Liz's Instant Glee-Cap - 5x16 - Tested
It’s funny, attempting to live the spoiler-free life while participating in fandom at large. Because on the one hand, I don’t feel like I knew much of anything about this episode going into it, other than the tiny bits and pieces from the promo at the end of last week’s. I didn’t really know plot at all, I didn’t know songs other than the clip from the promo. And yet, it turns out I had seen quite a handful of behind-the-scenes photos, either because I simply can’t make myself unfollow some of the cast members on Instagram (why can’t I quit you??), or because things I didn’t recognize were floating by, untagged, on my Tumblr dash.
It’s a balancing act, really, and one I’m mostly okay with these days. Even if the tiny spoilers that do leak through make me really anxious for the big ones that I know are lurking behind my blacklist.
At any rate, let’s find out what’s going on with tonight’s episode!
We start on a deliciously cracky note, with a black & white WWII-era PSA on STDs, starring the four boys in sailor suits. Yes, okay. I'm on board. OMFG, the voiceover. STRAPPING MALE SOPRANO. DEBONAIR HOMOSEXUAL. Good god, I love this ridiculous show. Anyways, they should get tested for STDs!
Blaine has a delighted voiceover, all about how much he loves New York. Most especially, the wide variety of spectacular food in New York. He eats his way through every cuisine he can imagine, because he CAN and it's THERE and it's DELICIOUS. (And of course he's on a first-name basis with the gyros food truck guy.) Especially the cronuts. Oh god, that looks delicious, even though he's shoving the entire thing in his face at once. Oh hell, I ain't gonna judge. Do I need to discuss my croissant and chocolate milk addictions when I was pregnant?
I'M SORRY, WAS KURT JUST DOING PUSH UPS IN HIS UNDERWEAR BECAUSE I THINK I BLACKED OUT.
Sorry. Gotta rewind. Blaine is clearly having sleepovers on Saturdays because he serves Kurt breakfast in bed on Sundays (including cronus) and KURT IS DOING PUSHUPS IN HIS UNDERWEAR GOD BLESS. Jesus. How many times in a row can I watch this.
And shirtless Blaine is bouncing around on his bed because he can't get his pants buttoned. Oh good god I love this show. Bless you all. I've missed you, Blaine's ass. I'm glad you've worked out any contract issues so that you can return as a series regular. Hope they've given you a really nice trailer.
(Also, I love his little belly. Also, I feel bad about all of the waxing these poor boys have to do. Good lord, let them have a little hair on their chests for Pete's sake.)
Artie is apparently all kinds of popular at film school. The geeky look that got him ridiculed in high school now just makes him a hipster or something. And the LADIES, WOO. I don't even know, man. They think he's a genius, and each of them are insane. The third cute girl is doing a voiceover for his pretentious film about a plastic bag.
Oh for the love of god, Artie is singing "Addicted to Love" about how he's getting his mack on at school. I can't. I mean, I like Kevin McHale's voice quite a bit, but I've never loved this song and the whole thing is making me a little uncomfortable. Not gonna lie.
Stage combat class, Kurt Hummel has made puberty his bitch and the boys are noticing his smokin' hot bod and serious gun show. Blaine, meanwhile, is just sitting around eating cheezy poofs. Oh, Blaine. This isn't going to end well, is it? Darling boy is eating his feelings, covered in orange cheese dust, and is totally jealous. He used to be the one getting all of the attention, including for his looks, while Kurt used to be one of the girls, and I am SO EXCITED THAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS. There's a shift in the power dynamic, now that Kurt is leading man material, and Blaine isn't sure he's comfortable with it.
Samcedes are making out on the couch and she smacks his wandering hands. Time for a talk: Mercedes is a virgin, Sam is not. She's sweet, he does his best to take it in stride and say they can go at whatever speed she sets. Yay for talking about this stuff.
The four boys are out for sweets, and Sam wants to get tested to make sure he has a clean bill of health, as one way to help reassure Mercedes. They all should! Kurt's surprised that Sam and Mercedes haven't done it yet, and Kurt and Blaine haven't been tested since the Eli C. debacle (Blaine's FACE when he says that) - please do, boys. Anyways, sounds like they're making a group outing to the free clinic in Chelsea.
At the restaurant, by the way, Blaine ordered big ass frozen chocolate goodies for them both. Kurt is ready to have one sip and jog home, Blaine thinks he should eat the whole thing. Oh, Blaine.
