with your friendships.
And you are pretty much right about the Kevin thing. Not so much that I was just settling with him, since nothing ever really happened. But it's so rare that someone admits that they like me and I kind of could see me liking them back and everything. I was willing to just overlook the fact that he was talking to whitney at same time and was reason why he stopped talking to me after we hung out the second time. I kept giving him excuses like 'well maybe he just wanted to see if he actually did like her' and 'he really only did just start talking to me a week before acen again so its not like hes talking to both of us at same time that much.' or 'he asked to hang out with her because they are friends and everything'. And then after Acen he told me he had a crush on me and I asked him about Whitney and he was just like Oh well I thought I liked her, but I don't anymore basically. And it's like yeah you don't because shes the smart one and not talking to you like that since youre playing games. And guess what happens at the end of all this? We hang out once and i see him another time after that and he basically stops talking to me again. Besides the few comments here and there on fb or he chatted me about a car or something. And what makes it worse is that I secretly want him to just talk to me. Not that I still like him or anything like that, but because I just want to know why he stopped talking to me or pursuing anything. What did I do that was so weird or stupid? It's happened a few times where I would like someone and they would talk to me for a bit and then just stop talking to me basically with no explanation. That's why I don't ever initiate a crush on a guy anymore. They have to let me know that they like me...even though I guess that hasn't worked so much either.
I mean I have had two relationships. One that lasted a long time and it was nice and everything, but after a while I just felt trapped. I kind of wanted to be single again thinking about how I could be more flirty with guys at conventions and be able to just date. I didn't cry much when it was over because deep down I wanted it to end. I mean it was crappy the way he ended it, but I was sort of glad he did. I mostly liked that he was the one to have a crush on me first and I didn't even know who he was when I found out. It's like oh someone actually likes me just from seeing me here and there. He'll still be important to me though since he's my first relationship, kiss, and all that stuff. And then my second relationship, I dunno why I even did that. I think again I liked that he liked me and we had a lot in common. I basically chose him over talking to kevin anymore at that time, since we hung out once before my second relationship. Which makes me think I deserve what he did to me since I sort of did same thing to him, but I dunno. I dont think it's exactly the same since I chose one and stuck with it. But either way, we were barely together and I just felt stuck again. I was kind of looking for a reason to break-up and when he kept hassling me about my religion, it was the perfect way to do so. I have figured that I'm either not the relationship type or just haven't found the person for me to be happy with for a long time. And I think it's both.
I do have guys talk to me and admit their feelings for me and all that, but I'm just not interested in any of them. I mean a couple of them are pretty cool, but I just dont feel myself wanting to be with them. And the rest are just creepers that ask me weird questions and stuff. And the worst part is that I still talk to them! I dunno if it's because I'm too nice and feel bad ignoring them and being truthful or if it's the fact that I kind of like getting some attention. The second of which I don't really want to admit, but it's probably true. Since the hot or cool guys I'd really want to talk to don't talk to me much or have stopped talking to me.
While I don't want any relationships right now, I would like to just date around. But for that to happen I know I have to do like what you said and just be an unintentional flirt. Have a guy notice me in some way...as long as it's respectable. haha
I want people to notice me and everything especially at cons with people like JW. I mean he's one of those cool people that I was excited that he actually started talking to me on fb and stuff a while back. And I felt like when we met in real life I kind of blew it by being so quiet and nervous. I was so nervous being around him its kind of pathetic. I did say a few things to him, but I could have done so much more. We've chatted and commented a few times after that, but not that much. And now I feel that he's ignoring me or something since he hasn't said anything in a while and I do admit (though it's stupid) that some of the stuff i post, he will comment towards. But I feel it has done the opposite and now he just thinks I'm too lame to talk to. Which I dunno if this is all true, but as my usual overthinking self that's what I have come up with.
And I'm tired of thinking so much about everything and coming up with the worst possible conclusion. I don't consider myself a pessimist, but I just think of the worst thing and wonder what if that is really what is going on?! What if that means they don't like me anymore or don't want to hang with me? What if what I said really annoyed or bother them and I didnt mean for it too? What if they think I'm a horrible friend now because I did this? I worry so much sometimes about all this and I cry over it because if it's true than I feel so lonely. Even though it usually isn't and things are better by the next day or few days. I have never felt so depressed that I have hurt myself in anyway and I'm really sorry that it has gotten to that point with you. I hope that things have gotten better though and I am also here for you as well. I don't ever judge or think anything people say is stupid or lame when they are talking to me about something serious. It will probably be hard again since youre by yourself with your parents, but I think KCC will be better and you can talk to me. Don't ever feel lame to do so cause I really don't think that.
