Pandora's Box - Chapter 11
Title: Pandora's Box - chapter eleven
Author: Lizwontcry
Spoilers: Current season.
Rating/Warnings: It's all mature from here.
Disclaimer: I got nothin'.
Summary: After he asks her for advice on how to take his relationship with Amy to the next level, Sheldon and Penny are drawn to each other. How far will they take their attraction, and what will it cost them?
one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven/ eight/ nine/ ten
Sheldon Lee Cooper is stubborn. He's an emotionally-stunted boy in his thirties. He's selfish. He plays with toys and he's too fascinated by trains. His routine is too rigid; he has days of the week pajamas. He's not spontaneous and he doesn't get sarcasm.
Sheldon Lee Cooper is a coward.
These were all the things Penny tried to tell herself in Sheldon's absence. At first she was sad, then she was angry, then she was indifferent, and now she's angry again. He could have picked her. They could have dealt with their situation in a mature manner that would have satisfied everyone. Okay, that was hard to picture, but maybe they could have broken up with their respective partners, dated secretly for a few months, and then break the news slowly and gently to Leonard and Amy. They could have explained that they never meant to hurt anyone, it just happened. Then Leonard could find a nice girl who was better educated than Penny (she always knew that's what he wanted, anyway) and Amy could find a man who could satisfy her sexually and everyone would be happy.
Instead, Sheldon terminated their illicit affair and now he was in Switzerland with Amy. It was probably all romantic and sexy and seductive. They'd be sharing a hotel room for months. Oh, that was another thing-a few days before the trip, Sheldon was told that instead of three weeks, the trip was now for two months, at the very least. They were sending an entire team and they weren't leaving until they could confirm the existence of the Higgs boson particle.
After the wedding, there were thankfully only a few days left before Sheldon took off. Penny found it unbearable to be in his presence and avoided him at all costs. There was talk of a going away party but that was vetoed since everyone was still tired and broke after the wedding. Sheldon didn't seem to mind the cancellation but Amy was rather disappointed she wasn't getting a party in her honor.
The day Sheldon and Amy left town, Penny was at home, curled up in a ball on her couch. She didn't have to go to work and she was going to spend the entirety of the day in eternal misery. The ice cream and wine were all ready to go. She was going to get drunk and fat and cry and find pictures of Sheldon in his Facebook and print them out and draw on his face because that's what she felt like doing. And then tomorrow Penny would get up, smile, and go about her life. Sheldon was no longer a part of it and she'd have to be okay with that.
She wasn't prepared for the nine knocks. Not at all. Not even close. She was so startled that she just stared at the door for a few seconds in confusion. And then the knocking started again.
In a daze, Penny stumbled off the couch and opened the door.
"What the hell do you want? Aren't you going to be late for your romantic rendezvous with Amy?"
Sheldon blinked. And at that moment, she was torn. Maybe he didn't deserve her barrage of anger. So he didn't want to rock the boat. He didn't want to disturb the delicate balance of relationships that currently existed. Did she really have the right to be mad about that? And yet part of her believed that absolutely she had the right to be mad about that. She was prepared to give up everything to be with him and he was too much of a chump to give up anything. He wanted what she had to give and not give anything in return. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, and she was pissed.
"I thought it might be appropriate to say goodbye. That is what friends do before they leave for an extended journey, isn't it?"
Penny scoffed. "Yeah. Friends."
Sheldon glanced at the already opened bottle of wine and the pint of ice cream melting in the container on the table. He gave Penny a once-over while he was at it. Penny knew she looked like shit. Part of her was glad he was seeing her like this. And part of her just wanted to slide away and disappear from all the awkwardness.
"Penny...are you going to be okay? I can perhaps alter my plans for a few days-"
"Please, Sheldon. Don't flatter yourself. I'll be fine. You can scurry off and have fun with Amy's bloomers guilt-free."
Sheldon sighed. "Penny, it was never my intention to hurt you. I was only doing what was best for both of us. Please understand that."
Penny knew he was right but wasn't in the mood to accept this yet.
"Really? Then how come both of us are miserable? How come neither of us are getting what we want? Oh, that's right, it's just me who is miserable and I won't get what I want."
Sheldon looked confused and sad. She had no idea what to do because she'd already taken this too far. So she said nothing and just glared at him until he sighed again and walked out the door.
But before he closed it, he said, "That's not true. It was never true. And if you think it is true, you don't know me at all." And then he left, and she cried, and she wondered what the hell he meant by that, what wasn't true? What was never true? That she was the only one who didn't get what she wanted? Ugh, this was all so utterly exhausting.*****Sheldon had been gone for a few weeks and Penny missed him more than she could possibly understand. It wasn't even the sex or the closeness or the feelings she missed the most, although those things were a factor. She missed his friendship. She missed his snarky commentary and weird nonsensical routines. She missed Vintage Game night, Halo night, Anything Can Happen Thursday. She missed him. Just a few years ago she couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him, but now Penny couldn't imagine life without the guy. And that was the first time she started to regret the affair. If it meant she lost his friendship...that would be devastating. But the blame was on both of them for ending up in this situation. He was the one who asked her for "lessons" and she was the one who gave him one. This was both their faults and they were both going to have to learn to deal with it.
Leonard wasn't doing much better. She thought he would find Sheldon's absence liberating-he didn't have to drive anyone anywhere, he could turn the thermostat to 60 degrees and not endure Sheldon's endless bitching, he could use the bathroom at any time of the day...but Leonard was kind of lost. He ended up staying at Penny's most of the time, which she didn't mind-not anymore. They needed to fix this relationship. She needed to go back to the reasons why she fell for him in the first place. There had to be some other reason they were together than just sex and convenience. When Sheldon let her go, she promised to put everything she had into this relationship with Leonard. And that's what she was trying to do.
