random crap
my parents left for new york friday morning. they don't get back until tomorrow. i've been staying at my brother's house. although it's awesome [i just hang out upstairs with his laptop, wireless dsl and network!] i really miss my nasty, dirty pigsty of a room. seriously, i can't survive in perfectly clean rooms. i'm like a chinchilla, you know? gotta have my dust baths. i realize that was a bad analogy and i apologize. it's really nice here, but there's no place like home.
this past weekend we had state cup, which was good and bad. good because i really really had to work my ass off, and i got to face some awesome competition. also, i saw shelby, amanda, justin, scott, and michael c up at the fields. even though i see scott and amanda nearly every day, it was still cool to meet them on the weekend, doing what we love. state cup also sucked though, because our team got the shit beaten out of us by solar, inter blue [shelbs' team], and spirit red. YES, spirit red. though we didn't really have any subs, and we stuck injured people on the field, it was still incredibly pathetic and embarassing. i didn't mean to make an excuse, we didn't have an excuse, we just sucked. i was angry for not having any pride in myself, getting out of shape and not working hard enough. and yes, that's the same solar i used to play with... it was so embarassing. though most all the girls left, and i only recognized 3. i'm still bitter about that.
anyway, my weekend was packed. i must be very weak, because every time i go through a lot of mental and physical fatigue, my body just gives up on me and gives in to sickness. yesterday i already felt like crap, staying up forever to do that political cartoon project didn't help. i finally went to bed at 2, but when i got up this morning, i just quit. i know it's probably going to be suspicious [since i was absent just a week and a half ago] but i couldn't even get out of bed, let alone speak. so i just slept some more and took lots of medicine, and now i feel a lot better.
man, ap and ib testing kicked my ass. everyone thought they were easy [save for the carnage that was french] but i found history a little difficult, and my english essays blew. ap, okay, that won't affect my diploma, but if i don't get a 5 on that physics test, i'm going to be pretty upset. and it's really not even about my diploma, but i don't want to disappoint mr. lines [who probably projected failure for me anyway] because he's such an awesome teacher. point of advice, future juniors: DO YOUR HOMEWORK. it helps so much. learn during the school year so you don't have to do it at the last minute. and don't bother with the atomic/nuclear physics option. go biomedical.
sat iis kicked my ass as well. writing was okay, math was okay, but english... i didn't even bother looking at a test because i was stupid and cocky. little did i know it was a MINI AP ENGLISH LIT TEST. and it wasn't like, english english, it was 300 years ago english with all the thous and thees and the like. that was about 90% of the test. good times. if you take the sat ii, be prepared. they see all your scores. and they're going to see my 200 in english lit. yeah, i don't want to see my scores.
orchestra elections tomorrow, wish me luck. now i know that i do already hold two positions in other organizations, but i'm not trying to monopolize the school or anything, or even get it on my apps [though you all know what kind of a gpa/activity whore i am]. i just think that i can make a lot of positive contributions to the organizations i'm in. and though people have accused me of spreading myself thin, i care a lot about everything i do, and i make an effort to be good at them. people have heard me complain about how things are run, and now i want to fix them.
last thing. i don't like talking about really personal matters on my journal because i end up looking back and thinking, "wow i'm an idiot." but i was reading journals [instead of working] and i came across kenny's, talking about his regrets about me and how i was a "step down" for him. honestly and truthfully, though kenny and i really don't talk anymore, this made me sad. it seems that anyone who has ever had feelings for me leaves with bitter and negative memories. like i'm a blemish on their beautiful past. as for me, i don't really regret a thing about any relationships that i've had. not justin, not danny, not mahmood, not kenny, not anybody. nor any of the friendships that i had that never really went further. i liked all those people and i still do. i consider my time with them positive experiences and important lessons learned. but all i ever get back is how resentful of me they are now and how those were bad memories for them. not to say that i'm not still friends with any of those people; in fact, i still count justin, mahmood, travis, brian, and all the other guys among my good friends. it's just that they don't like what they remember about me. [or maybe they really don't like me, i don't know]
even michael thinks i'm hard to put up with, and it's true. i don't mean to be. i can't help that i'm so difficult. after all that time, thinking i was so much more mature than everyone else because i was cynical about high-school relationships, i realize that i am wrong. i'm the one who has some growing-up to do, because i tried so hard to get ahead and become an adult before it was my time. but please don't fault me entirely for this, as it was the way i was raised. furthermore, it wasn't even until the end of middle school that i even had any perception of what a relationship was--before then, nobody ever so much as expressed any sort of interest in me [looking back at my photos then, it isn't hard to understand why]. i'm a really late bloomer.
when i read this journal, sometimes i laugh at the fact that i'm so weird and crazy and awkward, yet i try to be normal. i will never be normal. and sometimes i get really upset because i have to live with that.
seniors, any advice you'd like to leave me?