let the wind blow high, let the wind blow low.
i would like to personally thank several individuals for for providing me a soundtrack that never fails to bring said individuals to mind.
i would like to personally thank one individual for a freakin weird sound file emailed to me of the creepy scottish folk song variety.
when i listen to muse, i think of sarah. when i listen to underoath, i think of kevin and emily. when i listen to the killers and the beatles and queen and project 86 and so much more, i think of hayley. when i listen to maylene, i think of emily. when i listen to the used, i think of caleb.
when i listen to green room rockers, i think of emily. when i listen to the last hope, i think of emily. when i listen to five iron frenzy, i think of greg and elle. when i listen to showbread, i think of hayley. when i listen to the anniversary, when i listen to the good life, i think of dave. when i listen to ben folds and they might be giants, i think of ashley.
wheni listen to the mixes people gave me, i'm instantly back at the time when i listened to them over and over. the mix kevin made me in august, i'm starting college, i'm accidently cutting my hair too short, i'm on the phone with caleb, i'm crying in my garage, i'm driving to school screaming, i'm drinking coffee in a room off the cafeteria at 8am, i'm going to biology and taking meticulous notes for 20 min before i lose interest.
when i listen to the mix dave gave me, i'm on the amtrak, i'm in anna's bed, i'm pulling myself back together, i'm going back to school for the first time after break, i'm driving with dave and jake the night MZ died, i'm losing my grip and learning to stand up again, my dad is moving out, i'm cleaning the house in a fit of mania, i'm lying in the shower crying, i'm deleting photos and text out of my phone, i'm staying up all night with dave and eating his mom's waffles the next day adn driving around to pick up pittman and i'm in his basement singing, "i'm not runnin away". i'm redefining who i am, i'm becoming self-aware.
when i listen to the mixes justin made me, i'm driving erratically, i'm spending too much money, i'm writing poems in oceanography, i have a car after 2 months of bumming rides, i'm just about to fall asleep when my phone rings and for the first time in 3 and a half months, your name is on the screen. i'm on the floor of my laundry room at 3am on the phone, falling asleep incredilous, i'm in my bed at 5am, reading a text apology for not listening to my advice, i'm in steadfast and hating it, i'm getting drunk dialed by my dad, i'm on the floor of the copy room at church in the dark crying and listening to my dad's voice crack.
when i listen to the newest mix my sarah made me, i'm frustrated, i'm scared and numb and lying in bed all day in an empty house, i'm not aware of time, i am perpetually sick to my stomach, i'm losing 6 lbs in a few weeks, i'm freaking out and paniky all the time, my car is dying in the intersection by wendy's, my heart's breaking and i'm on the phone making rash plans to run off to indiana, i'm losing my self and i'm not listening to music anymore.
when i listen to the mix jess made me, i'm on a plane, i'm seeing my sister for the first time in 6 yrs, i'm seeing mountains for the first time in 14 yrs, spring is starting, i'm facing 5 weeks of school left, i'm experiencing really high highs and extreme lows, i'm in the city in the sun, i'm learning piano, i'm nervous about the summer, i'm out of money, i'm happy and miserable, i'm becoming complete and falling apart, i'm curious, i want to save the day, i'm losing people, i am becoming different everyday.
when i listen everything you ever gave me, i think of you, i think of being in your car, i think of lying on the couch sideways with you in starbucks, i think of walking around the lake, i think of the woods, i think of the jewel parking lot, i think of Lot 4, i think of diet coke and menthol cough drops, i think of covering up with black jackets and blankets, i think of crying in the snow in jerret's yard, i think of the smell of leaves and the smell of your face. i think of you singing to me in the practice room on the right, i think of the time we all drove to lagrotto's and i'd never heard taking back sunday, the time i went to your car on break between classes because no one could find you, so i just walked around until i spotted and heard you car, and we sat in silence and you pretended to be asleep, and listened to acoustic fall out boy on loop, it was the worst feeling in the world. when i listen to plans and transatlanticism by death cab, and swiss army romance by dashboard confessional, it reminds me of this autumn, and when i listen to secret valentine by we the kings, possibly the worst song ever written, i think of driving to school in mid-september experiencing my first feelings of being excited to see you. i think of blushing in spanish class. i think of that dead bird.