On one particularly sad evening in which Penny just couldn't seem to get herself out of a shame spiral, Leonard came over with Mexican food and they ate it by candlelight. They watched the Devil Wears Prada while Leonard gave her a foot massage. Later, she changed into his favorite lingerie and they had sex right there on the couch. Penny made it an award-winning performance and Leonard appreciated every moment.
In the afterglow, they sat together, naked under a blanket, holding hands.
"That was nice. I've missed these nights together. I'm glad you got over your infection," Leonard said without a hint of sarcasm.
"Oh, yeah, me, too. It was so uncomfortable." Someday she was going to run out of lies.
But apparently that day wasn't coming soon. Leonard followed up this statement with a question that took Penny by surprise completely. She should have been planning for it; had a back-up plan or an acceptable reason or excuse or something. Of course Leonard was suspicious. He wasn't blind. Penny suddenly felt very stupid. Not to mention guilty.
"Penny...I couldn't help but notice. You are being much more attentive and loving and caring and, well, the sex just now...it seems to coincide with Sheldon being out of the country. You can see why I'd think that was a little strange, can't you?"
"Well...yes," she said, and couldn't think of a single word to say next. To outright deny it would look suspicious but what could she say that wasn't a total confession?
Leonard took her hand and looked at her sympathetically. "I'm not mad, okay? But I want to know what's going on. And don't say 'nothing'. I won't call you out on it but you and I will still both know there's something going on there. So just make it easier on both of us and tell me."
She couldn't tell him everything. It would hurt him too much. And just like Sheldon, Penny was a coward. Thinking about how it would play out made her head hurt-she would tell Leonard that she and Sheldon had been seeing each other for months, making out whenever possible; that she had taken his virginity, that, yes, she did go to Las Vegas and she took Sheldon with her. He didn't need to know any of that, whether he thought he wanted to or not.
But obviously they were at some kind of crossroads. She couldn't tell him that there was nothing wrong because clearly there was something very wrong. So she decided to go with a version of the truth.
"I don't know, Leonard, it's really hard to explain...I guess since Amy has become so important to Sheldon, I've felt a little bit left out. And you know how I get-I start living in my head and everything gets worse and I blow things out of proportion. I started thinking of Sheldon in a different way, and maybe I thought I had feelings for him...but now that he's gone, I think I was just confused. I'm sorry that I was so distant for a while. But I'm here now and even when he comes back, I will still be here. I'm over it. I needed some distance, and I got it, and I'm over it."
It was actually true.
Just not the entire truth.
She expected this to not go over well, but Leonard didn't look fazed, actually.
"Does he know?"
"Oh, no. You know him. Completely oblivious to anything like that."
"Well…thank you for telling me. I'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where we can be honest with each other."
"You're not mad?" This was a weird version of the Leonard she'd come to know over the years. It was nice. And strange.
"I'm not going to say I'm happy, no. But I knew something was going on and I'm just glad you were honest with me about it. I actually understand what you mean-you were the only girl in our circle for a long time and then Sheldon meets Amy and Howard meets Bernadette and you feel threatened. You're not getting all the attention anymore. But, Penny, even if they do have girlfriends, that doesn't mean you're forgotten. We all respect and like you; we'd never forget you or cast you out. And you know I love you."
No, no, no, he was getting it all wrong! That's not what Penny felt. It wasn't about that. But she didn't correct him. It was too complicated to explain and she didn't want to, anyway. This thing was between her and Sheldon, and it would die with her and Sheldon.
"Thanks for understanding." She kissed him, they went back to holding hands, and it was just fine, and everything would be just fine.*****For the first month in Switzerland, Sheldon was so busy he didn't even have time to think about romance or making out or Garth Brooks or any of the things that consumed him back in Pasadena. It was a relief, actually. Even Amy seemed fascinated by the work being done and didn't pressure him to be a better boyfriend or whatever the crap she was constantly harassing him about on any given day.
Seeing the CERN Super Collider up close was almost a spiritual experience for Sheldon. He'd waited so long to see this thing in all of its magnificence. And he was so disappointed when he was too sick to go when Leonard finally invited him a few years ago. Now he was here with countless other physicists and it was time to get the work done. This is what his life had been about up to this point. And if he didn't come back with some kind of new evidence of Higgs boson, he'd have to find something else to dedicate his research and experiments to. It was now or never, make it or break it, go big or go home.
So he spent hours, days, weeks researching and experimenting and he was finally getting somewhere. All his peers wanted to know what he was up to, but Sheldon kept his results to himself. They would have done the same.
After a long day of fruitful experiments, Amy had finally managed to talk Sheldon into ordering room service in the hotel room. He wanted to stay at the research facility and perform a few more experiments, but actually, he was exhausted. Sheldon admitted to Amy that he could use the rest, even if he didn't want the rest.
The two of them ordered burgers and fries and watched a documentary on beavers. Sheldon wanted to put on his pajamas and go to sleep, but Amy wanted something else. She was good about keeping her hands to herself during the day, but at night in their hotel room was a different story. She wanted to touch him everywhere all the time. Sharing a bed with her was quite a challenge...as much as he enjoyed the release of a good orgasm, he'd rather just be left alone when it was time to sleep. She liked to cuddle. He didn't. It was becoming a problem but he didn't want to say anything and upset the balance of their relationship while they were so far away from home.
When the burgers were digested and the beavers were busy building dams, Amy put her hand on his thigh and he inwardly sighed. This was going to be a thing. He knew when Amy was going to make something a thing and this was going to be a thing.
