(no subject)
It's not that I've not made a decision. I've always had a definite answer for myself. I've always known that my answer is "No". But you kept coming back, proclaiming your claim, wanting to change my answer. I know that might not be what you're consciously aiming to do, but you feel rejected, you feel awful at my fast, unwavering response. I know that no matter what you do, my answer will always be the same. but no matter how often i say my answer you can't be satisfied until i make an exception. I know my answer, why can't you let me go. I know I'm selfishly hoping for that I know I'm being selfish hoping for that, but i don't want to reject you anymore. I don't want to say "no" to you time and again. I won't ever say 'yes', but I'm really tired of saying 'no'. I've already said the reasons why, but you can't accept the reasons. I know you have your reasons for not accepting my reasons but i know myself more than anyone. I know I can't love you.
Let me go, i want to say, but yet i know things won't end simply that way. Hate me if you must. I'll rather that than you loving me too much that you keep coming at me. I don't want you to get hurt, but I'm already hurting you i know. I hate my half-hearted kindness, but that's the only way I know how to interact with people. You're one of the few who know more about me than anyone else, but yet you're someone that's not for me. I hate the reality, i hate the reality of my feelings. I know myself too well, that's why i can't say 'yes' to you because saying a 'yes' now, means that i have to say a 'no' later. It's not that i've never loved, it's not that i've never wanted to be in a relationship, it's just that there are too many things that i can't bring myself to say. there are too many things that i'm not in a position to say. There are too many things that people don't know about me. and all that are really just my own problems.
You see, I'm more afraid to hurt people than to get hurt myself. You say i'm different, maybe that's the reason why. I'm harsh on myself but through all these, it has come to form my personality, a character, a vicious cycle i can't escape. I can't change my character anymore. I can't make myself more normal. I've been locked into this vicious cycle ever since I've ever been conscious. I can't escape it. I can't tell anyone about it. I'm not in the position to.
You're looking at the wrong person. You've loved the wrong person. but i thank you for loving me, because now I know I'm at least not someone unregarded by the world. but the more you love me, the more I need to reject you. because i will never want to make use of those feelings of yours for me. A person's feelings are the most important things in the world, the only truth in a person's world. I don't want you to make an effort for me anymore. Don't please. I'm not good at accepting people's kindness. I can't give anything in return. You say I'm not the normal kind of girls you see. but i might not even be a normal human you see. You say I'm anti-social, but I might just be social phobic. I'm just a person of contradictions. I'm more than what I seem to be, but there's only just those few things to me. I'm person who can be overwhelmed with feelings, but yet there are as many times where i'm just devoid of emotions. I don't let myself be seen, yet I want someone to see me. I don't want people to know about me, yet I want someone to understand me. Don't love such a person like me. I know I can't love you back.
I can't say I'm sorry anymore because all those that you did for me, sorry is not even close to a reply for you. I don't know how to reply. I don't know how I'm supposed to reject you again. I don't know. You know me more than most people now, but what you know is just only what you know. There are too many sides that i have not shown. There are too many things I don't dare to show. Yet there are too many things that people will never know because I'll never show.
Don't love me anymore. I don't know how to reply anymore. I never really knew how to interact with people in the first place. The only thing I knew was to stay true close to my heart. My principles are the only truths in my life. They are the only support i can always count on in my life. I can only respond that way.
Don't...please don't
Let me go, i want to say, but yet i know things won't end simply that way. Hate me if you must. I'll rather that than you loving me too much that you keep coming at me. I don't want you to get hurt, but I'm already hurting you i know. I hate my half-hearted kindness, but that's the only way I know how to interact with people. You're one of the few who know more about me than anyone else, but yet you're someone that's not for me. I hate the reality, i hate the reality of my feelings. I know myself too well, that's why i can't say 'yes' to you because saying a 'yes' now, means that i have to say a 'no' later. It's not that i've never loved, it's not that i've never wanted to be in a relationship, it's just that there are too many things that i can't bring myself to say. there are too many things that i'm not in a position to say. There are too many things that people don't know about me. and all that are really just my own problems.
You see, I'm more afraid to hurt people than to get hurt myself. You say i'm different, maybe that's the reason why. I'm harsh on myself but through all these, it has come to form my personality, a character, a vicious cycle i can't escape. I can't change my character anymore. I can't make myself more normal. I've been locked into this vicious cycle ever since I've ever been conscious. I can't escape it. I can't tell anyone about it. I'm not in the position to.
You're looking at the wrong person. You've loved the wrong person. but i thank you for loving me, because now I know I'm at least not someone unregarded by the world. but the more you love me, the more I need to reject you. because i will never want to make use of those feelings of yours for me. A person's feelings are the most important things in the world, the only truth in a person's world. I don't want you to make an effort for me anymore. Don't please. I'm not good at accepting people's kindness. I can't give anything in return. You say I'm not the normal kind of girls you see. but i might not even be a normal human you see. You say I'm anti-social, but I might just be social phobic. I'm just a person of contradictions. I'm more than what I seem to be, but there's only just those few things to me. I'm person who can be overwhelmed with feelings, but yet there are as many times where i'm just devoid of emotions. I don't let myself be seen, yet I want someone to see me. I don't want people to know about me, yet I want someone to understand me. Don't love such a person like me. I know I can't love you back.
I can't say I'm sorry anymore because all those that you did for me, sorry is not even close to a reply for you. I don't know how to reply. I don't know how I'm supposed to reject you again. I don't know. You know me more than most people now, but what you know is just only what you know. There are too many sides that i have not shown. There are too many things I don't dare to show. Yet there are too many things that people will never know because I'll never show.
Don't love me anymore. I don't know how to reply anymore. I never really knew how to interact with people in the first place. The only thing I knew was to stay true close to my heart. My principles are the only truths in my life. They are the only support i can always count on in my life. I can only respond that way.
Don't...please don't