Liz's Instant Glee-Cap - 5x17 - Opening Night
"Opening Night!" I was going to say "finally," but who even knows how time works in the Glee universe.
Dream-Kurt is waking up Rachel with a stage manager headset, saying she's on, complete with studio applause. Her bed is in the middle of the McKinley stage, and everyone is their past selves. Tina has a stutter and a blue streak in her hair, Santana is wearing her Cheerios uniform, Kurt is in his original Defying Gravity sweater. Sue, KAROFSKY, JBI, Becky, and every nightmare cliche you can think of, including losing a tooth and her Finn necklace. Rachel's back in animal sweaters and plaid skirts singing “Lovefool.” OMG, Blaine is in the blazer and they're all grooving along and this is the best dream sequence ever. TRIPPY as FUCK. Poor Rachel, she is seriously freaking out about her opening night.
Anyways, Kurt is there to make her tea (looking smoking hot in a green t-shirt I MEAN WHAT?), and she's flipping out because she read the comments sections of some of her reviews and now she's freaking out. Never go in the comments, Rachel. Kurt takes her phone and laptop and enforces her being unplugged until opening night is done. He's going to lock her in the loft of love and have the people who know her tell her how great she is.
Oh god, WHY are we at McKinley? Apparently Emma is too pregnant to fly, so Sue wants to go with Will to New York to see Rachel's opening night. Oy. Apparently she ranted about how much New York sucks on “Sue’s Corner,” but it turns out she’s never actually been there. So she needs to go to see with her own two eyes how much it sucks. Great.
Oh fuck, a Sue/Will duet in a snow globe? This is MY nightmare. Except... the song is actually pretty well suited to the two of them (ah, it’s from Annie, I get it…). The trouble is, I’m so angry about them eating up precious minutes of screen time that I can’t even give them the credit the performers deserve. They do come out of the magical subway station that connects NYC and Lima, though, so there's that.
Tina arrives! Everyone's at the loft surrounding Rachel, who is on vocal rest, and Tina is kind enough to remind Rachel of that time she got laryngitis. And the fact that a lot of their friends AREN’T there. (Whoa, is this the first episode that Artie wasn’t in?? I thought his streak would go all the way to the end.) And oh yeah those comment-section trolls. WAY TO STICK YOUR FOOT IN IT, TINA. Also, Tina has already dated at least one nice gay boy at Brown (naturally), and Mercedes is just going to take her ridiculous ass back to the other apartment.
Rachel grits her teeth into a smile saying she’s going to take a nap, but clearly she’s going off the deep end.
In the middle of the night, Kurt is asleep (with BRUCE?! Okay, my headcanon is that it’s hard for him to sleep on the nights that Blaine doesn’t stay over, so he busts out the boyfriend pillow.), when he wakes to hear Rachel freaking out over shitty blogger reviews of her previews. Kurt runs in to confiscate her laptop again, and she's surrounded by the worst newspaper clippings she can find. (HOW IS HE SO HOT IN A SIMPLE T SHIRT?) “Oh, honey,” he says. This is not good.
Kurt summons the praise buffet back to the loft to try to get through to Rachel. It's the morning of the show and she's refusing to go on. They each have an idea to cheer her up. Sam has his guitar, Blaine comes in with a Namaste and OMG IS HE OFFERING A MASSAGE? SIGN ME UP. Kurt has tea and a supposed love note from Barbra herself. Oh, but god dammit, someone misspelled Barbra’s name (DAMMIT, TINA). Guitar strings get snapped, even Blaine gets kicked out.
We get a little meta/fourth-wall commentary on access to people via Twitter and the sheer volume of hate and criticism. I appreciate the truth, but the moment is clunky.
And then Sue shows up with a rant about their unlocked door and the five of them just stare with their mouths hanging open. Don't worry, SHE'S STAYING IN KURT'S ROOM. Oh god. WHY.
Tina, unfortunately, suggests that things can’t get worse. Which means that Santana is back in town. (I'm not sure where she took a cab from, where she’s living, where she’s been… apparently that is not mine to know.)
Santana doesn't even flinch when she sees Sue ranting about swallowing mustard to induce vomiting, and she says all she needs is four minutes with Rachel.
