(no subject)
i realize that it has been a really long time since i've done this but i've really been needing to. so dan and i have been engaged since july, we got a place in november, and concieved a child at the end of december. yeah, i'm pregnant. i wasnt sure what to do at first but i would really regret it if i didnt have it, so i decided that i'm gonna keep it. it's not like i'm alone in this although it seems like i am most of the time. for the first week or so i cried every day and was really depressed...which i still am and i wish i could stop it. once we went and had the ultrasound and i saw the heartbeat i began to accept it and get excited. mind you, all of this was a complete shock to me. i went to the doctor for something completely different, ive been on the pill for years, and all of the sudden, poof, youre pregnant, life as you know it is over. so i had to quit smoking (which is ok, cause i needed to do it anyway) and i can't drink anymore either. so thats all ok and shit, but dan promised me that he would stop too. he stopped smoking cigs, but still wants to go out and drink. he tried to bribe me tonight with laundry and lasagna asking if he could go to a party tomorrow night. fuck that shit. first of all i get out early and can actually hang out with him tomorrow night, second he PROMISED me something and he sure as hell isn't holding up to his part of the deal. i get to carry his child for 9 months, go through all the bullshit and he can still go out and party while i have to either sit home or sit there and watch him do the things i still want to do but can't do???? i don't fucking think so. and if he can't keep that promise then how is he gonna keep his promise to me that we'll move in a couple years or less? i just don't see it happening. i mean really, if you don't want to leave your friends now are you really gonna want to leave them a year or two from now? i doubt it. and if you do you're just gonna resent me for it and we're gonna fall apart. but on the other hand if we stay here i'm gonna resent him for it and we're gonna fall apart. or maybe i'm totally wrong and he really will be ok with it. i hope so. i always tend to see the negative side of things more easily than the positive.
and we're supposed to get married in may. yeah. i have mixed feelings about that which seem to change daily, so i don't even want to get into it cause i'll be saying the opposite thing tomorrow.
oh and i hate my job but i am trapped there because i have health insurance that now i can't afford to give up. i wish dan could get a job that had reasonable health insurance that could cover me so i could not go to a job that i despise every day. i just feel like i'm all around getting the shitty end of the stick here and he's getting the easy road. i wish there was something i could do to change everything.
and i want to move out of the apartment too. i don't want to live here with a baby. its way too small and i don't want to deal with the lady downstairs. maybe i should go talk to the people here and see how much it would be to finish out our lease in one of the two bedrooms that they have...that's an idea. and maybe we'd like it better in that apartment and would stay.
that's enough bitching for tonight. i feel a little better though.
and we're supposed to get married in may. yeah. i have mixed feelings about that which seem to change daily, so i don't even want to get into it cause i'll be saying the opposite thing tomorrow.
oh and i hate my job but i am trapped there because i have health insurance that now i can't afford to give up. i wish dan could get a job that had reasonable health insurance that could cover me so i could not go to a job that i despise every day. i just feel like i'm all around getting the shitty end of the stick here and he's getting the easy road. i wish there was something i could do to change everything.
and i want to move out of the apartment too. i don't want to live here with a baby. its way too small and i don't want to deal with the lady downstairs. maybe i should go talk to the people here and see how much it would be to finish out our lease in one of the two bedrooms that they have...that's an idea. and maybe we'd like it better in that apartment and would stay.
that's enough bitching for tonight. i feel a little better though.