(no subject)
im so damn frustrated!! i cant...for the first time in my life, i can't fucking express myself. I just...I can't figure out how to word how I'm feeling. And as a writer, as a journalist, as an artist, this bothers the hell out of me!
I pride myself on my honesty. There are the little white lies that I always feel the need to say (think Natalie Portman in Garden State) just to make something sound better or more dramatic, but I never say them. I will always say the truth. I say I do it because that's the only thing I ask from people--true, real honesty. Which is still a reason, but its only partly the reason. I do it because that is the only way I feel I can live without regrets.
I don't want regrets, because in my opinion, regrets mean being unhappy about something, they mean wanting to change something you can't. I already have enough confidence issues I want to change but can't, I'm not going to add my daily doings to that list. People say to avoid regrets, live as though it is your last day on Earth. Well, obviously by my OCD-like planning, I can't do that. The only way I live without regrets is by being honest. And I don't necessarily mean about things, like telling the truth to my parents when I go to a boys house or accurately describing how lame I acted around that hot boy no matter how stupid and childish it makes me sound. I mean being honest with myself.
The more I people watch, the more I see everything as a facade. People are honest with those around them, with the objects and situations surrounding them. But I see way too often people who deny themselves the truths. They refuse to acknowledge someone, they refuse to accept certain things, it may even be as small as denying the colour of something (THE PEN IS BLUE! THE PEN IS ROOOOOOOOOOOOYAL BLUE!! haha). And to me, that is lying to themself. People say it is so they won't hurt themself, that by refusing the truth to it they are protecting themself. That's not how i see it. That is lying to yourself. That is building up a fake pretense to make yourself love a life that is no longer real. It is denying what is really there so you can live another hour just a smidgen bit happier.
I will not do that to myself. I will not lie to myself to give myself the Temporary Happy. I will not do that to myself. I have done it before, and I cannot ever do that again. All it does is keep me smiling until I am alone, and then I crash harder than ever. I can't go moment-to-moment on a fake happiness. So...I am honest with myself. I don't soften things--in fact, I probably make them just a little more cruel to steel myself against anything else that may come. I don't tell myself that Ross not IMing me more often or answering my attempts to see him is him "just being busy." That would be lying. The truth sucks: he doesn't want to see me. But you know what? I like knowing and learning to accept that truth more than thinking "oh he's just busy" or "there are his best friends first, then i'll come", because I know that would disappoint me more than ever when he never contacts me again.
If I remain honest, I won't hate myself more than I already do, and I won't disappoint myself more than others already do. In my life, being honest, accepting what is the real truth no matter how much it hurts me...that is the best way to go.
Which is why I am so frustrated right now. Derek and that situation...I accept that he is more to me than just a regular friend. I accept that for some reason the term "best friend" doesn't fit him. And I accept that I could possibly be more deeply in love with him than I ever was with Alex. My problem is that I can't figure out what he exactly is to me!
For so long I've pulled the obvious truths in front of what I felt could be real, because I didn't want to get hurt again. The last time I trusted my truths with someone, he threw them back in my face scathingly by lying through his teeth to me, and not even bothering to hide it. Because of that, I was more honest about Derek than I ever have been in my life: he has a girlfriend, there are other people, it is too complicated, my best friend likes him, he's my Editor-In-Chief, I'm his Superior Officer, he's younger, I'm older, I'm going to college, he's still just a high schooler, he likes so-and-so, I like so-and-so...the list can go on for miles. Until I realized that my reasonings were not just reasons, but they were excuses. And excuses are another form of lying.
I will not be afraid of what he is to me. I will not fear having my broken heart handed to the calloused, nail-chewed hands of him. I will not be scared of knowing that my intense feelings are not returned, because I know they are not. I will not fear any of this. And ever since I was at his house...I have been unable to see what he really is to me. I think, "oh he's just a friend, nothing more" but that doesn't feel right with me. So then I dare myself to think, "you are in love with him", but that doesn't feel correct either. The only thing I have been able to come up with is "he has your heart, without ever trying or without you ever trying to give it up." That last one is true. The tiny shards of my shattered heart are being pieced together slowly but surely and unknowingly by him, and he is leaving his imprint on it all too deeply than he is aware of.
