Liz's Instant Glee-Cap - 5x08 - Previously Unaired Christmas
So, like, it's eternally April or May 2013 in Lima and New York. But tonight it's... Christmas? I have no earthly clue. Well, I have some thoughts and emotions on this whole time warp thing, but I'm going to try to set it aside and just focus on tonight. Let's see what absurdity Glee has in store, shall we? (For the record, I was very largely un-spoiled for this episode, though I kind of knew there was wank about it ahead of time. But that’s about it. Also? I post these recaps before I go and take the episode off of my Tumblr blacklist, so I'm not yet tuned in to whatever fandom is talking about. Just so's ya know.)
(And what's with all the TV-14 warnings all of a sudden? VIOLENCE? Seriously?)
Right, so, we open with Sue taking over the library in someone's mansion, putting coal in the stocks of Cloris Leachman and Meryl Streep, speaking directly to the camera. The joke setup is thus: a year ago, Glee filmed a Christmas special entitled "Rough Trade Santa," which was apparently too appallingly inappropriate to air and it was locked in a vault. Well, now we get it, but not the director's cut. No scenes of Blaine and his obsession with Yule Logs. Alas.
So, away we are whisked to the choir room, supposedly Christmas 2012. There's a classroom decorating contest whose theme is "Green is Good," and Tina and Sam (whose hair was magically long and scraggly last year, too) are in charge because Tina wants to win the magical tree-topper that is the grand prize. Tina is NOT FUCKING AROUND and is kind of scaring everyone with how much she wants them to win this for her. Schue wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Blaine attempts to break into "Joy to the World" and everyone tells him to shut up and I am CACKLING.
(Oh, fuck. I just realized we transported back to the dark times of the break-up and I'm terribly sad there will be no spot-the-ring gifset this week.)
Beiste is advising the Non-Denominational Christmas Club (um, I do not think that word means what you think it means), which is comprised entirely of Glee Club members, and there is ZERO fourth wall this week. I’m pretty sure the writers took the fourth wall out back, smashed it to bits with a sledgehammer, pissed on it, and set it on fire.
Artie informs the club that the school Nativity scene was vandalized, but now Figgins wants to do a live-action Nativity. Tina's melodramatic "Christmas is ruined/Christmas is saved" was probably put in just so it could become everyone’s new set of reaction gifs. The club members argue about who will be which role, insult each other, mention that maybe Nativity scenes might not be allowed on school property and then ignore it. Glee does not give one single fuck about making sense this week.
In New York (with Santana, apparently), Kurt unwraps a creepy ass doll head from Santana. He's thrilled, but then Santana gives him a gift certificate to a dildo shop in Canada and my mouth just dropped to the floor. Single-Kurt is tickled, and he's off to get some eggnog. I hope they all get shitfaced.
Santana further sets the stage for us: we are in the time of the break-ups for all, she's just visiting and brought all of the decorations and gifts (most of which are for herself as shopping therapy post-Brittany). Rachel arrives to announce that she's gotten them a gig as Santa's elves at the Midtown mall so they can see the children of famous people. She's going to be the best Jewish elf EVER.
Sam and Tina are in the hallways of McKinley arguing about classroom decor, and Sam thinks they should forage in the forest for decorations. Becky is wearing a hat with mistletoe on it (or, you know, poison sumac) and has gone OVER THE EDGE with the "you better give me some tongue" thing. That shit is fucked up. Well, at least they call her out and tell Sue she should probably check Becky into an institution for sex addiction or something.
Sue rants all kinds of madness about judging the Glee Christmas tree and I'm just sitting here with my mouth hanging open. I feel like the writers took every criticism of the show they’ve ever read (too liberal, too gay, too crass) and decided to turn it all up to ELEVEN just to see how many people they could offend at once.
Back in New York, the elves are ready. Kurt looks… okay, he looks fucking perfect. He was born to be an elf with the pink cheeks and the curl on his forehead, and I wish I was kidding (did he actually just say those tights were giving him a serious case of "man-gina?") Rachel has a particularly stupid hat pinned to her head, and Santana has her slutty-elf dress on that barely covers her naughty bits. Let's get it on.
Already-drunk Santa is NOT a fan of Kurt. So he heads off for more drinky time and tells his new elves to keep the kids entertained. Rachel, naturally, has a plan to work some NYADA magic, and sends Kurt off to play the tiny toy piano and I think I'm actually hallucinating. Did someone spike my Diet Coke at dinner tonight?
