i do not feel strong
last week: an exercise in mutilation.
one. i found james' journal. i read james' journal. i realized how inappropriate that was. how fucking inappropriate. i did not go looking for him. but, i should have respected him more. i feel like the internet gets used as a tool to keep people from letting go, sometimes. i used it that way. and i wont do it again. i read what (i am assuming) he wrote about something i said. and i realize now how my own insecurities and inability to accept him (on some levels) completely destroyed one of the most important friendships of my life. i came face to face with a very ugly and private part of myself that i've spent a lot of time pushing away. for a girl so full of plans, i haven't a clue what to do with this.
two. benjamin came to stay with me in atlanta while he figured out where to go next (he decided on oklahoma, from what i understand). we talked a lot every evening after i got home from school. we have some things in common... but i think we mostly bonded over a shared sense of lonliness... his due to never staying put and mine due to never leaving. his offer was blunt. it broke my forcefield. i have not felt so lonely in a long time.
three. i had a lunch hang-out with travis. i have missed him and was glad to see him and talk to him about his travels and his plans. i told him how much better i feel about so many things. had it been any other week...
four. my dad had a heart attack and an emergency triple bypass surgury within 24 hours of each other. i felt so scared. he is recovering really really well, which makes me happy. but, until he recovers, i am effectively taking care of all of his business.... including greg. which means i am back in snellfuckingville. i feel selfish for hating this so much (not greg). i also feel way in over my head and pretty inadiquately prepared to handle any or all of this. especially in the face of my recital.
in summary: i feel weak. i feel not good. i feel unwhole. and i don't know what to do with that...or where to go.