when i listen to the postal service, i think of jenny. when i listen to the spice girls, i think of reilly. when i listen to blue october, i think of jake. when i listen to the blues brothers and fall out boy and zz top, i think of my cousin ben. when i listen to regina spektor i think of jess and a girl in england i have never met. when i listen to tegan and sara, i think of being 19.
when i listen to country, i think of my grandmother, my parents. i think of listening to bluegrass with my dad, of watchin o brother where art thou? with him.
i watched it today. well, the last half.
last night i had a dream about being at some house or something, that had a lot of kids around, and i was a kid, but i had the same mind i have as a 19 yr old. i went into this club house thing that i had to crawl through, and it was a tight fit in some spots, but it was so well lit, this club house in the backyard, and it sort of reminded me of being a kid at absolute fun, all the levels and layers and seemingly endless choices of directions and the colors...
i came out into a huge room, that reminded me of movies i've seen with huge hide-out spots, like in Hook, or in the HUnchback of Notre Dame where all the gypsies live underneath the city graveyard with colored fabric everywhere. and there were books all over the place. huge stacks of them. and lots of kids, but we werent crowded in. and there were like, booth-rooms with beds inside, and curtains to draw across the front. it looked like the changing stalls at cornerstone, except prettier and nicer and bigger and less wet. all over the walls people had written in colored sharpie stories and names and poems.
then i had another dream that i was walking through a store with my grandma, it was like i was little and 19 at the same time again, and we were looking for my aunt amy. aunt amy died at the age of 32 or so about 7 years ago. i was 12. she lived in rochelle.
anyway, we found her looking through a rack of clothes or something, and my grandmother told her that she had found her a wedding dress (my aunt got married when i was 8, i was a jr. bridesmaid). aunt amy asked where she got it, and my grandmother explained it belonged to the family. (my aunt did wear an old dress, but the dress in the dream didnt look like the real one.) my aunt loved it, was so happy, ect. then we were at a cabin in the woods on the lake, my whole family, and my aunt was just so beautiful and young and not really quite like i remembered her actually being, but she was outstanding nontheless. and it was like i knew she was going to die because the 19 yr old me had gone to her funeral. i literally felt oppressive sadness for my mother. amy was her closest sibling out of the 4 kids my grandma had. i cant imagine losing hayley. i was sobbing in my dream. i felt it like it was real. my aunt's picture is in a few places in the house. i sometimes forget about her. but mom and aunt amy went roadtripping out west. amy moved to oregon when my mom lived there. my sister is NAMED after her. i am having one of those impact moments where you really feel like you are kind of an adult, because i'm being empathetic for my mom. i'm putting myself in her shoes, and understanding and feeling bad for not being understanding earlier.
i get mom a little better when i have these moments.
my aunt died of diabetes. i walked down the stairs one morning. i dont know why. it was dark. maybe i had school. it was april 2002. my aunt had been in the hospital for a while. my mom was up there like, the day before. she was on the phone in the kitchen when i stood in the dining room and she dropped the phone on the floor and started sobbing and just fell apart and said "she's gone." i dont remember what happened after that. i dont know if i hugged my mom, or if she went to her room, or if i just walked away not knowing what to do. my dad was in Oregon to bury his brother-in-law, who was quite a bit older, but had also died of diabetes. my dad was gone the whole time. he wasnt there for the funeral, he wasnt there for anything. people kept bringing food to the house that i didnt like, and we had to eat it, and i felt bad when mom yelled at us for complaining. we were 12, 9 and 5. we didnt like cream corn cassarole, but people spent time and effort to make us food so we ought to eat it and be grateful.
there's a vhs tape somewhere that;s like a memorial slide show of her whole life set to sad country music that we had made after dad came home with a similar tape for uncle clint set to super sad garth brooks music. i think i might find it and watch it later.
i never knew my aunt as a person. i was just a kid, you know? but amy fassig-wyatt was/is to my mom what Hayley is to me.