The reason this is so important to me. You're probably wondering, "why do you care? You have forever to figure out what he means to you." Well...I don't. I move away from here September 17. That is roughly 32 days from now. In 32 days, I leave behind this life and start a new one up at college, living on my own and making my life one step closer to what it is intended to be. And i do not intend to walk away from this old life wishing I could fix something, wishing I could have said one last thing to someone. I have enough unfinished relationships, I don't need any more than what I can handle.
Derek and I have a good-bye date planned for September 16. He is literally the last friend I will say good-bye to, because he is singly the most important. And i intend to close that relationship. I don't mean end it, as I don't think he and I will truly ever end (i do know he and I will drift, but I'll carry him around with me forever), but I intend to say what I need to say to him. I have every intention to say what i feel, do what i need to, and walk away with no reservations of leaving him here. I will not walk away from this life crying to go back to his and my last moments of childhood and try to fix it. I am closing it with what I need to.
And I am so damn frustrated because I can't figure out how I'm feeling towards him. And if I can't figure out how I'm feeling, I can't accurately and properly close the relationship. I don't know what to tell him, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act. I've barely even figured out what he and I are going to do on this good-bye date. I was thinking casual dinner then going to the Del Mar Beach to watch the sunset and sit there for a few on the sand, since that seems to be a place where he and I go a lot. Then I figured maybe something entirely new, make a new memory to add to the millions i have with him; something like SeaPort Village and walking down the Embarcadero. Or, he and I could do our usual: movie. Nothing really feels right, and I know it is because I can't figure out how I feel to him. Each scenario is dependent upon what I want to say. If it is nothing too big, go to the movie. If its a new place, its because I'm going to surprise him with a big heartfelt speech coming from Left Field containing thoughts he has no idea come from me. If we go to the beach, he's going to know I am in a serious mood and the night will be somber and bittersweet. Nothing seems to be working out correctly, because I don't even know what the correct way is!
I do not deal well with lack of expression. I live my life according to how I want to express myself, to my writing and to being able to figure out what I need and do not need. He is not making this easy.
But i will not fear what he is to me. I will not fear having him break my heart again, because I know he is going to. I will not fear.
I pride myself on my honesty. There are the little white lies that I always feel the need to say (think Natalie Portman in Garden State) just to make something sound better or more dramatic, but I never say them. I will always say the truth. I say I do it because that's the only thing I ask from people--true, real honesty. Which is still a reason, but its only partly the reason. I do it because that is the only way I feel I can live without regrets.
I don't want regrets, because in my opinion, regrets mean being unhappy about something, they mean wanting to change something you can't. I already have enough confidence issues I want to change but can't, I'm not going to add my daily doings to that list. People say to avoid regrets, live as though it is your last day on Earth. Well, obviously by my OCD-like planning, I can't do that. The only way I live without regrets is by being honest. And I don't necessarily mean about things, like telling the truth to my parents when I go to a boys house or accurately describing how lame I acted around that hot boy no matter how stupid and childish it makes me sound. I mean being honest with myself.
The more I people watch, the more I see everything as a facade. People are honest with those around them, with the objects and situations surrounding them. But I see way too often people who deny themselves the truths. They refuse to acknowledge someone, they refuse to accept certain things, it may even be as small as denying the colour of something (THE PEN IS BLUE! THE PEN IS ROOOOOOOOOOOOYAL BLUE!! haha). And to me, that is lying to themself. People say it is so they won't hurt themself, that by refusing the truth to it they are protecting themself. That's not how i see it. That is lying to yourself. That is building up a fake pretense to make yourself love a life that is no longer real. It is denying what is really there so you can live another hour just a smidgen bit happier.
I will not do that to myself. I will not lie to myself to give myself the Temporary Happy. I will not do that to myself. I have done it before, and I cannot ever do that again. All it does is keep me smiling until I am alone, and then I crash harder than ever. I can't go moment-to-moment on a fake happiness. So...I am honest with myself. I don't soften things--in fact, I probably make them just a little more cruel to steel myself against anything else that may come. I don't tell myself that Ross not IMing me more often or answering my attempts to see him is him "just being busy." That would be lying. The truth sucks: he doesn't want to see me. But you know what? I like knowing and learning to accept that truth more than thinking "oh he's just busy" or "there are his best friends first, then i'll come", because I know that would disappoint me more than ever when he never contacts me again.
