Office Hours Thursday Afternoon

[livelier]

Haven't had office hours for awhile.
It feels weird, actually, the door open, sun coming in the window.
Knock at the door.
"Hello?"

Comments

[rentcharlie]

"I..uhm. Can I sit down?"
"Sure"
I sit awkwardly in the chair accross from her. Staring at the floor. Chew the inside of my cheek.
"I- need some information, and..some advice, maybe? Um. Withdrawal...I don't...I don't know how-"
I sigh. Breathe.
"I don't know how."
Repeated more firmly. Because it's the truth. I don't know how. I've never tried to quit before and it- it's been so long.
I don't know how.
The drugs are friends now.
It's going to be hard to lose them.
"Ok...well...withdrawal from what, exactly?"
"Uh..."
I suddenly have the wild thought that I could actually get arrested. She could phone the police and I'd get arrested. I mean- I brought it into the country. Smuggled, would you say I smuggled it? Fuck I don't know. And I sell it. Not to school kids I'm not a complete bastard but I do sell it. And I'm a hooker. Fuck I'd be arrested.
"Uh...patient confidentiality...right?" Murmured without really thinking. But her reply is warm.
"...Right..."
I toy with the small bags in my right pocket. I don't know why I bought them with me. Perhaps I thought she might need to see. Perhaps I just like having them with me. AGH. Get to the point, Hunnam.
"Um...these..."
Putting the two bags on the table in a momentary leap of faith.
Oh God.
Please don't confiscate them please don't confiscate them please fucking please don't confiscate them.
I resist the urge to snatch them back. Hide them away safely because I need them for me. Mine.
Fuck I'm insane.
"I...it's...coke...and pot...but- you already knew that. Sorry. I don't even know if there's- some kind of like, rule against mixing the two...I do it all the time so, if there is I'm even more screwed than I thought. Fuck. Fucking hell. Sorry. Fuck. Sorry. Just...God, don't get me arrested, please?"

oh, honey

[livelier]

It's what I expected, and not.
"Safety first. Are you the only one taking these? I mean, the only one at camp using from your stash?"
"I, uh,I...I gave Orli a joint. Smoked it with him."
He frowns.
"Once. I did it once. Gave it to him, I mean."
"Ok. I need you not to do that again. If he wants drugs, he needs to get his own, and I hope he would talk to me first about it, because I don't know how much he knows, really, about the risks."
He nods.
"Second. Safety again. Are you high right now? Did you use today?"
I need to know where he is. Is he going to float away, or fly away, or crash, in the next hour? Do I need to get him water, or food? working at the concerts in town has been an education. At least it's not MDMa or H...not that coke or grass is so good, but they're relatively simple, chemically...
"Third. If you are not an immediate danger to yourself, or others, then yes, complete confidentiality. If there is danger, I have to call the paramedics, and what happens after that is out of my hands. But I won't call the sheriff now. Not for this. This is consultation, right?"

Re: oh, honey

[rentcharlie]

"Yeah...yeah, thankyou. I- No I'm not, I didn't, not today. Not yet. I'm trying, see? And Orli won't be taking it again. And I'm not dangerous, not to others and I don't think to myself...I almost did something but...but I'm not- not now, I don't think...I've- been coughing up blood...since Valentine's day...most mornings, and I've had a few nose bleeds...that's not good, right?"

[livelier]

"Hmm." I'd like to examine him, do...let's see. Coughing up blood. Cocaine. "Have you been exposed to anyone with TB that you know of?" "Heh, prob'ly. In my line of work?" He shakes his head. "Have you had a TB test lately?" "No, no, not that I can say I have." "Then I 'd like to do a skin test for TB exposure, look in your ears, eyes, nose, throat, listen to your lungs and heart. and do a quick physical exam. Any STDs? VD?"
Moving clinically along, brisk, then notice he's quiet.
"Charlie. I don't have an opinion against what you do for work. I'm just trying to find out where you are, what the risks are. That's all."
To you. To Orli. To everyone exposed to you, poor boy of a rough and tumble life.

[rentcharlie]

How the hell did she know what I do?
What the fuck?
"No it's...it's ok I just...I don't think it's that...I didn't think...I had my vaccines and everything, when I was a kid...I guess I just thought...ack" I sigh "I thought alot of things when I was a kid. How did you know?"
"Know what?"
"About me, about what I do...my job..."
Talking while I pull off my t-shirt. She needs to hear my lungs, right? The doctors always have me take my shirt of so...

[livelier]

"Oh. Well. I confess, I overheard you telling someone else, in the cafe. But I wouldn't have brought it up to you. It's your business, unless it puts one of the others at risk. Then I have an obligation to look at both of, or all of, you, for infection control, is all. But I think the information's out there, isn't it pretty much, about condoms and all?"
God, I hope so. I have not been doing my job. Jake. Billy. Jesus. I hope they tested him after...Fuck.
Warm up the stethoscope in my hands a moment before testing its temperature in the crook of my arm. Warm enough.
"Take a deep breath? Again? Again?" Listen to all the lobes, front and back. Some crackling here and there-chronic irritation. Some consolidation in the right lower lobe-has he been running a fever? Could be a little pneumonia starting there...maybe not. maybe some plugs from smoking...
"Do you smoke, Charlie? Oh, yes, of course, the dope...Sorry. Tobacco too?" Ok. Let's see. So young, to have such risks.
God. And he wants to quit.
"Why do you want to quit, Charlie? Why now?"