Artie gets a phone call, dude has chlamydia. DOH. Now he just feels like a walking STD prop, and that visual cracked me up to no end.
The four dudes (how much do I love Kurt hanging with the dudes instead of Rachel and Mercedes) are at the loft watching TV when Artie fesses up. Um, hasn't been wearing a condom, BAD IDEA and everyone tells him so. Sam is actively slutshaming him because he needs it. I kind of love this conversation, including Blaine telling Sam to chill out, but that Artie needs to tell the girls he's sleeping with. (In the meantime, Kurt is eating a salad while Blaine munches on a bowl of popcorn or cheesy poofs or something.)
Artie thankfully doesn't waver and does the right thing by telling the two girls he's been sleeping with about the diagnosis. Vanessa (girl number one) does not take the news well and has decided to tell everyone that he is patient zero. Jessica (punk-ish girl number two), meanwhile, is entirely too casual about the news - like, whatevs, she'll just pick up another round of antibiotics on the way home. And cute girl the third now wants to go out with him after declining his initial invitation, so they've got a date. Super, I'm sure this will go well.
Sam is being his usual good-hearted self and is going to church with Mercedes, even though he's nervous about it. Oh, and while they head in, he shows off his clean bill of health, which is lovely, but still dude. Slow down. She's a little grateful but mostly freaked out by this conversation.
Also, his skinny booty isn't quite sure what to do in the pew for that long, but he's totally impressed and enjoying the service (and is not the only white dude there, at least). Ooh, Mercedes is singing. Um, possibly about sex in the middle of church. That's... weird. Though I'm appreciating the 80s hits tonight, and I will really never be sad about Mercedes singing. And this red dress is super adorable on her, unlike some of her outfits from last week. And hey, in front of everyone, she pulls up Sam, and even gets a round of applause and a hug from the pastor. Aww.
Back to stage combat class. KURT WITH SAIS YES OKAY. DITCHING THE SHIRT AGAIN OKAY. HOT DAMN. Kurt is strong and shirtless (god bless), Blaine is flailing and looking so young. Kurt notices, though, and wants to be mindful of him. He doesn't want his newfound confidence to hurt Blaine.
Later that day (I think), Kurt says "let's have a dinner ad movie date night." Blaine makes the fattiest carb-heavy dinner he possibly can, and Kurt balks. Blaine accuses him of being "manorexic," Kurt just says he's trying to take care of his body. He's an actor, after all, it's his instrument. Self-conscious Blaine takes that as an insult, that his "instrument" isn't so great. Um, no, Kurt thinks you're just as handsome as ever. How 'bout they just walk to a movie.
Kurt goes to look up showtimes on Blaine's computer and it's open to some fratboy porn. Blaine's computer time is his business, but they haven't gotten busy in like a week and is this why? Kurt storms out.
(I'm sorry, but it makes me kind of happy when they fight because I want them to deal with this stuff?)
Rachel nd Mercedes have a lady chat about first times, and I think it might be the sweetest thing. I LOVE casual, cozy, non-Diva Rachel. Mercedes wants her first time to be special and she is nervous and isn't sure she's ready. Rachel says it's special when you care about each other, and Sam's a good guy, so maybe don't totally psych yourself out about it and go for it if you decide the time is right.
Stage combat again. Blaine rushes in because he was supposed to meet Kurt at the diner to walk over, but Kurt got off early and forgot to text. Way to blow him off, Kurt. THIS IS NOT HOW WE DEAL PRODUCTIVELY WITH OUR ISSUES. Blaine whispers that Kurt must still be mad about the "website thing," but Kurt sais "no, god" and rolls his eyes. I'm unconvinced. Blaine wants to talk about it, but Kurt says sometimes he thinks they talk too much.
"Love is a Battlefield." Damn, would not have expected this as a Klaine duet and I might love it. FIGHT FIGHT. GET IT OUT. HOW ARE THEY BOTH SO FUCKING HOT? Sorry. Oh damn, though, shit gets reall when the swords come out. They're both pretty aggressive at this point. Clearly they do, in fact, need to talk. But, I'm sorry, they're still both super hot when they're mad. Can't help it, it's the truth.
