Pandora's Box - chapter 13
Title: Pandora's Box - chapter thirteen
Author: Lizwontcry
Spoilers: Current season.
Rating/Warnings: It's all mature from here.
Disclaimer: I got nothin'.
Summary: After he asks her for advice on how to take his relationship with Amy to the next level, Sheldon and Penny are drawn to each other. How far will they take their attraction, and what will it cost them?
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"It was a good-bye kiss!"
In the six months she and Sheldon had been stealing kisses behind closed doors, Penny never imagined getting caught. She'd perfected the art of sneaking around as a teenager. She had spent a good deal of her life lying to various people-she was good at it. She'd honed and cultivated it. Hell, she was an actress. She lied for a living. Penny could probably write a "How To" guide on how to perfect the art of deception and successfully carry it out. Suffice it to say, she never expected getting caught. Penny had become so confident in her ability to lie and cover her tracks, she hadn't really taken any time to consider what she would do if anyone found out. In a way, Penny just assumed that it either wouldn't happen or that she would be able to lie her way out of it if it did.
But this was different. This, she couldn't lie about. Right there, on Leonard's computer screen was a picture of Penny and Sheldon embracing, passionately kissing, not even caring that they may have had an audience. There was nothing she could say or do to make that go away.
Over in his spot, Sheldon had no idea what was about to hit him. Penny wanted to go over to him, comfort him, tell him everything would be okay. But again, that was a lie. Nothing would be okay, and it probably wouldn't be for a long time. Everything that had gone unspoken for the past six months was being said in the picture.
"What? A kiss? Who is kissing who?" Howard got up to take a look, quickly followed by Bernadette and Amy. Raj had already figured out what this was about and gave Penny a look that she interpreted as "Well, it was nice knowing you." Sheldon was frozen in place. Penny was burying her face in her hands because in about four seconds, everything-
"What is this, bestie? I don't get it...were you guys rehearsing a scene or something?" Amy looked confused.
Penny pulled her hands away from her face and looked Amy right in the eye, momentarily forgetting her shame and guilt. Every part of her knew it was wrong, but she was about to ask Amy how she could be so naïve and stupid. She wanted to tell Amy that she wasn't sorry and didn't regret any of her actions, because she loved Sheldon. Penny would have said a million of other hurtful things, but thankfully Leonard spoke first.
"You see a picture of your best friend kissing your boyfriend and that's your reaction? I want to know what the fuck 'a good-bye kiss' is supposed to mean? How many kisses were there, exactly? That's the first thing I'd want to know. But that's just me." Leonard looked as though he was trying very hard to stay calm.
"Now, Leonard, let's let them explain. I'm sure Sheldon and Penny have an adequate reason for sticking their tongues down each other's throat like they were mining for gold-"
"Howie! Not helping." Bernadette did not look pleased with her husband.
Leonard slowly turned around and looked at the culprits. Sheldon was staring straight ahead. Penny was staring intensely at a piece of thread that was starting to unravel in her shorts. She'd have to retire the shorts soon. It was a shame; she really loved those shorts-
"So who wants to explain this to me? Not that I need an explanation. Clearly all the crap that's been happening around here for the last few months finally makes sense."
"Leonard, come on," Penny said softly. "This isn't what it looks like. It was a good-bye kiss!" She didn't know how that was going to make anything better, but he needed to know. She didn't want to lie anymore. But she didn't want to explain herself, either. They'd never get it. They'd never understand.
"Why were you saying goodbye in the first place?" Leonard was turning red. Oh, this was not going to end well. Beside him, Amy was also getting all riled up.
"Sheldon! Snap out of it and tell me you guys were rehearsing a scene or something. I know you wouldn't do this to me!"
Maybe it was the sound of normally calm and even-tempered Amy raising her voice that made Sheldon finally snap to attention. He rose from his spot and went over the Leonard's computer, something Penny should have warned him against doing-Leonard was likely to resent his very presence at the moment. Sheldon saw the picture of the kiss in question and was starting to say something when, in one quick motion, Leonard got up and shoved Sheldon toward the door. Hard. If Sheldon had been Leonard's size; if he hadn't been working out for the past couple of months and if he hadn't been aware of his surroundings, maybe Leonard would have succeeded in hurting Sheldon. But Sheldon didn't fall, and Leonard just ended up getting more frustrated.
"How could you do this to me? You know how I feel about her! You know!"
Sheldon cleared his throat, and he finally started talking.
"I know that you are attracted to Penny sexually. I know that you've confessed your feelings for her on many occasions, including the day we met her in the hallway when you knew nothing but her looks. And I also know you've never treated her the way she desires. She's not an object, Leonard. Penny deserves more than that."
"Oh, and I suppose whatever the two of you have going on is deep and meaningful? Because in this picture, it sure doesn't look like it."
"You don't know anything, Leonard! You can't-you have no idea!" Sheldon was so rarely at a loss for words. The fact that he was defending their affair made Penny's heart break all over again. It meant something to him; she meant something to him. And now it was on display for everyone to see and judge and she felt violated.
"Then why don't you explain it to me? If this is anything other than what it looks like, I'd love to hear an explanation."
Silence, deep and penetrating silence. The absence of noise did not mean that the room itself was quiet. Penny felt like this silence was louder than any noise she'd ever experienced, because this silence spoke volumes. How could they possibly explain and rationalize their actions, their deception, to the others? How could they defend themselves when they both knew that what they had done was wrong? Penny immediately knew that her and Sheldon had been quiet for too long when Leonard started to speak again.
"Someone is going to have to start talking because nobody is leaving this apartment until we figure this out. I want answers and I want them now."
It went without saying, but Penny had never seen Leonard this angry. And frankly, she had no idea what he was capable of when he was in this state. Everyone always thought of him as a scrawny geek, but Penny knew there was a question mark in there somewhere; a screw loose in that giant brain of his.
"Amy and I had just gotten in from Switzerland. I visited Penny at her workplace to say hello. Things got out of hand. That is what happened. And I will thank you kindly to not keep our friends trapped in our living quarters-"
"I do not give a flying dog shit about what you will thank me kindly for. Why did you visit Penny at work? She never let me do that. She never wanted me there. Why was she breaking the rules for you?"
Silence again. Penny closed her eyes and hoped when she opened them again, she'd be somewhere else. Like Hawaii. Or dead.
Howard, Bernadette and Raj were now in the kitchen, trying to keep themselves occupied yet not taking their eyes away from Leonard's increasing insanity. Amy was still staring at the picture on the computer, Sheldon had moved from Leonard's side to his own computer, and Penny retreated to the couch to watch the rest of this drama unfold.
Leonard looked like he was about to explode. His face was beginning to turn purple from the lack of oxygen; Penny couldn't remember the last time she saw him take a breath. Leonard turned to Amy and addressed her, like they were the only four people in the room.