"Sheldon, I've thought about it and I want to make a proposal. You've been working very hard on your project and I've helped as much as possible. I think tonight we should reward ourselves with the gift of sexual intercourse. We've been together for a long time, we have strong feelings towards each other, we've gone to every other base except home, to use the baseball terms our friends are so fond of using."
"Come on, Amy, it's been a long day. I'm tired. Can't we have coitus another night?"
Amy sighed. "You know what, Sheldon, I'm starting to agree with Penny on your usage of 'coitus'. Sex. I want to have sex, and I would like to do it tonight. I promise it'll be worthy of your time." The mention of Penny made his stomach hurt a little. He wondered if that would ever stop. It hadn't so far.
Amy kissed him softly and he pulled her closer to him. After a great deal of making out, she unbuttoned his pants and whispered, "Please? Let's do this tonight, Sheldon. I'll make it worth it for you, I promise."
Although his male friends were always talking about sex like it was no big deal, Sheldon had grown up to believe otherwise. His mother always told him that sex should be a sacred act to participate in only when married and that premarital sex is a deadly sin. But he'd shot that one to hell already with Penny, so he figured why not dig himself a little deeper with Amy. She wanted it, she deserved it, and he was curious to see what it would be like with someone else.
And so it happened. Sheldon had to remember that he was supposed to be a virgin, which wasn't that hard since he'd only done it once. Amy fumbled with the condom and they awkwardly tried to position themselves. It lasted a little too long for Sheldon's enjoyment, but t wasn't entirely unpleasant and Amy looked pleased with the event. They both took showers and went to bed. But Sheldon couldn't sleep. Because he realized that he'd been thinking about Penny the entire time he was having coitus with Amy. Penny on top of him, Penny squeezing her thighs as she rode him over and over again. Penny's soft kisses, Penny's pink nipples, her wetness spreading on his hardness. Sex with Amy would probably never feel like that.
Had Sheldon made the wrong decision?
He didn't think so. Amy may not have been amazing in bed, but she was a good girlfriend. His intellectual equal. Amy was rational and smart and not impulsive and...well, she was the opposite of Penny. That's what he needed. He and Amy would have things to discuss over dinner every night; interesting things. Things other than the latest rose ceremony or those high heels she saw in a store window and couldn't stop thinking about.
But Sheldon knew that wasn't fair. Penny was more than what he first perceived her to be. She was funny and savvy and outgoing. She could have a conversation with just about anyone at any time. On first glance, he thought they'd have nothing in common; nothing to share, nothing to converse about, but he never ran out of things to talk about with her. It was just easier to think of her as his selfish neighbor who was dating his best friend and roommate. But something told him it wasn't that simple and it never would be.*****Dearest Bestie - Well, last night I finally made it happen with Sheldon. Yep, we had "coitus", LOL! It didn't make the earth move or anything but for both our first times, it was decent. I plan to practice as much as possible. By the time we get back to the States, we should be experts! I don't feel any different now that my flower has been taken. I do feel closer to Sheldon and I think he feels the same way. Maybe I'll tell him I love him before we do it again. Because I'm pretty sure I do. He's so dreamy!
Love ya like a sister,
Amy
Penny stared at the email for a long, long time. Eventually she silently closed her computer, threw it on the floor, curled up into a ball and cried. It was one of those heaving, soul-shaking kind of cries that cause headaches that last for days.
She'd get over this, right? She wasn't going to spend the rest of her life pining over someone she never really had, was she?*****While Amy and Sheldon were gone, Penny and Leonard would go on double dates with Howard and Bernadette pretty frequently. Penny was getting a bit weary of these excursions-Howard and Bernadette were still in the honeymoon stage of their marriage and they were so cute it made her want to vomit. Penny wondered what it felt like to be genuinely in love with someone, to want to spend the rest of her life with them. Because lately, she was starting to feel like she would never have something like that. Leonard was a good boyfriend and she was still doing everything possible to throw herself into the relationship like he deserved, but something was missing. This wasn't even about Sheldon for once. This was about her feelings for Leonard and his feelings for her.
On a humid, hot night in July, the four of them went to a nice Italian restaurant and shared some wine and some laughs. Bernadette and Penny talked about their reality shows and shoe sales at the mall and Leonard and Howard talked about the new Star Trek movie. They all had pasta and garlic bread and everyone was getting a bit toasty.
The couples shared desserts and Penny watched Howard and Bernadette feed each other and giggle, and she ached to have something as special as they did. Leonard tapped her on the shoulder and fed her some of his fruit, but it wasn't cute or genuine. Leonard didn't do stuff like that. He was just trying to keep up.
When every crumb of dessert had been eaten, Howard took out his wallet and said, "Let's get out of here. Bernadette and I have some baby-makin' to do."
Bernadette giggled and said, "Howie! Don't just announce it like that!"
"Wow, you guys are already trying?" Penny asked.
"Not really, but we're enjoying the practice," Howard said. Bernadette pinched him.
"Bernadette, I thought you didn't even want kids. I thought they disgusted you," Leonard said curiously.
"Howie's been working on changing my mind and I'm coming around. I don't know, ever since we got married I've been thinking long and hard about it. I think I do want a little Howie to take care of. I know that sounds old-fashioned but the biological clock is ticking!"
"She's right. We want a little Howie and a little Bernie. And maybe another one to add to the band. How many do you guys want?"
Penny couldn't help it-she choked on the water she was drinking.
"How many children do we want?"
"No, how many sheep do you want? Yes, children."
Penny and Leonard shared a glance and then they both shrugged.
"Zero," Penny said.