Kurt's working at the diner when Sam and Mercedes stop by. Sam is apparently trying to impress Mercedes by ordering something expensive, but seriously, it's a diner. Artie is there with his date, and I kind of forgot about both of them. I love the diner as a set, by the way. Artie is paranoid and thinks Kurt asks if he wants HPV or Herpes. HEHEHE.
OMFG, Artie's hallucinations with Kurt are cracking me up. So he snaps and gets spectacularly awkward with his date and says they can't have sex for 7-10 days. She thinks he's insane. They're on a first date and she had no intention of doing any such thing, regardless. Weirdo.
Sam, meanwhile, genuinely wants to show Mercedes he cares, whether it's sex or dates or whatever. I like that they actually had two of the plots going on at the same time in the same place.
The 80s hits keep coming, Mercedes and Artie sing "Let's Wait a While" to their dates. Sam and Mercedes are at least on the same page, ish, but Artie's date thinks he's a freaking nutter. AWKWARD. Poor girl, she just isn't used to this nonsense with the quasi-double dates and the singing. Oh god, Sam gets in on it too and she just looks like she wants to bolt. Except she sings a little bit of backup, eventually. She's trying. Poor girl.
Back at church, Mercedes has some praying to do. The making out is getting hot and heavy, and she's enforcing her boundaries. Sam might be bummed, but he's listening. But, like whoa, after praying she's decided to wait until she gets married. Sam is, not unreasonably, taken aback by this news. He adores her, but damn, he's a 19-year-old man with needs who does not have the same agenda.
Seriously? This is about the most real sex talk Glee has ever had, and I'm proud. Two grown people have a legitimate difference of opinion/feeling on the subject, and while either might get a little upset, neither gets shitty or mad. Sam needs to go think, though, and heads out for a walk.
Kurt arrives home at the loft, where Blaine is waiting, and it's time to talk about what the HELL was going on in Stage Combat. Blaine wants to prove that he's as strong as Kurt is. For the first time in his life, he feels like he's losing. And even more to the point, he feels like Kurt doesn't need him anymore. He loved being able to help and protect Kurt, all those years ago, but now Kurt is a big success and Blaine is floundering.
And layered on top of that are Blaine's body image issues. He's insecure in a way he's never been, and it's only exacerbated in his mind, being next to spectacularly-hot new Kurt. And yeah, that's getting in the way of their intimacy, and it cuts right to the core of his fear: that Kurt is just going to keep getting more awesome, and will realize he really doesn't need Blaine, after all.
Kurt, through this whole exchange, is not having it. This really isn't a two-sided conflict. Kurt loves Blaine, has no interest in judging him and his body, and absolutely shuts down the idea that anything will change about that. But he's also not going to pretend to be a damsel in distress who needs to be rescued. He wants Blaine with him, but he wants them to be equals.
God, this was so great. SO GREAT. I love seeing them have conflict like this, because it's so REAL. Blaine has a lot of figuring out to do, and yeah, Kurt has a year's head start on him. And yeah, they're still learning how to communicate and argue and figure things out and I LOVE THAT about them.
Anyways, Artie finds Julie of the awkward date and apologizes for the awkwardness. He also confesses the STD thing. She, frankly, is even more grossed out at his standards for who he's sleeping with, because she thinks they're both idiots. See ya, Artie. Julie, OUT.
AND THEN THERE WAS FUCKING BREAKING NEWS IN BOSTON AND I MISSED EVERYTHING AFTER THE LAST COMMERCIAL BREAK EXCEPT FOR THE FINAL MINUTE. Shit. Guess I'll have to watch on Hulu in the morning and come back and update this part. God dammit.
[edited when I finally got to watch the damn ending on Hulu.
At some point in the evening, Mercedes gets a call from Sam just as she’s arriving home, and she is pretty sure he’s going to break up with her. She opens the door to her apartment to discover a fire hazard worth of candles that she’s pretty sure is Blaine’s doing, but no, it’s Sam. (Can I say how relieved I am that he says he has a fire extinguisher?)
So, Sam’s been praying on this issue, too, and he’s done thinking it over. Sex is amazing, but Mercedes is even more amazing. Aww.
Ooh! More girl talk! Rachel and Mercedes as friends instead of silly diva-offs is so lovely. Rachel especially loves having an actual, mellow girlfriend to talk to. Mercedes is still spelling S-E-X and is grateful for the advice, and I love that she wants it to be “making love, not bumping uglies.” Rachel says Sam must really love her to pieces if he’s a 19-year-old saying he’s fine not having sex, and Mercedes maybe backs off on the “until marriage” bit if she decides it’s right for her. You do you, Mercedes.