"Okay, if none of you assholes are going to talk, I think I've managed to put the pieces together. Some time ago, Penny and Sheldon started to see each other behind our backs, Amy. Who knows why, or how, or what they were thinking, or how they could do that to us. That's not important. What is important is how Penny lied to me and said she had 'an infection' and couldn't mess around when in fact she was messing around, just not with me. What's also important, Amy, is that the two of them went to Vegas when you and I were out of town. And who knows what disgusting crap they did to each other there. What do you think, Penny? Sheldon? Am I getting this right?"
"No," Sheldon and Penny said together.
"NO! No, you didn't go to Vegas together? You haven't been sticking your tongues down each other's throats? What are you saying no to, exactly?"
Penny didn't look at Amy. Nobody looked at Amy. This was hard enough without having to deal with knowing what was going through Amy's head. Sheldon cleared his throat again and decided to speak for himself and Penny, who seemed to have lost the ability to talk.
"Yes. Yes, Leonard, those things did happen as you describe. But not in the way you're assuming. It was not some lustful affair we threw ourselves into, as you are inclined to think."
This only made Leonard angrier. "What the hell are you trying to say, Sheldon? That you're in love with Penny? Because the last time I checked, you didn't have the capability to love anyone."
Regardless of what anyone might have thought of Sheldon's inability to have appropriate emotions given the circumstances, this statement made him angry. He was a human being and just as capable of getting his feelings destroyed as anyone else. Leonard was a good friend, but he was always dismissing Sheldon's emotions when they didn't fit Leonard's perception. In this scenario, that wasn't going to work. Maybe it was time Sheldon stood up for himself. Maybe it was time for the dynamics of this friendship to shift.
"I think that what I think is love and what you think is love are two very different things. My definition of love is more than sex and convenience, which is clearly what the two of you have in common."
This time, Leonard was able to knock Sheldon to the ground. Just with the sheer force of his fist. Penny finally got up and ran to Sheldon. In mere seconds, Bernadette bolted over with some ice to put on Sheldon's eye, which Leonard basically pummeled.
"Sheldon! Are you okay?" Penny kneeled beside him and held his head in her hands. She applied the ice to his face, which made him inhale sharply. Penny never thought they'd be here. At this point. How did they get here? Why did they let it come this far? In her life, Penny didn't spend a lot of time thinking about morals and beliefs. But now she was starting to think that maybe she really was a bad person. Looking at all the people she'd hurt by her impulsiveness was making her see how truly bad she'd messed up this time. Sheldon didn't look much better. And now he'd have a black eye to prove it.
"Oh, aren't you the helpful nurse! I'm sure if I was the one on the ground, you couldn't care less. You'd probably leave me there to die. By the way, are you just going to sit there, Sheldon? You don't want to hit me back? Come on, I'll give you one free hit. You've ripped my heart out, anyway, what's one less organ?" God, Leonard was so dramatic sometimes.
Sheldon shook his head. "I'm not a violent person, Leonard. I don't think it will accomplish anything to hit you. "
"Figures," Leonard said, shaking his head. "You get to be the noble hero and I get to be the asshole."
Enough. Penny had enough. Yes, Leonard was entitled to be mad about the situation. Yes, he was justified in making the two of them feel terrible about what they've done. But he was not allowed to be a fifth grade bully. They were adults and this was getting ridiculous.
"Shut up, Leonard! Shut. Up. You have no idea what happened with us! It was never about you. It wasn't about Amy. Sheldon cares…he cares about me. And I care about him. And we have a lot in common. And we let that get the best of us for a few months, but it's over now. I know that won't be of any comfort to you right now, but it's over. And may I remind you, we're not even together anymore, nor have we been for a while now. You need to get the hell off your high horse."
Leonard chuckled. It was not a polite chuckle, or a happy chuckle. Penny suddenly became very nervous about how this was all going to end.
"I should have expected this, really. You know, when you made that huge stink about having that musician asshole crash at your place, I knew you had a past. But it's taken me this long to realize it isn't just the past. It's the past, present and future. Once a whore, always a whore."
And that's when Sheldon got up and punched Leonard in the face. Leonard doubled over and grunted and shrieked. Everyone in the room stared at the scene in confusion and excitement. At that point, most of them were on Sheldon and Penny's side (Except for Amy, obviously), due to Leonard's immature reaction and irrational assumptions. Leonard was his own worst enemy here.
"What happened to you not believing in violence?" Howard asked Sheldon with admiration in his voice.
"Apparently I now believe in it when it's necessary," Sheldon said. "Penny does not deserve to be spoken to in such a way, no matter how angry Leonard is."
Penny wanted to hug Sheldon-he was so courageous sometimes. But that definitely would have only added fuel to the already raging fire. Sheldon probably figured he was defending her honor and she loved that.
Instead, she leaned down into Leonard's face on the floor and said, "You deserved that, asshole! I may be a whore, but you're going to end up a lonely old man because you ruin every single relationship you're in. With your insecurity and selfishness and immaturity. At least when I'm old and lonely, I'll remember the man who loved me not because I let him have sex with me, but because he loved who I was. He didn't judge me. And he did the right thing out of respect for the people he cared about."
Penny couldn't take it anymore, and knew if she didn't leave right then, she would break down in front of all of them. She couldn't let that happen. She got up and looked around the room. All of her friends were staring at her. Penny just shrugged; she opened the door, closed it calmly, walked the few feet across the hall, opened that door and then closed it calmly. Once she got inside, she collapsed against the door and cried. Cried so hard, she was sure everyone across the hall could hear. Cried so hard, it gave her a headache. After an hour or so of sobbing, she got up and rooted around in her cabinets for some Motrin. She swallowed three of them and tried to figure out what to do with herself. She wasn't needed on set for a few days, but she didn't want to stay home, either. Thinking about being across the hall from all that drama made her head hurt even more.
So she texted Elena. Can I stay with you for a few days? Long story...
Seconds later, her phone buzzed. Of course. I'm at a party right now but I'll come pick you up in an hour.
Well, at least she still had one friend left.
Penny sank into her couch. She drank some wine and thought about what had gone down. She didn't really care that much about Leonard and his crazy reaction. He'd get over it eventually. Or not, whatever. What she cared about was what Sheldon was going to do now. He worked and lived with Leonard, had a relationship with Amy...what was he going to do? Where was he going to live? It surprised Penny that she had more empathy for his situation than hers. And she realized she really must be in love with the guy if that was true.
Someone knocked on her door. Unfortunately it wasn't nine knocks, which is what she wanted most in the world. She took another swig of wine and said resignedly, "Come in."
For some reason, Penny wasn't expecting Amy to come through her door. She was expecting Bernadette or possibly Elena (even though she would have had to have the ability of flight to get to Penny's so fast) but it was Amy. Looking how one would expect someone in her situation to look-heartbroken. Destroyed. Devastated. Like she was never going to trust anyone ever again.
Amy sat down next to Penny. Penny didn't say anything. She knew she needed to hear what Amy was going to say-she deserved it.