"Four," Leonard said.
Bernadette and Howard laughed. A lot.
"Oh, boy. You guys have got some talking to do," Bernadette said, looking at Penny sympathetically.
"Awkward," Howard added.
An hour later, Penny and Leonard were in his apartment making out. She was in Sheldon's spot, which turned her on for some reason. Eventually Leonard started unzipping her pants and tried to make things interesting. She was into it, but it occurred to her that they needed to have this talk once and for all. So she took his hand and said, "I think maybe we should talk before we start stripping for each other."
Leonard sighed. He was always cranky when she wanted to talk and he wanted sex.
"About what? We're kind of in the middle of something here."
"I'll just get to the point-you said you wanted four children."
Leonard looked surprised, like this was the last conversation he was expecting to have right now.
"Yes. Yes, I said that because it's what I want. I've always wanted a big family. I'm going to be a good father and my kids are going to have a mother who cares about them; who isn't afraid to show that she loves them. It's what I've always wanted and I want to make it happen sooner rather than later."
"Well, if it's going to be with me, it's going to be later. If it even happens at all. I don't want kids right now. Maybe not ever. I haven't decided yet, really."
"Well, you really should. We're not getting any younger here, Penny."
Penny exhaled. And then took a deep breath before asking the question.
"Leonard...do you see me as the mother of your children? Tell me the truth."
He looked at her. Really looked at her, as though he was seeing her for the first time. And she knew. She knew that ever since she told him about her feelings for Sheldon, he was feeling a little bit differently towards her. Maybe he didn't trust her as much or maybe he didn't respect her as much. Whatever it was, it was almost a relief. For most of their relationship, he looked at her like she could do no wrong. Put her on pedestal. And now he was finally seeing her for what she was. For how she felt. A fraud.
"I used to," he said softly. "And I probably can again. It's not your fault, Penny. Let's just give this one more try. We owe it to each other, don't you think?"
She smiled sadly. "We've being doing this beta test thing for a few months now, and the sparks just aren't there. I don't think it's going to get any better than this."
"But this isn't that bad, is it? Would it really be so bad if we kept doing it this way?"
Penny frowned. "You really want to keep something going because it isn't 'that bad'? What about passion? What about a love that consumes you; that challenges you, that makes you question your entire being? Maybe we had something like that a few years ago but too much has happened. Hell, you'd still be with Priya right now if she hadn't cheated on you."
"That's not fair. I don't even think about Priya anymore. You're the one I want, Penny."
Penny shook her head. "You don't want me. You want the idea of me. I can't live up to that. I never wanted to live up to that. I'm not perfect, Leonard. I have so many flaws, you can't even imagine. You can't keep looking at me like I'm the answer to your problems. It's too much pressure! And I have my own problems."
He sighed. "I just think we can get past those things. We're soul mates, we can make it work."
It didn't surprise Penny that Leonard thought they were soul mates-he had told her that many times. But it still scared the bajeesus out of her. How could he possibly think that? And how come she didn't even feel a shred of the same way? And how could she have kept this relationship going so long when she felt so different?
"Just because we live across the hall from each other doesn't make us soul mates. We have nothing in common. Yes, the sex is good, but it's not enough. I don't like thinking you keep me around so you'll have someone pretty on your arm at university functions, or so you have someone convenient to go to across the hall when you feel lonely. I mean...I do care about you. And I wanted this to work and I've been trying to make it work. And maybe it shouldn't be this hard. Maybe we shouldn't have to try."
Leonard nodded and didn't talk for a few minutes. Her heart was breaking for him, but this was for the best. They weren't soul mates. They weren't Ross and Rachel and they never would be.
He sniffed and then said, "Is this about Sheldon?"
And she wasn't lying when she said, "No. This has nothing to do with Sheldon. This is about me and you. What we want, and how we're on different paths."
"Well, is it about the kids? I don't…need kids. We can just babysit for Howard and Bernadette. That's fine with me."
This wasn't helping his case. She needed someone who would stand up to her. Who wouldn't just lay down and let her walk all over him.
"It's not about the kids. Okay? This is it, Leonard. Let's just accept it and move on. You're going to find someone who is way better for you than I am. Soon."
"I don't want to lose you..."
"You'll never lose me. I'll always be across the hall." She knew that wasn't what he meant. But it was all she could offer.
He nodded. They hugged and shared one last kiss, and before he could say anything else, she was gone. As soon as Penny walked across the hall and made it inside her apartment, she cried for the last time. She was single. Free. She could do anything she wanted and not have to answer to anyone. And she still couldn't stop thinking about Sheldon Cooper.*****In the computer lab, Sheldon was so close to figuring out the problem he'd been working on nonstop for days. A breakthrough was forthcoming, he was sure of it. Soon he was going to change the face of physics forever, and his life goal was going to be realized.
Next to him, Amy was checking her email. It was completely quiet in the lab when she jumped out of her chair and squeaked "Ohmygod!"
"What? Did you see a spider?" Sheldon questioned, preparing to jump out of his chair as well.
"No! I just got an email from Penny. She and Leonard broke up last night! Oh, no, I can't believe it. I have to get on a plane and go comfort her immediately."
He didn't even tell her to not be ridiculous-they still had work to do and Bernadette was there for her anyway. All he could think about was one simple fact-Penny did it. Even though he didn't have the courage to pull the trigger himself, she still held up her end of the bargain. She did it. That was one thing he admired about her. Penny wasn't weak. Maybe she had let her emotions lead the way during their entanglement together, but she wasn't weak. She knew what she wanted and went after it. And now Sheldon was in a foreign country with a woman he was just going through the motions with, and he never felt so lonely in his life.
