-the cloud is over my head-

[lizzyizzyizzy]

I don't know if it's just being deeply spiritual at times of if it's my mind mentally fucking with me but I can't tell the difference between fake/dreams and reality and it's really, really, scaring me. It's so confusing, sometimes I don't know if I'm in a dream or if I'm awake or if something really happening or whatever. OmFg it's so hard to explain...Ok, well I was doing a whole bunch of Wiccan spells and rituals last night, which could be that, but if you don't believe in that otherwise I don't know...I had this dream about someone that I was talking to earlier and all this shit happened in my dream mostly spiritual shit or sexual shit, and it freaked me out so fuckin bad I woke up crying and ran to take a bath I felt so dirty and I was all confused as if whatever had really happened or not...I'm pretty sure after thinking about this for 3hours that none of this really happened but I still feel dirty and weird n shit. I laid in the bathtub for an hour in scolding hot water I felt so ugh I don't know...I think all the shit that's happened since last summer has traumatized me so much that I can't tell the difference from dreams and reality. I use to be on respridal(sp?) for this, but I got better. (of so the dr. said.) And a certain vision, thought, sound ANYTHING could stimulate that part of my brain to start getting this way again, or remembering the same vision, thought, sound that caused the tramatization...Gawd, I wish I would've asked my Mom when she was here what was my full diagonis...

...I'm going to ask my dad to put my back on meds. somehow I doubt he'll take me to the therapist. He always has said no before cuz it cost money, sept when the hosp. forced him too take me. Ugh ugh ugh ugh, I really can't take this shit if it happens again I don't know what will happen next if my mind goes all weird again, and I don't know how to react to it. FUCK!! I still can't fuckin believe I had that dream, specially who it was about etc...