I knew there was an explanation!
Governmentium
A major research institution (MRI) has recently announced the discovery of
the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been
tentatively named Governmentium.
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and
224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312
particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by
vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A
minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to
complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass
will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some
morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.