Author: Lizwontcry
Spoilers: Current season.
Rating/Warnings: It's all mature from here.
Disclaimer: I got nothin'.
Summary: After he asks her for advice on how to take his relationship with Amy to the next level, Sheldon and Penny are drawn to each other. How far will they take their attraction, and what will it cost them?
one/ two/ three/ four/ five/ six/ seven/ eight/ nine/ ten
Sheldon Lee Cooper is stubborn. He's an emotionally-stunted boy in his thirties. He's selfish. He plays with toys and he's too fascinated by trains. His routine is too rigid; he has days of the week pajamas. He's not spontaneous and he doesn't get sarcasm.
Sheldon Lee Cooper is a coward.
These were all the things Penny tried to tell herself in Sheldon's absence. At first she was sad, then she was angry, then she was indifferent, and now she's angry again. He could have picked her. They could have dealt with their situation in a mature manner that would have satisfied everyone. Okay, that was hard to picture, but maybe they could have broken up with their respective partners, dated secretly for a few months, and then break the news slowly and gently to Leonard and Amy. They could have explained that they never meant to hurt anyone, it just happened. Then Leonard could find a nice girl who was better educated than Penny (she always knew that's what he wanted, anyway) and Amy could find a man who could satisfy her sexually and everyone would be happy.
Instead, Sheldon terminated their illicit affair and now he was in Switzerland with Amy. It was probably all romantic and sexy and seductive. They'd be sharing a hotel room for months. Oh, that was another thing-a few days before the trip, Sheldon was told that instead of three weeks, the trip was now for two months, at the very least. They were sending an entire team and they weren't leaving until they could confirm the existence of the Higgs boson particle.
After the wedding, there were thankfully only a few days left before Sheldon took off. Penny found it unbearable to be in his presence and avoided him at all costs. There was talk of a going away party but that was vetoed since everyone was still tired and broke after the wedding. Sheldon didn't seem to mind the cancellation but Amy was rather disappointed she wasn't getting a party in her honor.
The day Sheldon and Amy left town, Penny was at home, curled up in a ball on her couch. She didn't have to go to work and she was going to spend the entirety of the day in eternal misery. The ice cream and wine were all ready to go. She was going to get drunk and fat and cry and find pictures of Sheldon in his Facebook and print them out and draw on his face because that's what she felt like doing. And then tomorrow Penny would get up, smile, and go about her life. Sheldon was no longer a part of it and she'd have to be okay with that.
She wasn't prepared for the nine knocks. Not at all. Not even close. She was so startled that she just stared at the door for a few seconds in confusion. And then the knocking started again.
In a daze, Penny stumbled off the couch and opened the door.
"What the hell do you want? Aren't you going to be late for your romantic rendezvous with Amy?"
Sheldon blinked. And at that moment, she was torn. Maybe he didn't deserve her barrage of anger. So he didn't want to rock the boat. He didn't want to disturb the delicate balance of relationships that currently existed. Did she really have the right to be mad about that? And yet part of her believed that absolutely she had the right to be mad about that. She was prepared to give up everything to be with him and he was too much of a chump to give up anything. He wanted what she had to give and not give anything in return. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, and she was pissed.
"I thought it might be appropriate to say goodbye. That is what friends do before they leave for an extended journey, isn't it?"
Penny scoffed. "Yeah. Friends."
Sheldon glanced at the already opened bottle of wine and the pint of ice cream melting in the container on the table. He gave Penny a once-over while he was at it. Penny knew she looked like shit. Part of her was glad he was seeing her like this. And part of her just wanted to slide away and disappear from all the awkwardness.
"Penny...are you going to be okay? I can perhaps alter my plans for a few days-"
"Please, Sheldon. Don't flatter yourself. I'll be fine. You can scurry off and have fun with Amy's bloomers guilt-free."
Sheldon sighed. "Penny, it was never my intention to hurt you. I was only doing what was best for both of us. Please understand that."
Penny knew he was right but wasn't in the mood to accept this yet.
"Really? Then how come both of us are miserable? How come neither of us are getting what we want? Oh, that's right, it's just me who is miserable and I won't get what I want."
Sheldon looked confused and sad. She had no idea what to do because she'd already taken this too far. So she said nothing and just glared at him until he sighed again and walked out the door.
But before he closed it, he said, "That's not true. It was never true. And if you think it is true, you don't know me at all." And then he left, and she cried, and she wondered what the hell he meant by that, what wasn't true? What was never true? That she was the only one who didn't get what she wanted? Ugh, this was all so utterly exhausting.*****Sheldon had been gone for a few weeks and Penny missed him more than she could possibly understand. It wasn't even the sex or the closeness or the feelings she missed the most, although those things were a factor. She missed his friendship. She missed his snarky commentary and weird nonsensical routines. She missed Vintage Game night, Halo night, Anything Can Happen Thursday. She missed him. Just a few years ago she couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him, but now Penny couldn't imagine life without the guy. And that was the first time she started to regret the affair. If it meant she lost his friendship...that would be devastating. But the blame was on both of them for ending up in this situation. He was the one who asked her for "lessons" and she was the one who gave him one. This was both their faults and they were both going to have to learn to deal with it.
Leonard wasn't doing much better. She thought he would find Sheldon's absence liberating-he didn't have to drive anyone anywhere, he could turn the thermostat to 60 degrees and not endure Sheldon's endless bitching, he could use the bathroom at any time of the day...but Leonard was kind of lost. He ended up staying at Penny's most of the time, which she didn't mind-not anymore. They needed to fix this relationship. She needed to go back to the reasons why she fell for him in the first place. There had to be some other reason they were together than just sex and convenience. When Sheldon let her go, she promised to put everything she had into this relationship with Leonard. And that's what she was trying to do.