i miss hayley. i was gone in utah for a week, and had sarah, so it was fine, then i had like, 4 days with hayley before she went to virginia. meh.
i would like to personally thank one individual for a freakin weird sound file emailed to me of the creepy scottish folk song variety.
when i listen to muse, i think of sarah. when i listen to underoath, i think of kevin and emily. when i listen to the killers and the beatles and queen and project 86 and so much more, i think of hayley. when i listen to maylene, i think of emily. when i listen to the used, i think of caleb.
when i listen to green room rockers, i think of emily. when i listen to the last hope, i think of emily. when i listen to five iron frenzy, i think of greg and elle. when i listen to showbread, i think of hayley. when i listen to the anniversary, when i listen to the good life, i think of dave. when i listen to ben folds and they might be giants, i think of ashley.
wheni listen to the mixes people gave me, i'm instantly back at the time when i listened to them over and over. the mix kevin made me in august, i'm starting college, i'm accidently cutting my hair too short, i'm on the phone with caleb, i'm crying in my garage, i'm driving to school screaming, i'm drinking coffee in a room off the cafeteria at 8am, i'm going to biology and taking meticulous notes for 20 min before i lose interest.
when i listen to the mix dave gave me, i'm on the amtrak, i'm in anna's bed, i'm pulling myself back together, i'm going back to school for the first time after break, i'm driving with dave and jake the night MZ died, i'm losing my grip and learning to stand up again, my dad is moving out, i'm cleaning the house in a fit of mania, i'm lying in the shower crying, i'm deleting photos and text out of my phone, i'm staying up all night with dave and eating his mom's waffles the next day adn driving around to pick up pittman and i'm in his basement singing, "i'm not runnin away". i'm redefining who i am, i'm becoming self-aware.
when i listen to the mixes justin made me, i'm driving erratically, i'm spending too much money, i'm writing poems in oceanography, i have a car after 2 months of bumming rides, i'm just about to fall asleep when my phone rings and for the first time in 3 and a half months, your name is on the screen. i'm on the floor of my laundry room at 3am on the phone, falling asleep incredilous, i'm in my bed at 5am, reading a text apology for not listening to my advice, i'm in steadfast and hating it, i'm getting drunk dialed by my dad, i'm on the floor of the copy room at church in the dark crying and listening to my dad's voice crack.
when i listen to the newest mix my sarah made me, i'm frustrated, i'm scared and numb and lying in bed all day in an empty house, i'm not aware of time, i am perpetually sick to my stomach, i'm losing 6 lbs in a few weeks, i'm freaking out and paniky all the time, my car is dying in the intersection by wendy's, my heart's breaking and i'm on the phone making rash plans to run off to indiana, i'm losing my self and i'm not listening to music anymore.
when i listen to the mix jess made me, i'm on a plane, i'm seeing my sister for the first time in 6 yrs, i'm seeing mountains for the first time in 14 yrs, spring is starting, i'm facing 5 weeks of school left, i'm experiencing really high highs and extreme lows, i'm in the city in the sun, i'm learning piano, i'm nervous about the summer, i'm out of money, i'm happy and miserable, i'm becoming complete and falling apart, i'm curious, i want to save the day, i'm losing people, i am becoming different everyday.
when i listen everything you ever gave me, i think of you, i think of being in your car, i think of lying on the couch sideways with you in starbucks, i think of walking around the lake, i think of the woods, i think of the jewel parking lot, i think of Lot 4, i think of diet coke and menthol cough drops, i think of covering up with black jackets and blankets, i think of crying in the snow in jerret's yard, i think of the smell of leaves and the smell of your face. i think of you singing to me in the practice room on the right, i think of the time we all drove to lagrotto's and i'd never heard taking back sunday, the time i went to your car on break between classes because no one could find you, so i just walked around until i spotted and heard you car, and we sat in silence and you pretended to be asleep, and listened to acoustic fall out boy on loop, it was the worst feeling in the world. when i listen to plans and transatlanticism by death cab, and swiss army romance by dashboard confessional, it reminds me of this autumn, and when i listen to secret valentine by we the kings, possibly the worst song ever written, i think of driving to school in mid-september experiencing my first feelings of being excited to see you. i think of blushing in spanish class. i think of that dead bird.