Amy was quiet for a while. Well, not quiet-she was crying. Penny knew she didn't want a hug from the person who'd been deceiving her for six months, so she kept her distance. The crying and the quiet went on for an unnervingly long time, but then she began to speak.
"When I was maybe 12 years old, I had skipped a few grades in school. I was in ninth grade, and all the other girls were a lot more experienced than me. They had long legs and perky breasts and they made out with boys in cars and I'd always listen in on their conversations and get jealous of their amazing lives. Me, I was on an academic mission and nothing was going to stop me, but I had hormones just like everyone else. I had the biggest crush on this boy I was in orchestra with. I played the harp and he played the viola. His name was Sergio and I convinced myself I was in love with him. Well, some of the older girls must have noticed because they dared him to ask me out. Yep, dared him.
"I won't go into specifics of the date because I'm sure you can guess what happened. It was bad enough that I swore off dating until I graduated, and when I graduated I realized no one wanted to date me, so I swore it off for even longer. I only went on dates to please my mother. I never met a single person I had any romantic interest in, ever. And then I met Sheldon. And just when I thought I was getting somewhere with him...just when I thought he really cared about me, I find out that my best friend has been betraying me for months. I don't understand. How-why?"
"Honestly? I didn't do this to you. Yes, you are my friend and I felt guilty that I was doing something that would hurt you. But I didn't do it intentionally. It wasn't like…it's not like I did this to you on purpose. And, Amy, Sheldon does really care about you. And it really was a good-bye kiss. Because he wants to be with you. He wants to make it right with you. I can't emphasize that enough. He picked you."
"I'm sure you can understand how little comfort that is to me right now. Look, I have some questions that I would like for you to answer truthfully. Leonard seemed to figure out a lot of things I have yet to discover. So please tell me, when did this affair of yours start?"
"Oh, Amy, it wasn't exactly an affair..."
"Just answer the question. I think I deserve that much."
Penny sighed. She hadn't been prepared for this conversation but she probably owed it to Amy, anyway. It was karma. Penny had always believed in karma, and now it had come to bite her in the ass.
"Fine. You're right. It started six months ago. Sheldon came to me and asked me to assist him with a problem he was having. You wanted the relationship to become more physical and he was willing to make that happen, but he was afraid of disappointing you. So he asked me for a kissing lesson. At first I looked at it as an acting challenge, but the moment he kissed me, I knew it was more than that. And...well, yeah. That's when it started."
"Interesting. So am I right to assume that before Sheldon and I reached another level of intimacy, he first, um, rehearsed this with you? Every time?"
"Yes."
"And you went to Las Vegas with him? I can't even get him to go to my great aunt's birthday party and you got him to Vegas. What did you do there, exactly?"
"Um, well, we played cards. Ate a lot. Went to a Garth Brooks show. And a train museum."
Amy nodded, taking this all in. Penny was torn between feeling like the worst person in the history of the world, and feeling like Amy should speed it up and get this over with. Why prolong the agony? Why did she want to know every single detail? Why was she torturing herself like this?
"I don't want to ask this question, I really don't-"
"Then don't, Amy. Just don't ask."
"I'm afraid I have to. I'm a scientist. I need all the information. Am I correct in assuming that he had coitus with you before we went to Switzerland?"
"Yes. Once."
Amy took her glasses off and rubbed her eyes.
"He lost his virginity. To you."
"Yes."
"Before I got a chance to be with him first. To lose my flower to him. To have these experiences together."
"Yes. I'm sorry. I don't...I don't know what to say."
"Seriously, Penny. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm a nice person...I've made many unique scientific discoveries that have been written about in important journals. I'm smart, I'm feisty, I have a good rack..."
Penny didn't know what having a good rack had to do with the affair...Amy's train of thought was derailing pretty quickly. "Again, we didn't do it to spite you, Amy. It was just something that happened. It got out of control. There were...feelings involved and we didn't handle it very well. I got swept up in the drama, I'll be the first to admit. It was selfish and it was irrational and it felt right to me at the time. But he made a choice. You are his choice. You are the one he wants to be with."
"Oh, lucky me, I get a cheating bastard for a partner. Thank you, Penny. Thank you for giving him to me. I'm so happy."
"Gee, Amy, the sarcasm is a little much, don't you think? You know what, there were two people in this situation. Two of us. Why aren't you yelling at him right now?" Penny felt bad about throwing Sheldon under the bus, but she didn't want to be the only person to blame, either.
Amy glared at Penny, and for some reason, Penny had a hard time caring.
"He'll get what's coming to him, don't worry about that. But he went to bed. I think Leonard may have given him a concussion."
"Oh, crap. Is he going to be okay? Do we need to take him to the hospital? Isn't sleeping when you have a concussion a bad idea?"
For a moment, Amy was distracted from her anger. She looked unsettled by Penny's questions. "No. That's a myth. You really do care about him, don't you?"
"That's not it, I'm just concerned-"
"Penny. No more lies. I will repeat: you care about him, don't you?"
Penny nodded. "Yes. I...goddammit, Amy, I love the guy. So much. I was fine without him for so long and then we kissed and everything changed. I love him. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it."
Amy took this all in. "Does he love you?" Ah. The question that was on everyone's minds.
"I don't know. Sometimes I think he does. Or he could. But he's never said the words out loud." It felt nice to be honest for once. Refreshing. But the truth stung. And now it lingered in the air for them both to ponder.
"I have one more question and then I'll take my leave. I have a feeling we won't be seeing each other for a while and I guess I'll just have to deal with that. My question is this: I legitimately thought I was your best friend. I've never had a best friend before...hell, I've never really had many friends period. But I'm pretty sure friends don't sleep with each other's boyfriends. Why did you do this to me? Were you jealous? You're so used to being the "Queen Bee" that you had to take Sheldon away from me? Come to think of it, you slept with Raj, too. Gosh, Penny, all you have left is Howard. Too bad he's married now."
Penny chuckled. Maybe Amy was trying to hurt her, but it wasn't anything Penny hadn't thought of herself already. But it still annoyed her. Enough to lay down exactly the way she felt about her 'bestie'.
"You know what…I never signed up to be your best friend. You just assumed we were. I've tried to be a good friend to you, Amy, but I never signed up to be 'besties'. I'm nobody's best friend. I have to look out for myself; it's always been that way. No, you're right, real friends don't sleep with each other's boyfriends. But this was never about you or Leonard; that's what I keep saying. It was between me and Sheldon. And now it's over."
"It certainly is. Well, now that we've gotten that all cleared up, I think I'll take my leave. It was nice while it lasted, Penny. But I guess that was all in my head, right?" And then she got up, flung open the door, slammed it, and she was gone.
Penny curled up on her couch and waited for Elena to collect her. She desperately wanted to hear those nine knocks before she left, but they never came. She knew it was a bad idea but she wanted one last night. Her and Sheldon against the world. Then they could deal with reality in the morning. But he didn't call or text or email or tweet or write on her wall. Radio silence. And it broke her heart.
