rambling some more
school again was totally pointless today. but fourth period was cool. we had "cultural food day" in english, basically an excuse to bring food and get a free grade. everyone made pretty good food, so it was enjoyable. i brought egg rolls, surprise surprise.
the interesting part of english was that since today was our last day of this class, dr. bissett went around the circle and told each of us what she has observed about us throughout the year. when she got to me, she said that i learn well, that i care deeply about others, and that i am somewhat judgmental, although this is counterbalanced by the fact that i always try to see both sides of the issue. i hear assessments like that from time to time.
at first i felt bad because i was disappointed that a defining trait of mine was being judgmental. being judgmental isn't just a personal vice; it hurts other people as well. actually i still feel bad, but honestly, there isn't a lot that can change that about me, i just have to do a better job of hiding it. i also figured that the good things she said can be written off as "fortune cookie" traits--that is, they can be applied to anybody on some level [like online quizzes]. but i guess what she takes the time to point out is what sticks out most about us to her, which makes them unique in that respect, i suppose.
i do have to agree with what she said. i am very observant of people, and i analyze and evaluate their words and actions very carefully, with mixed results. most of the time i like to think that i'm on the dot, but then again, i'm often very, very wrong [especially with michael, who strangely enough, doesn't play mind games like most people do].
another problem is that i'm not often honest about these things. i think it's better that way, but when people actually pick up on it, it just looks that much worse. i take great care in trying to be diplomatic and to keep a straight face in spite of my feelings, but i don't know whether or not it works.
so far this sounds pretty bad. but i'm not saying that i secretly hate everyone or think bad things about people. i think that although i do hold opinions about people, often unjustified opinions, i simultaneously acknowledge their good and bad qualities. when i'm in conflict with people, or when i hear people harp on others, i can't help but try to place myself in their situation just to make sure i'm confident in what i believe. it might not even be out of compassion, it could just be a matter of making sure i'm right. and when you press me you'll find that often, i really am unsure. it's only that pride that keeps me from admitting that i can sympathize.
although i do confess that i'm overly harsh and critical of others, rest assured that i also apply the same standards to myself. i never cease to look back. my mind is always moving backward and forward at the same time, apologizing, rationalizing, but more frequently, regretting. i can't just forgive and forget, not even myself. i feel guilty about many things in my life, even as i do them. isn't that what makes a mortal sin?
in summary... i'm sorry if you have that impression of me. i'm also sorry to tell you that it's largely justified. finally, i'm sorry to tell you that it's not something i can change overnight, if ever. most people likely don't care what i think, but for those who do, you can at least be sure that i see and believe that everybody has redeeming qualities. at worst i'm probably just more sensitive about things. i think i'm fair though, in that the only reason i would hate anybody is if i thought he were evil. and i will say that i do have a hate list; it's on a post-it note above my monitor. i'm looking at it right now. even those people have good things about them, but i admit that i definitely would not hesitate to give those three or so people a good kick in the face if the opportunity arose.
and to make an enormously long entry longer... allow me to conclude by stating that i recognize the absurdity of trying to relay these rather cliche but complex thoughts. i used the same group of words over and over and just rearranged them. i wish i could write about some deep and poetic feeling, but i think in simple terms. i also dislike writing serious entries because they're too sensitive and come out all wrong, but they pop up from time to time.