take the hinges off the door.
people tell me i'm predictable. that's not nessecarily a bad thing. but i hate it when people say that. i don't know why. i guess i just want to be overly spontaneous, but to be totally unpredictable is no good for the people in my life. they can't count on me if i'm wholly unpredictable. then again, when people tell me i'm predictable, i try to take it as a compliment, like, "oh, i know you'll always be there for me if i need you" type of thing, which i also try to do for the people i care about, but i don't get that kind of "you're predictable in this way" response. I get the, "i knew you would respond like this/say that/do that/act this way." and i dont like that. it makes me feel like people assume to have me all figured out or are like, looking down at me mockingly, like, "ha-ha, i win." i don't know why this is a problem for me.
i know myself. other people know me, i guess. i rebel. sometimes, i am unpredictable to myself, like, i know i want to do or say something and then i do a seemingly good job of convincing myself not to and then it just happens, because subconciously, even though i know it's probably A FREAKIN BAD IDEA, i still want to for some lame ass reason, so it happens. maybe i just have a lot less self-control than i thought. i'm kind of afraid of myself today. what i really want manifests itself in ugly ways sometimes.
i hate being inarticulate. i hate when my heart is saying something and i understand the feeling and sometimes i even know the words in my head, but i cant verbalize them. i cant speak, i cant type, i can only stammer and develop new nervous habits. i never picked at my cuticles or nails before when i was nervous before in my whole life until today. i recognized i was doing it, i wanted to stop, but i needed to do something with my hands. you flipped your phone in your hand over and over in your hand so fast it made me more nervous, so i said goodbye and apologized and left and fumbled around inside my car to find keys... sunglasses... roll down windows... you stared out your windshield and didn't blink or move. i thought i was going to throw up all day, except when you were driving. that should have made my stomach turn, but it was comforting. it was familiar. it's like how i drive now, after not having a car for two months, i became erratic and reckless behind the wheel.
they are all unpredictably predictable. like, i am surprised a little bit, but really, my intuition is right more times than i ever acknowledge. i almost always have the story figured out before it's told to me or i ask of it, but i am always afraid i'll be wrong. i'm hardly ever wrong, though. i am naive. i really am. but i'm also smart as hell. like, i am a freakin intelligent person when it comes to academic things, and when i can use academic skills to solve little puzzles in my relationships with people, i usually solve them no problem. i get it right. i pretend i dont know though, until i hear it from them. then sometimes i dont even acknowledge that i knew all along, because what's the point? let em think i was in the dark or indifferent the whole time. i wasnt. sometimes, though, i tell them i knew allll along. I CALL THEM ON THEIR BULLSHIT. Cash and Kathy, i am talking to you.
i am confusedly happy lately. like, i am happy, undeniably, but things arent as good as they could be. i hold myself back. i need to have my phone taken away from me. it's freeing. i realized today that i left my phone in the car several times today because i didnt even remember to bring it. like, i usually carry that thing everywhere. but today i forgot i had one. maybe it was because i was with really one of the only people i ever carry around my phone for. i never realized that. maybe that's it. damnit, i am so pathetic. the reason i'm not completely happy is because i am still not happy with myself. sometimes i just want to run off and become a gypsy and cut myself off from everything and everyone and just live... be free. then i remember i would miss my sisters. and i remember that sometimes things happen that people need to get ahold of me for. like people dying.
i have pseudo-dreams where my dad dies all the time. like, i always wonder who will be there when i get the news, who will be the one that takes care of me when i run away and withdraw. who will be around? who will i let in? How will my family respond? Will i be able to dump my Dad's ashes at Martin Rapids on the MacKenzie River in Oregon?
i had a bizarrely normal dream about hangin out with caleb. like, it was so normal it was boring. but, like, comforting boring. like we talked about mundane stuff and just cruised around muncie in his crappy car and sat around outside with other people like i lived there or something. those were last night. the two nights before, i had outrageous dreams about Dave decieving me and disappearing. maybe this is like, some subconcious fear that Dave will screw me over or simply vanish and i'll never hear from him again, which would suck. he's one of the best people i know.
i'm tired of people telling me they are bad people. the same people tell me i'm a good person. what the hell does all that mean? what is the standard? why am i considered so good and other people are like, "listen, shelby, i am a bad person. therefore, all my actions are confusing to you, because you are a good person and wouldnt do that. now, do you understand why you are confused?" um, hi, no, that is not an excuse. you knew better the whole time, and did it anyway, but EVERYONE does that. i guess the difference is that i dont have the thoughts to do these things, and those people have them and have to decide if they'll do what they're thinking. i simply never have the idea. i learn how to be an asshole from the people who have done it to me. today i told a kid he was never going to talk to me again. i told him to delete my number, because he'll never need it. i was having horrible flashbacks to "Don't ever f***ing bother me again, damnit, you hear me? Forget me and forget this number. I dont ever want to F***ING HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN. I am blocking your f***ing number. Get f***ed and die." etc. I tried to be kinder than that... obviously, but i've never really talked to someone like i did today. I've never needed to. "You crossed the line. I'm done."