Finally Elena arrived. Penny threw some of her crap in a bag and grabbed her laptop on the way out. Elena didn't try to make conversation until they were in the car and on the move.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Elena finally asked.
Penny sighed, tapped a few keys on her phone, and showed Elena the incriminating picture while they sat at a red light.
"Oh. Oh, no. Leonard saw this, didn't he?"
"Oh, yes. Everyone did."
"That's not good."
"No. No, it's not."
Sensing that Penny didn't want to elaborate, Elena stopped talking. They arrived at Elena's apartment, which was covered floor to ceiling in gothic decorating. She'd even painted the walls black, which made the place somewhat scary and foreboding. It was exactly where Penny wanted to be. It reflected her mood and she figured if her soul was an actual physical substance, it would be as black as Elena's walls.
Elena had a spare bedroom and Penny crashed on the bed, not wanting to ever open her eyes again. She felt Elena sit next to her and she said, without looking up, "I interrupted your date, didn't I?"
"You did. We were at a party. Things were about to get interesting."
Penny moaned. "Was she really hot?"
"The hottest girl I've ever seen in maybe my entire life. The best part? She's never seen a soap opera. Ever. We basically had nothing to talk about. So we made out instead."
Penny chuckled, but also felt a strange pang of jealousy.
"So anyway, I'm going to get up early tomorrow and go jogging, but feel free to sleep in. You need it...you look like crap right now."
"Oh, thanks. I think I will. I need to write a few emails when I wake up, anyway."
"Cool. The WiFi password is IHEARTAXLROSE. No spaces."
And with that, Penny burst into uncontrollable tears. Elena didn't know what to do about this random breakdown her new friend was having, so she just held her hand and let her cry. And cry. And cry. Until Penny cried herself to sleep.
*****
Penny slept until 11:00. She slowly rose, made some coffee, had some of Elena's Fruit Loops. She set up her laptop on the kitchen table and checked Twitter and Facebook to see if Sheldon left her any messages. He hadn't. Reluctantly, she opened her email. Nothing there, either.
Her first mission of the day was first was to email Leonard. She didn't have much to say to him and she was sure he didn't want to hear from her anyway but she felt like she owed him something.
Leonard - I know you don't want to hear from me right now. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you and I know it might be a long time, if ever, before we're able to repair our friendship. You did-DO-mean a lot to me. Just not what I meant to you.
Sincerely, Penny.
After another cup of coffee and a few deep breaths, Penny wrote another email, this time to Sheldon.
Sheldon - I'm sorry for the way this happened, but I'll never be sorry for exploring what exists between us, or the experiences that we shared. I will never forget watching you close your eyes and sing along to Garth Brooks. You knew every word to every song. I loved that.
I know I might not see you again for a long time and I guess I'll have to live with that. But I want you to know it was worth it. And I meant everything I said. I'm in love with you, and that doesn't just go away when I don't get to see you every day. You are strong and courageous and the smartest man I know. I know you'll win that Nobel Prize. I only wish I could be there to share it with you.
Love, Penny.
A few minutes later, Elena came jogging back inside. She opened the refrigerator and retrieved an apple and a bottle of water. Penny knew she was going to have to adopt this same lifestyle soon if she was going to play her twin onstage. No more Fruit Loops.
"What's up?" Elena asked after taking a drink of the water and a bite of her apple.
Penny inhaled, exhaled, and said what had been on her mind for weeks now. It was time for a new start. A clean slate.
"Let's do it. Let's go to New York. I'm ready."
Elena grinned. "I knew you'd eventually say yes! Ohmygod, I'm so excited. We'll have to tell the producers tomorrow at work. I can't wait to see what kind of traumatic accident they will invent for our characters. Oh, and I'll email Alan, the director of the play. He's going to be stoked. And we have to find a place to live!" She shrieked happily and the two of them did a little sisterly dance.
Penny didn't want to leave Sheldon behind, but it was time to think about her future. Time to move on. Time to write the next chapter of her life. Even if she had to do it kicking and screaming.
*****
Sheldon saw the email the second it appeared in his inbox. But he didn't read it. He was at work and had so many things to attend to that keeping Penny off his mind wasn't even that hard. Leonard took the day off, which Sheldon was eternally grateful for-he'd have to face him again eventually, probably even when he got home, but he needed the few hours of solitude that work would bring. Word had traveled around the department that Sheldon was definitely getting the Nobel Prize, and people were congratulating him all day. He didn't check his email again until nearly midnight, when the buzz of the day subsided and he was alone with his thoughts.
He read it. And he read it again. And one more time for good measure. And he hit "reply" and thought of a dozen different things to say. That he missed her. That he couldn't bear to think of a future without her. That he loved her, too, even if he had no idea what love really was, even though he never truly knew what it meant until he found it on her lips. It was all true, but he couldn't say that. It just wasn't right. Some things were just better left unsaid.
Sheldon took a few moments to ponder what he should do next. He opened another tab and typed with a purpose. He booked a flight to Texas leaving at 7:00 the next morning, which cost more than he anticipated since it was so last minute.
He closed his computer and went to bed, although, predictably, he didn't get much sleep. While waiting for the cab to take him to the airport, he tore out a piece of paper from one of his many notebooks and scratched out a note to Leonard. He doubted Leonard cared about his whereabouts anyway, but he figured he should explain his absence.
Leonard - I'm going out of town for a few days. I thought it best to give you some space and clear your head, just as I'm going to do. I'm sorry about all this. Maybe someday we can talk about it like adults. While it may be difficult to accept that I have emotions and romantic notions just like everyone else, I do. I hope you'll give me a chance to voice my dilemma when I get back, but if you don't, I'll understand.
Sheldon thought about emailing Amy, but he could deal with her later. He knew she went over to Penny's and demanded an explanation, and Penny probably explained it much better than he ever could.
Two and a half hours later, Sheldon sat in his seat on the plane, contemplating the experiences that led him to this moment. Penny's lips. Her curvaceous body. Her breath on his neck. The weight of her on top of him, the warmth and the lust. Her laugh, her smile, her voice. Their long talks, her unwavering faith in his knowledge, her ambition to be the biggest and best actress in the world. He was in love with her. He wanted to be with her. But that wasn't realistic and it never was. They were just too different, and there were too many other factors. What they'd done together wasn't black and white; it wasn't absolute. They were wrong for letting the affair get so out of hand, but they weren't wrong for following their hearts. In Leonard's eyes, Sheldon and Penny were bad people. But Sheldon didn't feel bad. Maybe it was because he finally took a chance and colored outside the lines for once in his life. Penny was worth it.
But while he looked out the window at the diamond-shaped landscapes on the ground, he knew it was over. So he closed his eyes and pondered a world without Penny. Now they'd only be together in their dreams.
