2011 Bulwer-Lytton Awards
Let's post reaaaally fast as long as it's up. :D
Winners and runner-ups can be found here. I'm dying. Like, seriously dying.
For those who don't know: Edward George Bulwer-Lytton was the poor schmuck who crowned the immortal opening line "It was a dark and stormy night..." in 1830. These awards are given away for exceedingly bad lines in fiction, and you shouldn't read these entries if you need an inhaler or are just about to consume liquids.
My favorites this year:
"As I stood among the ransacked ruin that had been my home, surveying the aftermath of the senseless horrors and atrocities that had been perpetrated on my family and everything I hold dear, I swore to myself that no matter where I had to go, no matter what I had to do or endure, I would find the man who did this . . . and when I did, when I did, oh, there would be words."
(Rodney Reed, Ooltewah, TN - runner-up overall category)
"As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand-who would take her away from all this-and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had."
(Ali Kawashima, Greensboro, NC - winner romance category)
"As the young officer studied the oak door, he was reminded of his girlfriend -- for she was also slightly unhinged, occasionally sticky, and responded well to being stripped and given a light oiling."
(Ian Fishlock, Harrow, London, U.K. - misc dishonorable mentions)
Winners and runner-ups can be found here. I'm dying. Like, seriously dying.
For those who don't know: Edward George Bulwer-Lytton was the poor schmuck who crowned the immortal opening line "It was a dark and stormy night..." in 1830. These awards are given away for exceedingly bad lines in fiction, and you shouldn't read these entries if you need an inhaler or are just about to consume liquids.
My favorites this year:
"As I stood among the ransacked ruin that had been my home, surveying the aftermath of the senseless horrors and atrocities that had been perpetrated on my family and everything I hold dear, I swore to myself that no matter where I had to go, no matter what I had to do or endure, I would find the man who did this . . . and when I did, when I did, oh, there would be words."
(Rodney Reed, Ooltewah, TN - runner-up overall category)
"As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand-who would take her away from all this-and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had."
(Ali Kawashima, Greensboro, NC - winner romance category)
"As the young officer studied the oak door, he was reminded of his girlfriend -- for she was also slightly unhinged, occasionally sticky, and responded well to being stripped and given a light oiling."
(Ian Fishlock, Harrow, London, U.K. - misc dishonorable mentions)