nothing really new here
*sigh* I just realized how screwed up I tend to make things. I turn something that could be really good into something I'm scared of. I always try and play things off like they don't bother thing but that's only cause I don't want people to think any less of me. Now I went and did the same thing again, this time worse though. If I see a situation that could possibly hurt me mentally (physically I can take a lot of pain, just not mentally) I tend to freak out and do anything I can to make sure I can't get hurt by it. Even if it, in this case means thinking I should break up with my boyfriend. GRRRR!!!! I hate the way my mind works! I wish I could be strong enough to just go with the flow. If I get hurt, oh well, I'll get over it and it won't be that bad. That's just not how I work. Man, I wish I could be normal sometimes. I also had the scary realization that I may be moving away next year at around this time. Depending on what university I go to it may be too far away for me to drive everyday. lol, Now it's me that's moving to Miami! I hate Jax cause there's nothing to do but it's home. Sure I get bored on Friday nights but who doesn't anywhere? I know things here, I know people, places, horses.... the list could go on. I am looking forward to getting to see a bunch of new things.... but at the same time I am terrified of it. Everything I know is here. Ama I really going to be able to just pack up everything I own and leave everything I know? I would probably not be able to see Maddie have her foal, I could move even father away from Rosie, Amanda moved miles away and then I'll be going in the complete opposite direction... Everyone and thing I love is here.... I don't know how easy it's going to be for me to give it up. Yeah I'd move back here once I'm done with college but that would be in eight years, not exactly a short trip. Everything would be so much different then, would I even have anything to go back to? or would everything else have moved on too? There are so many questions roaming around in my head that I can't even keep them straight anymore. I just need something stable right now, something I can hold onto and know it's not going to shift or even crumble underneath me. Yes, my family will always be there for me but I would like something else too. Grrr! Now I am just starting to sound like a pathetic worrier. I'm not like this, Straighten up!!! Ok I'm good I think. Eh, we'll see. Off to class again. Test tomorrow. great. If I don't get an "a" on this test, there is no way I am going to be able to get one in the course. I need that "a". I can't have my gpa drop any more. I just can't let it. Tons of studying to do today. Lovely, I get to spend two hours with the shit here and then I get to go home and spend another two there. I just LOVE chemistry... doesn't everyone? Grrr! Oh, well, just suck it up and deal with it. Square the shoulders, press update, and march me ass right into the torture chamber with a smile. We;;, maybe not a smile but....