OH MY GOD, Rachel is actually TALKING about that moment from TEN EPISODES AGO when she momentarily flirted with Sam, and I am positively THRILLED. I love that they remember this and actually deal with it: it was more that Sam was nice and reminded her of home and Finn.
And then Mercedes gently asks if there are any cute boys on her horizon, if maybe she wants to put herself out there, and Rachel says no. Not right now. At some point, okay, but not now.
WOW do I love this scene. The two of them are so sweet with each other, so casual and natural and caring. I’m with you, Rachel. I love that you have an actual girlfriend in New York. And Mercedes, welcome darling. Missed you.
Back with the dudes at the restaurant, Blaine is putting garlic salt, splenda, and hot sauce into some coconut water, and all three of the others (Kurt included) are looking at him like he’s lost his mind. Anyways, he’s doing a cleanse and he and Kurt are working on eating healthier together and working out together. Artie, meanwhile, has gotten a gigantic phallic bowl of dicks banana split. Kurt wonders if maybe he wants to talk about what in the hell he’s stress-eating over there.
Okay, and now I’ve caught up to my distressing Breaking News black hole!]
Anyways, the four boys are out for dinner (or something) again, and Artie is bumming about the downsides to being the film school player and seems to want to change his ways. He says sex isn't the "be all end all," and Kurt and Blaine's synchronized head-tilts of skepticism are perfection. Sam talks about waiting with Mercedes (do I assume they had some conversation about that? stupid breaking news...), and suggests that the four of them do their own Abstience Club, and blessedly Kurt and Blaine shut that down as a terrible, terrible idea.
We end on Blaine taking a horrified sip of coconut water, saying no Oscar is worth that, and apparently I missed something else. Dangit.
Okay, so there is SO MUCH that I liked about this episode. Frankly, as a former Planned Parenthood intern, I’m psyched that they addressed safer sex and getting tested. I really loved that Sam and Mercedes actually discussed their differences with regard to sex in a really respectful way (I assume nothing in the last few minutes that I missed will change that opinion?).
But SO MUCH of what I loved was (shocker) between Kurt and Blaine. I loved the commentary on “masculinity” and strength and where Kurt fits in with the guys and coming into his own and being comfortable in his body. I loved this intentional switch, now putting Kurt with the rest of the guys in a way that he never was before, a space that was primarily occupied by Blaine. In the extremely recent past, the assumed divide would absolutely have been Kurt going with Rachel and Mercedes, while Blaine was with Sam and Artie. I really like seeing that shift.
And I like, frankly, that Blaine feels threatened by it. He’s not wrong, it IS a shift in their dynamic. That kind of change makes a ton of sense that it would throw Blaine off and hit at the core of some of his insecurities.
I love that it was all RIGHT THERE ON MY SCREEN. We weren’t inferring things about Blaine being insecure. We weren’t making connections between episodes and seasons and comparing background moments. It was RIGHT. THERE. It was discussed and argued over and brought up to the surface and I LOVED IT. Blaine was so BLAINE. Including some ugly parts, some unfair and unpleasant reactions, and I loved that too. I love it when he’s real.
And Kurt was Kurt. Kurt has fought for every inch that he’s gained, socially and physically, and isn’t going to give it up because it makes Blaine uncomfortable. He still adores Blaine, absolutely loves him and has no intention of any of that changing in the slightest. But he is not going to be any less than who he is. He’d much rather find ways to help Blaine catch up than to intentionally slow himself down. And no, Kurt wasn’t perfect, either. He fought just as hard during “Love is a Battlefield.” He refused to address the issue for a time. And again, I love it all the more for it. Because I don’t know about you, but I don’t always fight fair, either. Especially when I’m pissed and hurting.
Gah, it’s nearly 11PM and I still have a lot to say, and my Tumblr dash is exploding, and I’m still going to have three kids wide awake in not very many hours, so I’m going to stop here and maybe come back with more thoughts later.
What did you think, friends?
Liz’s Instant Glee-Cap Rating: 4 of 5 stars, lots of really meaty stuff in this episode, even if it wasn't all perfect
Liz’s Instant Song Downloads:
“Love is a Battlefield” is the only one for now, but I very much appreciated all of the 80s music this episode. Reminded me of when I used to watch a lot of MTV, you know, when they actually played videos most of the time.