On one particularly sad evening in which Penny just couldn't seem to get herself out of a shame spiral, Leonard came over with Mexican food and they ate it by candlelight. They watched the Devil Wears Prada while Leonard gave her a foot massage. Later, she changed into his favorite lingerie and they had sex right there on the couch. Penny made it an award-winning performance and Leonard appreciated every moment.
In the afterglow, they sat together, naked under a blanket, holding hands.
"That was nice. I've missed these nights together. I'm glad you got over your infection," Leonard said without a hint of sarcasm.
"Oh, yeah, me, too. It was so uncomfortable." Someday she was going to run out of lies.
But apparently that day wasn't coming soon. Leonard followed up this statement with a question that took Penny by surprise completely. She should have been planning for it; had a back-up plan or an acceptable reason or excuse or something. Of course Leonard was suspicious. He wasn't blind. Penny suddenly felt very stupid. Not to mention guilty.
"Penny...I couldn't help but notice. You are being much more attentive and loving and caring and, well, the sex just now...it seems to coincide with Sheldon being out of the country. You can see why I'd think that was a little strange, can't you?"
"Well...yes," she said, and couldn't think of a single word to say next. To outright deny it would look suspicious but what could she say that wasn't a total confession?
Leonard took her hand and looked at her sympathetically. "I'm not mad, okay? But I want to know what's going on. And don't say 'nothing'. I won't call you out on it but you and I will still both know there's something going on there. So just make it easier on both of us and tell me."
She couldn't tell him everything. It would hurt him too much. And just like Sheldon, Penny was a coward. Thinking about how it would play out made her head hurt-she would tell Leonard that she and Sheldon had been seeing each other for months, making out whenever possible; that she had taken his virginity, that, yes, she did go to Las Vegas and she took Sheldon with her. He didn't need to know any of that, whether he thought he wanted to or not.
But obviously they were at some kind of crossroads. She couldn't tell him that there was nothing wrong because clearly there was something very wrong. So she decided to go with a version of the truth.
"I don't know, Leonard, it's really hard to explain...I guess since Amy has become so important to Sheldon, I've felt a little bit left out. And you know how I get-I start living in my head and everything gets worse and I blow things out of proportion. I started thinking of Sheldon in a different way, and maybe I thought I had feelings for him...but now that he's gone, I think I was just confused. I'm sorry that I was so distant for a while. But I'm here now and even when he comes back, I will still be here. I'm over it. I needed some distance, and I got it, and I'm over it."
It was actually true.
Just not the entire truth.
She expected this to not go over well, but Leonard didn't look fazed, actually.
"Does he know?"
"Oh, no. You know him. Completely oblivious to anything like that."
"Well…thank you for telling me. I'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where we can be honest with each other."
"You're not mad?" This was a weird version of the Leonard she'd come to know over the years. It was nice. And strange.
"I'm not going to say I'm happy, no. But I knew something was going on and I'm just glad you were honest with me about it. I actually understand what you mean-you were the only girl in our circle for a long time and then Sheldon meets Amy and Howard meets Bernadette and you feel threatened. You're not getting all the attention anymore. But, Penny, even if they do have girlfriends, that doesn't mean you're forgotten. We all respect and like you; we'd never forget you or cast you out. And you know I love you."
No, no, no, he was getting it all wrong! That's not what Penny felt. It wasn't about that. But she didn't correct him. It was too complicated to explain and she didn't want to, anyway. This thing was between her and Sheldon, and it would die with her and Sheldon.
"Thanks for understanding." She kissed him, they went back to holding hands, and it was just fine, and everything would be just fine.*****For the first month in Switzerland, Sheldon was so busy he didn't even have time to think about romance or making out or Garth Brooks or any of the things that consumed him back in Pasadena. It was a relief, actually. Even Amy seemed fascinated by the work being done and didn't pressure him to be a better boyfriend or whatever the crap she was constantly harassing him about on any given day.
Seeing the CERN Super Collider up close was almost a spiritual experience for Sheldon. He'd waited so long to see this thing in all of its magnificence. And he was so disappointed when he was too sick to go when Leonard finally invited him a few years ago. Now he was here with countless other physicists and it was time to get the work done. This is what his life had been about up to this point. And if he didn't come back with some kind of new evidence of Higgs boson, he'd have to find something else to dedicate his research and experiments to. It was now or never, make it or break it, go big or go home.
So he spent hours, days, weeks researching and experimenting and he was finally getting somewhere. All his peers wanted to know what he was up to, but Sheldon kept his results to himself. They would have done the same.
After a long day of fruitful experiments, Amy had finally managed to talk Sheldon into ordering room service in the hotel room. He wanted to stay at the research facility and perform a few more experiments, but actually, he was exhausted. Sheldon admitted to Amy that he could use the rest, even if he didn't want the rest.
The two of them ordered burgers and fries and watched a documentary on beavers. Sheldon wanted to put on his pajamas and go to sleep, but Amy wanted something else. She was good about keeping her hands to herself during the day, but at night in their hotel room was a different story. She wanted to touch him everywhere all the time. Sharing a bed with her was quite a challenge...as much as he enjoyed the release of a good orgasm, he'd rather just be left alone when it was time to sleep. She liked to cuddle. He didn't. It was becoming a problem but he didn't want to say anything and upset the balance of their relationship while they were so far away from home.
When the burgers were digested and the beavers were busy building dams, Amy put her hand on his thigh and he inwardly sighed. This was going to be a thing. He knew when Amy was going to make something a thing and this was going to be a thing.