I think that your goal of making one school friend is a great one and starting off small is the way to go. I think that will be my goal as well and I really want to stick with it. I don't want them to just be an acquaintance friend either though. I want someone I can talk and hang out with at school,specifically someone in my dorm since my two friends will be living in a different one this year. I think we should make that goal together. Report back to eachother here and there to review our progress. haha
But I'm glad you understand everything I wrote about. Sometimes I feel so down about myself because of what I think others may think about me, but I do have to realize that the most important opinion is my own. I don't want a lot of attention or to be showered with compliments or any of that. I just want to be noticed sometimes and feel wanted by those around me. I know my close friends do, but I want it to expand past that and I'm going to work on it to make that happen.
Well I think I have written enough for the time being. I think I could write so much more, but I'm getting tired and I can't think straight anymore. haha. I do feel so much better writing all this out. I don't think I would have ever been able to say all this verbally, since sometimes I'm not so great with words or expressing my feelings.
p.s I love the yaoi icons. I've gotten to like the yaoi manga a lot. I finished the two I borrowed already. Once I start, I want to keep reading until I find out what happends between the two in the end. haha
Sam you are so much like me you would be amazed. I have been down this road and I am still struggling on it. Years ago in junior high I went through this massive depression and gained a lot of weight because of it, I had no friends. In high school I befriend this girl and was dragged into a group of other girls who I knew I shouldn't be involved with. Still I was so attention hungry I went for it, by the end of the year I had a group of girls that wanted to beat me up and no friends. I lost the few I had before joining this group and because I finally told them what bitches I thought they all were now had enemies. Only one girl stood by my side. Jessica, if you know my face book and twitter you probably realize I don't even talk to her. Because after we graduated I lost in touch with her too. This is an example of becoming desperate and something you are not can lead up too. I don't want to see you fall like I did out of desperation.
It damaged me and it took me a long time to open up again. It was like that with guys, before I hooked up with Ryan I hadn't dated anyone in 6-7 years! I settled with Ryan too he really wanted Whitney. Most guys do I learned that with Bob, I had a crush on him but I didn't say anything cause he immediately asked about Whitney. That isn't a bad thing though there are a lot of guys that I would be interested in that like Whitney but she won't date any of them because she knows what they are about. We will use that Kevin kid for example you know him and Whitney does too. She went to that concert with him and his friend degraded her in front of him about how he would 'hit that too'. Whitney hates getting picked up on cause they think she is an easy bang because she comes off as a flirt unintentionally, if his friends are like that what could she believe about Kevin himself. That was why we were so hard on you at ACEN if you couldn't hang out he would IMMEDIATELY try and hit Whitney up, he was playing some kind of game.
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About being shy around people at cons too...aka jw I am just as bad. It took me an hour to actually talk to Lizzy when we went to visit here AN HOUR I just stood there awkwardly. In fact Whitney and I were so shy at our first ACEN that Desiree and Megan G first thought we were elitist because we wouldn't really talk. I don't talk to any of these people online mind you. Desiree only whenever Whitney does. Jw doesn't even know who I AM but I let Whitney open the door when I am around him and then force a few comments in so he knows my presence that's all you need to do. You have time to wait to be comfortable to go any further then that.
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I of course value my friendships that I have had and still do have, including you, but as you said I do need to take control over a relationship and go forward with it to make a friendship at school and then it will make it easier to do so anywhere else.I'm horrible at keeping up with friends sometimes as well. Like my one friend from work go t married this summer, but I couldnt make it to her wedding. I sent a message over fb about it, but after that I never talked to her again. We were supposed to hang out, but I kind of felt embarassed that I didn't have a license to drive anywhere myself until a month ago. While I probably won't see her again since she has graduated, I still have lost an opportunity to have a pretty good friend to talk to from time to time. It's just something like that where I question myself, since I want more friends, but mess it up when I do have the chance.
And yeah I know it is best not to go into anything desperate. I don't want anyone taking advantage of me and it really stinks that people have done that to you, especially since I know you are genuine with your friendships.