*****
A/N - Two more chapters left! Thanks for reading :)
Author: Lizwontcry
Spoilers: Current season.
Rating/Warnings: It's all mature from here.
Disclaimer: I got nothin'.
Summary: After he asks her for advice on how to take his relationship with Amy to the next level, Sheldon and Penny are drawn to each other. How far will they take their attraction, and what will it cost them?
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"It was a good-bye kiss!"
In the six months she and Sheldon had been stealing kisses behind closed doors, Penny never imagined getting caught. She'd perfected the art of sneaking around as a teenager. She had spent a good deal of her life lying to various people-she was good at it. She'd honed and cultivated it. Hell, she was an actress. She lied for a living. Penny could probably write a "How To" guide on how to perfect the art of deception and successfully carry it out. Suffice it to say, she never expected getting caught. Penny had become so confident in her ability to lie and cover her tracks, she hadn't really taken any time to consider what she would do if anyone found out. In a way, Penny just assumed that it either wouldn't happen or that she would be able to lie her way out of it if it did.
But this was different. This, she couldn't lie about. Right there, on Leonard's computer screen was a picture of Penny and Sheldon embracing, passionately kissing, not even caring that they may have had an audience. There was nothing she could say or do to make that go away.
Over in his spot, Sheldon had no idea what was about to hit him. Penny wanted to go over to him, comfort him, tell him everything would be okay. But again, that was a lie. Nothing would be okay, and it probably wouldn't be for a long time. Everything that had gone unspoken for the past six months was being said in the picture.
"What? A kiss? Who is kissing who?" Howard got up to take a look, quickly followed by Bernadette and Amy. Raj had already figured out what this was about and gave Penny a look that she interpreted as "Well, it was nice knowing you." Sheldon was frozen in place. Penny was burying her face in her hands because in about four seconds, everything-
"What is this, bestie? I don't get it...were you guys rehearsing a scene or something?" Amy looked confused.
Penny pulled her hands away from her face and looked Amy right in the eye, momentarily forgetting her shame and guilt. Every part of her knew it was wrong, but she was about to ask Amy how she could be so naïve and stupid. She wanted to tell Amy that she wasn't sorry and didn't regret any of her actions, because she loved Sheldon. Penny would have said a million of other hurtful things, but thankfully Leonard spoke first.
"You see a picture of your best friend kissing your boyfriend and that's your reaction? I want to know what the fuck 'a good-bye kiss' is supposed to mean? How many kisses were there, exactly? That's the first thing I'd want to know. But that's just me." Leonard looked as though he was trying very hard to stay calm.
"Now, Leonard, let's let them explain. I'm sure Sheldon and Penny have an adequate reason for sticking their tongues down each other's throat like they were mining for gold-"
"Howie! Not helping." Bernadette did not look pleased with her husband.
Leonard slowly turned around and looked at the culprits. Sheldon was staring straight ahead. Penny was staring intensely at a piece of thread that was starting to unravel in her shorts. She'd have to retire the shorts soon. It was a shame; she really loved those shorts-
"So who wants to explain this to me? Not that I need an explanation. Clearly all the crap that's been happening around here for the last few months finally makes sense."
"Leonard, come on," Penny said softly. "This isn't what it looks like. It was a good-bye kiss!" She didn't know how that was going to make anything better, but he needed to know. She didn't want to lie anymore. But she didn't want to explain herself, either. They'd never get it. They'd never understand.
"Why were you saying goodbye in the first place?" Leonard was turning red. Oh, this was not going to end well. Beside him, Amy was also getting all riled up.
"Sheldon! Snap out of it and tell me you guys were rehearsing a scene or something. I know you wouldn't do this to me!"
Maybe it was the sound of normally calm and even-tempered Amy raising her voice that made Sheldon finally snap to attention. He rose from his spot and went over the Leonard's computer, something Penny should have warned him against doing-Leonard was likely to resent his very presence at the moment. Sheldon saw the picture of the kiss in question and was starting to say something when, in one quick motion, Leonard got up and shoved Sheldon toward the door. Hard. If Sheldon had been Leonard's size; if he hadn't been working out for the past couple of months and if he hadn't been aware of his surroundings, maybe Leonard would have succeeded in hurting Sheldon. But Sheldon didn't fall, and Leonard just ended up getting more frustrated.
"How could you do this to me? You know how I feel about her! You know!"
Sheldon cleared his throat, and he finally started talking.
"I know that you are attracted to Penny sexually. I know that you've confessed your feelings for her on many occasions, including the day we met her in the hallway when you knew nothing but her looks. And I also know you've never treated her the way she desires. She's not an object, Leonard. Penny deserves more than that."
"Oh, and I suppose whatever the two of you have going on is deep and meaningful? Because in this picture, it sure doesn't look like it."
"You don't know anything, Leonard! You can't-you have no idea!" Sheldon was so rarely at a loss for words. The fact that he was defending their affair made Penny's heart break all over again. It meant something to him; she meant something to him. And now it was on display for everyone to see and judge and she felt violated.
"Then why don't you explain it to me? If this is anything other than what it looks like, I'd love to hear an explanation."
Silence, deep and penetrating silence. The absence of noise did not mean that the room itself was quiet. Penny felt like this silence was louder than any noise she'd ever experienced, because this silence spoke volumes. How could they possibly explain and rationalize their actions, their deception, to the others? How could they defend themselves when they both knew that what they had done was wrong? Penny immediately knew that her and Sheldon had been quiet for too long when Leonard started to speak again.
"Someone is going to have to start talking because nobody is leaving this apartment until we figure this out. I want answers and I want them now."
It went without saying, but Penny had never seen Leonard this angry. And frankly, she had no idea what he was capable of when he was in this state. Everyone always thought of him as a scrawny geek, but Penny knew there was a question mark in there somewhere; a screw loose in that giant brain of his.
"Amy and I had just gotten in from Switzerland. I visited Penny at her workplace to say hello. Things got out of hand. That is what happened. And I will thank you kindly to not keep our friends trapped in our living quarters-"
"I do not give a flying dog shit about what you will thank me kindly for. Why did you visit Penny at work? She never let me do that. She never wanted me there. Why was she breaking the rules for you?"
Silence again. Penny closed her eyes and hoped when she opened them again, she'd be somewhere else. Like Hawaii. Or dead.
Howard, Bernadette and Raj were now in the kitchen, trying to keep themselves occupied yet not taking their eyes away from Leonard's increasing insanity. Amy was still staring at the picture on the computer, Sheldon had moved from Leonard's side to his own computer, and Penny retreated to the couch to watch the rest of this drama unfold.
Leonard looked like he was about to explode. His face was beginning to turn purple from the lack of oxygen; Penny couldn't remember the last time she saw him take a breath. Leonard turned to Amy and addressed her, like they were the only four people in the room.
