dreams, etc.
so I have really amazingly vivid and exciting dreams these days, what I believe to be a side effect of some medication which affects my REM sleep cycle. Anyway, last night I dreamt of an owl. It was a little like Harry Potter, haha, and the owl was my companion. It was like meeting any other person; we simply connected and then began to spend all of our time together. It was almost like the owl was an extension of myself. I do not remember it having a name. I had also just met a guy who was becoming my lover, and I would carry the owl over to his house in my arms. As we got closer, the owl would begin to purr with happiness, and I would stroke its feathers. I felt so close to this owl, and I felt a little sad when I awoke and realised that it would be gone. I guess it's still in my subconscious somewhere, so that's nice to think about. I have always really liked owls, and have had dreams about them before, though this one was definitely the most powerful.
I remember having friendships that felt like what I had with my owl companion. I would wake up and think about these people, wonder what they were thinking, and what they do and care about in their lives. I would also attempt to involve myself in these things, because if I did not, I was missing out on a part of myself and my own life.
Another dream I had the other night was about friends. Marita and I were making cupcakes in our apartment. It was winter and, I believe, in the middle of the night. Anyway, we were reminiscing about how crazy I used to be, and how it was so great we were close friends again. Being in Illinois I see Ben around his friends, and it all just seems so natural; so obvious. What do you do on the first day of summer? You call up your buddies, gather and play yard games, smoke bowls, drink beers, laugh, dance, listen to music as loudly as possible, have a fire, and fall asleep with your arm sore from playing beer pong. What did I do? Probably watch TV and feel shitty or something. What happened? Ben is the person I am most comfortable around, and who knows me the best in the entire world. When I am around him, I feel completely safe and I can remember more of the things about who I actually am than I do when alone. It is really frustrating. I have been reading a book about living through/with depression, and one woman talks about how she always struggles with it, but her husband is a companion she absolutely needs in order to remind herself that she is more than a disease and the shitty things that are associated with it. I feel that way about Ben, but since we can't see each other much, I have to rely on myself and maybe even on my other friends who have even known me longer than he has.
Struggling with this has taken a lot out of me, or at least, it has conjured up a lot of things that have overwhelmed the balance I feel like I lack in my life now. It took many years to happen, and I am so scared because I know it will take perhaps years to dig up the light in my soul that is still there, but has become very small indeed. Someday I will write about things that don't always have to do with I.
One of Ben's roommates is a Christian kid who was homeschooled up until highschool, and is now a classical guitar player at NIU. Lately I have been thinking a lot about faith, because it is something that seems to carry a lot of weight in this world, and that, beyond superficial knowledge from school or gleaning from holidays, I know little about. Anyway, Dave and I were talking about selfishness, and how it is a huge problem in out world and that maybe much of what "ails us" is a product of this. As a Christian, Dave strives to invest himself more truly in the teachings of Jesus by doing volunteer work when he can, and trying to think about what he can do for others. I think that I will try to help others more, as I feel enormously guilty for how wasteful of resources and kindness I have been. I think it would be easier to forgive myself if I gave back to others more often.
I dunno, I just needed to write. I used to write with my hands in a real book, but I guess I just need to reach out to others and this is a way to let you all know what I am thinking, whoever you are.
Love,
E.
I remember having friendships that felt like what I had with my owl companion. I would wake up and think about these people, wonder what they were thinking, and what they do and care about in their lives. I would also attempt to involve myself in these things, because if I did not, I was missing out on a part of myself and my own life.
Another dream I had the other night was about friends. Marita and I were making cupcakes in our apartment. It was winter and, I believe, in the middle of the night. Anyway, we were reminiscing about how crazy I used to be, and how it was so great we were close friends again. Being in Illinois I see Ben around his friends, and it all just seems so natural; so obvious. What do you do on the first day of summer? You call up your buddies, gather and play yard games, smoke bowls, drink beers, laugh, dance, listen to music as loudly as possible, have a fire, and fall asleep with your arm sore from playing beer pong. What did I do? Probably watch TV and feel shitty or something. What happened? Ben is the person I am most comfortable around, and who knows me the best in the entire world. When I am around him, I feel completely safe and I can remember more of the things about who I actually am than I do when alone. It is really frustrating. I have been reading a book about living through/with depression, and one woman talks about how she always struggles with it, but her husband is a companion she absolutely needs in order to remind herself that she is more than a disease and the shitty things that are associated with it. I feel that way about Ben, but since we can't see each other much, I have to rely on myself and maybe even on my other friends who have even known me longer than he has.
Struggling with this has taken a lot out of me, or at least, it has conjured up a lot of things that have overwhelmed the balance I feel like I lack in my life now. It took many years to happen, and I am so scared because I know it will take perhaps years to dig up the light in my soul that is still there, but has become very small indeed. Someday I will write about things that don't always have to do with I.
One of Ben's roommates is a Christian kid who was homeschooled up until highschool, and is now a classical guitar player at NIU. Lately I have been thinking a lot about faith, because it is something that seems to carry a lot of weight in this world, and that, beyond superficial knowledge from school or gleaning from holidays, I know little about. Anyway, Dave and I were talking about selfishness, and how it is a huge problem in out world and that maybe much of what "ails us" is a product of this. As a Christian, Dave strives to invest himself more truly in the teachings of Jesus by doing volunteer work when he can, and trying to think about what he can do for others. I think that I will try to help others more, as I feel enormously guilty for how wasteful of resources and kindness I have been. I think it would be easier to forgive myself if I gave back to others more often.
I dunno, I just needed to write. I used to write with my hands in a real book, but I guess I just need to reach out to others and this is a way to let you all know what I am thinking, whoever you are.
Love,
E.