P.S. Can you believe there were only four songs, total? I was sure I mis-counted. That's a pretty plot-heavy episode by Glee standards.
It’s a balancing act, really, and one I’m mostly okay with these days. Even if the tiny spoilers that do leak through make me really anxious for the big ones that I know are lurking behind my blacklist.
At any rate, let’s find out what’s going on with tonight’s episode!
We start on a deliciously cracky note, with a black & white WWII-era PSA on STDs, starring the four boys in sailor suits. Yes, okay. I'm on board. OMFG, the voiceover. STRAPPING MALE SOPRANO. DEBONAIR HOMOSEXUAL. Good god, I love this ridiculous show. Anyways, they should get tested for STDs!
Blaine has a delighted voiceover, all about how much he loves New York. Most especially, the wide variety of spectacular food in New York. He eats his way through every cuisine he can imagine, because he CAN and it's THERE and it's DELICIOUS. (And of course he's on a first-name basis with the gyros food truck guy.) Especially the cronuts. Oh god, that looks delicious, even though he's shoving the entire thing in his face at once. Oh hell, I ain't gonna judge. Do I need to discuss my croissant and chocolate milk addictions when I was pregnant?
I'M SORRY, WAS KURT JUST DOING PUSH UPS IN HIS UNDERWEAR BECAUSE I THINK I BLACKED OUT.
Sorry. Gotta rewind. Blaine is clearly having sleepovers on Saturdays because he serves Kurt breakfast in bed on Sundays (including cronus) and KURT IS DOING PUSHUPS IN HIS UNDERWEAR GOD BLESS. Jesus. How many times in a row can I watch this.
And shirtless Blaine is bouncing around on his bed because he can't get his pants buttoned. Oh good god I love this show. Bless you all. I've missed you, Blaine's ass. I'm glad you've worked out any contract issues so that you can return as a series regular. Hope they've given you a really nice trailer.
(Also, I love his little belly. Also, I feel bad about all of the waxing these poor boys have to do. Good lord, let them have a little hair on their chests for Pete's sake.)
Artie is apparently all kinds of popular at film school. The geeky look that got him ridiculed in high school now just makes him a hipster or something. And the LADIES, WOO. I don't even know, man. They think he's a genius, and each of them are insane. The third cute girl is doing a voiceover for his pretentious film about a plastic bag.
Oh for the love of god, Artie is singing "Addicted to Love" about how he's getting his mack on at school. I can't. I mean, I like Kevin McHale's voice quite a bit, but I've never loved this song and the whole thing is making me a little uncomfortable. Not gonna lie.
Stage combat class, Kurt Hummel has made puberty his bitch and the boys are noticing his smokin' hot bod and serious gun show. Blaine, meanwhile, is just sitting around eating cheezy poofs. Oh, Blaine. This isn't going to end well, is it? Darling boy is eating his feelings, covered in orange cheese dust, and is totally jealous. He used to be the one getting all of the attention, including for his looks, while Kurt used to be one of the girls, and I am SO EXCITED THAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS. There's a shift in the power dynamic, now that Kurt is leading man material, and Blaine isn't sure he's comfortable with it.
Samcedes are making out on the couch and she smacks his wandering hands. Time for a talk: Mercedes is a virgin, Sam is not. She's sweet, he does his best to take it in stride and say they can go at whatever speed she sets. Yay for talking about this stuff.
The four boys are out for sweets, and Sam wants to get tested to make sure he has a clean bill of health, as one way to help reassure Mercedes. They all should! Kurt's surprised that Sam and Mercedes haven't done it yet, and Kurt and Blaine haven't been tested since the Eli C. debacle (Blaine's FACE when he says that) - please do, boys. Anyways, sounds like they're making a group outing to the free clinic in Chelsea.
At the restaurant, by the way, Blaine ordered big ass frozen chocolate goodies for them both. Kurt is ready to have one sip and jog home, Blaine thinks he should eat the whole thing. Oh, Blaine.
Artie gets a phone call, dude has chlamydia. DOH. Now he just feels like a walking STD prop, and that visual cracked me up to no end.