Santana is, in fact, the closer. She pulled up some horrible negative reviews, but they were actually written in 1964 about Barbra. Rachel going to kill it and that's the end of the story
(Can I even talk about how much I love Kurt's vest?)
Opening night time, and naturally Will catches Sue trying to scalp her ticket, weaseling out of going to the show. And then she... locks eyes with Dr. Specimen from 30 Rock? Oh why is this eating up my screen time. He's trying to scalp, too. They have a slo-mo moment. WHY WHY WHY.
Schue comes back to Rachel's dressing room, to wish her well. She got Finn a ticket out there. Oh, my heart, I'm so glad she’s thinking of him. He would have been so proud of her. Anyways, Schue is proud, la la la. Except the phone rings and Emma is in labor, because of course she is. Bye bye, Schuester. You served almost no useful purpose in this episode.
We get the full walk through backstage with Rachel, with the cacophony of the orchestra tuning (my favorite sound), and then just heartbeats and silence. Curtain up. Applause. Excellent shot.
We get Rachel singing “I’m the Greatest Star.” Kurt’s version has a very special place in my heart, but of course she was made to sing this. Sue is being a bitch next to the Times critic while Kurt tries to shush her, and then she up and leaves in the middle of the song which of course Rachel sees. (Also, hi Darren's parents! I love friend-and-family cameos...)
Sue's magic-moment guy leaves, too. What on EARTH. They meet in the lobby to bond over hating the show. He owns some restaurants, why don't they go grab a bite. Why, though? WHY THE EFF IS THIS ON MY SCREEN?
At intermission, Kurt and Mercedes come to visit, but Rachel's back to freaking out because of Sue and the Times guy. Producer Sidney comes back to compliment her, too. But he did notice Sue leaving and good god. NO PRESSURE JESUS IF THE NYT CRITIC DOESN’T LIKE IT THEN THE SHOW IS OVER. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
And why am I back at Sue's dinner date? I mean, it’s kind of cracky as Sue throws in random tidbits of her history. And they’re strangely good together, which is bothering me more than any of it. Because why NOW, of all the episodes in the last five years, do we suddenly see Sue Sylvester find someone (weird but) nice to her. Because like, yay for chemistry, but WHY? THIS IS NOT THE SHOW I WANT TO BE WATCHING. THIS IS NOT NEW YORK GLEE. Though I did have a moment of wondering if the guy was a con artist. Alas, no.
Rachel gets the final number, “Who Are You Now,” that always makes her think of Finn and if they do flashbacks I’m going to die. WHY IS SUE SINGING IT OH MY GOD?? WHY. I mean, it's the best she's ever sounded, but I'm just annoyed completely beyond the capacity for rational thought.
FUCK THERE GO THE FLASHBACKS WHY. I saw them coming but WHY OUCH OUCH. At least it was only one? Oh, my heart.
Anyways, everyone is backstage to celebrate. Everyone was thrilled, including producer Sidney. Yay for Rachel! Sidney invites all of them to an opening night cast party at an Italian restaurant, but Rachel doesn't want to go. She really just wants to surround herself with her group of close friends. Wise choice. Blaine knows a place in the Village instead.
BLAINE ANDERSON YOU PARTY ANIMAL. Seriously, the place BLAINE chooses is a gay bar with scantily clad men and pounding house music? I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS. But the best part of all is that they instantly recognize Rachel and are big fans. TIME TO PARTY. Take off that bow tie, Blaine Anderson and get down. Taking Rachel (and everyone else) to a gay bar was a FANTASTIC idea and is Kurt lying in your lap? I just watched this number three times a row and am going to need every frame of it in gif form, please and thank you.
They all tumble back into the loft when it's already light out and I want this to be every night. But anyways, review comes out in 30 minutes, so Rachel is going to put on coffee so they can all go get the paper together. (Sam is already out cold on the couch.) OH FOR THE LOVE con artist restaurant guy is there with Sue and I'm going to barf. OH GOD THEY HAD SEX ALL OVER THE APARTMENT BARF BARF BARF.
Rachel shuts Sue down in a moment of absolute poetry. Kurt can't stop smiling, and Blaine looks delighted over Sue’s shoulder. Rachel summarily kicks them out of her apartment and gets a standing O from the rest of the crew.
