Comments | livelier: Office Hours Thursday Afternoon

livelier

Office Hours Thursday Afternoon

Apr 13, 2005 07:58

Haven't had office hours for awhile.
It feels weird, actually, the door open, sun coming in the window.
Knock at the door.
"Hello?"

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rentcharlie April 13 2005, 15:23:59 UTC

I slip in quietly, not fully in. Just- enough that I don't seem presumptious. She might not have time after all.
"Uh...Hi...do you...do you have time? Can I make an appointment- like, now? I can go if-...I just..."
I sigh to end my babbling flow and shut my mouth, curling my lips inwards and waiting calmly as possible for a response.
See, Orli? I'm here. I said I'd come, didn't I. I don't know if you believed me when I said 'I'm going to see Liv tomorrow'. But here I am, see?
For you.
I want to get better for you.
I look down at my own hands, playing with my fingers a little, nervous but I'm not sure why.

livelier April 13 2005, 15:32:15 UTC

"Charlie, right?"
He nods not looking up from his hands.
"I have time, sure. Couple hours, actually..."
He nods again, less surely.
"What...How can I help? Do you need to talk about something?"

rentcharlie April 13 2005, 15:53:28 UTC

"I..uhm. Can I sit down ( ... )

oh, honey livelier April 13 2005, 16:02:55 UTC

It's what I expected, and not ( ... )

Re: oh, honey rentcharlie April 13 2005, 16:08:01 UTC

"Yeah...yeah, thankyou. I- No I'm not, I didn't, not today. Not yet. I'm trying, see? And Orli won't be taking it again. And I'm not dangerous, not to others and I don't think to myself...I almost did something but...but I'm not- not now, I don't think...I've- been coughing up blood...since Valentine's day...most mornings, and I've had a few nose bleeds...that's not good, right?"

livelier April 13 2005, 16:13:12 UTC

"Hmm." I'd like to examine him, do...let's see. Coughing up blood. Cocaine. "Have you been exposed to anyone with TB that you know of?" "Heh, prob'ly. In my line of work?" He shakes his head. "Have you had a TB test lately?" "No, no, not that I can say I have." "Then I 'd like to do a skin test for TB exposure, look in your ears, eyes, nose, throat, listen to your lungs and heart. and do a quick physical exam. Any STDs? VD?"
Moving clinically along, brisk, then notice he's quiet.
"Charlie. I don't have an opinion against what you do for work. I'm just trying to find out where you are, what the risks are. That's all."
To you. To Orli. To everyone exposed to you, poor boy of a rough and tumble life.

rentcharlie April 13 2005, 16:56:05 UTC

How the hell did she know what I do?
What the fuck?
"No it's...it's ok I just...I don't think it's that...I didn't think...I had my vaccines and everything, when I was a kid...I guess I just thought...ack" I sigh "I thought alot of things when I was a kid. How did you know?"
"Know what?"
"About me, about what I do...my job..."
Talking while I pull off my t-shirt. She needs to hear my lungs, right? The doctors always have me take my shirt of so...

livelier April 13 2005, 17:07:32 UTC

"Oh. Well. I confess, I overheard you telling someone else, in the cafe. But I wouldn't have brought it up to you. It's your business, unless it puts one of the others at risk. Then I have an obligation to look at both of, or all of, you, for infection control, is all. But I think the information's out there, isn't it pretty much, about condoms and all?"
God, I hope so. I have not been doing my job. Jake. Billy. Jesus. I hope they tested him after...Fuck.
Warm up the stethoscope in my hands a moment before testing its temperature in the crook of my arm. Warm enough.
"Take a deep breath? Again? Again?" Listen to all the lobes, front and back. Some crackling here and there-chronic irritation. Some consolidation in the right lower lobe-has he been running a fever? Could be a little pneumonia starting there...maybe not. maybe some plugs from smoking...
"Do you smoke, Charlie? Oh, yes, of course, the dope...Sorry. Tobacco too?" Ok. Let's see. So young, to have such risks.
God. And he wants to quit.
"Why do you want to quit, Charlie? Why

rentcharlie April 13 2005, 17:14:09 UTC

"I do smoke tobacco, but not chain smoking...um. I...I just...it's been over three years now...and I was in a- a bad place when I started. And it's starting to fuck me up mentally and physically and I've fallen in love and it's just..." I shake my head a bit "It worries him when I do it...and he wants me to stop...so I will. I'd like to think I don't have any pain to dull right now anyway, mentally..."