The four dudes (how much do I love Kurt hanging with the dudes instead of Rachel and Mercedes) are at the loft watching TV when Artie fesses up. Um, hasn't been wearing a condom, BAD IDEA and everyone tells him so. Sam is actively slutshaming him because he needs it. I kind of love this conversation, including Blaine telling Sam to chill out, but that Artie needs to tell the girls he's sleeping with. (In the meantime, Kurt is eating a salad while Blaine munches on a bowl of popcorn or cheesy poofs or something.)
Artie thankfully doesn't waver and does the right thing by telling the two girls he's been sleeping with about the diagnosis. Vanessa (girl number one) does not take the news well and has decided to tell everyone that he is patient zero. Jessica (punk-ish girl number two), meanwhile, is entirely too casual about the news - like, whatevs, she'll just pick up another round of antibiotics on the way home. And cute girl the third now wants to go out with him after declining his initial invitation, so they've got a date. Super, I'm sure this will go well.
Sam is being his usual good-hearted self and is going to church with Mercedes, even though he's nervous about it. Oh, and while they head in, he shows off his clean bill of health, which is lovely, but still dude. Slow down. She's a little grateful but mostly freaked out by this conversation.
Also, his skinny booty isn't quite sure what to do in the pew for that long, but he's totally impressed and enjoying the service (and is not the only white dude there, at least). Ooh, Mercedes is singing. Um, possibly about sex in the middle of church. That's... weird. Though I'm appreciating the 80s hits tonight, and I will really never be sad about Mercedes singing. And this red dress is super adorable on her, unlike some of her outfits from last week. And hey, in front of everyone, she pulls up Sam, and even gets a round of applause and a hug from the pastor. Aww.
Back to stage combat class. KURT WITH SAIS YES OKAY. DITCHING THE SHIRT AGAIN OKAY. HOT DAMN. Kurt is strong and shirtless (god bless), Blaine is flailing and looking so young. Kurt notices, though, and wants to be mindful of him. He doesn't want his newfound confidence to hurt Blaine.
Later that day (I think), Kurt says "let's have a dinner ad movie date night." Blaine makes the fattiest carb-heavy dinner he possibly can, and Kurt balks. Blaine accuses him of being "manorexic," Kurt just says he's trying to take care of his body. He's an actor, after all, it's his instrument. Self-conscious Blaine takes that as an insult, that his "instrument" isn't so great. Um, no, Kurt thinks you're just as handsome as ever. How 'bout they just walk to a movie.
Kurt goes to look up showtimes on Blaine's computer and it's open to some fratboy porn. Blaine's computer time is his business, but they haven't gotten busy in like a week and is this why? Kurt storms out.
(I'm sorry, but it makes me kind of happy when they fight because I want them to deal with this stuff?)
Rachel nd Mercedes have a lady chat about first times, and I think it might be the sweetest thing. I LOVE casual, cozy, non-Diva Rachel. Mercedes wants her first time to be special and she is nervous and isn't sure she's ready. Rachel says it's special when you care about each other, and Sam's a good guy, so maybe don't totally psych yourself out about it and go for it if you decide the time is right.
Stage combat again. Blaine rushes in because he was supposed to meet Kurt at the diner to walk over, but Kurt got off early and forgot to text. Way to blow him off, Kurt. THIS IS NOT HOW WE DEAL PRODUCTIVELY WITH OUR ISSUES. Blaine whispers that Kurt must still be mad about the "website thing," but Kurt sais "no, god" and rolls his eyes. I'm unconvinced. Blaine wants to talk about it, but Kurt says sometimes he thinks they talk too much.
"Love is a Battlefield." Damn, would not have expected this as a Klaine duet and I might love it. FIGHT FIGHT. GET IT OUT. HOW ARE THEY BOTH SO FUCKING HOT? Sorry. Oh damn, though, shit gets reall when the swords come out. They're both pretty aggressive at this point. Clearly they do, in fact, need to talk. But, I'm sorry, they're still both super hot when they're mad. Can't help it, it's the truth.
Kurt's working at the diner when Sam and Mercedes stop by. Sam is apparently trying to impress Mercedes by ordering something expensive, but seriously, it's a diner. Artie is there with his date, and I kind of forgot about both of them. I love the diner as a set, by the way. Artie is paranoid and thinks Kurt asks if he wants HPV or Herpes. HEHEHE.