Newspaper time and they're all still in yesterday's clothes, which tickles me to no end. Santana can’t handle the suspense and starts reading the review out loud for all of them. They each take a turn reading the praises of Rachel Berry, and it’s delightful.
Schue calls with news of the baby, Daniel Finn. Oh, everyone pauses. Sigh. Happiness for everyone.
More Sue, WHY? Restaurant dude wants her to stay in New York, but Sue remembers she has a daughter and belongs in Ohio. I actually almost panicked at this moment, chanting to myself that they are NOT allowed to have Sue fucking Sylvester move to New York. Sues like being the big fish in the little pond, thank god. NO MAKING OUT JESUS. I CANNOT. I need to go scrub my eyes, and I’m just pissed off at this show for attempting to make me care about Sue right now.
And we end on (what I most assuredly hope is) Sue’s final Corner on WOHN. Yes, New York is smelly, but it’s also rife with possibility and maybe she does love it. Super.
Well.
I guess three really good episodes in a row was as good a run as I could really expect, huh? Because this was… not the best.
Honestly, everything that did NOT involve Sue or Will? I liked it. It wasn't hugely compelling from a plot standpoint, but I liked it. I liked all of the friends gathering to support Rachel, I like each of their personalities and flaws and what they brought to the table. I loved them as a happy group out enjoying the city together. Yay.
But Will and Sue get a huge NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NO FUCKING WAY from me. Look, I don’t hate Jane Lynch. I think she’s great in a million ways and if the plot had been something that didn’t make me want to stab my eyes out, I would be able to say that she was actually quite good in this episode. But I was SO ANGRY that she was there, I really cannot even get over it. Schue, too. I haven’t liked the character in ages, but for the brief moment he was there, he certainly sounded good in the song he sang. But just NO.
So the sum total is just kind of a big “eh” for me.
Liz’s Instant Glee-Cap Rating: 3 stars of 5 is the best I can offer. It wasn’t offensively horrible, but it wasn’t very good, either.
Liz’s Instant Song Downloads:
“Pumpin’ Blood” - aka the song from the club, because I need to jam to that song
I’m considering Rachel’s two Funny Girl songs, but I’m undecided.
What about you, friends?
Dream-Kurt is waking up Rachel with a stage manager headset, saying she's on, complete with studio applause. Her bed is in the middle of the McKinley stage, and everyone is their past selves. Tina has a stutter and a blue streak in her hair, Santana is wearing her Cheerios uniform, Kurt is in his original Defying Gravity sweater. Sue, KAROFSKY, JBI, Becky, and every nightmare cliche you can think of, including losing a tooth and her Finn necklace. Rachel's back in animal sweaters and plaid skirts singing “Lovefool.” OMG, Blaine is in the blazer and they're all grooving along and this is the best dream sequence ever. TRIPPY as FUCK. Poor Rachel, she is seriously freaking out about her opening night.
Anyways, Kurt is there to make her tea (looking smoking hot in a green t-shirt I MEAN WHAT?), and she's flipping out because she read the comments sections of some of her reviews and now she's freaking out. Never go in the comments, Rachel. Kurt takes her phone and laptop and enforces her being unplugged until opening night is done. He's going to lock her in the loft of love and have the people who know her tell her how great she is.
Oh god, WHY are we at McKinley? Apparently Emma is too pregnant to fly, so Sue wants to go with Will to New York to see Rachel's opening night. Oy. Apparently she ranted about how much New York sucks on “Sue’s Corner,” but it turns out she’s never actually been there. So she needs to go to see with her own two eyes how much it sucks. Great.
Oh fuck, a Sue/Will duet in a snow globe? This is MY nightmare. Except... the song is actually pretty well suited to the two of them (ah, it’s from Annie, I get it…). The trouble is, I’m so angry about them eating up precious minutes of screen time that I can’t even give them the credit the performers deserve. They do come out of the magical subway station that connects NYC and Lima, though, so there's that.
Tina arrives! Everyone's at the loft surrounding Rachel, who is on vocal rest, and Tina is kind enough to remind Rachel of that time she got laryngitis. And the fact that a lot of their friends AREN’T there. (Whoa, is this the first episode that Artie wasn’t in?? I thought his streak would go all the way to the end.) And oh yeah those comment-section trolls. WAY TO STICK YOUR FOOT IN IT, TINA. Also, Tina has already dated at least one nice gay boy at Brown (naturally), and Mercedes is just going to take her ridiculous ass back to the other apartment.