I feel like a bad person occasionally. does this make me one? i guess, since idk the standard scale of goodness vs. badness, and it seems to me that generally, if someone thinks they are a bad person, it gives them the excuse to do shit and have a reason. idk if that's better than a jackass claiming to be a good person and then being a jackass and thinking it's totally fine.
Tomorrow will be an average day. I will do a little job hunting, shopping for stuff for the trip, play some jazz, do well in music theory, etc.
I need to make lists. i am a list maker. that's how i organize my thoughts, my things-to-do, it's how i start writing sometimes. if i cant think of what i mean, start listing stuff in a particular vague category and your subconcious will suddenly flow from your pen and stare you in the face from your paper. and viola, you have something to work with. i need to organize myself for these last two days of school and then organize everything for SLC. i dont care if it's control. it's what works for me. i'd be so screwed over if i didnt occasionally.
I watched SCL Punk! last night. phenomenally amazing. I will watch it several more times this week before i take it back to Blockbuster.
thursday, right after appreciation, i'm driving down to Normal to pick up Ashley and two of her friends and then driving up to Milwaukee to see Ben Folds. Jerret got free tickets and gave them to me. Then i will drive BACK to freakin Normal, potentially sleep, go home that day and see Hayley's play, do laundry and pack and get everything straight the rest of the weekend for when i leave at like, 3am tuesday morning for the airport.
i dont know how the hell i'm getting to the airport yet. like... i have pseudo-asked both dave and justin and i'm sure that either would probably take me and be a good sport about it, but i havent got for-sure answers from either. neither said yes... neither said no. someone told me to ask Emily. hahaha. Her car wont make it to Midway. i dont really have anyone else that i can just be like, yo, airport, 3am, let's go, who has a reliable vehicle and no obligations the following morning they need to sleep beforehand for. i'm not too worried. i'll get it figured out. i know how to get what i want, intuitively, i just usually dont go through the proper procedure, i jack it up, or i hesitate, and that's not the way to be. you gotta be assertive and just go for it with everything you've got.
"don't apologize shelbs, it's ok."
"i just want to absolve and quit worrying about shit from the past."
i know myself. other people know me, i guess. i rebel. sometimes, i am unpredictable to myself, like, i know i want to do or say something and then i do a seemingly good job of convincing myself not to and then it just happens, because subconciously, even though i know it's probably A FREAKIN BAD IDEA, i still want to for some lame ass reason, so it happens. maybe i just have a lot less self-control than i thought. i'm kind of afraid of myself today. what i really want manifests itself in ugly ways sometimes.
i hate being inarticulate. i hate when my heart is saying something and i understand the feeling and sometimes i even know the words in my head, but i cant verbalize them. i cant speak, i cant type, i can only stammer and develop new nervous habits. i never picked at my cuticles or nails before when i was nervous before in my whole life until today. i recognized i was doing it, i wanted to stop, but i needed to do something with my hands. you flipped your phone in your hand over and over in your hand so fast it made me more nervous, so i said goodbye and apologized and left and fumbled around inside my car to find keys... sunglasses... roll down windows... you stared out your windshield and didn't blink or move. i thought i was going to throw up all day, except when you were driving. that should have made my stomach turn, but it was comforting. it was familiar. it's like how i drive now, after not having a car for two months, i became erratic and reckless behind the wheel.
they are all unpredictably predictable. like, i am surprised a little bit, but really, my intuition is right more times than i ever acknowledge. i almost always have the story figured out before it's told to me or i ask of it, but i am always afraid i'll be wrong. i'm hardly ever wrong, though. i am naive. i really am. but i'm also smart as hell. like, i am a freakin intelligent person when it comes to academic things, and when i can use academic skills to solve little puzzles in my relationships with people, i usually solve them no problem. i get it right. i pretend i dont know though, until i hear it from them. then sometimes i dont even acknowledge that i knew all along, because what's the point? let em think i was in the dark or indifferent the whole time. i wasnt. sometimes, though, i tell them i knew allll along. I CALL THEM ON THEIR BULLSHIT. Cash and Kathy, i am talking to you.