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I mean I have had two relationships. One that lasted a long time and it was nice and everything, but after a while I just felt trapped. I kind of wanted to be single again thinking about how I could be more flirty with guys at conventions and be able to just date. I didn't cry much when it was over because deep down I wanted it to end. I mean it was crappy the way he ended it, but I was sort of glad he did. I mostly liked that he was the one to have a crush on me first and I didn't even know who he was when I found out. It's like oh someone actually likes me just from seeing me here and there. He'll still be important to me though since he's my first relationship, kiss, and all that stuff. And then my second relationship, I dunno why I even did that. I think again I liked that he liked me and we had a lot in common. I basically chose him over talking to kevin anymore at that time, since we hung out once before my second relationship. Which makes me think I deserve what he did to me since I sort of did same thing to him, but I dunno. I dont think it's exactly the same since I chose one and stuck with it. But either way, we were barely together and I just felt stuck again. I was kind of looking for a reason to break-up and when he kept hassling me about my religion, it was the perfect way to do so. I have figured that I'm either not the relationship type or just haven't found the person for me to be happy with for a long time. And I think it's both.
I do have guys talk to me and admit their feelings for me and all that, but I'm just not interested in any of them. I mean a couple of them are pretty cool, but I just dont feel myself wanting to be with them. And the rest are just creepers that ask me weird questions and stuff. And the worst part is that I still talk to them! I dunno if it's because I'm too nice and feel bad ignoring them and being truthful or if it's the fact that I kind of like getting some attention. The second of which I don't really want to admit, but it's probably true. Since the hot or cool guys I'd really want to talk to don't talk to me much or have stopped talking to me.
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I want people to notice me and everything especially at cons with people like JW. I mean he's one of those cool people that I was excited that he actually started talking to me on fb and stuff a while back. And I felt like when we met in real life I kind of blew it by being so quiet and nervous. I was so nervous being around him its kind of pathetic. I did say a few things to him, but I could have done so much more. We've chatted and commented a few times after that, but not that much. And now I feel that he's ignoring me or something since he hasn't said anything in a while and I do admit (though it's stupid) that some of the stuff i post, he will comment towards. But I feel it has done the opposite and now he just thinks I'm too lame to talk to. Which I dunno if this is all true, but as my usual overthinking self that's what I have come up with.
And I'm tired of thinking so much about everything and coming up with the worst possible conclusion. I don't consider myself a pessimist, but I just think of the worst thing and wonder what if that is really what is going on?! What if that means they don't like me anymore or don't want to hang with me? What if what I said really annoyed or bother them and I didnt mean for it too? What if they think I'm a horrible friend now because I did this? I worry so much sometimes about all this and I cry over it because if it's true than I feel so lonely. Even though it usually isn't and things are better by the next day or few days. I have never felt so depressed that I have hurt myself in anyway and I'm really sorry that it has gotten to that point with you. I hope that things have gotten better though and I am also here for you as well. I don't ever judge or think anything people say is stupid or lame when they are talking to me about something serious. It will probably be hard again since youre by yourself with your parents, but I think KCC will be better and you can talk to me. Don't ever feel lame to do so cause I really don't think that.
I think that your goal of making one school friend is a great one and starting off small is the way to go. I think that will be my goal as well and I really want to stick with it. I don't want them to just be an acquaintance friend either though. I want someone I can talk and hang out with at school,specifically someone in my dorm since my two friends will be living in a different one this year. I think we should make that goal together. Report back to eachother here and there to review our progress. haha
But I'm glad you understand everything I wrote about. Sometimes I feel so down about myself because of what I think others may think about me, but I do have to realize that the most important opinion is my own. I don't want a lot of attention or to be showered with compliments or any of that. I just want to be noticed sometimes and feel wanted by those around me. I know my close friends do, but I want it to expand past that and I'm going to work on it to make that happen.
Well I think I have written enough for the time being. I think I could write so much more, but I'm getting tired and I can't think straight anymore. haha. I do feel so much better writing all this out. I don't think I would have ever been able to say all this verbally, since sometimes I'm not so great with words or expressing my feelings.
p.s I love the yaoi icons. I've gotten to like the yaoi manga a lot. I finished the two I borrowed already. Once I start, I want to keep reading until I find out what happends between the two in the end. haha
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