[rentcharlie]

"I do smoke tobacco, but not chain smoking...um. I...I just...it's been over three years now...and I was in a- a bad place when I started. And it's starting to fuck me up mentally and physically and I've fallen in love and it's just..." I shake my head a bit "It worries him when I do it...and he wants me to stop...so I will. I'd like to think I don't have any pain to dull right now anyway, mentally..."

Wow. I babbled there. Marathon babble. And she's not even the counsellor.

[livelier]

For him? or for you?
Hard places to be.
"I need to look in your eyes, focus over there behind my shoulder? Good. Now your ears? good, good. And your nose? Oh, yeah, nosebleeds, but your nasal septum, that's the wall between your nostrils, it looks intact, not thinned out. Open your mouth? Ah? Tongue out and down? Good, Good. Your teeth look very good, tonsils ok, some tar deposits, nothing major though. Ok now, Can you cough for me while I'm looking in your throat? Good, good expulsive working there, and swallow? good. Ok" Pulling away from him and putting the scope down.
"You want to quit."

[rentcharlie]

"I...I'm not sure if want is the right word...but right now I'm fucked...and I have voices and I just...I feel like it's time. But want isn't the right word...I don't think....Is that- is that bad? And...the coke, by the way...it's cut with fibreglass" I cringe a little "I- it's the only- the only stuff I can get...within my price range and near me...is- is that worse than the clean stuff?"

ah, dear.

[livelier]

"Fibreglass. That must be from home, eh? Here they use other stuff."
He nods, eyes on his baggies.
Voices. Look into that later. Voice first, then drugs? or drugs first, then voices? doesn't matter right now.
"Better if you can use cleaner coke cut to the same strength you use now. Fibreglass is probably what makes you cough up blood. It's not like asbestos, though. The body can eventually digest and clear fibreglass, which it can't do with asbestos. If you can quit, that's best. Hardest, but best. If you can't, or not right away, then cleaner coke, wean down to the least possible amount to keep the cravings away. Not keep working for the high."

He moves, then stops.
"Take them. I won't stop you, and I won't report you. The grass, you said the other day, you don't know where it comes from?"

I could call Meg. She knows who's dealing clean stuff, even though she'd rather not. He's going to need so much help. Look at his carotid artery pulsing on the side of his neck-his heart rate must be 150 now, hammering..."Charlie--as long as you keep me posted, keep me in the loop, I can help you. Whatever it takes, meetings, cold turkey observation, several tries, weaning--we can do it together, I'll walk through it with you..."

Re: ah, dear.

[rentcharlie]

"Ok...thankyou..."

My mind whirls. I'm drifting. Back into Charlie-land. Sorry Liv...

If my life is for rent...
And I don't want to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get...
'Cause nothing I have is truly mine

Sighing. Fuck I don't know if I can do this. Absently reaching out to tuck the two bags back into my pocket. Secure them there with the button down flap. Make sure they're safe.
How can I stop when I'm so fucking scared of losing them now?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I really fucking like the weaning idea.

And Orlando would understand that...right? Yeah. He might. I hope so.

Fuck.

That's not quitting, Charlie.

Suddenly I remember she just asked me a question.
"Uh...no I- I don't know where- where the pot is from...friend of a friend of a friend thing...could have dog shit in it, for all I know. Argh, fuck. Fuck if I can do this. Fuck- Liv what if I can't? What if I can't do it? Restarting is dangerous, right? What if I restart? Fuck. Orlando. Liv...What if I can't do it?"

Then...

[livelier]

"Think about that later. With anything like this it's moment by moment. I--I, well, I don't think Jake would mind, he doesn't make a secret of it, he's in AA, and what I've learned working with him is 'one day at a time' works. It's what I use...
But that's not what you asked me, is it.
Yes, restarting is dangerous. Quitting cold turkey is hard. Can you get cleaner drugs? Anyone you can ask about that? Because, I think, I could help you with a supervised wean...check up on your heart, lungs, every couple three days...but you'd want to be sure it wasn't a stronger cut-just cut with something cleaner..."

Re: Then...

[rentcharlie]

"Uh...I'm sure I can get that from Manchester somewhere, I'll just have to get the money somehow. I- I need to go back for a few days anyway...do some stuff. I'm just- I don't know if I can handle this...day by day's so slow...I've always had to do things quickly before...how can I adjust? Argh, sorry. You're not a counsellor. Sorry. I- I just...I really want it to work, with Orlando, and I am so...so in love with him...

But I'm so scared I'll end up choosing the drugs over him..."

but-

[livelier]

"All the way to England?"
That's-
That's far.
"You have to go all the way to Manchester?"
He nods.
"Family..."
Oh.

I know.

"So, would you go alone?"

Re: but-

[rentcharlie]

"Yeah. I- probably. Yeah. I need to see to- work stuff. Old friends, that kind of thing"

[livelier]

"Charlie, will you walk me to the cafeteria? I need coffee. See? Not so different." I need to move, to think, sunshine, air. I need to see Orli with him.