OMFG, Artie's hallucinations with Kurt are cracking me up. So he snaps and gets spectacularly awkward with his date and says they can't have sex for 7-10 days. She thinks he's insane. They're on a first date and she had no intention of doing any such thing, regardless. Weirdo.
Sam, meanwhile, genuinely wants to show Mercedes he cares, whether it's sex or dates or whatever. I like that they actually had two of the plots going on at the same time in the same place.
The 80s hits keep coming, Mercedes and Artie sing "Let's Wait a While" to their dates. Sam and Mercedes are at least on the same page, ish, but Artie's date thinks he's a freaking nutter. AWKWARD. Poor girl, she just isn't used to this nonsense with the quasi-double dates and the singing. Oh god, Sam gets in on it too and she just looks like she wants to bolt. Except she sings a little bit of backup, eventually. She's trying. Poor girl.
Back at church, Mercedes has some praying to do. The making out is getting hot and heavy, and she's enforcing her boundaries. Sam might be bummed, but he's listening. But, like whoa, after praying she's decided to wait until she gets married. Sam is, not unreasonably, taken aback by this news. He adores her, but damn, he's a 19-year-old man with needs who does not have the same agenda.
Seriously? This is about the most real sex talk Glee has ever had, and I'm proud. Two grown people have a legitimate difference of opinion/feeling on the subject, and while either might get a little upset, neither gets shitty or mad. Sam needs to go think, though, and heads out for a walk.
Kurt arrives home at the loft, where Blaine is waiting, and it's time to talk about what the HELL was going on in Stage Combat. Blaine wants to prove that he's as strong as Kurt is. For the first time in his life, he feels like he's losing. And even more to the point, he feels like Kurt doesn't need him anymore. He loved being able to help and protect Kurt, all those years ago, but now Kurt is a big success and Blaine is floundering.
And layered on top of that are Blaine's body image issues. He's insecure in a way he's never been, and it's only exacerbated in his mind, being next to spectacularly-hot new Kurt. And yeah, that's getting in the way of their intimacy, and it cuts right to the core of his fear: that Kurt is just going to keep getting more awesome, and will realize he really doesn't need Blaine, after all.
Kurt, through this whole exchange, is not having it. This really isn't a two-sided conflict. Kurt loves Blaine, has no interest in judging him and his body, and absolutely shuts down the idea that anything will change about that. But he's also not going to pretend to be a damsel in distress who needs to be rescued. He wants Blaine with him, but he wants them to be equals.
God, this was so great. SO GREAT. I love seeing them have conflict like this, because it's so REAL. Blaine has a lot of figuring out to do, and yeah, Kurt has a year's head start on him. And yeah, they're still learning how to communicate and argue and figure things out and I LOVE THAT about them.
Anyways, Artie finds Julie of the awkward date and apologizes for the awkwardness. He also confesses the STD thing. She, frankly, is even more grossed out at his standards for who he's sleeping with, because she thinks they're both idiots. See ya, Artie. Julie, OUT.
AND THEN THERE WAS FUCKING BREAKING NEWS IN BOSTON AND I MISSED EVERYTHING AFTER THE LAST COMMERCIAL BREAK EXCEPT FOR THE FINAL MINUTE. Shit. Guess I'll have to watch on Hulu in the morning and come back and update this part. God dammit.
[edited when I finally got to watch the damn ending on Hulu.
At some point in the evening, Mercedes gets a call from Sam just as she’s arriving home, and she is pretty sure he’s going to break up with her. She opens the door to her apartment to discover a fire hazard worth of candles that she’s pretty sure is Blaine’s doing, but no, it’s Sam. (Can I say how relieved I am that he says he has a fire extinguisher?)
So, Sam’s been praying on this issue, too, and he’s done thinking it over. Sex is amazing, but Mercedes is even more amazing. Aww.
Ooh! More girl talk! Rachel and Mercedes as friends instead of silly diva-offs is so lovely. Rachel especially loves having an actual, mellow girlfriend to talk to. Mercedes is still spelling S-E-X and is grateful for the advice, and I love that she wants it to be “making love, not bumping uglies.” Rachel says Sam must really love her to pieces if he’s a 19-year-old saying he’s fine not having sex, and Mercedes maybe backs off on the “until marriage” bit if she decides it’s right for her. You do you, Mercedes.