“Here Comes Santa Claus” is... what the fuck is it? There's little people with hula hoops and weird dancing with Kurt's terrible shoes and I'm suffering from significant secondhand embarrassment. Though Kurt in the background looking manic and shaking his head is making me giggle and there’s a slight chance I still might download the song. The children rebel and start throwing food and Kurt hides behind a gingerbread man and I'm laughing just remembering “We Got the Beat” from The Purple Piano Project.
Back at McKinley, I'm reminded that we are in the times of hideously bitchy Kitty and bug-eyed Marley in newsboy caps, aka the time when I really didn’t like either of them. They're talking about who is going to be the Virgin Mary in the live Nativity and OH LOOK, I REMEMBER, I DON'T CARE.
Santana is lounging in a bubble bath in Bushwick and many of the lesbians I know just had their heads explode. (You won't hear me arguing. She's totally hot and if the characters were different I'd be flipping my shit, too.) She has apparently ditched Kurt and Rachel, who are freaking out in Santa-land because Santa has passed out in a pool of his own vomit and they need her to come play Mrs. Claus until they can find another Santa.
McKinley, choir room, dancing around and decorating a tree. I feel like I've seen this scene two or three times before, no? Is it contractually required in holiday themed episodes? Unsurprisingly, it turns into "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." The background bits are the best part of the song: Ryder tangled in lights and Blaine and Sam swordfighting with bunches of twigs. We also cut to other trees in the competition. The locker room tree is being decorated with jock straps and cups, and Stoner Brett's tree is marijuana decorated with bongs. (Yo Dawg, I heard you like pot. So we put some pot in your pot so you can pot while you pot.)
Back in New York, Kurt and Rachel are giving delightfully inappropriate introductions to Mrs. Claus, and at least 50% of the viewership has their eyes bug out of their head again as Santana comes out in a short Santa dress and thigh-high stiletto boots. WHY NOT. She says as many offensive things to as many children as she possibly can and I am just shaking my head and laughing. Kurt and Rachel's horror is just as amazing as Santana's trash-talking.
Sue comes into the choir room to inspect the Glee club's tree and quiz them on how green it is. She congratulates them on not fucking everything up for once, even if it's a little weird that they won't stop humming "O Christmas Tree."
Bieste and Schue are judging the "potential virgins" (thank you Blaine, for making the same face that I did) as they audition in the auditorium. Marley, Tina, and Unique are auditioning together. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY SINGING? It’s kind of reggae and I can’t even be bothered to look up the song title. It's somehow the weirdest thing Glee has ever done and that is seriously saying something. They are, like, twerking or something? This is deliciously sacrilegious. Kitty walks out in protest.
The New York elves are freaking out backstage at Santa's house, because there's probably going to be a riot soon. NO WORRIES, chiseled shirtless Santa has arrived on the scene and Kurt's eyes are going to bug right out of his head and watching him flirt is cracking my ass up.
Sue announces the Glee kids as the winners of the tree contest and Becky flies into a rage and smashes the mini xylophone. Beiste and Schue post the cast list for the nativity and Marley gets the Virgin Mary and Kitty's still crapping on her about it. Kitty shows a moment of heart in not wanting Mary because she doesn't feel worthy of it. Mmm’kay.
The trio at the loft are prepping for shirtless Santa, which includes taking all of the ornaments off the tree so it can be tree-trimming party, and Santana advising Kurt to spike the eggnog. Shirtless Santa is committed to his role when he shows up at the loft, Kurt and Santana are nearly drooling, and I think this is how holiday-themed porn starts.
No worries. Shirtless Santa is here to get this party started with a gold thong and a fucking canister of helium. I'm pretty sure I've gone utterly 'round the bend. I'm going to start making puppets of my friends and family and acting out scenes with them. It's the fucking Chipmunks Christmas Song and Kurt is drunk and I don't even know what the fuck is happening right now. Thanks for the hips all grinding on shirtless Santa, though, Kurt. But it's cool, all three of them are shitfaced and shirtless Santa is SO going to rob them.
Becky is giving Sam and Tina her baby teeth and this is like the darkest timeline. I have lost the ability to even.
Later that evening, Rachel is drunkenly trying to convince Santana to move to New York and making fun of how she actually did last season, but they hear some noise. Kurt and shirtless Santa are totally making out. Shirtless Santa offers for the girls to join them and WHERE THE FUCK is this going?
Yeah. Exactly where I thought it was. Santana and Rachel wake up hungover and covered in tinsel to find the loft ransacked. But NO WORRIES, KURT IS HOGTIED OVER IN HIS BED AND HOLY SHIT NICE ASS, KURT. But apparently Rough-Trade Santa was trying to do a little role-playing and damn, this episode is not kidding around. I guess those warnings at the front of the episode were worth something.