"Okay, if none of you assholes are going to talk, I think I've managed to put the pieces together. Some time ago, Penny and Sheldon started to see each other behind our backs, Amy. Who knows why, or how, or what they were thinking, or how they could do that to us. That's not important. What is important is how Penny lied to me and said she had 'an infection' and couldn't mess around when in fact she was messing around, just not with me. What's also important, Amy, is that the two of them went to Vegas when you and I were out of town. And who knows what disgusting crap they did to each other there. What do you think, Penny? Sheldon? Am I getting this right?"
"No," Sheldon and Penny said together.
"NO! No, you didn't go to Vegas together? You haven't been sticking your tongues down each other's throats? What are you saying no to, exactly?"
Penny didn't look at Amy. Nobody looked at Amy. This was hard enough without having to deal with knowing what was going through Amy's head. Sheldon cleared his throat again and decided to speak for himself and Penny, who seemed to have lost the ability to talk.
"Yes. Yes, Leonard, those things did happen as you describe. But not in the way you're assuming. It was not some lustful affair we threw ourselves into, as you are inclined to think."
This only made Leonard angrier. "What the hell are you trying to say, Sheldon? That you're in love with Penny? Because the last time I checked, you didn't have the capability to love anyone."
Regardless of what anyone might have thought of Sheldon's inability to have appropriate emotions given the circumstances, this statement made him angry. He was a human being and just as capable of getting his feelings destroyed as anyone else. Leonard was a good friend, but he was always dismissing Sheldon's emotions when they didn't fit Leonard's perception. In this scenario, that wasn't going to work. Maybe it was time Sheldon stood up for himself. Maybe it was time for the dynamics of this friendship to shift.
"I think that what I think is love and what you think is love are two very different things. My definition of love is more than sex and convenience, which is clearly what the two of you have in common."
This time, Leonard was able to knock Sheldon to the ground. Just with the sheer force of his fist. Penny finally got up and ran to Sheldon. In mere seconds, Bernadette bolted over with some ice to put on Sheldon's eye, which Leonard basically pummeled.
"Sheldon! Are you okay?" Penny kneeled beside him and held his head in her hands. She applied the ice to his face, which made him inhale sharply. Penny never thought they'd be here. At this point. How did they get here? Why did they let it come this far? In her life, Penny didn't spend a lot of time thinking about morals and beliefs. But now she was starting to think that maybe she really was a bad person. Looking at all the people she'd hurt by her impulsiveness was making her see how truly bad she'd messed up this time. Sheldon didn't look much better. And now he'd have a black eye to prove it.
"Oh, aren't you the helpful nurse! I'm sure if I was the one on the ground, you couldn't care less. You'd probably leave me there to die. By the way, are you just going to sit there, Sheldon? You don't want to hit me back? Come on, I'll give you one free hit. You've ripped my heart out, anyway, what's one less organ?" God, Leonard was so dramatic sometimes.
Sheldon shook his head. "I'm not a violent person, Leonard. I don't think it will accomplish anything to hit you. "
"Figures," Leonard said, shaking his head. "You get to be the noble hero and I get to be the asshole."
Enough. Penny had enough. Yes, Leonard was entitled to be mad about the situation. Yes, he was justified in making the two of them feel terrible about what they've done. But he was not allowed to be a fifth grade bully. They were adults and this was getting ridiculous.
"Shut up, Leonard! Shut. Up. You have no idea what happened with us! It was never about you. It wasn't about Amy. Sheldon cares…he cares about me. And I care about him. And we have a lot in common. And we let that get the best of us for a few months, but it's over now. I know that won't be of any comfort to you right now, but it's over. And may I remind you, we're not even together anymore, nor have we been for a while now. You need to get the hell off your high horse."
Leonard chuckled. It was not a polite chuckle, or a happy chuckle. Penny suddenly became very nervous about how this was all going to end.
"I should have expected this, really. You know, when you made that huge stink about having that musician asshole crash at your place, I knew you had a past. But it's taken me this long to realize it isn't just the past. It's the past, present and future. Once a whore, always a whore."
And that's when Sheldon got up and punched Leonard in the face. Leonard doubled over and grunted and shrieked. Everyone in the room stared at the scene in confusion and excitement. At that point, most of them were on Sheldon and Penny's side (Except for Amy, obviously), due to Leonard's immature reaction and irrational assumptions. Leonard was his own worst enemy here.
"What happened to you not believing in violence?" Howard asked Sheldon with admiration in his voice.
"Apparently I now believe in it when it's necessary," Sheldon said. "Penny does not deserve to be spoken to in such a way, no matter how angry Leonard is."
Penny wanted to hug Sheldon-he was so courageous sometimes. But that definitely would have only added fuel to the already raging fire. Sheldon probably figured he was defending her honor and she loved that.
Instead, she leaned down into Leonard's face on the floor and said, "You deserved that, asshole! I may be a whore, but you're going to end up a lonely old man because you ruin every single relationship you're in. With your insecurity and selfishness and immaturity. At least when I'm old and lonely, I'll remember the man who loved me not because I let him have sex with me, but because he loved who I was. He didn't judge me. And he did the right thing out of respect for the people he cared about."
Penny couldn't take it anymore, and knew if she didn't leave right then, she would break down in front of all of them. She couldn't let that happen. She got up and looked around the room. All of her friends were staring at her. Penny just shrugged; she opened the door, closed it calmly, walked the few feet across the hall, opened that door and then closed it calmly. Once she got inside, she collapsed against the door and cried. Cried so hard, she was sure everyone across the hall could hear. Cried so hard, it gave her a headache. After an hour or so of sobbing, she got up and rooted around in her cabinets for some Motrin. She swallowed three of them and tried to figure out what to do with herself. She wasn't needed on set for a few days, but she didn't want to stay home, either. Thinking about being across the hall from all that drama made her head hurt even more.
So she texted Elena. Can I stay with you for a few days? Long story...
Seconds later, her phone buzzed. Of course. I'm at a party right now but I'll come pick you up in an hour.
Well, at least she still had one friend left.
Penny sank into her couch. She drank some wine and thought about what had gone down. She didn't really care that much about Leonard and his crazy reaction. He'd get over it eventually. Or not, whatever. What she cared about was what Sheldon was going to do now. He worked and lived with Leonard, had a relationship with Amy...what was he going to do? Where was he going to live? It surprised Penny that she had more empathy for his situation than hers. And she realized she really must be in love with the guy if that was true.
Someone knocked on her door. Unfortunately it wasn't nine knocks, which is what she wanted most in the world. She took another swig of wine and said resignedly, "Come in."
For some reason, Penny wasn't expecting Amy to come through her door. She was expecting Bernadette or possibly Elena (even though she would have had to have the ability of flight to get to Penny's so fast) but it was Amy. Looking how one would expect someone in her situation to look-heartbroken. Destroyed. Devastated. Like she was never going to trust anyone ever again.
Amy sat down next to Penny. Penny didn't say anything. She knew she needed to hear what Amy was going to say-she deserved it.