OH MY GOD, Rachel is actually TALKING about that moment from TEN EPISODES AGO when she momentarily flirted with Sam, and I am positively THRILLED. I love that they remember this and actually deal with it: it was more that Sam was nice and reminded her of home and Finn.
And then Mercedes gently asks if there are any cute boys on her horizon, if maybe she wants to put herself out there, and Rachel says no. Not right now. At some point, okay, but not now.
WOW do I love this scene. The two of them are so sweet with each other, so casual and natural and caring. I’m with you, Rachel. I love that you have an actual girlfriend in New York. And Mercedes, welcome darling. Missed you.
Back with the dudes at the restaurant, Blaine is putting garlic salt, splenda, and hot sauce into some coconut water, and all three of the others (Kurt included) are looking at him like he’s lost his mind. Anyways, he’s doing a cleanse and he and Kurt are working on eating healthier together and working out together. Artie, meanwhile, has gotten a gigantic phallic bowl of dicks banana split. Kurt wonders if maybe he wants to talk about what in the hell he’s stress-eating over there.
Okay, and now I’ve caught up to my distressing Breaking News black hole!]
Anyways, the four boys are out for dinner (or something) again, and Artie is bumming about the downsides to being the film school player and seems to want to change his ways. He says sex isn't the "be all end all," and Kurt and Blaine's synchronized head-tilts of skepticism are perfection. Sam talks about waiting with Mercedes (do I assume they had some conversation about that? stupid breaking news...), and suggests that the four of them do their own Abstience Club, and blessedly Kurt and Blaine shut that down as a terrible, terrible idea.
We end on Blaine taking a horrified sip of coconut water, saying no Oscar is worth that, and apparently I missed something else. Dangit.
Okay, so there is SO MUCH that I liked about this episode. Frankly, as a former Planned Parenthood intern, I’m psyched that they addressed safer sex and getting tested. I really loved that Sam and Mercedes actually discussed their differences with regard to sex in a really respectful way (I assume nothing in the last few minutes that I missed will change that opinion?).
But SO MUCH of what I loved was (shocker) between Kurt and Blaine. I loved the commentary on “masculinity” and strength and where Kurt fits in with the guys and coming into his own and being comfortable in his body. I loved this intentional switch, now putting Kurt with the rest of the guys in a way that he never was before, a space that was primarily occupied by Blaine. In the extremely recent past, the assumed divide would absolutely have been Kurt going with Rachel and Mercedes, while Blaine was with Sam and Artie. I really like seeing that shift.
And I like, frankly, that Blaine feels threatened by it. He’s not wrong, it IS a shift in their dynamic. That kind of change makes a ton of sense that it would throw Blaine off and hit at the core of some of his insecurities.
I love that it was all RIGHT THERE ON MY SCREEN. We weren’t inferring things about Blaine being insecure. We weren’t making connections between episodes and seasons and comparing background moments. It was RIGHT. THERE. It was discussed and argued over and brought up to the surface and I LOVED IT. Blaine was so BLAINE. Including some ugly parts, some unfair and unpleasant reactions, and I loved that too. I love it when he’s real.
And Kurt was Kurt. Kurt has fought for every inch that he’s gained, socially and physically, and isn’t going to give it up because it makes Blaine uncomfortable. He still adores Blaine, absolutely loves him and has no intention of any of that changing in the slightest. But he is not going to be any less than who he is. He’d much rather find ways to help Blaine catch up than to intentionally slow himself down. And no, Kurt wasn’t perfect, either. He fought just as hard during “Love is a Battlefield.” He refused to address the issue for a time. And again, I love it all the more for it. Because I don’t know about you, but I don’t always fight fair, either. Especially when I’m pissed and hurting.
Gah, it’s nearly 11PM and I still have a lot to say, and my Tumblr dash is exploding, and I’m still going to have three kids wide awake in not very many hours, so I’m going to stop here and maybe come back with more thoughts later.
What did you think, friends?
Liz’s Instant Glee-Cap Rating: 4 of 5 stars, lots of really meaty stuff in this episode, even if it wasn't all perfect
Liz’s Instant Song Downloads:
“Love is a Battlefield” is the only one for now, but I very much appreciated all of the 80s music this episode. Reminded me of when I used to watch a lot of MTV, you know, when they actually played videos most of the time.
P.S. Can you believe there were only four songs, total? I was sure I mis-counted. That's a pretty plot-heavy episode by Glee standards.