Back in Christmas Club, they're trying to figure out how to get Kitty to take the role of Mary, and Unique's got it covered. She comes in as hugely pregnant black Mary in a sparkly blue dress singing "Love Child." WOW. Blaine and the boys doing the Motown moves in the background in their Angel and Wise Men costumes just adds to the perfect wrongness it, and the even deliver the baby Jesus from Unique on a table. WHOA, dude. Anyways, the horrific ploy works, Kitty will take the role.
Becky is moping around the Glee tree and Sama and Tina want to give her the angel. 'Kay.
New York crew is having a pity party in their ransacked apartment. Kurt is ashamed, Santana thinks Bushwick is worse than Lima Heights, and Rachel informs them that they've all been let go from their posts as Mall Elves. No worries, Rachel got them a new gig that involves bulletproof glass.
Live Nativity is on and it's fucked up in that it almost tries to be sincere. Which, I’m sorry, that ship has sailed. You can’t do that, now. Blaine as a wise man is giving me very strange feelings, and Becky as the baby Jesus is... I don't even know. But they sing “Away in a Manger” and split it with New York, because now the Bushwick trio are live-action models in a department store window and they do look fantastic. Rachel in purple satin and Kurt in red velvet and Santana looks like a glittery mermaid.
And… that’s it. See you in February, suckers!
How the fuck do you even rate something like this? I mean, it set out to be as offensive and inappropriate as they could possibly be on prime-time network television, and in that, I suppose they succeeded. But Glee, you are NOT South Park and this is not Comedy Central.
Did I actually enjoy it? I... I can't... I mean, I guess it made me laugh REALLY HARD a few times with the intentional crassness and fourth-wall smashing. But it also made me cringe a LOT, even as I was laughing. The little devil on my shoulder is trying to get me to loosen up and just go with it and not take this silly show too seriously and just laugh. The angel-of-fandom on the other shoulder is just tearing her hair out and screaming "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?"
I wanted to go in with an open mind and try to enjoy it for all of its nonsequitur crackiness, I really did. And I want to laugh more at all of the fourth-wall smashing and nod-and-a-wink jokes and general crude awfulness. But mostly I can’t shake the feeling that this was mostly a waste of time. Having a Christmas episode was NOT NECESSARY. But they made something that felt like they were flipping the world the bird for an hour, instead of wrapping up a plot arc or even leaving us with a decent cliffhanger before an 11-week hiatus.
I’m going to stop there, lest I go on a rant about storytelling and timing and all of the other things that are bugging me, and just walk away from this episode.
Liz’s Instant Glee-Cap Rating: 2 / 5 stars. That might be generous.
Liz’s Instant Song Downloads:
No. Just… no.
(And what's with all the TV-14 warnings all of a sudden? VIOLENCE? Seriously?)
Right, so, we open with Sue taking over the library in someone's mansion, putting coal in the stocks of Cloris Leachman and Meryl Streep, speaking directly to the camera. The joke setup is thus: a year ago, Glee filmed a Christmas special entitled "Rough Trade Santa," which was apparently too appallingly inappropriate to air and it was locked in a vault. Well, now we get it, but not the director's cut. No scenes of Blaine and his obsession with Yule Logs. Alas.
So, away we are whisked to the choir room, supposedly Christmas 2012. There's a classroom decorating contest whose theme is "Green is Good," and Tina and Sam (whose hair was magically long and scraggly last year, too) are in charge because Tina wants to win the magical tree-topper that is the grand prize. Tina is NOT FUCKING AROUND and is kind of scaring everyone with how much she wants them to win this for her. Schue wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Blaine attempts to break into "Joy to the World" and everyone tells him to shut up and I am CACKLING.
(Oh, fuck. I just realized we transported back to the dark times of the break-up and I'm terribly sad there will be no spot-the-ring gifset this week.)
Beiste is advising the Non-Denominational Christmas Club (um, I do not think that word means what you think it means), which is comprised entirely of Glee Club members, and there is ZERO fourth wall this week. I’m pretty sure the writers took the fourth wall out back, smashed it to bits with a sledgehammer, pissed on it, and set it on fire.
Artie informs the club that the school Nativity scene was vandalized, but now Figgins wants to do a live-action Nativity. Tina's melodramatic "Christmas is ruined/Christmas is saved" was probably put in just so it could become everyone’s new set of reaction gifs. The club members argue about who will be which role, insult each other, mention that maybe Nativity scenes might not be allowed on school property and then ignore it. Glee does not give one single fuck about making sense this week.
In New York (with Santana, apparently), Kurt unwraps a creepy ass doll head from Santana. He's thrilled, but then Santana gives him a gift certificate to a dildo shop in Canada and my mouth just dropped to the floor. Single-Kurt is tickled, and he's off to get some eggnog. I hope they all get shitfaced.