when i listen to the postal service, i think of jenny. when i listen to the spice girls, i think of reilly. when i listen to blue october, i think of jake. when i listen to the blues brothers and fall out boy and zz top, i think of my cousin ben. when i listen to regina spektor i think of jess and a girl in england i have never met. when i listen to tegan and sara, i think of being 19.
when i listen to country, i think of my grandmother, my parents. i think of listening to bluegrass with my dad, of watchin o brother where art thou? with him.
i watched it today. well, the last half.
last night i had a dream about being at some house or something, that had a lot of kids around, and i was a kid, but i had the same mind i have as a 19 yr old. i went into this club house thing that i had to crawl through, and it was a tight fit in some spots, but it was so well lit, this club house in the backyard, and it sort of reminded me of being a kid at absolute fun, all the levels and layers and seemingly endless choices of directions and the colors...
i came out into a huge room, that reminded me of movies i've seen with huge hide-out spots, like in Hook, or in the HUnchback of Notre Dame where all the gypsies live underneath the city graveyard with colored fabric everywhere. and there were books all over the place. huge stacks of them. and lots of kids, but we werent crowded in. and there were like, booth-rooms with beds inside, and curtains to draw across the front. it looked like the changing stalls at cornerstone, except prettier and nicer and bigger and less wet. all over the walls people had written in colored sharpie stories and names and poems.
then i had another dream that i was walking through a store with my grandma, it was like i was little and 19 at the same time again, and we were looking for my aunt amy. aunt amy died at the age of 32 or so about 7 years ago. i was 12. she lived in rochelle.
anyway, we found her looking through a rack of clothes or something, and my grandmother told her that she had found her a wedding dress (my aunt got married when i was 8, i was a jr. bridesmaid). aunt amy asked where she got it, and my grandmother explained it belonged to the family. (my aunt did wear an old dress, but the dress in the dream didnt look like the real one.) my aunt loved it, was so happy, ect. then we were at a cabin in the woods on the lake, my whole family, and my aunt was just so beautiful and young and not really quite like i remembered her actually being, but she was outstanding nontheless. and it was like i knew she was going to die because the 19 yr old me had gone to her funeral. i literally felt oppressive sadness for my mother. amy was her closest sibling out of the 4 kids my grandma had. i cant imagine losing hayley. i was sobbing in my dream. i felt it like it was real. my aunt's picture is in a few places in the house. i sometimes forget about her. but mom and aunt amy went roadtripping out west. amy moved to oregon when my mom lived there. my sister is NAMED after her. i am having one of those impact moments where you really feel like you are kind of an adult, because i'm being empathetic for my mom. i'm putting myself in her shoes, and understanding and feeling bad for not being understanding earlier.
i get mom a little better when i have these moments.
my aunt died of diabetes. i walked down the stairs one morning. i dont know why. it was dark. maybe i had school. it was april 2002. my aunt had been in the hospital for a while. my mom was up there like, the day before. she was on the phone in the kitchen when i stood in the dining room and she dropped the phone on the floor and started sobbing and just fell apart and said "she's gone." i dont remember what happened after that. i dont know if i hugged my mom, or if she went to her room, or if i just walked away not knowing what to do. my dad was in Oregon to bury his brother-in-law, who was quite a bit older, but had also died of diabetes. my dad was gone the whole time. he wasnt there for the funeral, he wasnt there for anything. people kept bringing food to the house that i didnt like, and we had to eat it, and i felt bad when mom yelled at us for complaining. we were 12, 9 and 5. we didnt like cream corn cassarole, but people spent time and effort to make us food so we ought to eat it and be grateful.
there's a vhs tape somewhere that;s like a memorial slide show of her whole life set to sad country music that we had made after dad came home with a similar tape for uncle clint set to super sad garth brooks music. i think i might find it and watch it later.
i never knew my aunt as a person. i was just a kid, you know? but amy fassig-wyatt was/is to my mom what Hayley is to me.
i miss hayley. i was gone in utah for a week, and had sarah, so it was fine, then i had like, 4 days with hayley before she went to virginia. meh.