A Negative Self-Evaluation Pt. 2
Remember when I stopped doing bad things for "myself" and I thought it was so stupid and I said I would never go back to it? Well I lied. I am a con artist. The only reason it ever made me happy to stop was because to be loved felt better than any high or wired mental disposition. I'm everything I've ever hated and that is a liar a fake and a hypocrite.I do not wish anyone to do things I've done in the past and I almost disrespect it. But it sickens me that I turned my life around for you, and your best friend. And when you dump me and leave me stranded, like I had long expected I still fucking hid it. You've been gone out of my life for months and months and honestly I would never let you near my life again. But why is it not until now that I'm open with my changes- or returns? I used to always link the line "you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and keep the earth in place" to the way you made me feel. It still stands, as I fall. What else would have caused me to be hesitant for half a year? Who else can drag me out of this rut with an open heart and mind and allow my changes to flow from not only my heart but my life as a whole. I hate my surroundings so fucking much and my annoyingly bubbly personality serves the complete opposite of what is truly going through my mind. I can't stop it either. It's just the way I am. My mind is a horror film spitting out Sesame Street. I don't even want to know what I will be remembered as. The fucking blond bitch with no aspirations in life but to seek attention, maybe. No. I need to waste space elsewhere. Because around here, my mind is running laps through a fucking holocaust tripping upon dead, useless, useless bodies.