Santana further sets the stage for us: we are in the time of the break-ups for all, she's just visiting and brought all of the decorations and gifts (most of which are for herself as shopping therapy post-Brittany). Rachel arrives to announce that she's gotten them a gig as Santa's elves at the Midtown mall so they can see the children of famous people. She's going to be the best Jewish elf EVER.
Sam and Tina are in the hallways of McKinley arguing about classroom decor, and Sam thinks they should forage in the forest for decorations. Becky is wearing a hat with mistletoe on it (or, you know, poison sumac) and has gone OVER THE EDGE with the "you better give me some tongue" thing. That shit is fucked up. Well, at least they call her out and tell Sue she should probably check Becky into an institution for sex addiction or something.
Sue rants all kinds of madness about judging the Glee Christmas tree and I'm just sitting here with my mouth hanging open. I feel like the writers took every criticism of the show they’ve ever read (too liberal, too gay, too crass) and decided to turn it all up to ELEVEN just to see how many people they could offend at once.
Back in New York, the elves are ready. Kurt looks… okay, he looks fucking perfect. He was born to be an elf with the pink cheeks and the curl on his forehead, and I wish I was kidding (did he actually just say those tights were giving him a serious case of "man-gina?") Rachel has a particularly stupid hat pinned to her head, and Santana has her slutty-elf dress on that barely covers her naughty bits. Let's get it on.
Already-drunk Santa is NOT a fan of Kurt. So he heads off for more drinky time and tells his new elves to keep the kids entertained. Rachel, naturally, has a plan to work some NYADA magic, and sends Kurt off to play the tiny toy piano and I think I'm actually hallucinating. Did someone spike my Diet Coke at dinner tonight?
“Here Comes Santa Claus” is... what the fuck is it? There's little people with hula hoops and weird dancing with Kurt's terrible shoes and I'm suffering from significant secondhand embarrassment. Though Kurt in the background looking manic and shaking his head is making me giggle and there’s a slight chance I still might download the song. The children rebel and start throwing food and Kurt hides behind a gingerbread man and I'm laughing just remembering “We Got the Beat” from The Purple Piano Project.
Back at McKinley, I'm reminded that we are in the times of hideously bitchy Kitty and bug-eyed Marley in newsboy caps, aka the time when I really didn’t like either of them. They're talking about who is going to be the Virgin Mary in the live Nativity and OH LOOK, I REMEMBER, I DON'T CARE.
Santana is lounging in a bubble bath in Bushwick and many of the lesbians I know just had their heads explode. (You won't hear me arguing. She's totally hot and if the characters were different I'd be flipping my shit, too.) She has apparently ditched Kurt and Rachel, who are freaking out in Santa-land because Santa has passed out in a pool of his own vomit and they need her to come play Mrs. Claus until they can find another Santa.
McKinley, choir room, dancing around and decorating a tree. I feel like I've seen this scene two or three times before, no? Is it contractually required in holiday themed episodes? Unsurprisingly, it turns into "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." The background bits are the best part of the song: Ryder tangled in lights and Blaine and Sam swordfighting with bunches of twigs. We also cut to other trees in the competition. The locker room tree is being decorated with jock straps and cups, and Stoner Brett's tree is marijuana decorated with bongs. (Yo Dawg, I heard you like pot. So we put some pot in your pot so you can pot while you pot.)
Back in New York, Kurt and Rachel are giving delightfully inappropriate introductions to Mrs. Claus, and at least 50% of the viewership has their eyes bug out of their head again as Santana comes out in a short Santa dress and thigh-high stiletto boots. WHY NOT. She says as many offensive things to as many children as she possibly can and I am just shaking my head and laughing. Kurt and Rachel's horror is just as amazing as Santana's trash-talking.
Sue comes into the choir room to inspect the Glee club's tree and quiz them on how green it is. She congratulates them on not fucking everything up for once, even if it's a little weird that they won't stop humming "O Christmas Tree."
Bieste and Schue are judging the "potential virgins" (thank you Blaine, for making the same face that I did) as they audition in the auditorium. Marley, Tina, and Unique are auditioning together. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY SINGING? It’s kind of reggae and I can’t even be bothered to look up the song title. It's somehow the weirdest thing Glee has ever done and that is seriously saying something. They are, like, twerking or something? This is deliciously sacrilegious. Kitty walks out in protest.
The New York elves are freaking out backstage at Santa's house, because there's probably going to be a riot soon. NO WORRIES, chiseled shirtless Santa has arrived on the scene and Kurt's eyes are going to bug right out of his head and watching him flirt is cracking my ass up.