Wow. I babbled there. Marathon babble. And she's not even the counsellor.

livelier April 13 2005, 17:28:54 UTC

For him? or for you?
Hard places to be.
"I need to look in your eyes, focus over there behind my shoulder? Good. Now your ears? good, good. And your nose? Oh, yeah, nosebleeds, but your nasal septum, that's the wall between your nostrils, it looks intact, not thinned out. Open your mouth? Ah? Tongue out and down? Good, Good. Your teeth look very good, tonsils ok, some tar deposits, nothing major though. Ok now, Can you cough for me while I'm looking in your throat? Good, good expulsive working there, and swallow? good. Ok" Pulling away from him and putting the scope down.
"You want to quit."

rentcharlie April 13 2005, 18:10:17 UTC

"I...I'm not sure if want is the right word...but right now I'm fucked...and I have voices and I just...I feel like it's time. But want isn't the right word...I don't think....Is that- is that bad? And...the coke, by the way...it's cut with fibreglass" I cringe a little "I- it's the only- the only stuff I can get...within my price range and near me...is- is that worse than the clean stuff?"

ah, dear. livelier April 13 2005, 18:21:29 UTC

"Fibreglass. That must be from home, eh? Here they use other stuff ( ... )

Re: ah, dear. rentcharlie April 13 2005, 20:33:09 UTC

"Ok...thankyou..."

My mind whirls. I'm drifting. Back into Charlie-land. Sorry Liv...

If my life is for rent...
And I don't want to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get...
'Cause nothing I have is truly mine

Sighing. Fuck I don't know if I can do this. Absently reaching out to tuck the two bags back into my pocket. Secure them there with the button down flap. Make sure they're safe.
How can I stop when I'm so fucking scared of losing them now?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I really fucking like the weaning idea.

And Orlando would understand that...right? Yeah. He might. I hope so.

Fuck.

That's not quitting, Charlie.

Suddenly I remember she just asked me a question.
"Uh...no I- I don't know where- where the pot is from...friend of a friend of a friend thing...could have dog shit in it, for all I know. Argh, fuck. Fuck if I can do this. Fuck- Liv what if I can't? What if I can't do it? Restarting is dangerous, right? What if I restart? Fuck. Orlando. Liv...What if I can't do it?"

Then... livelier April 13 2005, 20:43:33 UTC

"Think about that later. With anything like this it's moment by moment. I--I, well, I don't think Jake would mind, he doesn't make a secret of it, he's in AA, and what I've learned working with him is 'one day at a time' works. It's what I use...
But that's not what you asked me, is it.
Yes, restarting is dangerous. Quitting cold turkey is hard. Can you get cleaner drugs? Anyone you can ask about that? Because, I think, I could help you with a supervised wean...check up on your heart, lungs, every couple three days...but you'd want to be sure it wasn't a stronger cut-just cut with something cleaner..."

Re: Then... rentcharlie April 13 2005, 22:00:46 UTC

"Uh...I'm sure I can get that from Manchester somewhere, I'll just have to get the money somehow. I- I need to go back for a few days anyway...do some stuff. I'm just- I don't know if I can handle this...day by day's so slow...I've always had to do things quickly before...how can I adjust? Argh, sorry. You're not a counsellor. Sorry. I- I just...I really want it to work, with Orlando, and I am so...so in love with him...

But I'm so scared I'll end up choosing the drugs over him..."

but- livelier April 13 2005, 22:06:35 UTC

"All the way to England?"
That's-
That's far.
"You have to go all the way to Manchester?"
He nods.
"Family..."
Oh.

I know.

"So, would you go alone?"

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