Who you'd be today...
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." -Alfred D. Souza
It seems like for a very long time now, I have been waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the perfect career to bounce into my head, the perfect guy to come along and sweep me off my feet into the night, the perfect amount of money for all of my financial needs. Most importantly, I've been waiting for the morning where I wake up and I know who I am, where I'm going, who I want to be, and who will be with me. I'm finding as time keeps going and days keep passing that this notion I've created in my sweet little head will probably never happen. I think I was born to be a searcher, someone who never really settles unless it's exactly what I want. Until I get what I want, what I need, or anything of the sort I will keep searching, pushing, buying, loving, spending, and hoping. All my life I said, "I'm going to be a teacher", and now while I don't necessarily think it's a bad idea I do wonder if it's 'my calling'. I tell people that I can't wait for the day when I have kids and a husband and Marley sleeping on my front porch. Honestly though, what about now? My days are typically filled with school stuff or Pizza Hut stuff. I do have to credit to my friends though. I never thought I would be able to replace Katie Bogan. I never thought anyone would understand me, or bring out the real me...or at least not in the way that she did in good ole high school. I see now that I was wrong. Very, very wrong. Somehow, someway, Loren walked into my life. With Loren walking into my life, I met Adriana. Eventually through Pizza Hut and through Loren, Sara walked into my life as well. Now, I find it hard to go one day without talking to all of them. Loren and I were pretty rocky for a little while, I'm not really sure - mostly foolish pride on my part. But all that seems to be over, and now I have yet another sister away from my biological sisters who lives right upstairs. It's the most amazing, interesting, crazy, spontaneous friendship I have ever had with anyone. I love her, I care about her, and I adore her. The same goes for Adriana - she's honestly one of the very few things that are very constant in my life. I know she'll be there - she may get pissed at me, but she won't act like it when I call her whining about something completely regardless to the imporatance of life. She strengthens me through God, a relationship that I've been struggling with lately and never really knowing if he's always there with me or not. At my weakest of moments with God, I call her. She doesn't know it, but her voice, her attitude, and her smile flash God right back into his place in my heart. It's really quite amazing. Sara, I've known her the longest. However, I don't always feel like I know her the most or that she knows the most about me. The woman has an unbelievable sense of advice and direction in her life even though her family isn't necessarily the most sane. Basically what I'm saying is that I have three amazing, beautiful, smart friends. People I never thought I would know, or come to know, or even have the privledge of their friendships.
I'm feeling very insecure about a lot of things right now, it makes me feel better to write and talk about the things that I know are secure (eg, my friends). I was going to take a nap with my extra time that I had before work, but the computer was luring me in. Now, I don't want to stop. I must shower before I head off to the hut...but for now, typing will make the twinge in my stomach, head, and heart go away.
Ben left, well left my apartment, this afternoon. He's moving to Ohio on Friday and is nervous as all hell. I think it will be really good for him, the people he's going to be working with seem cool to him and they called him this morning wanting him to do remotes on his way from Indiana to his new home in Ohio giving little tid bits of information about the towns he goes through on his way there. They said that he is going to be doing a big show so they want him to have a 'big entrance'. I'm really happy for him, I think he'll do very well. I also thing that this will be a time for him to finally spread his wings and figure out who is and what he's doing with his life. I know he's a bit quirky at times, but to me he's everything that I am on the inside...just only in a more outwardly way. I'm not sure if that made any sense, but it did to me - and I suppose that's all that matters.
It's beautiful outside, there's something about this time of year that makes the numbness of life go away for a little bit. Everythings a bit newer, and prettier, and more exciting. Just driving to work or class makes me smile. The day that snow hits the ground here in Bloomington, Indiana this year will be the day that I'll feel God shining down on me again. I know it's probably not very good to rely on snow to renew your sense of spirituality, but at this point...
I need to shut up.
Thanks for listening.
xxoo
It seems like for a very long time now, I have been waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the perfect career to bounce into my head, the perfect guy to come along and sweep me off my feet into the night, the perfect amount of money for all of my financial needs. Most importantly, I've been waiting for the morning where I wake up and I know who I am, where I'm going, who I want to be, and who will be with me. I'm finding as time keeps going and days keep passing that this notion I've created in my sweet little head will probably never happen. I think I was born to be a searcher, someone who never really settles unless it's exactly what I want. Until I get what I want, what I need, or anything of the sort I will keep searching, pushing, buying, loving, spending, and hoping. All my life I said, "I'm going to be a teacher", and now while I don't necessarily think it's a bad idea I do wonder if it's 'my calling'. I tell people that I can't wait for the day when I have kids and a husband and Marley sleeping on my front porch. Honestly though, what about now? My days are typically filled with school stuff or Pizza Hut stuff. I do have to credit to my friends though. I never thought I would be able to replace Katie Bogan. I never thought anyone would understand me, or bring out the real me...or at least not in the way that she did in good ole high school. I see now that I was wrong. Very, very wrong. Somehow, someway, Loren walked into my life. With Loren walking into my life, I met Adriana. Eventually through Pizza Hut and through Loren, Sara walked into my life as well. Now, I find it hard to go one day without talking to all of them. Loren and I were pretty rocky for a little while, I'm not really sure - mostly foolish pride on my part. But all that seems to be over, and now I have yet another sister away from my biological sisters who lives right upstairs. It's the most amazing, interesting, crazy, spontaneous friendship I have ever had with anyone. I love her, I care about her, and I adore her. The same goes for Adriana - she's honestly one of the very few things that are very constant in my life. I know she'll be there - she may get pissed at me, but she won't act like it when I call her whining about something completely regardless to the imporatance of life. She strengthens me through God, a relationship that I've been struggling with lately and never really knowing if he's always there with me or not. At my weakest of moments with God, I call her. She doesn't know it, but her voice, her attitude, and her smile flash God right back into his place in my heart. It's really quite amazing. Sara, I've known her the longest. However, I don't always feel like I know her the most or that she knows the most about me. The woman has an unbelievable sense of advice and direction in her life even though her family isn't necessarily the most sane. Basically what I'm saying is that I have three amazing, beautiful, smart friends. People I never thought I would know, or come to know, or even have the privledge of their friendships.
I'm feeling very insecure about a lot of things right now, it makes me feel better to write and talk about the things that I know are secure (eg, my friends). I was going to take a nap with my extra time that I had before work, but the computer was luring me in. Now, I don't want to stop. I must shower before I head off to the hut...but for now, typing will make the twinge in my stomach, head, and heart go away.
Ben left, well left my apartment, this afternoon. He's moving to Ohio on Friday and is nervous as all hell. I think it will be really good for him, the people he's going to be working with seem cool to him and they called him this morning wanting him to do remotes on his way from Indiana to his new home in Ohio giving little tid bits of information about the towns he goes through on his way there. They said that he is going to be doing a big show so they want him to have a 'big entrance'. I'm really happy for him, I think he'll do very well. I also thing that this will be a time for him to finally spread his wings and figure out who is and what he's doing with his life. I know he's a bit quirky at times, but to me he's everything that I am on the inside...just only in a more outwardly way. I'm not sure if that made any sense, but it did to me - and I suppose that's all that matters.
It's beautiful outside, there's something about this time of year that makes the numbness of life go away for a little bit. Everythings a bit newer, and prettier, and more exciting. Just driving to work or class makes me smile. The day that snow hits the ground here in Bloomington, Indiana this year will be the day that I'll feel God shining down on me again. I know it's probably not very good to rely on snow to renew your sense of spirituality, but at this point...
I need to shut up.
Thanks for listening.
xxoo