"Sheldon, I've thought about it and I want to make a proposal. You've been working very hard on your project and I've helped as much as possible. I think tonight we should reward ourselves with the gift of sexual intercourse. We've been together for a long time, we have strong feelings towards each other, we've gone to every other base except home, to use the baseball terms our friends are so fond of using."
"Come on, Amy, it's been a long day. I'm tired. Can't we have coitus another night?"
Amy sighed. "You know what, Sheldon, I'm starting to agree with Penny on your usage of 'coitus'. Sex. I want to have sex, and I would like to do it tonight. I promise it'll be worthy of your time." The mention of Penny made his stomach hurt a little. He wondered if that would ever stop. It hadn't so far.
Amy kissed him softly and he pulled her closer to him. After a great deal of making out, she unbuttoned his pants and whispered, "Please? Let's do this tonight, Sheldon. I'll make it worth it for you, I promise."
Although his male friends were always talking about sex like it was no big deal, Sheldon had grown up to believe otherwise. His mother always told him that sex should be a sacred act to participate in only when married and that premarital sex is a deadly sin. But he'd shot that one to hell already with Penny, so he figured why not dig himself a little deeper with Amy. She wanted it, she deserved it, and he was curious to see what it would be like with someone else.
And so it happened. Sheldon had to remember that he was supposed to be a virgin, which wasn't that hard since he'd only done it once. Amy fumbled with the condom and they awkwardly tried to position themselves. It lasted a little too long for Sheldon's enjoyment, but t wasn't entirely unpleasant and Amy looked pleased with the event. They both took showers and went to bed. But Sheldon couldn't sleep. Because he realized that he'd been thinking about Penny the entire time he was having coitus with Amy. Penny on top of him, Penny squeezing her thighs as she rode him over and over again. Penny's soft kisses, Penny's pink nipples, her wetness spreading on his hardness. Sex with Amy would probably never feel like that.
Had Sheldon made the wrong decision?
He didn't think so. Amy may not have been amazing in bed, but she was a good girlfriend. His intellectual equal. Amy was rational and smart and not impulsive and...well, she was the opposite of Penny. That's what he needed. He and Amy would have things to discuss over dinner every night; interesting things. Things other than the latest rose ceremony or those high heels she saw in a store window and couldn't stop thinking about.
But Sheldon knew that wasn't fair. Penny was more than what he first perceived her to be. She was funny and savvy and outgoing. She could have a conversation with just about anyone at any time. On first glance, he thought they'd have nothing in common; nothing to share, nothing to converse about, but he never ran out of things to talk about with her. It was just easier to think of her as his selfish neighbor who was dating his best friend and roommate. But something told him it wasn't that simple and it never would be.*****Dearest Bestie - Well, last night I finally made it happen with Sheldon. Yep, we had "coitus", LOL! It didn't make the earth move or anything but for both our first times, it was decent. I plan to practice as much as possible. By the time we get back to the States, we should be experts! I don't feel any different now that my flower has been taken. I do feel closer to Sheldon and I think he feels the same way. Maybe I'll tell him I love him before we do it again. Because I'm pretty sure I do. He's so dreamy!
Love ya like a sister,
Amy
Penny stared at the email for a long, long time. Eventually she silently closed her computer, threw it on the floor, curled up into a ball and cried. It was one of those heaving, soul-shaking kind of cries that cause headaches that last for days.
She'd get over this, right? She wasn't going to spend the rest of her life pining over someone she never really had, was she?*****While Amy and Sheldon were gone, Penny and Leonard would go on double dates with Howard and Bernadette pretty frequently. Penny was getting a bit weary of these excursions-Howard and Bernadette were still in the honeymoon stage of their marriage and they were so cute it made her want to vomit. Penny wondered what it felt like to be genuinely in love with someone, to want to spend the rest of her life with them. Because lately, she was starting to feel like she would never have something like that. Leonard was a good boyfriend and she was still doing everything possible to throw herself into the relationship like he deserved, but something was missing. This wasn't even about Sheldon for once. This was about her feelings for Leonard and his feelings for her.
On a humid, hot night in July, the four of them went to a nice Italian restaurant and shared some wine and some laughs. Bernadette and Penny talked about their reality shows and shoe sales at the mall and Leonard and Howard talked about the new Star Trek movie. They all had pasta and garlic bread and everyone was getting a bit toasty.
The couples shared desserts and Penny watched Howard and Bernadette feed each other and giggle, and she ached to have something as special as they did. Leonard tapped her on the shoulder and fed her some of his fruit, but it wasn't cute or genuine. Leonard didn't do stuff like that. He was just trying to keep up.
When every crumb of dessert had been eaten, Howard took out his wallet and said, "Let's get out of here. Bernadette and I have some baby-makin' to do."
Bernadette giggled and said, "Howie! Don't just announce it like that!"
"Wow, you guys are already trying?" Penny asked.
"Not really, but we're enjoying the practice," Howard said. Bernadette pinched him.
"Bernadette, I thought you didn't even want kids. I thought they disgusted you," Leonard said curiously.
"Howie's been working on changing my mind and I'm coming around. I don't know, ever since we got married I've been thinking long and hard about it. I think I do want a little Howie to take care of. I know that sounds old-fashioned but the biological clock is ticking!"
"She's right. We want a little Howie and a little Bernie. And maybe another one to add to the band. How many do you guys want?"
Penny couldn't help it-she choked on the water she was drinking.
"How many children do we want?"
"No, how many sheep do you want? Yes, children."
Penny and Leonard shared a glance and then they both shrugged.
"Zero," Penny said.
"Four," Leonard said.