Sue announces the Glee kids as the winners of the tree contest and Becky flies into a rage and smashes the mini xylophone. Beiste and Schue post the cast list for the nativity and Marley gets the Virgin Mary and Kitty's still crapping on her about it. Kitty shows a moment of heart in not wanting Mary because she doesn't feel worthy of it. Mmm’kay.
The trio at the loft are prepping for shirtless Santa, which includes taking all of the ornaments off the tree so it can be tree-trimming party, and Santana advising Kurt to spike the eggnog. Shirtless Santa is committed to his role when he shows up at the loft, Kurt and Santana are nearly drooling, and I think this is how holiday-themed porn starts.
No worries. Shirtless Santa is here to get this party started with a gold thong and a fucking canister of helium. I'm pretty sure I've gone utterly 'round the bend. I'm going to start making puppets of my friends and family and acting out scenes with them. It's the fucking Chipmunks Christmas Song and Kurt is drunk and I don't even know what the fuck is happening right now. Thanks for the hips all grinding on shirtless Santa, though, Kurt. But it's cool, all three of them are shitfaced and shirtless Santa is SO going to rob them.
Becky is giving Sam and Tina her baby teeth and this is like the darkest timeline. I have lost the ability to even.
Later that evening, Rachel is drunkenly trying to convince Santana to move to New York and making fun of how she actually did last season, but they hear some noise. Kurt and shirtless Santa are totally making out. Shirtless Santa offers for the girls to join them and WHERE THE FUCK is this going?
Yeah. Exactly where I thought it was. Santana and Rachel wake up hungover and covered in tinsel to find the loft ransacked. But NO WORRIES, KURT IS HOGTIED OVER IN HIS BED AND HOLY SHIT NICE ASS, KURT. But apparently Rough-Trade Santa was trying to do a little role-playing and damn, this episode is not kidding around. I guess those warnings at the front of the episode were worth something.
Back in Christmas Club, they're trying to figure out how to get Kitty to take the role of Mary, and Unique's got it covered. She comes in as hugely pregnant black Mary in a sparkly blue dress singing "Love Child." WOW. Blaine and the boys doing the Motown moves in the background in their Angel and Wise Men costumes just adds to the perfect wrongness it, and the even deliver the baby Jesus from Unique on a table. WHOA, dude. Anyways, the horrific ploy works, Kitty will take the role.
Becky is moping around the Glee tree and Sama and Tina want to give her the angel. 'Kay.
New York crew is having a pity party in their ransacked apartment. Kurt is ashamed, Santana thinks Bushwick is worse than Lima Heights, and Rachel informs them that they've all been let go from their posts as Mall Elves. No worries, Rachel got them a new gig that involves bulletproof glass.
Live Nativity is on and it's fucked up in that it almost tries to be sincere. Which, I’m sorry, that ship has sailed. You can’t do that, now. Blaine as a wise man is giving me very strange feelings, and Becky as the baby Jesus is... I don't even know. But they sing “Away in a Manger” and split it with New York, because now the Bushwick trio are live-action models in a department store window and they do look fantastic. Rachel in purple satin and Kurt in red velvet and Santana looks like a glittery mermaid.
And… that’s it. See you in February, suckers!
How the fuck do you even rate something like this? I mean, it set out to be as offensive and inappropriate as they could possibly be on prime-time network television, and in that, I suppose they succeeded. But Glee, you are NOT South Park and this is not Comedy Central.
Did I actually enjoy it? I... I can't... I mean, I guess it made me laugh REALLY HARD a few times with the intentional crassness and fourth-wall smashing. But it also made me cringe a LOT, even as I was laughing. The little devil on my shoulder is trying to get me to loosen up and just go with it and not take this silly show too seriously and just laugh. The angel-of-fandom on the other shoulder is just tearing her hair out and screaming "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?"
I wanted to go in with an open mind and try to enjoy it for all of its nonsequitur crackiness, I really did. And I want to laugh more at all of the fourth-wall smashing and nod-and-a-wink jokes and general crude awfulness. But mostly I can’t shake the feeling that this was mostly a waste of time. Having a Christmas episode was NOT NECESSARY. But they made something that felt like they were flipping the world the bird for an hour, instead of wrapping up a plot arc or even leaving us with a decent cliffhanger before an 11-week hiatus.
I’m going to stop there, lest I go on a rant about storytelling and timing and all of the other things that are bugging me, and just walk away from this episode.
Liz’s Instant Glee-Cap Rating: 2 / 5 stars. That might be generous.
Liz’s Instant Song Downloads:
No. Just… no.