i was nineteen... call me?
i swear, that tegan and sara song nineteen is my life. it's just one of those songs that, the first time you hear it, you are like... "this is me. this is what i know. this is something i will listen to over and over because it justifies myself."
i don't know what to do. i stopped digging that hole i talked about earlier. now i'm just sitting on the edge with the shovel across my lab, legs dangling in, and i'm looking around in all directions, including down into my nice hole that i've done so much work on.
i'm really cold. i really don't want to be here doing nothing. but it's 12am and the only friend i have that i could just go hang out with in the middle of the night is busy, which is fine, except i have no one else quite like that. i have friends that i could call up in the middle of the night all distraught and crying or just needing to talk, but no one wants to leave the house at 12.30am on a sunday morning just to sit around and do nothing.
last night i picked up jerret and we drove to streator and got good and lost, got sub-par chinese that gave me trouble hours later, went to this venue called the Total Rec, and watched Justin's band play. They werent bad, really. They did a good job and Justin really had a blast being up there. He enjoys every second and is positively euphoric before and after the set. Two friends from my class of 2008, Caroline Doran and Heather Friedlein were there, and we had one of those "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?! [hugs]" moments. Heather is dating a guitarist from Fickle's Lot, which i am still really perplexed about. But it was soooo good to see them. And Lucas, Karis and Makari, who were there for Makari's love of Fickle's Lot. Speaking of whom, i had vowed to never see one of their shows again, but they were entertaining in a horrifying "what the efffff" sort of way.
Today i hung out in Peru with the sisters, we went with emily to get tattoo #5, i lusted after an iPod and spent more money than i wanted to.
Seriously, i should not buy an iPod, but i really want one. and most likely need one. my mp3 player stopped working randomly on the amtrak from Union Station to Mendota in january and i have a few hours long plane flights coming up, but if i buy this and my mom finds out, i'm dead. she was pissed enough that i'm spending my tuition waiver on plane tickets, and told me i was gonna blow it all and i still need a job. i really dont know what to do.
this is stupid. my problems are stupid. seriously. i just need to get my shit together, get my head on straight, figure out my priorities, figure out why i usually want what i shouldnt, and figure out what to do about my emotional confusion instead of sitting around waiting for one of them to act.
but i'm scared i'll make the wrong decision.
i can't wait to see my sister in 9 days.
i can't wait to be out West. I can't wait to see mountains and listen to a lot of muse and eat my sister's cooking and hang out with the boys and get out in the world and meet some real life Mormons and get away from my weird emotional confusion for a few days.
i dont know who will be waiting for me at the airport when i come home yet. i'm not even sure who's taking me. i hinted to dave that i needed a ride, which i dont think he and jake would be opposed to, even though we have to leave the Illinois Valley at 3am to get there by 5am, so i can fly away at 6am.
all i know is, i know who will be there when i land in Utah. and when i am in Colorado for my layover, i will keep my eyes open for Reese Roper. It's unrealistic, but it's like looking for David Crowder in Waco. i keep the dream alive.
Speaking of DC, his band once ran into Lisa Loeb at an airport and played her some songs, so why is it unreasonable that i might see Reese Roper at the Denver airport or see David at the Waco Sonic off the interstate? it's not. so there.
my house is so cold and i dont want to be sleeping alone tonight.
i don't know what to do. i stopped digging that hole i talked about earlier. now i'm just sitting on the edge with the shovel across my lab, legs dangling in, and i'm looking around in all directions, including down into my nice hole that i've done so much work on.
i'm really cold. i really don't want to be here doing nothing. but it's 12am and the only friend i have that i could just go hang out with in the middle of the night is busy, which is fine, except i have no one else quite like that. i have friends that i could call up in the middle of the night all distraught and crying or just needing to talk, but no one wants to leave the house at 12.30am on a sunday morning just to sit around and do nothing.
last night i picked up jerret and we drove to streator and got good and lost, got sub-par chinese that gave me trouble hours later, went to this venue called the Total Rec, and watched Justin's band play. They werent bad, really. They did a good job and Justin really had a blast being up there. He enjoys every second and is positively euphoric before and after the set. Two friends from my class of 2008, Caroline Doran and Heather Friedlein were there, and we had one of those "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?! [hugs]" moments. Heather is dating a guitarist from Fickle's Lot, which i am still really perplexed about. But it was soooo good to see them. And Lucas, Karis and Makari, who were there for Makari's love of Fickle's Lot. Speaking of whom, i had vowed to never see one of their shows again, but they were entertaining in a horrifying "what the efffff" sort of way.
Today i hung out in Peru with the sisters, we went with emily to get tattoo #5, i lusted after an iPod and spent more money than i wanted to.
Seriously, i should not buy an iPod, but i really want one. and most likely need one. my mp3 player stopped working randomly on the amtrak from Union Station to Mendota in january and i have a few hours long plane flights coming up, but if i buy this and my mom finds out, i'm dead. she was pissed enough that i'm spending my tuition waiver on plane tickets, and told me i was gonna blow it all and i still need a job. i really dont know what to do.
this is stupid. my problems are stupid. seriously. i just need to get my shit together, get my head on straight, figure out my priorities, figure out why i usually want what i shouldnt, and figure out what to do about my emotional confusion instead of sitting around waiting for one of them to act.
but i'm scared i'll make the wrong decision.
i can't wait to see my sister in 9 days.
i can't wait to be out West. I can't wait to see mountains and listen to a lot of muse and eat my sister's cooking and hang out with the boys and get out in the world and meet some real life Mormons and get away from my weird emotional confusion for a few days.
i dont know who will be waiting for me at the airport when i come home yet. i'm not even sure who's taking me. i hinted to dave that i needed a ride, which i dont think he and jake would be opposed to, even though we have to leave the Illinois Valley at 3am to get there by 5am, so i can fly away at 6am.
all i know is, i know who will be there when i land in Utah. and when i am in Colorado for my layover, i will keep my eyes open for Reese Roper. It's unrealistic, but it's like looking for David Crowder in Waco. i keep the dream alive.
Speaking of DC, his band once ran into Lisa Loeb at an airport and played her some songs, so why is it unreasonable that i might see Reese Roper at the Denver airport or see David at the Waco Sonic off the interstate? it's not. so there.
my house is so cold and i dont want to be sleeping alone tonight.