Amy was quiet for a while. Well, not quiet-she was crying. Penny knew she didn't want a hug from the person who'd been deceiving her for six months, so she kept her distance. The crying and the quiet went on for an unnervingly long time, but then she began to speak.
"When I was maybe 12 years old, I had skipped a few grades in school. I was in ninth grade, and all the other girls were a lot more experienced than me. They had long legs and perky breasts and they made out with boys in cars and I'd always listen in on their conversations and get jealous of their amazing lives. Me, I was on an academic mission and nothing was going to stop me, but I had hormones just like everyone else. I had the biggest crush on this boy I was in orchestra with. I played the harp and he played the viola. His name was Sergio and I convinced myself I was in love with him. Well, some of the older girls must have noticed because they dared him to ask me out. Yep, dared him.
"I won't go into specifics of the date because I'm sure you can guess what happened. It was bad enough that I swore off dating until I graduated, and when I graduated I realized no one wanted to date me, so I swore it off for even longer. I only went on dates to please my mother. I never met a single person I had any romantic interest in, ever. And then I met Sheldon. And just when I thought I was getting somewhere with him...just when I thought he really cared about me, I find out that my best friend has been betraying me for months. I don't understand. How-why?"
"Honestly? I didn't do this to you. Yes, you are my friend and I felt guilty that I was doing something that would hurt you. But I didn't do it intentionally. It wasn't like…it's not like I did this to you on purpose. And, Amy, Sheldon does really care about you. And it really was a good-bye kiss. Because he wants to be with you. He wants to make it right with you. I can't emphasize that enough. He picked you."
"I'm sure you can understand how little comfort that is to me right now. Look, I have some questions that I would like for you to answer truthfully. Leonard seemed to figure out a lot of things I have yet to discover. So please tell me, when did this affair of yours start?"
"Oh, Amy, it wasn't exactly an affair..."
"Just answer the question. I think I deserve that much."
Penny sighed. She hadn't been prepared for this conversation but she probably owed it to Amy, anyway. It was karma. Penny had always believed in karma, and now it had come to bite her in the ass.
"Fine. You're right. It started six months ago. Sheldon came to me and asked me to assist him with a problem he was having. You wanted the relationship to become more physical and he was willing to make that happen, but he was afraid of disappointing you. So he asked me for a kissing lesson. At first I looked at it as an acting challenge, but the moment he kissed me, I knew it was more than that. And...well, yeah. That's when it started."
"Interesting. So am I right to assume that before Sheldon and I reached another level of intimacy, he first, um, rehearsed this with you? Every time?"
"Yes."
"And you went to Las Vegas with him? I can't even get him to go to my great aunt's birthday party and you got him to Vegas. What did you do there, exactly?"
"Um, well, we played cards. Ate a lot. Went to a Garth Brooks show. And a train museum."
Amy nodded, taking this all in. Penny was torn between feeling like the worst person in the history of the world, and feeling like Amy should speed it up and get this over with. Why prolong the agony? Why did she want to know every single detail? Why was she torturing herself like this?
"I don't want to ask this question, I really don't-"
"Then don't, Amy. Just don't ask."
"I'm afraid I have to. I'm a scientist. I need all the information. Am I correct in assuming that he had coitus with you before we went to Switzerland?"
"Yes. Once."
Amy took her glasses off and rubbed her eyes.
"He lost his virginity. To you."
"Yes."
"Before I got a chance to be with him first. To lose my flower to him. To have these experiences together."
"Yes. I'm sorry. I don't...I don't know what to say."
"Seriously, Penny. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm a nice person...I've made many unique scientific discoveries that have been written about in important journals. I'm smart, I'm feisty, I have a good rack..."
Penny didn't know what having a good rack had to do with the affair...Amy's train of thought was derailing pretty quickly. "Again, we didn't do it to spite you, Amy. It was just something that happened. It got out of control. There were...feelings involved and we didn't handle it very well. I got swept up in the drama, I'll be the first to admit. It was selfish and it was irrational and it felt right to me at the time. But he made a choice. You are his choice. You are the one he wants to be with."
"Oh, lucky me, I get a cheating bastard for a partner. Thank you, Penny. Thank you for giving him to me. I'm so happy."
"Gee, Amy, the sarcasm is a little much, don't you think? You know what, there were two people in this situation. Two of us. Why aren't you yelling at him right now?" Penny felt bad about throwing Sheldon under the bus, but she didn't want to be the only person to blame, either.
Amy glared at Penny, and for some reason, Penny had a hard time caring.
"He'll get what's coming to him, don't worry about that. But he went to bed. I think Leonard may have given him a concussion."
"Oh, crap. Is he going to be okay? Do we need to take him to the hospital? Isn't sleeping when you have a concussion a bad idea?"
For a moment, Amy was distracted from her anger. She looked unsettled by Penny's questions. "No. That's a myth. You really do care about him, don't you?"
"That's not it, I'm just concerned-"
"Penny. No more lies. I will repeat: you care about him, don't you?"
Penny nodded. "Yes. I...goddammit, Amy, I love the guy. So much. I was fine without him for so long and then we kissed and everything changed. I love him. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it."
Amy took this all in. "Does he love you?" Ah. The question that was on everyone's minds.
"I don't know. Sometimes I think he does. Or he could. But he's never said the words out loud." It felt nice to be honest for once. Refreshing. But the truth stung. And now it lingered in the air for them both to ponder.
"I have one more question and then I'll take my leave. I have a feeling we won't be seeing each other for a while and I guess I'll just have to deal with that. My question is this: I legitimately thought I was your best friend. I've never had a best friend before...hell, I've never really had many friends period. But I'm pretty sure friends don't sleep with each other's boyfriends. Why did you do this to me? Were you jealous? You're so used to being the "Queen Bee" that you had to take Sheldon away from me? Come to think of it, you slept with Raj, too. Gosh, Penny, all you have left is Howard. Too bad he's married now."
Penny chuckled. Maybe Amy was trying to hurt her, but it wasn't anything Penny hadn't thought of herself already. But it still annoyed her. Enough to lay down exactly the way she felt about her 'bestie'.
"You know what…I never signed up to be your best friend. You just assumed we were. I've tried to be a good friend to you, Amy, but I never signed up to be 'besties'. I'm nobody's best friend. I have to look out for myself; it's always been that way. No, you're right, real friends don't sleep with each other's boyfriends. But this was never about you or Leonard; that's what I keep saying. It was between me and Sheldon. And now it's over."
"It certainly is. Well, now that we've gotten that all cleared up, I think I'll take my leave. It was nice while it lasted, Penny. But I guess that was all in my head, right?" And then she got up, flung open the door, slammed it, and she was gone.
Penny curled up on her couch and waited for Elena to collect her. She desperately wanted to hear those nine knocks before she left, but they never came. She knew it was a bad idea but she wanted one last night. Her and Sheldon against the world. Then they could deal with reality in the morning. But he didn't call or text or email or tweet or write on her wall. Radio silence. And it broke her heart.