Bernadette and Howard laughed. A lot.
"Oh, boy. You guys have got some talking to do," Bernadette said, looking at Penny sympathetically.
"Awkward," Howard added.
An hour later, Penny and Leonard were in his apartment making out. She was in Sheldon's spot, which turned her on for some reason. Eventually Leonard started unzipping her pants and tried to make things interesting. She was into it, but it occurred to her that they needed to have this talk once and for all. So she took his hand and said, "I think maybe we should talk before we start stripping for each other."
Leonard sighed. He was always cranky when she wanted to talk and he wanted sex.
"About what? We're kind of in the middle of something here."
"I'll just get to the point-you said you wanted four children."
Leonard looked surprised, like this was the last conversation he was expecting to have right now.
"Yes. Yes, I said that because it's what I want. I've always wanted a big family. I'm going to be a good father and my kids are going to have a mother who cares about them; who isn't afraid to show that she loves them. It's what I've always wanted and I want to make it happen sooner rather than later."
"Well, if it's going to be with me, it's going to be later. If it even happens at all. I don't want kids right now. Maybe not ever. I haven't decided yet, really."
"Well, you really should. We're not getting any younger here, Penny."
Penny exhaled. And then took a deep breath before asking the question.
"Leonard...do you see me as the mother of your children? Tell me the truth."
He looked at her. Really looked at her, as though he was seeing her for the first time. And she knew. She knew that ever since she told him about her feelings for Sheldon, he was feeling a little bit differently towards her. Maybe he didn't trust her as much or maybe he didn't respect her as much. Whatever it was, it was almost a relief. For most of their relationship, he looked at her like she could do no wrong. Put her on pedestal. And now he was finally seeing her for what she was. For how she felt. A fraud.
"I used to," he said softly. "And I probably can again. It's not your fault, Penny. Let's just give this one more try. We owe it to each other, don't you think?"
She smiled sadly. "We've being doing this beta test thing for a few months now, and the sparks just aren't there. I don't think it's going to get any better than this."
"But this isn't that bad, is it? Would it really be so bad if we kept doing it this way?"
Penny frowned. "You really want to keep something going because it isn't 'that bad'? What about passion? What about a love that consumes you; that challenges you, that makes you question your entire being? Maybe we had something like that a few years ago but too much has happened. Hell, you'd still be with Priya right now if she hadn't cheated on you."
"That's not fair. I don't even think about Priya anymore. You're the one I want, Penny."
Penny shook her head. "You don't want me. You want the idea of me. I can't live up to that. I never wanted to live up to that. I'm not perfect, Leonard. I have so many flaws, you can't even imagine. You can't keep looking at me like I'm the answer to your problems. It's too much pressure! And I have my own problems."
He sighed. "I just think we can get past those things. We're soul mates, we can make it work."
It didn't surprise Penny that Leonard thought they were soul mates-he had told her that many times. But it still scared the bajeesus out of her. How could he possibly think that? And how come she didn't even feel a shred of the same way? And how could she have kept this relationship going so long when she felt so different?
"Just because we live across the hall from each other doesn't make us soul mates. We have nothing in common. Yes, the sex is good, but it's not enough. I don't like thinking you keep me around so you'll have someone pretty on your arm at university functions, or so you have someone convenient to go to across the hall when you feel lonely. I mean...I do care about you. And I wanted this to work and I've been trying to make it work. And maybe it shouldn't be this hard. Maybe we shouldn't have to try."
Leonard nodded and didn't talk for a few minutes. Her heart was breaking for him, but this was for the best. They weren't soul mates. They weren't Ross and Rachel and they never would be.
He sniffed and then said, "Is this about Sheldon?"
And she wasn't lying when she said, "No. This has nothing to do with Sheldon. This is about me and you. What we want, and how we're on different paths."
"Well, is it about the kids? I don't…need kids. We can just babysit for Howard and Bernadette. That's fine with me."
This wasn't helping his case. She needed someone who would stand up to her. Who wouldn't just lay down and let her walk all over him.
"It's not about the kids. Okay? This is it, Leonard. Let's just accept it and move on. You're going to find someone who is way better for you than I am. Soon."
"I don't want to lose you..."
"You'll never lose me. I'll always be across the hall." She knew that wasn't what he meant. But it was all she could offer.
He nodded. They hugged and shared one last kiss, and before he could say anything else, she was gone. As soon as Penny walked across the hall and made it inside her apartment, she cried for the last time. She was single. Free. She could do anything she wanted and not have to answer to anyone. And she still couldn't stop thinking about Sheldon Cooper.*****In the computer lab, Sheldon was so close to figuring out the problem he'd been working on nonstop for days. A breakthrough was forthcoming, he was sure of it. Soon he was going to change the face of physics forever, and his life goal was going to be realized.
Next to him, Amy was checking her email. It was completely quiet in the lab when she jumped out of her chair and squeaked "Ohmygod!"
"What? Did you see a spider?" Sheldon questioned, preparing to jump out of his chair as well.
"No! I just got an email from Penny. She and Leonard broke up last night! Oh, no, I can't believe it. I have to get on a plane and go comfort her immediately."
He didn't even tell her to not be ridiculous-they still had work to do and Bernadette was there for her anyway. All he could think about was one simple fact-Penny did it. Even though he didn't have the courage to pull the trigger himself, she still held up her end of the bargain. She did it. That was one thing he admired about her. Penny wasn't weak. Maybe she had let her emotions lead the way during their entanglement together, but she wasn't weak. She knew what she wanted and went after it. And now Sheldon was in a foreign country with a woman he was just going through the motions with, and he never felt so lonely in his life.