i am confusedly happy lately. like, i am happy, undeniably, but things arent as good as they could be. i hold myself back. i need to have my phone taken away from me. it's freeing. i realized today that i left my phone in the car several times today because i didnt even remember to bring it. like, i usually carry that thing everywhere. but today i forgot i had one. maybe it was because i was with really one of the only people i ever carry around my phone for. i never realized that. maybe that's it. damnit, i am so pathetic. the reason i'm not completely happy is because i am still not happy with myself. sometimes i just want to run off and become a gypsy and cut myself off from everything and everyone and just live... be free. then i remember i would miss my sisters. and i remember that sometimes things happen that people need to get ahold of me for. like people dying.
i have pseudo-dreams where my dad dies all the time. like, i always wonder who will be there when i get the news, who will be the one that takes care of me when i run away and withdraw. who will be around? who will i let in? How will my family respond? Will i be able to dump my Dad's ashes at Martin Rapids on the MacKenzie River in Oregon?
i had a bizarrely normal dream about hangin out with caleb. like, it was so normal it was boring. but, like, comforting boring. like we talked about mundane stuff and just cruised around muncie in his crappy car and sat around outside with other people like i lived there or something. those were last night. the two nights before, i had outrageous dreams about Dave decieving me and disappearing. maybe this is like, some subconcious fear that Dave will screw me over or simply vanish and i'll never hear from him again, which would suck. he's one of the best people i know.
i'm tired of people telling me they are bad people. the same people tell me i'm a good person. what the hell does all that mean? what is the standard? why am i considered so good and other people are like, "listen, shelby, i am a bad person. therefore, all my actions are confusing to you, because you are a good person and wouldnt do that. now, do you understand why you are confused?" um, hi, no, that is not an excuse. you knew better the whole time, and did it anyway, but EVERYONE does that. i guess the difference is that i dont have the thoughts to do these things, and those people have them and have to decide if they'll do what they're thinking. i simply never have the idea. i learn how to be an asshole from the people who have done it to me. today i told a kid he was never going to talk to me again. i told him to delete my number, because he'll never need it. i was having horrible flashbacks to "Don't ever f***ing bother me again, damnit, you hear me? Forget me and forget this number. I dont ever want to F***ING HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN. I am blocking your f***ing number. Get f***ed and die." etc. I tried to be kinder than that... obviously, but i've never really talked to someone like i did today. I've never needed to. "You crossed the line. I'm done."
I feel like a bad person occasionally. does this make me one? i guess, since idk the standard scale of goodness vs. badness, and it seems to me that generally, if someone thinks they are a bad person, it gives them the excuse to do shit and have a reason. idk if that's better than a jackass claiming to be a good person and then being a jackass and thinking it's totally fine.
Tomorrow will be an average day. I will do a little job hunting, shopping for stuff for the trip, play some jazz, do well in music theory, etc.
I need to make lists. i am a list maker. that's how i organize my thoughts, my things-to-do, it's how i start writing sometimes. if i cant think of what i mean, start listing stuff in a particular vague category and your subconcious will suddenly flow from your pen and stare you in the face from your paper. and viola, you have something to work with. i need to organize myself for these last two days of school and then organize everything for SLC. i dont care if it's control. it's what works for me. i'd be so screwed over if i didnt occasionally.
I watched SCL Punk! last night. phenomenally amazing. I will watch it several more times this week before i take it back to Blockbuster.
thursday, right after appreciation, i'm driving down to Normal to pick up Ashley and two of her friends and then driving up to Milwaukee to see Ben Folds. Jerret got free tickets and gave them to me. Then i will drive BACK to freakin Normal, potentially sleep, go home that day and see Hayley's play, do laundry and pack and get everything straight the rest of the weekend for when i leave at like, 3am tuesday morning for the airport.
i dont know how the hell i'm getting to the airport yet. like... i have pseudo-asked both dave and justin and i'm sure that either would probably take me and be a good sport about it, but i havent got for-sure answers from either. neither said yes... neither said no. someone told me to ask Emily. hahaha. Her car wont make it to Midway. i dont really have anyone else that i can just be like, yo, airport, 3am, let's go, who has a reliable vehicle and no obligations the following morning they need to sleep beforehand for. i'm not too worried. i'll get it figured out. i know how to get what i want, intuitively, i just usually dont go through the proper procedure, i jack it up, or i hesitate, and that's not the way to be. you gotta be assertive and just go for it with everything you've got.
"don't apologize shelbs, it's ok."
"i just want to absolve and quit worrying about shit from the past."