Rachel grits her teeth into a smile saying she’s going to take a nap, but clearly she’s going off the deep end.
In the middle of the night, Kurt is asleep (with BRUCE?! Okay, my headcanon is that it’s hard for him to sleep on the nights that Blaine doesn’t stay over, so he busts out the boyfriend pillow.), when he wakes to hear Rachel freaking out over shitty blogger reviews of her previews. Kurt runs in to confiscate her laptop again, and she's surrounded by the worst newspaper clippings she can find. (HOW IS HE SO HOT IN A SIMPLE T SHIRT?) “Oh, honey,” he says. This is not good.
Kurt summons the praise buffet back to the loft to try to get through to Rachel. It's the morning of the show and she's refusing to go on. They each have an idea to cheer her up. Sam has his guitar, Blaine comes in with a Namaste and OMG IS HE OFFERING A MASSAGE? SIGN ME UP. Kurt has tea and a supposed love note from Barbra herself. Oh, but god dammit, someone misspelled Barbra’s name (DAMMIT, TINA). Guitar strings get snapped, even Blaine gets kicked out.
We get a little meta/fourth-wall commentary on access to people via Twitter and the sheer volume of hate and criticism. I appreciate the truth, but the moment is clunky.
And then Sue shows up with a rant about their unlocked door and the five of them just stare with their mouths hanging open. Don't worry, SHE'S STAYING IN KURT'S ROOM. Oh god. WHY.
Tina, unfortunately, suggests that things can’t get worse. Which means that Santana is back in town. (I'm not sure where she took a cab from, where she’s living, where she’s been… apparently that is not mine to know.)
Santana doesn't even flinch when she sees Sue ranting about swallowing mustard to induce vomiting, and she says all she needs is four minutes with Rachel.
Santana is, in fact, the closer. She pulled up some horrible negative reviews, but they were actually written in 1964 about Barbra. Rachel going to kill it and that's the end of the story
(Can I even talk about how much I love Kurt's vest?)
Opening night time, and naturally Will catches Sue trying to scalp her ticket, weaseling out of going to the show. And then she... locks eyes with Dr. Specimen from 30 Rock? Oh why is this eating up my screen time. He's trying to scalp, too. They have a slo-mo moment. WHY WHY WHY.
Schue comes back to Rachel's dressing room, to wish her well. She got Finn a ticket out there. Oh, my heart, I'm so glad she’s thinking of him. He would have been so proud of her. Anyways, Schue is proud, la la la. Except the phone rings and Emma is in labor, because of course she is. Bye bye, Schuester. You served almost no useful purpose in this episode.
We get the full walk through backstage with Rachel, with the cacophony of the orchestra tuning (my favorite sound), and then just heartbeats and silence. Curtain up. Applause. Excellent shot.
We get Rachel singing “I’m the Greatest Star.” Kurt’s version has a very special place in my heart, but of course she was made to sing this. Sue is being a bitch next to the Times critic while Kurt tries to shush her, and then she up and leaves in the middle of the song which of course Rachel sees. (Also, hi Darren's parents! I love friend-and-family cameos...)
Sue's magic-moment guy leaves, too. What on EARTH. They meet in the lobby to bond over hating the show. He owns some restaurants, why don't they go grab a bite. Why, though? WHY THE EFF IS THIS ON MY SCREEN?
At intermission, Kurt and Mercedes come to visit, but Rachel's back to freaking out because of Sue and the Times guy. Producer Sidney comes back to compliment her, too. But he did notice Sue leaving and good god. NO PRESSURE JESUS IF THE NYT CRITIC DOESN’T LIKE IT THEN THE SHOW IS OVER. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?
And why am I back at Sue's dinner date? I mean, it’s kind of cracky as Sue throws in random tidbits of her history. And they’re strangely good together, which is bothering me more than any of it. Because why NOW, of all the episodes in the last five years, do we suddenly see Sue Sylvester find someone (weird but) nice to her. Because like, yay for chemistry, but WHY? THIS IS NOT THE SHOW I WANT TO BE WATCHING. THIS IS NOT NEW YORK GLEE. Though I did have a moment of wondering if the guy was a con artist. Alas, no.
