(no subject)
So I’m back on the blog tip and as expected I’m somewhat at a loss of where to begin. I know on one level that’s a good thing because I’m usually depressed when i feel a pressing need to blog, but on another i think it speaks to my disassociation to any feelings other then sadness. A first instinct is to tell of my week(end) but I also personally don’t like reading blogs that are a summary of somebody’s day. That’s what twitter is for (not that I would ever “tweet”).
I can say that I find myself with the time to blog right now because I can’t sleep. I’m 8 days sober and am finding that I am having serious problems sleeping. Like i sleep every other night. Though I know that this is not normal, I’m trying to look on the bright side. I wonder... nevermind i know that it’s not WHY, but I can see this tendency being an asset to my dad on his on-calls in hospital. I do wonder if my parents suffer from manic depression themselves. This had to come from somewhere right? But if they did, why wouldn’t they tell me? Why can’t I have the open loving relationship with my parents that people do on TV? Does anybody have that in real life? I know a lot don’t....
I’ve gotten my ass out to a few AA meetings over the past week as well, and am starting to start work on my steps. The 1st step is “came to admit that you are powerless over alcohol, that your life has become unmanageable“. In looking back in my drinking history clearly I’m powerless over alcohol, but i’ve been having problems trying to identify how my life is unmanageable. Of course its because i’m not depressed at the moment, but I know the symptoms are there. I’ve tried to jot down some things:
- uncontrollable mind states = Now this isn’t that my moods change easily through external stimuli, but I can think of instances where unexpectedly a depression was triggered and i couldn’t get out of it. Like it feels like my brain separates into mind vs. emotions, and my mind in its ability to rationalize decides to throw a pity party, instilling thoughts of worthlessness or undesirability attacking my emotions.
I also put: Low self-esteem, bad with confrontation, follower/people pleaser, and lack of self-respect, but now that I’m blogging I realize it all comes down to a complete and total lack of ego.... at least i think it does. (Readers commentary is invited on this please.) I mean on one hand, the purpose of religion is to remove the ego, but on the other, ego is needed for a person to.... give a fuck about themself (for a lack of a better explination. maybe i should do some research on this ego and id shit, it’s been awhile since..... wherever i herd about it). But yea, this lack of selfrespect. Like even as I write this, i don’t like myself or my life. Not that i dislike it. I just feel like i’m not really anthing special or to be proud of. And i have a sneaking suspicion that if i finish this all-nighter, by tomorrow due to a reduction in my faculties, I will feel something. Hopefully good... probably good. Tired but good. I just with i didn’t have to sacrifice my health to do it. More concerning now that I’m putting it down, the idea that I have to harm myself thru sleep deprivation to feel good or anything really is kinda upsetting. If i use the time productively its all good right? Then it’s not self harm, its productivity.
I can say that I find myself with the time to blog right now because I can’t sleep. I’m 8 days sober and am finding that I am having serious problems sleeping. Like i sleep every other night. Though I know that this is not normal, I’m trying to look on the bright side. I wonder... nevermind i know that it’s not WHY, but I can see this tendency being an asset to my dad on his on-calls in hospital. I do wonder if my parents suffer from manic depression themselves. This had to come from somewhere right? But if they did, why wouldn’t they tell me? Why can’t I have the open loving relationship with my parents that people do on TV? Does anybody have that in real life? I know a lot don’t....
I’ve gotten my ass out to a few AA meetings over the past week as well, and am starting to start work on my steps. The 1st step is “came to admit that you are powerless over alcohol, that your life has become unmanageable“. In looking back in my drinking history clearly I’m powerless over alcohol, but i’ve been having problems trying to identify how my life is unmanageable. Of course its because i’m not depressed at the moment, but I know the symptoms are there. I’ve tried to jot down some things:
- uncontrollable mind states = Now this isn’t that my moods change easily through external stimuli, but I can think of instances where unexpectedly a depression was triggered and i couldn’t get out of it. Like it feels like my brain separates into mind vs. emotions, and my mind in its ability to rationalize decides to throw a pity party, instilling thoughts of worthlessness or undesirability attacking my emotions.
I also put: Low self-esteem, bad with confrontation, follower/people pleaser, and lack of self-respect, but now that I’m blogging I realize it all comes down to a complete and total lack of ego.... at least i think it does. (Readers commentary is invited on this please.) I mean on one hand, the purpose of religion is to remove the ego, but on the other, ego is needed for a person to.... give a fuck about themself (for a lack of a better explination. maybe i should do some research on this ego and id shit, it’s been awhile since..... wherever i herd about it). But yea, this lack of selfrespect. Like even as I write this, i don’t like myself or my life. Not that i dislike it. I just feel like i’m not really anthing special or to be proud of. And i have a sneaking suspicion that if i finish this all-nighter, by tomorrow due to a reduction in my faculties, I will feel something. Hopefully good... probably good. Tired but good. I just with i didn’t have to sacrifice my health to do it. More concerning now that I’m putting it down, the idea that I have to harm myself thru sleep deprivation to feel good or anything really is kinda upsetting. If i use the time productively its all good right? Then it’s not self harm, its productivity.