She looks like the real thing, she tastes like the real thing, my fake plastic love...

[ljc_danes]

Even though I've told myself over and over that it was only an accident, I just can't get myself to believe that I'm not to blame. There are so many thoughts going through my head, and I can't even control them. I don't want to be angry with myself, because I know that it was an accident, I know it wasn't my fault, but still I somehow manage to make myself believe it was. There is just so much going on right now.. I can't handle it. It's all too much for me to take.

I can't tell Ben, because if I do I don't know what will happen. Evidently my life will become even more unbearable and I just don't want that. I don't know how I'd be able to deal with that. The thought of him finding out terrifies me more than anything.

Why did I have to get myself into this mess?

I know.. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but it's hard not to. I just don't know who else to blame. I guess no one should be blamed for what happened, but... then what do I do? God, I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused. Everything is so confusing. I just don't know what to do. I can hardly get out of bed anymore. And soon I'm going to have to shoot a movie. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to do that??

I just don't want to have to think anymore. I just don't want to have to do anything anymore. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to wake up... oh god, what's happened to me?

Best of Everything,
Claire