Finally Elena arrived. Penny threw some of her crap in a bag and grabbed her laptop on the way out. Elena didn't try to make conversation until they were in the car and on the move.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Elena finally asked.
Penny sighed, tapped a few keys on her phone, and showed Elena the incriminating picture while they sat at a red light.
"Oh. Oh, no. Leonard saw this, didn't he?"
"Oh, yes. Everyone did."
"That's not good."
"No. No, it's not."
Sensing that Penny didn't want to elaborate, Elena stopped talking. They arrived at Elena's apartment, which was covered floor to ceiling in gothic decorating. She'd even painted the walls black, which made the place somewhat scary and foreboding. It was exactly where Penny wanted to be. It reflected her mood and she figured if her soul was an actual physical substance, it would be as black as Elena's walls.
Elena had a spare bedroom and Penny crashed on the bed, not wanting to ever open her eyes again. She felt Elena sit next to her and she said, without looking up, "I interrupted your date, didn't I?"
"You did. We were at a party. Things were about to get interesting."
Penny moaned. "Was she really hot?"
"The hottest girl I've ever seen in maybe my entire life. The best part? She's never seen a soap opera. Ever. We basically had nothing to talk about. So we made out instead."
Penny chuckled, but also felt a strange pang of jealousy.
"So anyway, I'm going to get up early tomorrow and go jogging, but feel free to sleep in. You need it...you look like crap right now."
"Oh, thanks. I think I will. I need to write a few emails when I wake up, anyway."
"Cool. The WiFi password is IHEARTAXLROSE. No spaces."
And with that, Penny burst into uncontrollable tears. Elena didn't know what to do about this random breakdown her new friend was having, so she just held her hand and let her cry. And cry. And cry. Until Penny cried herself to sleep.
*****
Penny slept until 11:00. She slowly rose, made some coffee, had some of Elena's Fruit Loops. She set up her laptop on the kitchen table and checked Twitter and Facebook to see if Sheldon left her any messages. He hadn't. Reluctantly, she opened her email. Nothing there, either.
Her first mission of the day was first was to email Leonard. She didn't have much to say to him and she was sure he didn't want to hear from her anyway but she felt like she owed him something.
Leonard - I know you don't want to hear from me right now. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you and I know it might be a long time, if ever, before we're able to repair our friendship. You did-DO-mean a lot to me. Just not what I meant to you.
Sincerely, Penny.
After another cup of coffee and a few deep breaths, Penny wrote another email, this time to Sheldon.
Sheldon - I'm sorry for the way this happened, but I'll never be sorry for exploring what exists between us, or the experiences that we shared. I will never forget watching you close your eyes and sing along to Garth Brooks. You knew every word to every song. I loved that.
I know I might not see you again for a long time and I guess I'll have to live with that. But I want you to know it was worth it. And I meant everything I said. I'm in love with you, and that doesn't just go away when I don't get to see you every day. You are strong and courageous and the smartest man I know. I know you'll win that Nobel Prize. I only wish I could be there to share it with you.
Love, Penny.
A few minutes later, Elena came jogging back inside. She opened the refrigerator and retrieved an apple and a bottle of water. Penny knew she was going to have to adopt this same lifestyle soon if she was going to play her twin onstage. No more Fruit Loops.
"What's up?" Elena asked after taking a drink of the water and a bite of her apple.
Penny inhaled, exhaled, and said what had been on her mind for weeks now. It was time for a new start. A clean slate.
"Let's do it. Let's go to New York. I'm ready."
Elena grinned. "I knew you'd eventually say yes! Ohmygod, I'm so excited. We'll have to tell the producers tomorrow at work. I can't wait to see what kind of traumatic accident they will invent for our characters. Oh, and I'll email Alan, the director of the play. He's going to be stoked. And we have to find a place to live!" She shrieked happily and the two of them did a little sisterly dance.
Penny didn't want to leave Sheldon behind, but it was time to think about her future. Time to move on. Time to write the next chapter of her life. Even if she had to do it kicking and screaming.
*****
Sheldon saw the email the second it appeared in his inbox. But he didn't read it. He was at work and had so many things to attend to that keeping Penny off his mind wasn't even that hard. Leonard took the day off, which Sheldon was eternally grateful for-he'd have to face him again eventually, probably even when he got home, but he needed the few hours of solitude that work would bring. Word had traveled around the department that Sheldon was definitely getting the Nobel Prize, and people were congratulating him all day. He didn't check his email again until nearly midnight, when the buzz of the day subsided and he was alone with his thoughts.
He read it. And he read it again. And one more time for good measure. And he hit "reply" and thought of a dozen different things to say. That he missed her. That he couldn't bear to think of a future without her. That he loved her, too, even if he had no idea what love really was, even though he never truly knew what it meant until he found it on her lips. It was all true, but he couldn't say that. It just wasn't right. Some things were just better left unsaid.
Sheldon took a few moments to ponder what he should do next. He opened another tab and typed with a purpose. He booked a flight to Texas leaving at 7:00 the next morning, which cost more than he anticipated since it was so last minute.
He closed his computer and went to bed, although, predictably, he didn't get much sleep. While waiting for the cab to take him to the airport, he tore out a piece of paper from one of his many notebooks and scratched out a note to Leonard. He doubted Leonard cared about his whereabouts anyway, but he figured he should explain his absence.
Leonard - I'm going out of town for a few days. I thought it best to give you some space and clear your head, just as I'm going to do. I'm sorry about all this. Maybe someday we can talk about it like adults. While it may be difficult to accept that I have emotions and romantic notions just like everyone else, I do. I hope you'll give me a chance to voice my dilemma when I get back, but if you don't, I'll understand.
Sheldon thought about emailing Amy, but he could deal with her later. He knew she went over to Penny's and demanded an explanation, and Penny probably explained it much better than he ever could.
Two and a half hours later, Sheldon sat in his seat on the plane, contemplating the experiences that led him to this moment. Penny's lips. Her curvaceous body. Her breath on his neck. The weight of her on top of him, the warmth and the lust. Her laugh, her smile, her voice. Their long talks, her unwavering faith in his knowledge, her ambition to be the biggest and best actress in the world. He was in love with her. He wanted to be with her. But that wasn't realistic and it never was. They were just too different, and there were too many other factors. What they'd done together wasn't black and white; it wasn't absolute. They were wrong for letting the affair get so out of hand, but they weren't wrong for following their hearts. In Leonard's eyes, Sheldon and Penny were bad people. But Sheldon didn't feel bad. Maybe it was because he finally took a chance and colored outside the lines for once in his life. Penny was worth it.
But while he looked out the window at the diamond-shaped landscapes on the ground, he knew it was over. So he closed his eyes and pondered a world without Penny. Now they'd only be together in their dreams.
*****
A/N - Two more chapters left! Thanks for reading :)