If I remain honest, I won't hate myself more than I already do, and I won't disappoint myself more than others already do. In my life, being honest, accepting what is the real truth no matter how much it hurts me...that is the best way to go.
Which is why I am so frustrated right now. Derek and that situation...I accept that he is more to me than just a regular friend. I accept that for some reason the term "best friend" doesn't fit him. And I accept that I could possibly be more deeply in love with him than I ever was with Alex. My problem is that I can't figure out what he exactly is to me!
For so long I've pulled the obvious truths in front of what I felt could be real, because I didn't want to get hurt again. The last time I trusted my truths with someone, he threw them back in my face scathingly by lying through his teeth to me, and not even bothering to hide it. Because of that, I was more honest about Derek than I ever have been in my life: he has a girlfriend, there are other people, it is too complicated, my best friend likes him, he's my Editor-In-Chief, I'm his Superior Officer, he's younger, I'm older, I'm going to college, he's still just a high schooler, he likes so-and-so, I like so-and-so...the list can go on for miles. Until I realized that my reasonings were not just reasons, but they were excuses. And excuses are another form of lying.
I will not be afraid of what he is to me. I will not fear having my broken heart handed to the calloused, nail-chewed hands of him. I will not be scared of knowing that my intense feelings are not returned, because I know they are not. I will not fear any of this. And ever since I was at his house...I have been unable to see what he really is to me. I think, "oh he's just a friend, nothing more" but that doesn't feel right with me. So then I dare myself to think, "you are in love with him", but that doesn't feel correct either. The only thing I have been able to come up with is "he has your heart, without ever trying or without you ever trying to give it up." That last one is true. The tiny shards of my shattered heart are being pieced together slowly but surely and unknowingly by him, and he is leaving his imprint on it all too deeply than he is aware of.
The reason this is so important to me. You're probably wondering, "why do you care? You have forever to figure out what he means to you." Well...I don't. I move away from here September 17. That is roughly 32 days from now. In 32 days, I leave behind this life and start a new one up at college, living on my own and making my life one step closer to what it is intended to be. And i do not intend to walk away from this old life wishing I could fix something, wishing I could have said one last thing to someone. I have enough unfinished relationships, I don't need any more than what I can handle.
Derek and I have a good-bye date planned for September 16. He is literally the last friend I will say good-bye to, because he is singly the most important. And i intend to close that relationship. I don't mean end it, as I don't think he and I will truly ever end (i do know he and I will drift, but I'll carry him around with me forever), but I intend to say what I need to say to him. I have every intention to say what i feel, do what i need to, and walk away with no reservations of leaving him here. I will not walk away from this life crying to go back to his and my last moments of childhood and try to fix it. I am closing it with what I need to.
And I am so damn frustrated because I can't figure out how I'm feeling towards him. And if I can't figure out how I'm feeling, I can't accurately and properly close the relationship. I don't know what to tell him, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act. I've barely even figured out what he and I are going to do on this good-bye date. I was thinking casual dinner then going to the Del Mar Beach to watch the sunset and sit there for a few on the sand, since that seems to be a place where he and I go a lot. Then I figured maybe something entirely new, make a new memory to add to the millions i have with him; something like SeaPort Village and walking down the Embarcadero. Or, he and I could do our usual: movie. Nothing really feels right, and I know it is because I can't figure out how I feel to him. Each scenario is dependent upon what I want to say. If it is nothing too big, go to the movie. If its a new place, its because I'm going to surprise him with a big heartfelt speech coming from Left Field containing thoughts he has no idea come from me. If we go to the beach, he's going to know I am in a serious mood and the night will be somber and bittersweet. Nothing seems to be working out correctly, because I don't even know what the correct way is!
I do not deal well with lack of expression. I live my life according to how I want to express myself, to my writing and to being able to figure out what I need and do not need. He is not making this easy.
But i will not fear what he is to me. I will not fear having him break my heart again, because I know he is going to. I will not fear.