Rachel gets the final number, “Who Are You Now,” that always makes her think of Finn and if they do flashbacks I’m going to die. WHY IS SUE SINGING IT OH MY GOD?? WHY. I mean, it's the best she's ever sounded, but I'm just annoyed completely beyond the capacity for rational thought.
FUCK THERE GO THE FLASHBACKS WHY. I saw them coming but WHY OUCH OUCH. At least it was only one? Oh, my heart.
Anyways, everyone is backstage to celebrate. Everyone was thrilled, including producer Sidney. Yay for Rachel! Sidney invites all of them to an opening night cast party at an Italian restaurant, but Rachel doesn't want to go. She really just wants to surround herself with her group of close friends. Wise choice. Blaine knows a place in the Village instead.
BLAINE ANDERSON YOU PARTY ANIMAL. Seriously, the place BLAINE chooses is a gay bar with scantily clad men and pounding house music? I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS. But the best part of all is that they instantly recognize Rachel and are big fans. TIME TO PARTY. Take off that bow tie, Blaine Anderson and get down. Taking Rachel (and everyone else) to a gay bar was a FANTASTIC idea and is Kurt lying in your lap? I just watched this number three times a row and am going to need every frame of it in gif form, please and thank you.
They all tumble back into the loft when it's already light out and I want this to be every night. But anyways, review comes out in 30 minutes, so Rachel is going to put on coffee so they can all go get the paper together. (Sam is already out cold on the couch.) OH FOR THE LOVE con artist restaurant guy is there with Sue and I'm going to barf. OH GOD THEY HAD SEX ALL OVER THE APARTMENT BARF BARF BARF.
Rachel shuts Sue down in a moment of absolute poetry. Kurt can't stop smiling, and Blaine looks delighted over Sue’s shoulder. Rachel summarily kicks them out of her apartment and gets a standing O from the rest of the crew.
Newspaper time and they're all still in yesterday's clothes, which tickles me to no end. Santana can’t handle the suspense and starts reading the review out loud for all of them. They each take a turn reading the praises of Rachel Berry, and it’s delightful.
Schue calls with news of the baby, Daniel Finn. Oh, everyone pauses. Sigh. Happiness for everyone.
More Sue, WHY? Restaurant dude wants her to stay in New York, but Sue remembers she has a daughter and belongs in Ohio. I actually almost panicked at this moment, chanting to myself that they are NOT allowed to have Sue fucking Sylvester move to New York. Sues like being the big fish in the little pond, thank god. NO MAKING OUT JESUS. I CANNOT. I need to go scrub my eyes, and I’m just pissed off at this show for attempting to make me care about Sue right now.
And we end on (what I most assuredly hope is) Sue’s final Corner on WOHN. Yes, New York is smelly, but it’s also rife with possibility and maybe she does love it. Super.
Well.
I guess three really good episodes in a row was as good a run as I could really expect, huh? Because this was… not the best.
Honestly, everything that did NOT involve Sue or Will? I liked it. It wasn't hugely compelling from a plot standpoint, but I liked it. I liked all of the friends gathering to support Rachel, I like each of their personalities and flaws and what they brought to the table. I loved them as a happy group out enjoying the city together. Yay.
But Will and Sue get a huge NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NO FUCKING WAY from me. Look, I don’t hate Jane Lynch. I think she’s great in a million ways and if the plot had been something that didn’t make me want to stab my eyes out, I would be able to say that she was actually quite good in this episode. But I was SO ANGRY that she was there, I really cannot even get over it. Schue, too. I haven’t liked the character in ages, but for the brief moment he was there, he certainly sounded good in the song he sang. But just NO.
So the sum total is just kind of a big “eh” for me.
Liz’s Instant Glee-Cap Rating: 3 stars of 5 is the best I can offer. It wasn’t offensively horrible, but it wasn’t very good, either.
Liz’s Instant Song Downloads:
“Pumpin’ Blood” - aka the song from the club, because I need to jam to that song
I’m considering Rachel’s two Funny Girl songs, but I’m undecided.
What about you, friends?